RP LOG with cantbuy_me | Sisterly advice
Renee couldn't believe how restless and uncomfortable she had felt without having James in her sight. This was the first time she had left him with anyone who wasn't family, and the only thing that was stopping her from completely freaking out was the fact that it was Braden. She didn't know why, and couldn't explain it, but there was just something about that guy. He was such a sweetheart, and didn't bat an eyelid when James was sick. He didn't bat an eyelid when she showed up at his hotel room room at six in the morning begging him to babysit her son. He had been all sleep-ruffled and adorable, too, his blond hair sticking up in all directions with pillow creases up the side of his face and in nothing but a pair of tartan boxer briefs...
She shook herself slightly, wondering where the hell these totally wrong thoughts were coming from. Post-birth hormones, probably. She was breast-feeding, so she must be mental. She also hadn't had sex since James was conceived, so her mind was just playing tricks on her. She was in a complete daze when Ethan soon approached her and told her Sophie wanted to see her. Renee reacted and went without question. Ethan looked terrible. Worse than she had ever seen him before. She was worried if she protested, he might cry. Not that she wanted to protest, she was just nervous, like she would say the wrong thing or shouldn't be there just because she had a baby of her own. She knocked softly on the door of Sophie's hospital room, biting on the corner of her lower lip. "Hey there," she greeted her quietly. "I just... Ethan said..." She pointed behind her shoulder.
Sophie's eyes had stayed shut longer than she'd anticipated and she opened slowly at the sound of her sister's voice. She gave Renee a tired smile before she found the remote to put her bed up in a sitting position. Sophie tucked the pink bib Ethan had bought down behind her pillow before she met Renee's gaze again. "Hey you. I just wanted to talk to you. I feel like shit, Nay. I didn't ever mean for you to keep James away. You could have brought him here. He's my nephew. He's your son. He's family."
Renee came in to sit down with a small frown. "It's okay. It's fine. He's in good hands," she assured her sister, clearing her throat softly. "I've heard things. I'm still a trained midwife, remember. I know some women can't handle the thought of being around children after a miscarriage, so... I mean, no one really knew how you would be. And we're not angry or anything, but did Ethan keep us away for a reason? It was hours after it happened that we got told."
"I told him I didn't know how I'd handle it, but I don't hate you. I don't hate James. I just don't want you thinking that I do," Sophie replied. "Ethan just wanted me to himself for a little while. He was... well, between his job, the family crises, and me being a horrible pregnant wife, he just wasn't sure when we would ever have time together. Just me and him. Just husband and wife. It's not any of you. Really. It's all me. I was just... awful. Foul. A total bitch, and I made him hate me so much that he wanted to stay back at work just to avoid me." Sophie choked up with tears as she felt another wave build up, and then break.
Renee took Sophie's hand and gave it a squeeze. "He doesn't hate you. It's not fair for you to say harsh things like that, either. He loves you. That's what all this is based on, and nothing more. This could really put a strain on your marriage, so you both have to work hard to stop that happening. Thinking he hated you isn't going to get things going anywhere. I don't know what to say to help you with any of that side of things. I'm hardly a pin-up for relationships. I'm a single mother, I'm on my own. My family are the only ones who want to be in the same room with me. You have the world, Soph. I know it doesn't feel like it, but he loves you so much. More than you probably even realise. He... he was in a really bad way earlier. He was so worried about you."
Sophie just nodded as she listened, and gripped her sister's hand tightly. As much as she knew Ethan loved her, she still couldn't believe that she'd pushed him away that much - that she'd driven him away. "He shouldn't have to feel like he can't come home," she said helplessly. "That's the part I just can't get over. I never wanted to think he couldn't just be with me in our home, that pregnancy was going to split us apart. I know he was scared of it all at first, and no matter what he thinks, I was too. I just... I can't believe I did that to him. We talked about it, and I think it's better now, but I just wish he'd said something earlier. He thinks this is his fault for not wanting the baby when he first found out. And you're not going to be alone forever, Nay. You're amazing. There's some guy out there for you. You're also lying through your teeth. What this about Braden Evans, huh? He seems to be able to stand you."
