Something he Missed - Dean/Gabriel
Title: Something he Missed
Supernatural: Dean/Gabriel
Written by OpheliacAngel
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: Teen
Song Featured: Snow Patrol’s “Somewhere a Clock is Ticking”
Summary: Dean and Gabriel are shown in different realities. In one life, Gabe hates Dean, in another life they love each other passionately. What will they choose to be their reality? And more importantly, what are they willing to sacrifice to prove their love?
~ I’ve got this feeling that there’s something that I missed
(I could do most anything to you)
Don’t you breathe, don’t you breathe
(I could do most anything to you)
Something happened that I never understood
(I could do most anything to you)
You can’t leave, you can’t leave
(I could do most anything to you) ~
When Gabriel first lays eyes on Dean Winchester, he wants to see him suffer. Wants to see him get down on the ground and beg for his and his brother’s life. It’s little Sammy he’s drawn to, but it’s Dean, he figures out later on, that he sees more clearly than anything else in the world. In the midst of making him die a thousand ways, he gets an insane urge, one which he cannot describe, to stop it. He knows he must be losing it, cause watching Dean die and Sam’s pitiful reaction to it is downright hilarious, but he still feels that little something.
But then again somewhere else … He doesn’t feel anything at all.
The next time he sees Dean and Sam, he throws them into TV shows. And he even makes it a little fun for Dean, he has to admit, by throwing Dr. Sexy M.D. in there. Cause he knows just how much Dean will like that. And the next minute, he can barely feel himself doing it, he has his hand tight around the Winchester’s neck, held up against the wall and even looking a little scared. Gabriel wants to smile at that, he likes seeing the fear in his eyes, the fear that matches the fear he expressed each and every time he died. But this time he doesn’t like it.
This time it makes him feel weird. He can’t quite explain it, and maybe that’s why he lets Dean go. Maybe he doesn’t actually want to hurt him. He hides this all with his perfect mask, of course.
But then again somewhere else … He doesn’t feel anything at all.
When he argues with Dean in that warehouse, he truly feels something he’s never felt before. And he thinks that that might be apology. That at any minute he will tell the Winchester he’s sorry for everything and that he’s right. He’s right about everything and he wants to give up. He holds back his feelings while they leave, and he feels a pang of guilt where his heart would be if he had one when he turns the water on. Dean wouldn’t leave him to die, but yet Gabe would. He doesn’t know why he even cares about this, he just does. When he leaves the warehouse less than an hour later, he wants to see Dean so much it’s simply unbearable. He feels so lost and so unsure of what to do anymore. He wants to take Dean’s advice but he’d rather see him. But he can’t. Archangels don’t feel sympathy for humans, and tricksters take delight in hurting people. Gabriel doesn’t want Dean to suffer anymore though, he would give anything.
But then again somewhere else … He doesn’t feel anything at all.
I could do most anything to you Dean Winchester. But yet I don’t want to.
...
Gabriel looks up at the sky, taking in the rain that started falling a few minutes ago. He leans against the wall and waits for something beautiful. He can make an umbrella appear in an instant, but what would be the point of that? He feels cold when he’s without him anyway, he feels lifeless. He’ll only have to wait a few more minutes, he’s sure of it. Beauty won’t leave him out in the cold, he’ll come with a grin on his face like he always does. Cause Beauty loves him and he always will. He sighs and closes his eyes momentarily, tasting the rain and enjoying the smell of the air. It smells like whiskey, gunpowder, and gasoline, with an underlying hint of cinnamon. It smells like his Dean.
Every breath is like a tidal wave … And he crashes into him relentlessly.
He need not open his eyes, he can feel Dean walk up to him. But how can he keep his eyes closed on a sight such as him? The way he walks forms the lust in him, makes him grin and feel like a bad bad boy like he does when he’s messing with people’s lives. Dean is his drug now and his drug nearly kills him. The breath is knocked out of him and his human can sense this, pulls Gabriel to him to start delicately. The kiss is mind shattering, the cold freezes inside him and is replaced by love and warmth. Whenever he gets the thought that it’s a possibility that Dean doesn’t love him, he thinks of this, what this means and what it will always mean for the both of them. He kisses back even though he hasn’t breathed for the past forty seconds. He kisses back because Dean is his air.
Every breath is like a tidal wave … And he crashes into him relentlessly.
When they finally pull away they look at each other for endless seconds. The rain plasters Dean’s hair to his forehead, makes him look like he’s crying. And it’s beautiful. It’s so beautiful. Dean takes his hand like he always does and they leave the wall to walk along the street. It’s moments like these that the archangel truly feels grateful, when they need not talk, just wallow in each other’s company. Wanting to cry tears of joy cause it gets to him so much. They look at each other again and it stops the both of them in their tracks. They lay their lips on one another again, right in the middle of the street. He allows himself just this once to read the human’s mind, and he loves what he hears. It’s everything he feels and everything he sees. And Dean is calling him beautiful now, which makes him kiss him desperately and yank him closer. He can feel Dean gasp in shock but he instantly returns the favor. Because this time they can’t let go. This time Dean will have to be ripped away from him for them to ever let go.
Every breath is like a tidal wave … And he crashes into him relentlessly.
I could do most anything to you Dean Winchester. But yet I don’t want to.
~ Every second, dripping off my fingertips
(I could do most anything to you)
Wage your war, wage your war
(I could do most anything to you)
Another soldier says he’s not afraid to die
(I could do most anything to you)
I am scared, I’m so scared
(I could do most anything to you) ~
Gabriel watches Dean sleep, like he does many nights when his conscience keeps him awake. He longs to wake him up and talk to him, tell him he’s been lying to him, that what he’s really doing is bad but that he keeps on doing it for Dean’s sake. He’s turning evil and he can feel it. But then again, it’s in his nature to be evil. Dean would judge him, of this he is certain. It doesn’t matter how many angels or archangels Gabe kills for his one and only, Dean will call him a monster and Sam will probably back him on it. So what is an archangel to do? He takes one last look and then looks away into the mirror above the dresser. He buttons up his starched white shirt and looks at his reflection until he can’t bear it anymore. Frustratingly, it doesn’t take long.
