Way to Go for the Library!!!
If it wasnt for computers, how the hell would I survive?
lol, but no, really...
Lately I survive on my daily dosage of myspace comments and shit. Quite pathetic really, but what can you do?
So Schuyler Paap is an awesom friend. I love him man! What A guy?
There hae been some troubles with the family and boyfriend.
Well, first off, I called my dad an asshole, cause really... he can be quite the ass whole, so he snapped and started yelling and getting up in my face like he was a hard ass saying stuff like he was going to show me what an asshole really acts like and I said what, are you going to beat me? and He said a whole bunch more stuff then he finally shoved me into the stair railings and I ended up smacking my hand on it really hard and my knuckles were all brusied and swollen. I cried and he screamed some more and then i told him that would be the last time he ever laid his fucking hands on me and told him he would regret ever acting that way and told him to take me home and that I didnt ever want to see him again.
So he kept going with the insults and put-downs and finally took me home where I sat in the back seat trying to not to let him hear me cry. We didnt say a word to each other until he got two blocks away from my house where he pulled over and asked me if this was really how I wanted to leave things and then he started crying and told me he loves me more than anything and that he only gets mad cause he gets his feelings hurt and that he always fucks things up and I tried hard to cry.
I didnt say anything to him because I was still mad and didnt want him to hear my shakey voice. So, he kept on driving and he told me he needed the cds I checked out of the library so I got out of the car and went and got them and handed them to him and i said bye and turned and walked away without looking back. I say if he's dpressed its his own damn fault. Im sick of dealing with my family when they continue to sabitoge themselves. My brother is in jail right now...ps.
Drugs are fucking terrible. Im sorry I ever even smoked pot before. I dont like it. I dont even need it. Im a happy person. It seems it only makes my life harder. Im never doing it again. Ive only been drunk once or twice and I dont like it either. Yeah I had fun, but the decisions I made werent very good and I can have just as much if not more fun sober. That goes out to all of you as well. Ive been around you guys when your drunk, and personally, Ive had better times with you guys when you actually can stand up straight and carry on a normal conversation. There are fucking other ways to have fun. trust me. I just dont want this shit to take control over us. Over our lives and have it eventually become who we are and how we are classified. I dont want to be looked down upon.
I just wanna be happy. I want my friends to be happy.
Ok. well the boyfriend news...
He decided not to call me. For what seemedlike a week. I havent seen him in 10 days... Is there something wrong with this? Well, to me it is. I ended up getting kind of emotional about it. Like he doesnt care and it makes me wonder how much he means everything he says. Like if he means it when he says "I miss you too!" and Im sorry if you do mean it, but words arent enough for me lately. You need to start showing you care.
Anyways, I ended up hanging out with a really cute and nice and sincere boy over the weekend, friday night and all day saterday. I had so much fun....!!!! And I was upset about Ben not calling me and not wanting to hang out. So I did something really out of character for me... and I kissed him.(Jon) and now Ive been sick with nervousness... I told Ben sunday when I got home. and he was kind of hurt and maybe a little mad. But not as mad as i thought he'd be... or as mad as any other guy would be and it kind of confused me as to wether or not he even cared or if it was just a show. Does he cheat on me? Im having a really hard ime trying to figuer out what to do... Ive asked all of my friends and some say I should dump Ben. and see what happens with Jon. Others say I should stay with ben and see if anything gets better and still talk to Jon but wait it out with Ben a little while. Im really scared because Ive never felt this way for another guy besides Ben.
Ive been crying a lot lately. When I think about breaking up with Ben my eyes get really watery. I even asked my mom about it, which was hard because well.... It hard to ask my mom about things sometimes.
I just wish this was easier. Jon makes me happy though. he's totally not the "not call your girl-friend" type. So... Im scared.
I waear my heart on my sleeve and I am always the one with expectations and hopes and the one who likes the other way more than the other likes me....