"No," Renee agreed quietly. "But at the same time, all of this are things he has never been touched by before. He's never been married before, never been connected to much family, never been touched by something like babies, kids and infants. Definitely not pregnancy. He had to find some way to cope with it all, and what does he do best? He works. It was his way of trying to deal with things, by just throwing himself into work. Hell, Liam told me Ethan did the same thing when Tom was hurt, and worked himself into illness. It doesn't mean it was right, it just means it's the only way he knows. That's probably not something that will ever change with him, Soph. What would you have done if he had said something earlier? Cried and tried to apologise? But would that have really made anything better? I think the problem really was just that neither of you were really ready deep down, and because Ethan's life is so... intense and full on, it was a lot more impact than most people facing a surprise pregnancy." She sighed and looked at Sophie uncertainly. "I've had one conversation with Braden. The second was begging him to be my babysitter. I... don't know. I hardly know anything about him beyond the fact he is Stuart's brother, a paramedic, freakishly wonderful with babies, and looks fucking fantastic in underwear. As models do. I think he just felt sorry for me."
"I was already apologising too much, screaming too much, crying too much. I was a mess, Nay. It wasn't me, and I hate that I was so much not myself that he just didn't want to be around me. I know he throws himself into his work, but he shouldn't have to. He's been learning to just chill at home, to hang out with me, and stuff. It's only when things really go wrong that he reverts to hiding at the office. I don't know what I would have done, but maybe I could have got some medication, or something. Fixed my moods... What if I'm going to be like this the next time we try? If we even try again..." Sophie pulled out the bib again and showed it to Renee. "He bought this. It was a girl. In the end he wanted the baby, but it was me still freaking him out. He couldn't just enjoy it. And now the baby's gone." She glanced at Renee and smiled a little. "He's still someone outside the family, and those Evans genes really are something special."
Renee nodded. "Yeah, that's what Liam said. That Ethan's different at home to what he is at work. I haven't been around long enough to see much of it. He always looks immaculate to me, except for this morning. This morning he looked really terrible. I was worried about him. I didn't think you would appreciate if we didn't take care of him for you, but then... he wouldn't come near us. He seemed to let Tom near, but he's avoiding the rest of us. It's just hormones, Soph. You shouldn't take unnecessary medication when you're pregnant. The thing is, if the baby wasn't... okay, healthy isn't the right word, because the baby was healthy, but the pregnancy wasn't. There was an abnormality there. Your body might have just reacted worse than it normally would have. It wasn't a natural progression, and there was the fear there that is wasn't the right time, too. Plus everything going on with Liam. No one has been themselves. At all. Hell, you should have seen what a wanker I was to Liam at the birth when he was just trying to help me. This was before I even knew I was in labor. It just fucks with your head. Some people get lucky and it's amazing, others just really have a shit time with it. But I don't know that it could be all pregnancy to blame it on. It was still a fucked up situation. This whole year has been fucked." She took the bib and ran her fingers along the soft lace with a smile. "She would have been best buddies with James. I bet we would have had our hands full, yeah? It's those Morgan genes. He's... I don't know him, Soph. At all. He was just someone who I felt like I could trust. He was amazing with James. And he was so sweet. Gorgeous smile."
Sophie watched her sister with the bib before her big sister mojo kicked in just a little despite it all. "So get to know him. Friendships start somewhere, don't they? And if it becomes more, then hey, it's more. He is single now apparently. That's promising. Sounds like you could both just use a little friendship." She nodded slowly. "Yeah, I bet they would have. It would have been amazing to see them as best buddies, to see the trouble they'd get into. They'd drive us crazy, but as if we could ever stay mad at them, huh? I wanted her to look like Ethan. To have his dark hair, and amazing eyes. She would have been unstoppable. He's been avoiding you because I don't think he knows what to say. I'm pretty sure he's thinking that you'd all blame him for what happened. As amazing as he's been with all of you, with understanding that I have a big family, he's still unsure of it. Of trying to get close to you guys."
