happy...er... graduation?
I purged a week ago for the first time in three and a half months. Since then, I've probably done it about 5 times, and I'm worried even as I write this that I will go and do it again as the lettuce and bread (pathetic) digests in my stomach. At the moment, it seems the hardest thing to do. I thought I was free and I was so proud of myself. I'm telling myself that sometimes these downfalls happen, but that doesn't mean I can't rise above...it's only been a week, not forever, and I can turn back.
This is not, and I repeat, this is not how I wanted to lose the weight. At 115 right now. Still trying to get something right in my life, and not quite sure how to do it.
All I think about now is graduation. I'm imagining all sorts of scenarios, watching as I'm having drinks and finger food with good friends at a party when they walk in. And I see myself shrinking back because obviously everyone feels awkward and its just best that I should go. Make myself invisible and sneak out before someone lies to me and says, "no no B everything is fine, I told you that you are first priority, please stay" but really thinking "this is so awkward, someone make something happen so that things are back to normal." But normal can only happen when I leave. Because for the past year, all their friends have been wrapped up in one another and its this intricate circle that can't be unbroken -- and I can hear the delicate dishes rattling when I enter the room, and I don't want to make anything crack, or let alone break. I was once apart of that circle, but once They spurned me & I saw that no one was truly supporting me, I (obviously) felt very unwelcome and it was best that I leave. Last semester I lived with juniors - not seniors - to distance myself from the situation. And this semester I'm living at home already done with school. That only made things worse as they got so used to not having me around, being able to deal with me separately from Them. Now with us all together, I don't know how it's going to pan out.
And I feel terrible because I don't think they understand - no, I know they don't understand. I mean, how could they? The deep hurt and betrayal happened to me not them, and I would have no idea of the pain had I not gone through it myself. How can I make my friends still feel that I care about them and love them to death without making them feel like I'm avoiding them because They are there? I will be around the festivities as little as possible, this is for certain. I'm sad, because graduation is supposed to be a happy time of joy and togetherness, enjoying the last time you've had with the friends you've spent the last four years of your life with. Instead, it will be a constant watching out so that I can slip out the door when They show up. And it's not that easy...because my friends are roommates with Her and my other friend is dating someone who is best friends with Them. See? It's all convoluted and just a big mess.
I want it to be over already. I'm making myself sick over it because I can't handle the nerves. I wish I didn't have to go, but when I told my parents that I didn't want to attend, they didn't understand why their college graduate wasn't letting them see her graduate. My mother never graduated and my dad was the first in his family, so it's a really big deal to them.
One more month. One more month and then it's all over. And it's only a week long. I can do this (said shakily, but at least it's said. maybe i'll believe it before the time comes).
This is not, and I repeat, this is not how I wanted to lose the weight. At 115 right now. Still trying to get something right in my life, and not quite sure how to do it.
All I think about now is graduation. I'm imagining all sorts of scenarios, watching as I'm having drinks and finger food with good friends at a party when they walk in. And I see myself shrinking back because obviously everyone feels awkward and its just best that I should go. Make myself invisible and sneak out before someone lies to me and says, "no no B everything is fine, I told you that you are first priority, please stay" but really thinking "this is so awkward, someone make something happen so that things are back to normal." But normal can only happen when I leave. Because for the past year, all their friends have been wrapped up in one another and its this intricate circle that can't be unbroken -- and I can hear the delicate dishes rattling when I enter the room, and I don't want to make anything crack, or let alone break. I was once apart of that circle, but once They spurned me & I saw that no one was truly supporting me, I (obviously) felt very unwelcome and it was best that I leave. Last semester I lived with juniors - not seniors - to distance myself from the situation. And this semester I'm living at home already done with school. That only made things worse as they got so used to not having me around, being able to deal with me separately from Them. Now with us all together, I don't know how it's going to pan out.
And I feel terrible because I don't think they understand - no, I know they don't understand. I mean, how could they? The deep hurt and betrayal happened to me not them, and I would have no idea of the pain had I not gone through it myself. How can I make my friends still feel that I care about them and love them to death without making them feel like I'm avoiding them because They are there? I will be around the festivities as little as possible, this is for certain. I'm sad, because graduation is supposed to be a happy time of joy and togetherness, enjoying the last time you've had with the friends you've spent the last four years of your life with. Instead, it will be a constant watching out so that I can slip out the door when They show up. And it's not that easy...because my friends are roommates with Her and my other friend is dating someone who is best friends with Them. See? It's all convoluted and just a big mess.
I want it to be over already. I'm making myself sick over it because I can't handle the nerves. I wish I didn't have to go, but when I told my parents that I didn't want to attend, they didn't understand why their college graduate wasn't letting them see her graduate. My mother never graduated and my dad was the first in his family, so it's a really big deal to them.
One more month. One more month and then it's all over. And it's only a week long. I can do this (said shakily, but at least it's said. maybe i'll believe it before the time comes).