Thank god for fucking music.
welp. Im out for now. Goodnight... love Jaimie
lol, but no, really...
Lately I survive on my daily dosage of myspace comments and shit. Quite pathetic really, but what can you do?
So Schuyler Paap is an awesom friend. I love him man! What A guy?
There hae been some troubles with the family and boyfriend.
Well, first off, I called my dad an asshole, cause really... he can be quite the ass whole, so he snapped and started yelling and getting up in my face like he was a hard ass saying stuff like he was going to show me what an asshole really acts like and I said what, are you going to beat me? and He said a whole bunch more stuff then he finally shoved me into the stair railings and I ended up smacking my hand on it really hard and my knuckles were all brusied and swollen. I cried and he screamed some more and then i told him that would be the last time he ever laid his fucking hands on me and told him he would regret ever acting that way and told him to take me home and that I didnt ever want to see him again.
So he kept going with the insults and put-downs and finally took me home where I sat in the back seat trying to not to let him hear me cry. We didnt say a word to each other until he got two blocks away from my house where he pulled over and asked me if this was really how I wanted to leave things and then he started crying and told me he loves me more than anything and that he only gets mad cause he gets his feelings hurt and that he always fucks things up and I tried hard to cry.
I didnt say anything to him because I was still mad and didnt want him to hear my shakey voice. So, he kept on driving and he told me he needed the cds I checked out of the library so I got out of the car and went and got them and handed them to him and i said bye and turned and walked away without looking back. I say if he's dpressed its his own damn fault. Im sick of dealing with my family when they continue to sabitoge themselves. My brother is in jail right now...ps.
Drugs are fucking terrible. Im sorry I ever even smoked pot before. I dont like it. I dont even need it. Im a happy person. It seems it only makes my life harder. Im never doing it again. Ive only been drunk once or twice and I dont like it either. Yeah I had fun, but the decisions I made werent very good and I can have just as much if not more fun sober. That goes out to all of you as well. Ive been around you guys when your drunk, and personally, Ive had better times with you guys when you actually can stand up straight and carry on a normal conversation. There are fucking other ways to have fun. trust me. I just dont want this shit to take control over us. Over our lives and have it eventually become who we are and how we are classified. I dont want to be looked down upon.
I just wanna be happy. I want my friends to be happy.
Ok. well the boyfriend news...
He decided not to call me. For what seemedlike a week. I havent seen him in 10 days... Is there something wrong with this? Well, to me it is. I ended up getting kind of emotional about it. Like he doesnt care and it makes me wonder how much he means everything he says. Like if he means it when he says "I miss you too!" and Im sorry if you do mean it, but words arent enough for me lately. You need to start showing you care.
Anyways, I ended up hanging out with a really cute and nice and sincere boy over the weekend, friday night and all day saterday. I had so much fun....!!!! And I was upset about Ben not calling me and not wanting to hang out. So I did something really out of character for me... and I kissed him.(Jon) and now Ive been sick with nervousness... I told Ben sunday when I got home. and he was kind of hurt and maybe a little mad. But not as mad as i thought he'd be... or as mad as any other guy would be and it kind of confused me as to wether or not he even cared or if it was just a show. Does he cheat on me? Im having a really hard ime trying to figuer out what to do... Ive asked all of my friends and some say I should dump Ben. and see what happens with Jon. Others say I should stay with ben and see if anything gets better and still talk to Jon but wait it out with Ben a little while. Im really scared because Ive never felt this way for another guy besides Ben.
Ive been crying a lot lately. When I think about breaking up with Ben my eyes get really watery. I even asked my mom about it, which was hard because well.... It hard to ask my mom about things sometimes.
I just wish this was easier. Jon makes me happy though. he's totally not the "not call your girl-friend" type. So... Im scared.
I waear my heart on my sleeve and I am always the one with expectations and hopes and the one who likes the other way more than the other likes me....
Thank god for fucking music.
welp. Im out for now. Goodnight... love Jaimie