"More? Come on. He nearly ruined a wedding over some break up apparently. I'm nay being anyone's fucking rebound. I deserve better than that," Renee said, frowning when she thought of just being someone's sloppy seconds. She would rather be single for the rest of her life than that. She nodded. "Well, I can understand that. We come on strong, and from what I hear of it, Dec, Zac, Neil and Liam all gave Ethan a hard time when he was trying to court you. Which maybe you don't know about and I just dumped them in it, but seriously, they had him jumping through hoops, and he leapt through every single one without fail. But he still has a different outlook on life to all of us. Of course he does. He's looking at it through billionaire glasses. He has set high ideals for himself and when they don't quite go right, he knocks himself down and punishes himself for failing. This probably feels like a failure. And you know him, you're married to him. Failure doesn't come easy. He just needs help understanding that sometimes, horrible things like this just happen. Babies die, little brothers get hurt, and best friends' lives are put in danger. It's not a failure, it's just a fucking terrible turn of events."
Sophie's eyebrows shot up and she bit back a groan when she sat forward too quickly. "They made him jump through hoops?! What kind of hoops? Oh my god, no wonder he pisses his jocks when he sees my brothers, or thinks about my brothers being near us. Not to mention he's probably only seen Neil when they were making him jump through those hoops. I just don't know how to make him understand that he's anything but a failure. He's so amazing. He's been having nightmares about being a terrible father as well. That his child wouldn't even know what he looked like, or he wouldn't know what they looked like. He's worried about how he's going to find balance for family and work. I think this really is the wrong time, but I just wanted a family so badly with Ethan." Sophie reached out for Renee's hand again and gave it a squeeze. "Of course you deserve better than that. Just blame it on me being exhausted. I'd blame it on drugs, but I don't think I'm on any."
Renee shrugged slightly. "Maybe you just can't. We all have crosses to bear, and faults. Maybe this is just Ethan's that you can't fix, but just have to deal with. He comes across as so strong and powerful, but deep down, he's really not. In that business world he is, for sure. He has them wrapped around his pinkie finger. But he seems to lose his footing in his personal life where he is just a normal bloke, just like the rest of us. He has worries and he has fears and he's not always perfect. Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like he has been feeling like this whole marriage, and family, and being a parent thing is something that he has to be the patriarch of, just like he runs his company. That he has to get it right, and make sure everyone is okay for the formula to run smoothly. But yeah, it's just not the right time. Trust me, I know how how extremely bloody hard life is when you do something you aren't ready for. There is not a minute that goes by without stress or worry on some level, and it's exhausting."
Sophie looked away briefly as she rubbed her forehead. "He can't really be the patriarch until we have kids, can he? All I want is for him to just be able to be himself when he is home. I think that's only fair if that's all he asks for with everything he's done for me. I asked him if he'd take time off when we get back home. We're thinking that now might be the time for the trip to France. Take Euan, Gee, and Ciaran, but it's still something for us to just reconnect. Are you okay, Nay?" Sophie finally asked. "With James, with being back here?"
"You were going to have a baby. It was just a position he reflexively slotted himself into and he lost his balance because he wasn't ready. No one is to blame here. If the baby had come along, you would have just dealt with it. Things would have stopped being perfect, I can guarantee you that wholeheartedly, but you would have just rolled with it and found a new way to cope with everything." Renee drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly as she shook her head. "Not completely, no. Being back here, of course I am. It's my home. Japan was always just like an extended holiday. But my situation and life how it turned? No. It's fucking hard being a single mother. Some days I don't get any sleep. I still have to survive, still have to do the shopping, and housework, and all of life's little things on my own, but I also have this tiny person who needs me for everything, and it's hard, Soph. It's not a fairytale ending at all. Babies are really hard."
"You're not totally alone though, Nay. You have to know that. If you ever just want some time to yourself then any one of us would step in with James. I think in Liam you definitely have a devoted uncle for life. He'd do anything for his little nephew. They've bonded in the most amazing way. And I know Ethan was freaked with the baby at first, but we'd take him too. You're not rubbing anything in, and I love James." Sophie tucked her hair behind her ears as she let out a sigh. "I didn't expect it all to be perfect, but I just didn't think it would make us nearly implode so easily."