The archangel hears a soft groan and flips his vision back to the bed in which his lover rests, now awake and staring up at him. Gabriel walks over and brushes a hand through his slightly damp hair. Nightmares. Nightmares which the archangel himself was asleep for. He sits down on the bed because he owes Dean at least that much, running his fingers through his short hair while Dean gazes up at him in curiosity. He watches him eye the shirt.
“Where are you going?”
“I’ll be back soon.”
Gabe turns away but looks back painfully when Dean grabs his hand.
“Did I do something wrong?”
Gabriel can’t even begin to fathom how Dean could think that, and he’s certain the pained and guilty expression on his face shows. He can’t manage to put up a poker face long in front of Dean anyway.
“Of course not," he smiles lightly, "why would you think that?”
Dean merely continues to gaze up at him. He’s probably still half asleep, Gabe thinks, since Dean would regularly be out of bed right now and yelling at him not to go. But he merely rests his head back up against the pillow and looks at him.
“Will you come back?”
He brushes his thumb across the slightly pale cheek before him.
“I always come back for you. You know that.”
Dean merely nods and closes his eyes, and Gabriel knows he’s already fallen back into sleep the moment his lips touch his forehead. He stands up, taking one final look at him, then he disappears completely.
…
Up in heaven all is chaos. No one is on his side, yet he is out to kill so many who would take the chance of harming Dean. Most of the time is spent tracking them down, it only takes a few seconds for him to plunge the blade that can kill his kind into their chests, watching the light pour out and their bodies drop down like sacks of dirt. He doesn’t like it, not one bit. But the only thing that keeps him going is the fact that he is doing this for Dean. He can kill so many of his kind because now he is one of the most powerful, but he cannot guarantee what will happen when Raphael catches up with him. It’s too much to bear. So he merely runs his eyes down his hit list. Find first, kill next, worry later. And when he makes it back home to Dean his mind is at ease, knowing his hunter is safe and sound for the time being. If Dean only could see what he was doing for him. If only he could fully understand the ramifications of it.
If he could only see the way he loves him … Maybe everything would change.
His time is running out, he knows it and yet he does not dwell on it. Cannot dwell on it. He hasn’t the time. Everything inside of him, everything he feels is for Dean now. There is nothing else to think about but what he’s doing. But sometimes when he’s up there, wanting to go back to Dean because he doesn’t feel at home in heaven anymore, he gets scared. He gets scared because he doesn’t know how long he can keep on doing this. He doesn’t know how long he can get away with lying to Dean. Last night was just a fluke thing, it certainly won’t happen again. Not even he has that luck. Gabriel shakes his head clear and concentrates on his job now. He will be back home in four hours and everything will be better again. Dean will hug him and kiss him and tell him how glad he is that he’s back. Maybe Sam will even drop by and they’ll drink and talk together. And Gabriel will be able to take his mind completely off of this.
If he could only see the way he loves him … Maybe everything would change.
…
When those four hours are over and he returns home he finds Dean up, drinking and pacing the room. And that’s not a pleasing combination.
“Where the hell were you?”
“Dean, I told you I had some things I had to do.”
“Yeah?” Dean walks closer. “Like what?”
Gabriel sighs and starts to unbutton his shirt. Dean gets up in his face demanding so much and he can’t help but look away.
“Gabriel, I am sick of your lies, and I am sick of your leaving in the middle of every goddamned night! Now I want some answers!”
His lover’s growls get his full attention. And with a shudder he realizes that he has never seen him this angry with him before. He thought he would have more time. He thought this would be in better circumstances. He looks up into his love’s rage filled eyes, but he sees the tiniest hint of love there. Maybe Dean won’t be mad.
“You want to know what I’ve been doing up in heaven, Dean? The only reason I’m even up there is because of you. I’m protecting you. Isn’t that enough?”
“What are you talking about?”
He sighs and decides to just get on with it, “I’ve been slaying angels.”
Dean dropped the bottle of whiskey he was holding, “You what?”
“It’s for you, Dean. It’s all for you.”
“How could this possibly be for me?”
“They will come after you, Dean. You cannot possibly understand the…," he sighs loudly and runs a hand through his hair, "they’ll kill you.”
“What the hell are you thinking, Gabriel? Killing angels? What, so you’re like some almighty warrior now killing to protect the one he loves? Don’t give me that bullshit. You’re killing for your benefit and your benefit alone. For all I know, you want to become king of heaven!”
The human gets him into such a state he can no longer control himself. He slams him up against the wall and shows Dean just how angry he truly feels.
“You think I’m doing this for me! You stupid useless selfish human! Maybe I should become king of heaven, huh? Is that what you want? You want me to leave you cause I will, I swear I will! And you know what? You can’t control me and you sure don’t deserve me!”
Gabriel wants to stop, he really does but he can’t. And he blames Dean for it. Why couldn’t his hunter see what he was doing? Why couldn’t he see that it was out of love? And the archangel was right, he never should have told Dean about this. He would have been better off just lying and accepting Dean’s frustration and hate. And deep down inside he knows that Dean deserves so much better than this. So much better than him, not the other way around. If Gabriel is just going to lie to his face about something so important, what does their relationship mean then?
After a while, he sees the look on Dean’s face and it pretty much breaks him. He sets him gently on the ground and Dean pulls away, getting as far a distance from him as he can.
“Dean, I’m…”
“Go. Just go. You think you can take advantage of me, fine, go ahead, you win. Just go.”
“I’m sorry,” he says, knowing that that will never be enough.
The last image he sees before he forces himself to disappear for Dean’s sake, is his body curled up on the floor, looking terrified and more hurt than Gabe has ever seen him in his entire life.
If he could only see the way he loves him … Maybe everything would change.
…
Dean is left to deal with the aftermath of Gabriel’s decision. The war that he lost, the lover that he left behind without a thought, so carelessly. Dean wonders if Gabriel ever realized how breakable he is. How much it hurt that Gabriel felt like he had to do this for him. Why the hell would he do something so reckless and so stupid? Dean wasn’t worth it and he knows that, has always felt that. Every single time he was with Gabriel, he tried his best not to think that but he thought it anyway. What could an archangel possibly see in him? And why would he kill so many, putting his own life in danger, for him? It wasn’t like the angels had started to come after Dean. It was his archangel that started the war, and it was his archangel that had died in the attempt to slay every possible angel that would ever in the future harm Dean. The human doesn’t know how to respond to this, doesn’t feel worthy enough for this. And he hates Gabriel now for leaving him like this. He had no right and he didn’t even say goodbye.
