(no subject)
You know what I don't understand in life? Why you are put in the most horrible but amazing situations surrenduring what could be the rest of your life or just a fragment of it. I love him. I can't stand him. He is the man i want to marry. He makes me doubt myself. I am a strong independant woman who with or without him will live life happy. But...what the hell? I don't get him. I don't get our relationship. If its not meant to be then why the hell am i with him? What is this goddamn lesson im about to learn? Or am i just in his life to show him there is such thing as a nice honest true love? Am i just the fucking prop for the moral of the story? I cry a lot. Not good. I cried a lot with past relationships. It's not easy to be happy in love. It may look easy from afar but it sure as hell is the hardest thing. I sometimes wish i was single just to cut the bull shit a relationship has to deal with. I sometimes think, "i could have 3 or 4 doors of options open if i wasn't dating him." or how about..i dont have to fucking move to kansas. I don't know what i want. Thats the truth. I would absolutely love to have him as my husband someday and have kids and grow old. But right now? I just don't want that kind of pressure. He sometimes looks at me and i feel like he is judging everything about me. I don't feel like im what he wants at all.
I think he loves what i could be. not what i am today. he just yearns for a true love that wont go sour. but you cant force two puzzle pieces together. they wont fit. maybe im just complaining for attention. he will never read this so maybe not. i just wish he could give me what i need and want and vice versa. i cant if he wont listen.
what happened today was just humiliating for me. i wont go into detail because its about our intimate life. he just stopped out of nowhere and looked at me. like i did something wrong. like he was bored. like he wasnt enjoying me or wanting anything physical from me. i dont think he realizes how self conscious women are. and how ugly i feel. i feel like i did something wrong. like i never do anything right. like im a waste of a girlfriend in bed.