Renee pointed. "I knew you were going to say that before the words were even out of your mouth, and thank you for the sentiment. But you all have your own lives, and are all dealing with a whole lot of things right now. I appreciate the help when it's there, but I am mostly on my own, Soph. It's just a fact of life. I still have to cope with being a mum and raising him on my own. It's just the way it is. Liam is amazing, but he doesn't have the strength or energy to be around a newborn for too long right now. You and Ethan both work, Neil's schedule is off the charts, Dec is busy with school and Zac is busy being with his work and being a player. Loz and Jess, both career girls. Can you see what I mean here? And why wouldn't it make you implode if it was just going to cause you problems all the time? From what I can gather, marriage works when you keep communicating and enjoying each other, a lot of that would be gone with a baby around. It would just be different. There is no staying the same after kids. Your body will be different, your mindset will be different, your time schedules would be different. Life is different."
"But can't it be good and still different?" Sophie asked in a small voice. "Why does it automatically have to just be the end of everything. Mum and Dad are still happy even after seven kids. How did they keep it working, keep it going? I just don't know what to think anymore. I wanted a family, but not at the cost of everything else. Not at the cost of losing my husband." Sophie shrugged when she just couldn't work it out in her head, or come up with any answers. "And yes, I see what you mean. All of us are far too absorbed in our careers to be ready for any of this."
"I asumme it is good if you're ready," Renee replied quietly and then just looked at Sophie for a long time without saying anything once her next comment came. "You know, I'm starting to wonder if it really was anything to do with the pregnancy making you a bitch," she added and then handed the bib back to Sophie, looking away. No sense trying to open her heart and explain if she was just going to hit a brick wall anyway.
Sophie frowned as she looked from the bib to her sister, and then her shoulders slumped. "Renee, please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It has to be good even when it's an accident. Euan's got Ciaran and as hard as things have been, he seems to really be embracing the fatherhood deal. Ciaran's an amazing young man."
"I didn't say it wasn't good! I said it was hard! Stop twisting what I'm saying!" Renee cried, starting to get upset now. "I'm only trying to help you here, but I'm starting to think I'm really, really not the right one for the job. It's got nothing to do with not embracing your own child, but that doesn't mean it's easy and it doesn't mean it's all hearts and roses. Would I have gone back and not fallen pregnant if I had a choice? Yes! I would have. If that makes me a horrible person who doesn't embrace her own baby, then so be it. But no matter how you meant it, I'm still raising my son all on my own, and yay, I have babysitters now and again when you aren't all busy. It's fantastic. I want you all in James life, but being alone is never something you have to worry about Sophie, because you have an amazing guy who worships the ground you walk on and I can't blame him in the slightest for not being ready for children when you have so much to enjoy with marriage first. Some people just aren't, and some people find the prospect really, really hard. It doesn't make them cripples. It also doesn't make those who embrace it and nail it any better than the rest of us!"
"Renee," Sophie said again quietly as she tried to pull her sister closer. "I'm sorry! Shit, I don't mean to make you think that you're a horrible person or anything like that. I think you're amazing. I really can only imagine what it's like for you to be doing it on your own, and I'm sorry none of us can be there all the time for you. That's what I meant when I said we were all too focused on our careers. We're all working, we all have different priorities. That doesn't mean we wouldn't be there when you needed us. Just like you're all here now for me. Nay, I'd be lost without you. You are the right person for this job."