He stands at the spot where Gabe fell a week before, long dead, dried blood caked everywhere on him, his grace clearly gone. It was a long process for Dean. He exploded with fury, lingered in denial, wallowed in misery until Sam had to finally pull him away to at least bury the body of the dead archangel before him. Now he was drinking heavily, at the anger stage once more. Except before he had been mad at heaven, now he was mad at Gabriel. Because Gabe had left him. And he wasn’t coming back for him.
“You stupid son of a bitch!”
Dean’s tears stain the ground and he can almost see the outline of Gabriel’s huge and graceful white wings beneath his feet. And in the air an echo whispers that was never his.
I could do most anything to you Dean Winchester. But yet I don’t want to.
...
It’s all Gabriel can do to leave. He knows he loves but he wants a change. He wants to convince himself that he can change, that he can leave love behind in the dust and start a new life. He’s sick of living a lie. He doesn’t feel right living with someone, he needs freedom and independence. Sometimes he misses heaven, misses being an archangel. But he fell for love now and he no longer has his grace, his power. He’s one-hundred percent human now, and somehow he’s going to have to live with it. He’ll try to live a human life alone. Gabriel thinks he’ll be able to do it, as much as he’ll miss this life he can do it. It’s the only way he is going to survive.
He tells himself not to look back … But it’s a part of who he is.
He buys a train ticket to get the hell out of South Dakota. He’s planning on heading to Canada, see Niagara Falls, hopes it’ll remind him of what he remembers from heaven. He’s always wanted to go with Dean, but now it’s over. Their ephemeral relationship is over. He can’t lie when he says that he loves Dean, will always love him no matter where he is. But he can’t afford to miss him, can’t afford to keep on living a lie with him, a life that he doesn’t love. He knows Dean will understand because he knows Dean knows that this hasn’t been working. They haven’t been working for quite some time now. Angels and humans don’t mix. Even if Gabriel is no longer an angel, he will always be an angel in some way or another. He doesn’t want this truth to mean anything but it does. Dean was never meant to be his. This breaking up and leaving will not only benefit Gabriel, it will also benefit Dean, who is as much of a loner as he is.
He tells himself not to look back … But it’s a part of who he is.
The once and always archangel steps onto the platform, picks up his suitcase and enters the ominous and unforgiving black train. It fits perfectly because he’ll never forgive himself for what he’s doing now. He’ll never forgive himself for that last conversation. There’ll be no forgiveness for what he’s doing to Dean. And as much as he knows that Dean loves him and understands why he has to do this, he knows he’ll never forgive him either. He takes his seat and forces himself to look out the window at what he’s leaving behind. Dean came with him that day, he didn’t have to but he came. And that little thing means more to Gabe than he could ever say. Dean is standing there, looking up at him and smiling through tears that he doesn’t bother to wipe away. Gabriel can feel himself crying too and he focuses on him, the last time he’ll ever see him.
I love you, Dean. And I know you know that. Have a good life. Please have a good life.
He can feel the train start to move and he puts his hand flat on the glass, the last gesture to his love. Dean starts to run and he watches him, never taking his hand down, never tearing his eyes away. He doesn’t want it to be like this. He doesn’t want this moment to be the last time he sees Dean. But it is and he hates himself and the world for it. He hates this train, which is the thing that’s taking him away from Dean. He hates how fast he is running now, struggling to keep up with the black deathtrap and Gabe wants to yell at him one moment to stop but the next to never stop. It moves faster and faster and he doesn’t even notice when Dean is left behind because he can still see him. He can still see him running even though the train is going forty miles an hour. He can still see him through the foggy haze of tears and smoke. And he doesn’t want to see Dean run for him anymore.
I don’t want to see you fall anymore so you can catch up to me. I don’t want to see you sad.
He tells himself not to look back … But it’s a part of who he is.
I could do most anything to you Dean Winchester. But yet I don’t want to.
~ In slow motion, the blast is beautiful
(I could do most anything to you)
Doors slam shut, doors slam shut
(I could do most anything to you)
A clock is ticking, but it’s hidden far away
(I could do most anything to you)
Safe and sound, safe and sound ~
He’s finally found him after years of searching, finally found his weakness and gotten rid of it so he could get to him. He’s killed Sam Winchester because he was the man standing in the way of getting to his brother. And now Gabriel has Dean, hanging from a chain in the ceiling, bloody, broken, screaming, dying. He watches the just gorgeous blood drip down drop by drop, wonders when they’ll be no more left. But he doesn’t think about that for long, cause he knows he still has time left. That’s why he’s bleeding Dean slowly, so he can feel the pain and make the torture last. Prolong his death and watch his beautiful suffering. It’s astonishing how fragile humans are, the temptation of snapping Dean’s neck is killing him. But if he does that he won’t be able to play with the human anymore, and that would be a shame.
He hates him and he wonders why … Maybe it’s the way he looks at him.
He finishes sharpening the knife and drops it, suddenly remembering that he doesn’t need it. He’s the most powerful creature in the universe, other than God that is, he’s an archangel. He could snap his fingers and wouldn’t have to wait a second for Dean’s imminent death. He could say one single word and Dean wouldn’t even have time to scream out. The archangel walks closer and grins devilishly. Dean is a sexy man, even sexier now that’s he’s in his clutches. But he’s never looked as good as he does now, covered by blood in every square inch of his body, covered in more scars than one can count, and down for the count. He places a hand under his chin and lifts his head up, staring at his still closed eyes. His fingernails pierce the skin of his neck, digging in and drawing blood quickly. Dean flicks his eyes open and gasps, merely stares up at his torturer.
“Hello, Dean.”
“Gabriel, his voice is barely there anymore and it’s music to Gabriel’s ears, don’t do this.”
His eyes burn into the human, “Don’t tell me what to do.”
