determination can kill
I was speaking to my friend earlier on the coincidence of not writing in my journal all last semester. I wonder why? I was generally happy last semester, and I had someone to talk to. Maybe I only write in my journal during the really hard times -- when I feel like I can't get up and walk out the door without breaking down. I need to spill all the emotional turmoil bubbling inside so that I am able to walk out that door with a smile on my face (however fake) and no one would know. Writing is probably a crutch. I don't have that many "happy" entries...but I wonder if that's because I don't have that many "happy" moments I truly feel.
I feel like Van Gogh .... it's the pain and emptiness that spurs such great creativity...and in my case, such beautiful writing. I feel so intensely, it's almost as if I can touch the hurt and therefore having it materialize on paper is so natural and relieving and necessary.
I promised myself that I would go to yoga today and work my body past its capacity in the gym.
Just minutes before yoga began, I popped some bread in the toaster, had a bowl of cereal, and ate a few gummy worms (my idea of a binge).
Why do I always sabatoge what I know is best for me? What I know will make me happier...at least in the short run?
It doesn't matter. In about 45 minutes I will go to the gym, probably for hours. Tomorrow I will fast. And April 1st I will began the most strictest regimen possible for me to be severely underweight by the time graduation comes. Why? Because I am so insecure in my own skin that i can't stand the thought of seeing my friends and looking normal. Because that's not me - on the inside I'm hurting so much that I need my outside to feel it too. And I have no idea why I need to convey my pain in this way.
Yes I do. It's because I want him and her to know the extent of what they did to me and that no, I am not better and they should feel terrible just terrible for letting their friend suffer because of their selfishness and carelessness. Who does that to a friend? They knew I was fragile and yet they didn't care. And i want them to know it and feel it in their bones and wish they had never betrayed me.
Forget April 1st. It's starting right now. I have so much determination and I just feel terrible that I'm not at school -- meaning my parents will just have to sit back and watch.
I feel like Van Gogh .... it's the pain and emptiness that spurs such great creativity...and in my case, such beautiful writing. I feel so intensely, it's almost as if I can touch the hurt and therefore having it materialize on paper is so natural and relieving and necessary.
I promised myself that I would go to yoga today and work my body past its capacity in the gym.
Just minutes before yoga began, I popped some bread in the toaster, had a bowl of cereal, and ate a few gummy worms (my idea of a binge).
Why do I always sabatoge what I know is best for me? What I know will make me happier...at least in the short run?
It doesn't matter. In about 45 minutes I will go to the gym, probably for hours. Tomorrow I will fast. And April 1st I will began the most strictest regimen possible for me to be severely underweight by the time graduation comes. Why? Because I am so insecure in my own skin that i can't stand the thought of seeing my friends and looking normal. Because that's not me - on the inside I'm hurting so much that I need my outside to feel it too. And I have no idea why I need to convey my pain in this way.
Yes I do. It's because I want him and her to know the extent of what they did to me and that no, I am not better and they should feel terrible just terrible for letting their friend suffer because of their selfishness and carelessness. Who does that to a friend? They knew I was fragile and yet they didn't care. And i want them to know it and feel it in their bones and wish they had never betrayed me.
Forget April 1st. It's starting right now. I have so much determination and I just feel terrible that I'm not at school -- meaning my parents will just have to sit back and watch.