Renee wet her lips. "You all still have your own lives, dealing with your own things, and I have my life, that just happens to be a baby boy who needs me like no one else in this world needs me. And that terrifies the life out of me most days, because I'm scared I'm going to do wrong by him, and I'm scared that I won't be able to give him everything he needs. But I think I'm doing okay with it, it's just a really, really lonely job and the last thing I want is anything to go wrong with it just to need you guys to rally around. That's not how it should work. It's fine. You just asked how I was, and that was my answer. I wasn't looking for a way to fix the situation, because I don't think it's broken. It's just... different, like I said. It's nothing how I expected my life to be, and James owns me now anyway. That's what it is when you're a parent. The time will come for you to be a mum, Soph, but isn't it enough for you right now to have an amazing husband who wants you and wants to give you the world? But the one thing he can't give you yet is the one thing that could break everything if you don't just stop and realise that you really don't need to start a family with him yet. It would have worked if you did, but enjoy him, because there are shitloads of girls out there just like me who would cut off both our legs for someone like Ethan. And the thing is, he thinks exactly the same thing about you."
Sophie nodded. "Of course it's enough. It's more than enough. I still don't even know how I got so bloody lucky with him, but I did. I also can't believe I thought he was such a wanker in the beginning. I never would have made him work so hard if I realised what Ethan was like. I wasn't expecting a family to be started so soon. It was an accident, but neither of us would have been able to go through with an abortion. Instead we get this... And it hurts. It hurts so badly, and it's hurting my husband and I just want to stop him from hurting." She looked at Renee before reaching for her water cup. "I don't think you'll do wrong by James, Nay. I know you're scared, but it's also scary just how much you suit having him in your arms, and being all mum-like."
"No, I'm just having lusty, impure thoughts about his babysitter because I haven't had sex in a year, but he's all stopping weddings and crying in his brother's arms, and being in a break up. I really wish I could find some sweet guy who wants to sweep me off my feet and bend over backwards to date me. Only, that's not going to happen anymore. I didn't even get hit on once at the wedding, didn't even have some cute Scotsman buy me a drink." Renee tucked her hair back off her face. "Of course it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt for awhile, Sophie. Anything like this does. Maybe you could talk to someone else who has a lost a baby or been in a similar situation. It might help to know you aren't alone. Ethan will bounce back. He just needs to put the brakes on and stop. That's probably where you step in to trip him up for a little while. Marriage is all about support, right?"
"Oh, sweetie," Sophie said as she gave her sister an amused look. "I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone that wouldn't be having those sorts of thoughts about Braden Evans. He does look awfully good in underwear. Even I've had unintentional lusty thoughts when flipping through a magazine. It's just as well Ethan's never around. And then I'll just look up and see my husband, and Braden's forgotten. How do you know it's not going to happen anymore? There's single mums around and I'm sure not all of them are lacking dates. Obviously the Scotsmen at the wedding were either gay, or married. I don't know anyone else. How do I even start to find someone who's been through this? That's why I said he should take some leave, but France was his idea. I just want him to eat, sleep and drink. He just refuses."
Renee rested her tongue between her lips. "I saw it in the flesh. He answered the door in just these tight little tartan boxers, and I think if I wasn't so upset, I would have had an immediate orgasm. And he's tanned! No Scotsmen are tanned, are they? He just took James without question, too. James did a whole really huge baby puke at the wedding, all over Braden's shirt when he was nursing him. Got him to stop crying and everything. I think my ovaries are just in lust. I don't know, but there must be people out there who have been touched by something like this. Someone to talk to about it." She nodded. "Ethan was really sick for about an hour there while you were in surgery. He probably isn't hungry at all."
Sophie pursed her lips in a silent whistle as she looked at her sister. "You really do have it bad. Maybe you should look up Jesse. I don't mean it in any kind of sloppy seconds way, but he always liked you and he'd be good for a tumble to clear your system. He'd never mind about James. No, no Scotsmen are tanned. Just like Neil shouldn't be tanned. Maybe it's fake? Did it look fake? Does he have a smell? Stuart's always said that Braden had a mojo with kids. It just sucks that he can't have any." Sophie frowned as she glanced at the door again like she thought she'd be able to see Ethan. "He just needs to stop. He needs to rest, but I know he won't. He means it when he says he'll wait until London."