“Gabe, please.”
He smacks him hard, “Don’t call me that, Deano. Unless you want that knife back in your gut.”
He can feel Dean’s pathetic whimper and he hates it, wants to plunge the knife back into him. But he’s been doing that for too long now, it’s time to switch to other methods. He removes his hand from Dean’s neck and light pours out from it. He places it quickly on his forehead, the result of it leading to screams emanating throughout the room. Beautiful beautiful screams that Gabriel is living for right now. And it’s as these screams die down that he feels like talking, out of the blue.
“You see this light, Dean?”
His eyes are closing and he’s fading fast, but he’s not even close to being done with him yet.
“Open your eyes, human.”
A warning Dean doesn’t take.
“I said open your eyes!”
Dean does so and looks up at Gabriel with fear, “This isn’t you, Gabriel. This isn’t you.”
The light flares out from his hand once more and Dean can’t even find the strength to scream this time, merely groans and sinks into silence. He’s finally giving up.
“As I was saying, you see this light? It’s quite a wonderful thing, Deano. You want to know why? It can cause pain and it can take it away.”
His hand is instantly thrown into the hole in his belly and Dean nearly goes unconscious from it. He sinks further down into oblivion, and Gabriel draws closer, forcing him to look him in the eyes.
“Your little angel that once was, Castiel, was the perfect example of healing light. And I am glad you got to experience that, Dean, so that it could be ripped away from you and give me pleasure instead.”
His light burns from white to gold, allowing Dean a little serenity now, hearing him sigh in content and seeing his soul begin to patch itself together piece by piece.
“I want you to tell me something. Tell me you didn’t love him. That all those months of staring, and praying to him, and being there for him didn’t mean anything. Tell me it now, Dean. Say it,” he growls into his ear.
Dean flinches and the archangel gives him his voice back. Momentarily.
“It was always you, Gabe," he gasps out of breath but his voice sounding better, "always you.”
He grabs his head and digs his fingers into his hair. But Dean hardly feels it considering his light is still flowing into him. Gabriel knows exactly what he is doing.
“I didn’t ask you that. I asked you for the truth.”
“I…I didn’t love him. He was my friend, nothing more.”
“And you hate me for killing your friend. Don’t you?”
“I would rather have you alive. I missed you. I…”
“You what, Dean?”
Just two more words, two more words and that is all he needs.
“Love you," Gabe lets go of his head and starts to slowly retract the warmth so the human won’t feel it yet, "I love you.”
…
He rips it. He rips it away and Dean screams for what feels like hours, his voice wears away into nothing again and he pants so loudly Gabriel can’t hear himself think.
“How does that feel, Deano? Does that feel good?”
“Gabe…no…don’t.”
The archangel grins and steps back to watch the show. Dean doesn’t have much time left and he knows to do nothing more. He needs not do anything more. The human will die with no assistance and die sooner than Gabriel likes. But he cannot prolong it anymore. He’s had his fun and it’s been great fun. To be honest he could care less whether Dean loved Castiel or not. He would have once cared, would have once cared because he once loved Dean. But not anymore. Now he hates Dean and he wants him to know it. But he can see something in the human’s eyes. He doesn’t hate him, could never hate him. He loves Gabriel. Has always. Will always.
He hates him and he wonders why … Maybe it’s the way he looks at him.
Gabe closes his eyes and allows himself to feel Dean slipping away. But as he retreats unwillingly from here and now, he no longer finds the human’s suffering to be beautiful. He finds it to be horrible. He opens his eyes and he’s no longer in the warehouse, where he should be, he’s outside, in the night, stars above him and the full moon guiding him to two figures. He walks closer and sees himself and Dean, in a moment that never happened, in a life he doesn’t recognize. He stares in shock at what the two are doing, kissing on the hood of the Impala and they don’t seem to notice him. They pull away to talk and still don’t notice him, and Gabriel finally notices that his hair is longer and brighter in this life than it is now. He’s happier with Dean and his grace shines brighter.
He closes his eyes and listens to the sounds of the night when he’s thrown through time again. He watches a scene with him and Dean on the sidewalk now, he’s getting soaked but he can see them as clear as the day. They hold looks of love on their faces and before the archangel can even think about this he’s thrown again and again and again into different realities. And on his ninth he comes back to himself, a few seconds before he makes it back to the warehouse. Panic and shock hits him in the face when he realizes Dean is no longer alive. His blood is no longer dripping, heart no longer beating. Breath no longer existing. Gabe walks closer and cuts the human down, catching him as he drops into his arms. He sits down on the ground, cradling him in his arms and waiting for the realization to come, for the tears to come. Waiting for the hatred for himself to manifest and threaten to kill him so he’ll lie beside his human forever.
He hates him and he wonders why … Maybe it’s the way he looks at him.
He died loving me. And I hate him for loving me.
Gabe realizes there's something he missed in all those different realities. He missed the feel of Dean beneath his wings.
"Let's go back.”
And they go back to where they started.
I could do most anything to you Dean Winchester. But yet I don’t want to.
All I want to do is love you.
Dean jumps up in bed when he hears the rustle of feathers. They don’t sound like Cas’s, they sound stronger, softer, more loving in a way. Before he can even look around he is swept into someone’s arms. And this person, this angel feels so familiar, but it’s a familiar that he hasn’t felt in so long. He looks up into amber eyes and he smiles, his soul sighing so loudly in relief that he’s positive his Gabriel can hear it.
“I missed you”, Gabe’s tight grip is threatening to strangle him but he doesn’t care, his archangel is back now and he’d rather die than let go of him again.
“But…but you died.”
“And I came back to you," Gabriel smiles and kisses Dean in every single part of his body that he can reach.
“Will you stay?”
The archangel whispers into his beloved human’s ear, “I could do most anything to you, Dean Winchester. But yet I don’t want to. All I want to do is love you.”
They’re back together to stay. And if that isn’t enough for the both of them they truly don’t know what is.
The pulse quickens with every tick of the clock. My pulse quickens within my love for you.
