(no subject)
I did not go to a SINGLE ONE of my classes this week...what was I thinking?! Not only that, but I'm going to be drunk pretty much all of next week for Little 500 so I'm really dumb for missing this week. Stupid Stupid.
Why is it that everyone is talking about how 22 is young and I have the rest of my life ahead of me...and I need to relax and have no commitments yada yada....when ALL I can think about is how my life is OVER?!?! Seriously, at the age of 22 I'm making choices that are going to affect my life when I'm 50...to me, that's not YOUNG and WHIMSICAL....that's OLD and SERIOUS! I can't stand that my career choices today and tomorrow will affect me forever....how freaking daunting! In fact, the past two weeks I've had a rough time sleeping b/c I cannot chose my fate. I've been watching Sex and the City a lot lately b/c Alix left all of her dvd's here and there are just little quotes that are really tugging at me... like when Charlotte says "I chose my choice!" when she is defending some decisions for her friends...and I feel like that sometimes..that I've chosen my choice but no one else is behind me... but then again I feel like sometimes I say that I've chosen my choice so people don't think I'm lost...which I'm NOT, but sometimes I feel it. And then Carrie said "Can you make a mistake and miss your fate?!" AHHH SCARY!!!! What if I'm making all the wrong choices right now and now my fate is alllll screwed up!!?!! What if I chose to go into the wrong kind of psychology and my fate misses me (which would only be a bad thing assuming my fate was good in the first place)....ahh.
I am graduating in 3 weeks. THREE WEEKS! And then what, I go back home as a college graduate working at a tanning salon and nannying 3 days a week? I mean..... a college graduate?! working at a tanning salon?! Part of me feels miserable about that but then again, had I decided to continue with law school (where i wouldhave been miserable) then I would be leaving for law school in the fall and I'd be right on track...however, I changed my mind and that's why I have a year of test taking and applications to keep me occupied for the next several months. omg.
I just need ONE thing to make me feel like things are stable and okay in my life. Things are just way too insane. Matt used to be the only constant in my life...the one person I could count on to call me before I went to bed and to be there at my house when I drive back home for the weekends...and now I'm left to my own devices where I get NO phone calls before I go to bed and when I get home I find myself making plans with random people that I don't even want to spend time with b/c I feel like sitting at home for a whole weekend is just dumb. It's scary that aside from my family, there are only 3 people who mean the world to me...Alix, Alex and Ashley.... What am I going to do next year when Ashley is in San Diego and Alex is in Indy?! My life support is not going to be RIGHT there for me and that's going to be impossibly hard to deal with. I always thought I'd graduate, my friends would move away but it would be okay b/c I'd be home and my main life support, Matt and my family would still be around me...and now all I have is my family....and they have their own things to deal with.
Man.
You know, it's been 17 days since Matt and I talked and I'm just getting so sad and angry that he hasn't tried to contact me. Is it because I told him not to call me? But when the fuck has he ever listened to me before?! Ugh.....I know I'm responsible for my own feelings but the way he has been acting and because he hasn't tried to call me or anything makes me feel like the past 5 years meant nothing to him and I feel like I'm a piece of shit in his eyes. I bet anyone 20$ that he has found some whore to occupy his time while he's feeling lonely. I can only pray that because I'm heading up my feelings face front and center that I will heal faster and find someone worth my time sooner than he will. He avoids his problems and masks them with fake things, so with any luck I'll be married and successful by the time I'm 30 and he'll still be searching for something real to hold on to ( I was real....fyi). ...b/c he didn't deal with it face value when it was all happening. The night that he and I decided to not pursue a relationship anymore I was the one who said I wanted this to be forever and he was the one who said he didn't...that he could see us getting back together in the future and that he didn't think it had to be like "this"...so WHY hasn't he tried to call me?! Ugh.... he hates me. I guess.
Why is it that everyone is talking about how 22 is young and I have the rest of my life ahead of me...and I need to relax and have no commitments yada yada....when ALL I can think about is how my life is OVER?!?! Seriously, at the age of 22 I'm making choices that are going to affect my life when I'm 50...to me, that's not YOUNG and WHIMSICAL....that's OLD and SERIOUS! I can't stand that my career choices today and tomorrow will affect me forever....how freaking daunting! In fact, the past two weeks I've had a rough time sleeping b/c I cannot chose my fate. I've been watching Sex and the City a lot lately b/c Alix left all of her dvd's here and there are just little quotes that are really tugging at me... like when Charlotte says "I chose my choice!" when she is defending some decisions for her friends...and I feel like that sometimes..that I've chosen my choice but no one else is behind me... but then again I feel like sometimes I say that I've chosen my choice so people don't think I'm lost...which I'm NOT, but sometimes I feel it. And then Carrie said "Can you make a mistake and miss your fate?!" AHHH SCARY!!!! What if I'm making all the wrong choices right now and now my fate is alllll screwed up!!?!! What if I chose to go into the wrong kind of psychology and my fate misses me (which would only be a bad thing assuming my fate was good in the first place)....ahh.
I am graduating in 3 weeks. THREE WEEKS! And then what, I go back home as a college graduate working at a tanning salon and nannying 3 days a week? I mean..... a college graduate?! working at a tanning salon?! Part of me feels miserable about that but then again, had I decided to continue with law school (where i wouldhave been miserable) then I would be leaving for law school in the fall and I'd be right on track...however, I changed my mind and that's why I have a year of test taking and applications to keep me occupied for the next several months. omg.
I just need ONE thing to make me feel like things are stable and okay in my life. Things are just way too insane. Matt used to be the only constant in my life...the one person I could count on to call me before I went to bed and to be there at my house when I drive back home for the weekends...and now I'm left to my own devices where I get NO phone calls before I go to bed and when I get home I find myself making plans with random people that I don't even want to spend time with b/c I feel like sitting at home for a whole weekend is just dumb. It's scary that aside from my family, there are only 3 people who mean the world to me...Alix, Alex and Ashley.... What am I going to do next year when Ashley is in San Diego and Alex is in Indy?! My life support is not going to be RIGHT there for me and that's going to be impossibly hard to deal with. I always thought I'd graduate, my friends would move away but it would be okay b/c I'd be home and my main life support, Matt and my family would still be around me...and now all I have is my family....and they have their own things to deal with.
Man.
You know, it's been 17 days since Matt and I talked and I'm just getting so sad and angry that he hasn't tried to contact me. Is it because I told him not to call me? But when the fuck has he ever listened to me before?! Ugh.....I know I'm responsible for my own feelings but the way he has been acting and because he hasn't tried to call me or anything makes me feel like the past 5 years meant nothing to him and I feel like I'm a piece of shit in his eyes. I bet anyone 20$ that he has found some whore to occupy his time while he's feeling lonely. I can only pray that because I'm heading up my feelings face front and center that I will heal faster and find someone worth my time sooner than he will. He avoids his problems and masks them with fake things, so with any luck I'll be married and successful by the time I'm 30 and he'll still be searching for something real to hold on to ( I was real....fyi). ...b/c he didn't deal with it face value when it was all happening. The night that he and I decided to not pursue a relationship anymore I was the one who said I wanted this to be forever and he was the one who said he didn't...that he could see us getting back together in the future and that he didn't think it had to be like "this"...so WHY hasn't he tried to call me?! Ugh.... he hates me. I guess.