"He's your ex! And I'm not going to be anybody's random lay. I don't want that. I'd rather go with nothing. No offense to Jesse, but no. You think I was going to stand there and smell him?! I think it's natural, it looks natural. It's not overdone. He- wait. What? What did you just say? He can't have any what? Kids?" Renee asked, looking at Sophie in disbelief. She gave a slight shake of her head. That couldn't be true. Wouldn't he have said something? Though, why would he? She was a stranger. "I hope you're going to fly and not drive."
Sophie held her hand up. "It was just a suggestion! I just don't want you going crazy with lusty ovaries because you haven't had sex. There's nothing wrong with some random sex if it helps you get on track with not so random sex. Even Loz had sex with Braden before she managed to get things working with Julien. Sometimes you can just smell the fake tan, that's all I was meaning. You didn't have to have your nose glued to him. I wonder where he got it then." Sophie gave a shake of her head as her eyes went wide and she realised what she'd said. She'd let slip Braden's secret before he'd even had the chance to tell Renee himself. "He can't have kids. He's not capable. His, ah... his sperm isn't mobile enough. I think."
"I don't want random sex. I have a baby to think about now. Random sex leaves you feeling like a shitty offcast, and I'm not interested," Renee said with a shake of her head and then went right back to looking at Sophie in disbelief. "He slept with Lauren?! What the fuck? Is there anyone in this group who hasn't slept with each other all over the place?" She wasn't jealous, just pissed off that her sister had apparently honed in on Braden's territory before moving onto something else. She shook her head, not sure what to make of any of this. "I thought he was dating someone else? None of this makes any sense. Now you're telling me he can't have kids and I don't even know what to think!"
Sophie looked suitably guilty for having let slip more secrets that Renee obviously wasn't going to be able to handle. She cleared her throat and slid down in the bed as she pulled the covers up. "He wasn't dating when they met. Lauren was at a shoot Braden was a part of, and they just got to talking. It's not some giant conspiracy. It was kind of like doing a favour for each other, and they've been friends ever since. And for the record, there's still plenty of this group who haven't slept with each other. Lauren didn't feel like a shitty offcast, and neither did Braden. It was a nice thing between friends. And a once off," Sophie emphasised with a Look before her sister really did get her knickers in a twist. "He hasn't been able to have kids for years, I'm pretty sure that's what ended the last serious relationship he had. Kenzie was pregnant when they hooked up, but neither of them knew it until after. Now they're broken up and I don't really know why."
Renee wasn't sure why this was all bothering her so much. She'd had one conversation with Braden. She couldn't have even called this morning a conversation. More like him sort of just nodding and grunting at her in agreement. But it was bothering her. A lot. She just didn't know what she was supposed to think. She was chewing on her thumbnail and tried to shrug it off. "It doesn't matter. He's just taking care of James for me. It's not like we're about to swap life stories for any reason. Just a family favour because Tom's Ethan's best mate, and Stuart is Braden's brother, and I'm sure there is some workable link there. It's none of my business who he has slept with and whether his ex was pregnant or why they broke up. And he's a paramedic, he's supposed to be good with kids."
Sophie watched her sister with a slight frown before she just nodded along. She wasn't sure she wanted to get into a fight with Renee over this. She didn't have the energy. But she also knew when a Morgan sister liked a boy. Denial was the first instinct when it came to any questions regarding it. "Sure, of course. Look, it's just crazy talk. I'm the bitch, remember? Don't listen to anything I say. I'm sure he's taking really good care of James."
Renee nodded. "Yeah, I... I should go and get Ethan for you. Wherever he is. I'll call Braden and make sure he hasn't changed his mind about being left with a baby, and um... you know, maybe Liam can come in and see you? He's been worried," she explained, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jacket.
Sophie pushed the covers back down as she nodded. "Let Liam come in. I'm okay now. I just needed to take it easy at first. It was just all so fresh. I love you, Nay. I love all of you. Look after yourself, and don't feel like you need to keep James away from me, okay? Please."