~ (I could do most anything to you)
(I could do most anything to you)
(I could do most anything to you)
(I could do most anything to you)
(I could do most anything to you)
(I could do most anything to you) ~
FIN
Supernatural: Dean/Gabriel
Written by OpheliacAngel
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: Teen
Song Featured: Snow Patrol’s “Somewhere a Clock is Ticking”
Summary: Dean and Gabriel are shown in different realities. In one life, Gabe hates Dean, in another life they love each other passionately. What will they choose to be their reality? And more importantly, what are they willing to sacrifice to prove their love?
~ I’ve got this feeling that there’s something that I missed
(I could do most anything to you)
Don’t you breathe, don’t you breathe
(I could do most anything to you)
Something happened that I never understood
(I could do most anything to you)
You can’t leave, you can’t leave
(I could do most anything to you) ~
When Gabriel first lays eyes on Dean Winchester, he wants to see him suffer. Wants to see him get down on the ground and beg for his and his brother’s life. It’s little Sammy he’s drawn to, but it’s Dean, he figures out later on, that he sees more clearly than anything else in the world. In the midst of making him die a thousand ways, he gets an insane urge, one which he cannot describe, to stop it. He knows he must be losing it, cause watching Dean die and Sam’s pitiful reaction to it is downright hilarious, but he still feels that little something.
But then again somewhere else … He doesn’t feel anything at all.
The next time he sees Dean and Sam, he throws them into TV shows. And he even makes it a little fun for Dean, he has to admit, by throwing Dr. Sexy M.D. in there. Cause he knows just how much Dean will like that. And the next minute, he can barely feel himself doing it, he has his hand tight around the Winchester’s neck, held up against the wall and even looking a little scared. Gabriel wants to smile at that, he likes seeing the fear in his eyes, the fear that matches the fear he expressed each and every time he died. But this time he doesn’t like it.
This time it makes him feel weird. He can’t quite explain it, and maybe that’s why he lets Dean go. Maybe he doesn’t actually want to hurt him. He hides this all with his perfect mask, of course.
But then again somewhere else … He doesn’t feel anything at all.
When he argues with Dean in that warehouse, he truly feels something he’s never felt before. And he thinks that that might be apology. That at any minute he will tell the Winchester he’s sorry for everything and that he’s right. He’s right about everything and he wants to give up. He holds back his feelings while they leave, and he feels a pang of guilt where his heart would be if he had one when he turns the water on. Dean wouldn’t leave him to die, but yet Gabe would. He doesn’t know why he even cares about this, he just does. When he leaves the warehouse less than an hour later, he wants to see Dean so much it’s simply unbearable. He feels so lost and so unsure of what to do anymore. He wants to take Dean’s advice but he’d rather see him. But he can’t. Archangels don’t feel sympathy for humans, and tricksters take delight in hurting people. Gabriel doesn’t want Dean to suffer anymore though, he would give anything.
But then again somewhere else … He doesn’t feel anything at all.
I could do most anything to you Dean Winchester. But yet I don’t want to.
...
Gabriel looks up at the sky, taking in the rain that started falling a few minutes ago. He leans against the wall and waits for something beautiful. He can make an umbrella appear in an instant, but what would be the point of that? He feels cold when he’s without him anyway, he feels lifeless. He’ll only have to wait a few more minutes, he’s sure of it. Beauty won’t leave him out in the cold, he’ll come with a grin on his face like he always does. Cause Beauty loves him and he always will. He sighs and closes his eyes momentarily, tasting the rain and enjoying the smell of the air. It smells like whiskey, gunpowder, and gasoline, with an underlying hint of cinnamon. It smells like his Dean.
Every breath is like a tidal wave … And he crashes into him relentlessly.
He need not open his eyes, he can feel Dean walk up to him. But how can he keep his eyes closed on a sight such as him? The way he walks forms the lust in him, makes him grin and feel like a bad bad boy like he does when he’s messing with people’s lives. Dean is his drug now and his drug nearly kills him. The breath is knocked out of him and his human can sense this, pulls Gabriel to him to start delicately. The kiss is mind shattering, the cold freezes inside him and is replaced by love and warmth. Whenever he gets the thought that it’s a possibility that Dean doesn’t love him, he thinks of this, what this means and what it will always mean for the both of them. He kisses back even though he hasn’t breathed for the past forty seconds. He kisses back because Dean is his air.
Every breath is like a tidal wave … And he crashes into him relentlessly.
When they finally pull away they look at each other for endless seconds. The rain plasters Dean’s hair to his forehead, makes him look like he’s crying. And it’s beautiful. It’s so beautiful. Dean takes his hand like he always does and they leave the wall to walk along the street. It’s moments like these that the archangel truly feels grateful, when they need not talk, just wallow in each other’s company. Wanting to cry tears of joy cause it gets to him so much. They look at each other again and it stops the both of them in their tracks. They lay their lips on one another again, right in the middle of the street. He allows himself just this once to read the human’s mind, and he loves what he hears. It’s everything he feels and everything he sees. And Dean is calling him beautiful now, which makes him kiss him desperately and yank him closer. He can feel Dean gasp in shock but he instantly returns the favor. Because this time they can’t let go. This time Dean will have to be ripped away from him for them to ever let go.
Every breath is like a tidal wave … And he crashes into him relentlessly.
I could do most anything to you Dean Winchester. But yet I don’t want to.
~ Every second, dripping off my fingertips
(I could do most anything to you)
Wage your war, wage your war
(I could do most anything to you)
Another soldier says he’s not afraid to die
(I could do most anything to you)
I am scared, I’m so scared
(I could do most anything to you) ~
Gabriel watches Dean sleep, like he does many nights when his conscience keeps him awake. He longs to wake him up and talk to him, tell him he’s been lying to him, that what he’s really doing is bad but that he keeps on doing it for Dean’s sake. He’s turning evil and he can feel it. But then again, it’s in his nature to be evil. Dean would judge him, of this he is certain. It doesn’t matter how many angels or archangels Gabe kills for his one and only, Dean will call him a monster and Sam will probably back him on it. So what is an archangel to do? He takes one last look and then looks away into the mirror above the dresser. He buttons up his starched white shirt and looks at his reflection until he can’t bear it anymore. Frustratingly, it doesn’t take long.
