should this be private or public?
for whatever reason i just keep thinking about friends i've lost, and all in all i wish i still had them. i miss them. i want to talk to rachel, but i don't know if she would welcome it or call me a twat and hate me. but if we did start talking again would i be a happier person or would i regret it. people have a tendency to change, and also to stay incredibly the same. would we still have anything in common? would things be the absolute same and drive me nuts again? were things really that bad with us in the first place? i honestly can't recall what it was that set us apart in the first place. i had some bs reasons back then but i really don't think they hold water anymore. what are her thoughts i wonder. did i make a mistake?
and i still think about brenda. our relationship was different than my relationship with my other friends was\is. we just sat around and listened to music, and created things together. sometimes she would play while i sang. we would talk about deep things at length. we also smoked a lot of pot lol those were special times too. it wasn't just sitting in a random basement being stoners. we would hang in my car or my van and be stoners there, but we would talk about all sorts of crazy things, and she always made a special mix for our adventures in "the world" we split because manda and i fucked in her bed, i straight up say it. but she had offered her bed to us on 3 other previous occasions, adn we said no iiiii don't think so. but one fateful night we were stoned and drunk and hadn't had sex in like a month cuz shannon would never leave us alone and i just said fuck it, and we did it. her family apparently hear, she heard, and then we were a big fucking joke to them. brenda didn't talk to us for like 2-3 months and we had no idea why. one day i get an email from her saying how pissed she was and that everyone heard and that we were a household joke. she said she could forgive but never forget and it would take time but she still wanted to be friends. and if i couldn't handle the truth we had nothing further to discuss. i just couldn't handle it at the time, i was slowly losing my mind and my sense of self. i never responded. at all. i was going to mail her and tell her everything i said above on the subject, apologize for wrongdoing and hope we could move on, but i was just so tired of the avoidence when there was a problem, i always was ready to talk things through but she wasnt until the problem ate at her for a month or so. i was tired of the cycle. i always apologized whether it was my fault or not i just wanted to move on and be done with it and get back to normal. i've seen her since adn she was nice, and polite. she made no remarks about the past. and wished us well. my sis saw her and she asked how amanda and i were. i wonder if there could still be a friendship. amanda really didn't liek her toword the end of things and never understood why i wanted to hang out with her. it may have been her own insecurities or social issues, but it was an issue with us. not being friends with her was just easier in a way. i suppose the past is the past. dredging it up now would prolly just be trouble. but i still wonder what would have happeened if things were different with rach and bren.
and i still think about brenda. our relationship was different than my relationship with my other friends was\is. we just sat around and listened to music, and created things together. sometimes she would play while i sang. we would talk about deep things at length. we also smoked a lot of pot lol those were special times too. it wasn't just sitting in a random basement being stoners. we would hang in my car or my van and be stoners there, but we would talk about all sorts of crazy things, and she always made a special mix for our adventures in "the world" we split because manda and i fucked in her bed, i straight up say it. but she had offered her bed to us on 3 other previous occasions, adn we said no iiiii don't think so. but one fateful night we were stoned and drunk and hadn't had sex in like a month cuz shannon would never leave us alone and i just said fuck it, and we did it. her family apparently hear, she heard, and then we were a big fucking joke to them. brenda didn't talk to us for like 2-3 months and we had no idea why. one day i get an email from her saying how pissed she was and that everyone heard and that we were a household joke. she said she could forgive but never forget and it would take time but she still wanted to be friends. and if i couldn't handle the truth we had nothing further to discuss. i just couldn't handle it at the time, i was slowly losing my mind and my sense of self. i never responded. at all. i was going to mail her and tell her everything i said above on the subject, apologize for wrongdoing and hope we could move on, but i was just so tired of the avoidence when there was a problem, i always was ready to talk things through but she wasnt until the problem ate at her for a month or so. i was tired of the cycle. i always apologized whether it was my fault or not i just wanted to move on and be done with it and get back to normal. i've seen her since adn she was nice, and polite. she made no remarks about the past. and wished us well. my sis saw her and she asked how amanda and i were. i wonder if there could still be a friendship. amanda really didn't liek her toword the end of things and never understood why i wanted to hang out with her. it may have been her own insecurities or social issues, but it was an issue with us. not being friends with her was just easier in a way. i suppose the past is the past. dredging it up now would prolly just be trouble. but i still wonder what would have happeened if things were different with rach and bren.