(no subject)
I never want to be in the position where I have "stuff" between me and someone else. By stuff, I mean objects that accumulate between a couple: letters, gifts, little mementos and reminders of the other person. Maybe I'm just bad at sharing. Maybe I have had a string of very bad and very disappointing relationships. Maybe I fear monogamy, but watching my roommate make a pile of stuff for her ex-boyfriend of five years to come pick up, I felt nervous. The stuff in this pile looked like meaningless little objects: a blanket, a t-shirt, a photograph, but between a couple, things like this are so important. As of right now, I am making some life changes. I'm quitting smoking. It has been a few days, and I am doing well. Cold turkey, what does that even mean? I am prepping myself for a life of solitude because that is what Rene Crevel told me to do in his Surrealist novel "My Body and I". I think I'm okay with this. I like the idea of everyone else in the world besides me having that special someone. I've always liked trying to be different from everyone else. And the last life change? Making sure I do all that I can to meet Mandy Moore before I die? That's unimportant. I just don't want stuff. I don't want junk. I don't want my relationship with someone else to become a pile of shit on the floor. I want to believe that relationships are so much more than this, but as of right now, I don't. I don't believe in any of it.