The archangel hears a soft groan and flips his vision back to the bed in which his lover rests, now awake and staring up at him. Gabriel walks over and brushes a hand through his slightly damp hair. Nightmares. Nightmares which the archangel himself was asleep for. He sits down on the bed because he owes Dean at least that much, running his fingers through his short hair while Dean gazes up at him in curiosity. He watches him eye the shirt.
“Where are you going?”
“I’ll be back soon.”
Gabe turns away but looks back painfully when Dean grabs his hand.
“Did I do something wrong?”
Gabriel can’t even begin to fathom how Dean could think that, and he’s certain the pained and guilty expression on his face shows. He can’t manage to put up a poker face long in front of Dean anyway.
“Of course not," he smiles lightly, "why would you think that?”
Dean merely continues to gaze up at him. He’s probably still half asleep, Gabe thinks, since Dean would regularly be out of bed right now and yelling at him not to go. But he merely rests his head back up against the pillow and looks at him.
“Will you come back?”
He brushes his thumb across the slightly pale cheek before him.
“I always come back for you. You know that.”
Dean merely nods and closes his eyes, and Gabriel knows he’s already fallen back into sleep the moment his lips touch his forehead. He stands up, taking one final look at him, then he disappears completely.
…
Up in heaven all is chaos. No one is on his side, yet he is out to kill so many who would take the chance of harming Dean. Most of the time is spent tracking them down, it only takes a few seconds for him to plunge the blade that can kill his kind into their chests, watching the light pour out and their bodies drop down like sacks of dirt. He doesn’t like it, not one bit. But the only thing that keeps him going is the fact that he is doing this for Dean. He can kill so many of his kind because now he is one of the most powerful, but he cannot guarantee what will happen when Raphael catches up with him. It’s too much to bear. So he merely runs his eyes down his hit list. Find first, kill next, worry later. And when he makes it back home to Dean his mind is at ease, knowing his hunter is safe and sound for the time being. If Dean only could see what he was doing for him. If only he could fully understand the ramifications of it.
If he could only see the way he loves him … Maybe everything would change.
His time is running out, he knows it and yet he does not dwell on it. Cannot dwell on it. He hasn’t the time. Everything inside of him, everything he feels is for Dean now. There is nothing else to think about but what he’s doing. But sometimes when he’s up there, wanting to go back to Dean because he doesn’t feel at home in heaven anymore, he gets scared. He gets scared because he doesn’t know how long he can keep on doing this. He doesn’t know how long he can get away with lying to Dean. Last night was just a fluke thing, it certainly won’t happen again. Not even he has that luck. Gabriel shakes his head clear and concentrates on his job now. He will be back home in four hours and everything will be better again. Dean will hug him and kiss him and tell him how glad he is that he’s back. Maybe Sam will even drop by and they’ll drink and talk together. And Gabriel will be able to take his mind completely off of this.
If he could only see the way he loves him … Maybe everything would change.
…
When those four hours are over and he returns home he finds Dean up, drinking and pacing the room. And that’s not a pleasing combination.
“Where the hell were you?”
“Dean, I told you I had some things I had to do.”
“Yeah?” Dean walks closer. “Like what?”
Gabriel sighs and starts to unbutton his shirt. Dean gets up in his face demanding so much and he can’t help but look away.
“Gabriel, I am sick of your lies, and I am sick of your leaving in the middle of every goddamned night! Now I want some answers!”
His lover’s growls get his full attention. And with a shudder he realizes that he has never seen him this angry with him before. He thought he would have more time. He thought this would be in better circumstances. He looks up into his love’s rage filled eyes, but he sees the tiniest hint of love there. Maybe Dean won’t be mad.
“You want to know what I’ve been doing up in heaven, Dean? The only reason I’m even up there is because of you. I’m protecting you. Isn’t that enough?”
“What are you talking about?”
He sighs and decides to just get on with it, “I’ve been slaying angels.”
Dean dropped the bottle of whiskey he was holding, “You what?”
“It’s for you, Dean. It’s all for you.”
“How could this possibly be for me?”
“They will come after you, Dean. You cannot possibly understand the…," he sighs loudly and runs a hand through his hair, "they’ll kill you.”
“What the hell are you thinking, Gabriel? Killing angels? What, so you’re like some almighty warrior now killing to protect the one he loves? Don’t give me that bullshit. You’re killing for your benefit and your benefit alone. For all I know, you want to become king of heaven!”
The human gets him into such a state he can no longer control himself. He slams him up against the wall and shows Dean just how angry he truly feels.
“You think I’m doing this for me! You stupid useless selfish human! Maybe I should become king of heaven, huh? Is that what you want? You want me to leave you cause I will, I swear I will! And you know what? You can’t control me and you sure don’t deserve me!”
Gabriel wants to stop, he really does but he can’t. And he blames Dean for it. Why couldn’t his hunter see what he was doing? Why couldn’t he see that it was out of love? And the archangel was right, he never should have told Dean about this. He would have been better off just lying and accepting Dean’s frustration and hate. And deep down inside he knows that Dean deserves so much better than this. So much better than him, not the other way around. If Gabriel is just going to lie to his face about something so important, what does their relationship mean then?
After a while, he sees the look on Dean’s face and it pretty much breaks him. He sets him gently on the ground and Dean pulls away, getting as far a distance from him as he can.
“Dean, I’m…”
“Go. Just go. You think you can take advantage of me, fine, go ahead, you win. Just go.”
“I’m sorry,” he says, knowing that that will never be enough.
The last image he sees before he forces himself to disappear for Dean’s sake, is his body curled up on the floor, looking terrified and more hurt than Gabe has ever seen him in his entire life.
If he could only see the way he loves him … Maybe everything would change.
…
Dean is left to deal with the aftermath of Gabriel’s decision. The war that he lost, the lover that he left behind without a thought, so carelessly. Dean wonders if Gabriel ever realized how breakable he is. How much it hurt that Gabriel felt like he had to do this for him. Why the hell would he do something so reckless and so stupid? Dean wasn’t worth it and he knows that, has always felt that. Every single time he was with Gabriel, he tried his best not to think that but he thought it anyway. What could an archangel possibly see in him? And why would he kill so many, putting his own life in danger, for him? It wasn’t like the angels had started to come after Dean. It was his archangel that started the war, and it was his archangel that had died in the attempt to slay every possible angel that would ever in the future harm Dean. The human doesn’t know how to respond to this, doesn’t feel worthy enough for this. And he hates Gabriel now for leaving him like this. He had no right and he didn’t even say goodbye.
He stands at the spot where Gabe fell a week before, long dead, dried blood caked everywhere on him, his grace clearly gone. It was a long process for Dean. He exploded with fury, lingered in denial, wallowed in misery until Sam had to finally pull him away to at least bury the body of the dead archangel before him. Now he was drinking heavily, at the anger stage once more. Except before he had been mad at heaven, now he was mad at Gabriel. Because Gabe had left him. And he wasn’t coming back for him.
“You stupid son of a bitch!”
Dean’s tears stain the ground and he can almost see the outline of Gabriel’s huge and graceful white wings beneath his feet. And in the air an echo whispers that was never his.
I could do most anything to you Dean Winchester. But yet I don’t want to.
...
It’s all Gabriel can do to leave. He knows he loves but he wants a change. He wants to convince himself that he can change, that he can leave love behind in the dust and start a new life. He’s sick of living a lie. He doesn’t feel right living with someone, he needs freedom and independence. Sometimes he misses heaven, misses being an archangel. But he fell for love now and he no longer has his grace, his power. He’s one-hundred percent human now, and somehow he’s going to have to live with it. He’ll try to live a human life alone. Gabriel thinks he’ll be able to do it, as much as he’ll miss this life he can do it. It’s the only way he is going to survive.
He tells himself not to look back … But it’s a part of who he is.
He buys a train ticket to get the hell out of South Dakota. He’s planning on heading to Canada, see Niagara Falls, hopes it’ll remind him of what he remembers from heaven. He’s always wanted to go with Dean, but now it’s over. Their ephemeral relationship is over. He can’t lie when he says that he loves Dean, will always love him no matter where he is. But he can’t afford to miss him, can’t afford to keep on living a lie with him, a life that he doesn’t love. He knows Dean will understand because he knows Dean knows that this hasn’t been working. They haven’t been working for quite some time now. Angels and humans don’t mix. Even if Gabriel is no longer an angel, he will always be an angel in some way or another. He doesn’t want this truth to mean anything but it does. Dean was never meant to be his. This breaking up and leaving will not only benefit Gabriel, it will also benefit Dean, who is as much of a loner as he is.
He tells himself not to look back … But it’s a part of who he is.
The once and always archangel steps onto the platform, picks up his suitcase and enters the ominous and unforgiving black train. It fits perfectly because he’ll never forgive himself for what he’s doing now. He’ll never forgive himself for that last conversation. There’ll be no forgiveness for what he’s doing to Dean. And as much as he knows that Dean loves him and understands why he has to do this, he knows he’ll never forgive him either. He takes his seat and forces himself to look out the window at what he’s leaving behind. Dean came with him that day, he didn’t have to but he came. And that little thing means more to Gabe than he could ever say. Dean is standing there, looking up at him and smiling through tears that he doesn’t bother to wipe away. Gabriel can feel himself crying too and he focuses on him, the last time he’ll ever see him.
I love you, Dean. And I know you know that. Have a good life. Please have a good life.
He can feel the train start to move and he puts his hand flat on the glass, the last gesture to his love. Dean starts to run and he watches him, never taking his hand down, never tearing his eyes away. He doesn’t want it to be like this. He doesn’t want this moment to be the last time he sees Dean. But it is and he hates himself and the world for it. He hates this train, which is the thing that’s taking him away from Dean. He hates how fast he is running now, struggling to keep up with the black deathtrap and Gabe wants to yell at him one moment to stop but the next to never stop. It moves faster and faster and he doesn’t even notice when Dean is left behind because he can still see him. He can still see him running even though the train is going forty miles an hour. He can still see him through the foggy haze of tears and smoke. And he doesn’t want to see Dean run for him anymore.
I don’t want to see you fall anymore so you can catch up to me. I don’t want to see you sad.
He tells himself not to look back … But it’s a part of who he is.
I could do most anything to you Dean Winchester. But yet I don’t want to.
~ In slow motion, the blast is beautiful
(I could do most anything to you)
Doors slam shut, doors slam shut
(I could do most anything to you)
A clock is ticking, but it’s hidden far away
(I could do most anything to you)
Safe and sound, safe and sound ~
He’s finally found him after years of searching, finally found his weakness and gotten rid of it so he could get to him. He’s killed Sam Winchester because he was the man standing in the way of getting to his brother. And now Gabriel has Dean, hanging from a chain in the ceiling, bloody, broken, screaming, dying. He watches the just gorgeous blood drip down drop by drop, wonders when they’ll be no more left. But he doesn’t think about that for long, cause he knows he still has time left. That’s why he’s bleeding Dean slowly, so he can feel the pain and make the torture last. Prolong his death and watch his beautiful suffering. It’s astonishing how fragile humans are, the temptation of snapping Dean’s neck is killing him. But if he does that he won’t be able to play with the human anymore, and that would be a shame.
He hates him and he wonders why … Maybe it’s the way he looks at him.
He finishes sharpening the knife and drops it, suddenly remembering that he doesn’t need it. He’s the most powerful creature in the universe, other than God that is, he’s an archangel. He could snap his fingers and wouldn’t have to wait a second for Dean’s imminent death. He could say one single word and Dean wouldn’t even have time to scream out. The archangel walks closer and grins devilishly. Dean is a sexy man, even sexier now that’s he’s in his clutches. But he’s never looked as good as he does now, covered by blood in every square inch of his body, covered in more scars than one can count, and down for the count. He places a hand under his chin and lifts his head up, staring at his still closed eyes. His fingernails pierce the skin of his neck, digging in and drawing blood quickly. Dean flicks his eyes open and gasps, merely stares up at his torturer.
“Hello, Dean.”
“Gabriel, his voice is barely there anymore and it’s music to Gabriel’s ears, don’t do this.”
His eyes burn into the human, “Don’t tell me what to do.”
“Gabe, please.”
He smacks him hard, “Don’t call me that, Deano. Unless you want that knife back in your gut.”
He can feel Dean’s pathetic whimper and he hates it, wants to plunge the knife back into him. But he’s been doing that for too long now, it’s time to switch to other methods. He removes his hand from Dean’s neck and light pours out from it. He places it quickly on his forehead, the result of it leading to screams emanating throughout the room. Beautiful beautiful screams that Gabriel is living for right now. And it’s as these screams die down that he feels like talking, out of the blue.
“You see this light, Dean?”
His eyes are closing and he’s fading fast, but he’s not even close to being done with him yet.
“Open your eyes, human.”
A warning Dean doesn’t take.
“I said open your eyes!”
Dean does so and looks up at Gabriel with fear, “This isn’t you, Gabriel. This isn’t you.”
The light flares out from his hand once more and Dean can’t even find the strength to scream this time, merely groans and sinks into silence. He’s finally giving up.
“As I was saying, you see this light? It’s quite a wonderful thing, Deano. You want to know why? It can cause pain and it can take it away.”
His hand is instantly thrown into the hole in his belly and Dean nearly goes unconscious from it. He sinks further down into oblivion, and Gabriel draws closer, forcing him to look him in the eyes.
“Your little angel that once was, Castiel, was the perfect example of healing light. And I am glad you got to experience that, Dean, so that it could be ripped away from you and give me pleasure instead.”
His light burns from white to gold, allowing Dean a little serenity now, hearing him sigh in content and seeing his soul begin to patch itself together piece by piece.
“I want you to tell me something. Tell me you didn’t love him. That all those months of staring, and praying to him, and being there for him didn’t mean anything. Tell me it now, Dean. Say it,” he growls into his ear.
Dean flinches and the archangel gives him his voice back. Momentarily.
“It was always you, Gabe," he gasps out of breath but his voice sounding better, "always you.”
He grabs his head and digs his fingers into his hair. But Dean hardly feels it considering his light is still flowing into him. Gabriel knows exactly what he is doing.
“I didn’t ask you that. I asked you for the truth.”
“I…I didn’t love him. He was my friend, nothing more.”
“And you hate me for killing your friend. Don’t you?”
“I would rather have you alive. I missed you. I…”
“You what, Dean?”
Just two more words, two more words and that is all he needs.
“Love you," Gabe lets go of his head and starts to slowly retract the warmth so the human won’t feel it yet, "I love you.”
…
He rips it. He rips it away and Dean screams for what feels like hours, his voice wears away into nothing again and he pants so loudly Gabriel can’t hear himself think.
“How does that feel, Deano? Does that feel good?”
“Gabe…no…don’t.”
The archangel grins and steps back to watch the show. Dean doesn’t have much time left and he knows to do nothing more. He needs not do anything more. The human will die with no assistance and die sooner than Gabriel likes. But he cannot prolong it anymore. He’s had his fun and it’s been great fun. To be honest he could care less whether Dean loved Castiel or not. He would have once cared, would have once cared because he once loved Dean. But not anymore. Now he hates Dean and he wants him to know it. But he can see something in the human’s eyes. He doesn’t hate him, could never hate him. He loves Gabriel. Has always. Will always.
He hates him and he wonders why … Maybe it’s the way he looks at him.
Gabe closes his eyes and allows himself to feel Dean slipping away. But as he retreats unwillingly from here and now, he no longer finds the human’s suffering to be beautiful. He finds it to be horrible. He opens his eyes and he’s no longer in the warehouse, where he should be, he’s outside, in the night, stars above him and the full moon guiding him to two figures. He walks closer and sees himself and Dean, in a moment that never happened, in a life he doesn’t recognize. He stares in shock at what the two are doing, kissing on the hood of the Impala and they don’t seem to notice him. They pull away to talk and still don’t notice him, and Gabriel finally notices that his hair is longer and brighter in this life than it is now. He’s happier with Dean and his grace shines brighter.
He closes his eyes and listens to the sounds of the night when he’s thrown through time again. He watches a scene with him and Dean on the sidewalk now, he’s getting soaked but he can see them as clear as the day. They hold looks of love on their faces and before the archangel can even think about this he’s thrown again and again and again into different realities. And on his ninth he comes back to himself, a few seconds before he makes it back to the warehouse. Panic and shock hits him in the face when he realizes Dean is no longer alive. His blood is no longer dripping, heart no longer beating. Breath no longer existing. Gabe walks closer and cuts the human down, catching him as he drops into his arms. He sits down on the ground, cradling him in his arms and waiting for the realization to come, for the tears to come. Waiting for the hatred for himself to manifest and threaten to kill him so he’ll lie beside his human forever.
He hates him and he wonders why … Maybe it’s the way he looks at him.
He died loving me. And I hate him for loving me.
Gabe realizes there's something he missed in all those different realities. He missed the feel of Dean beneath his wings.
"Let's go back.”
And they go back to where they started.
I could do most anything to you Dean Winchester. But yet I don’t want to.
All I want to do is love you.
Dean jumps up in bed when he hears the rustle of feathers. They don’t sound like Cas’s, they sound stronger, softer, more loving in a way. Before he can even look around he is swept into someone’s arms. And this person, this angel feels so familiar, but it’s a familiar that he hasn’t felt in so long. He looks up into amber eyes and he smiles, his soul sighing so loudly in relief that he’s positive his Gabriel can hear it.
“I missed you”, Gabe’s tight grip is threatening to strangle him but he doesn’t care, his archangel is back now and he’d rather die than let go of him again.
“But…but you died.”
“And I came back to you," Gabriel smiles and kisses Dean in every single part of his body that he can reach.
“Will you stay?”
The archangel whispers into his beloved human’s ear, “I could do most anything to you, Dean Winchester. But yet I don’t want to. All I want to do is love you.”
They’re back together to stay. And if that isn’t enough for the both of them they truly don’t know what is.
The pulse quickens with every tick of the clock. My pulse quickens within my love for you.
~ (I could do most anything to you)
(I could do most anything to you)
(I could do most anything to you)
(I could do most anything to you)
(I could do most anything to you)
(I could do most anything to you) ~
FIN