"Sure," Renee replied with a small smile as she stood. She gave Sophie's cheek a kiss. "I'll bring him by later for a visit when you've had some rest. You and Ethan just need to get on the same page. It will happen. You two are too tight for it not to. Besides, you could always slip him some cold pills in his water, and knock him out at your bedside for a little while," she added with a smirk. "I'll get Liam." She gave her sister a wave and left, really trying not to give into temptation to call Braden and ask him to bring James here just so she had an excuse to see him again for longer than a few seconds.
Word Count | 5,764
She shook herself slightly, wondering where the hell these totally wrong thoughts were coming from. Post-birth hormones, probably. She was breast-feeding, so she must be mental. She also hadn't had sex since James was conceived, so her mind was just playing tricks on her. She was in a complete daze when Ethan soon approached her and told her Sophie wanted to see her. Renee reacted and went without question. Ethan looked terrible. Worse than she had ever seen him before. She was worried if she protested, he might cry. Not that she wanted to protest, she was just nervous, like she would say the wrong thing or shouldn't be there just because she had a baby of her own. She knocked softly on the door of Sophie's hospital room, biting on the corner of her lower lip. "Hey there," she greeted her quietly. "I just... Ethan said..." She pointed behind her shoulder.
Sophie's eyes had stayed shut longer than she'd anticipated and she opened slowly at the sound of her sister's voice. She gave Renee a tired smile before she found the remote to put her bed up in a sitting position. Sophie tucked the pink bib Ethan had bought down behind her pillow before she met Renee's gaze again. "Hey you. I just wanted to talk to you. I feel like shit, Nay. I didn't ever mean for you to keep James away. You could have brought him here. He's my nephew. He's your son. He's family."
Renee came in to sit down with a small frown. "It's okay. It's fine. He's in good hands," she assured her sister, clearing her throat softly. "I've heard things. I'm still a trained midwife, remember. I know some women can't handle the thought of being around children after a miscarriage, so... I mean, no one really knew how you would be. And we're not angry or anything, but did Ethan keep us away for a reason? It was hours after it happened that we got told."
"I told him I didn't know how I'd handle it, but I don't hate you. I don't hate James. I just don't want you thinking that I do," Sophie replied. "Ethan just wanted me to himself for a little while. He was... well, between his job, the family crises, and me being a horrible pregnant wife, he just wasn't sure when we would ever have time together. Just me and him. Just husband and wife. It's not any of you. Really. It's all me. I was just... awful. Foul. A total bitch, and I made him hate me so much that he wanted to stay back at work just to avoid me." Sophie choked up with tears as she felt another wave build up, and then break.
Renee took Sophie's hand and gave it a squeeze. "He doesn't hate you. It's not fair for you to say harsh things like that, either. He loves you. That's what all this is based on, and nothing more. This could really put a strain on your marriage, so you both have to work hard to stop that happening. Thinking he hated you isn't going to get things going anywhere. I don't know what to say to help you with any of that side of things. I'm hardly a pin-up for relationships. I'm a single mother, I'm on my own. My family are the only ones who want to be in the same room with me. You have the world, Soph. I know it doesn't feel like it, but he loves you so much. More than you probably even realise. He... he was in a really bad way earlier. He was so worried about you."
Sophie just nodded as she listened, and gripped her sister's hand tightly. As much as she knew Ethan loved her, she still couldn't believe that she'd pushed him away that much - that she'd driven him away. "He shouldn't have to feel like he can't come home," she said helplessly. "That's the part I just can't get over. I never wanted to think he couldn't just be with me in our home, that pregnancy was going to split us apart. I know he was scared of it all at first, and no matter what he thinks, I was too. I just... I can't believe I did that to him. We talked about it, and I think it's better now, but I just wish he'd said something earlier. He thinks this is his fault for not wanting the baby when he first found out. And you're not going to be alone forever, Nay. You're amazing. There's some guy out there for you. You're also lying through your teeth. What this about Braden Evans, huh? He seems to be able to stand you."
"No," Renee agreed quietly. "But at the same time, all of this are things he has never been touched by before. He's never been married before, never been connected to much family, never been touched by something like babies, kids and infants. Definitely not pregnancy. He had to find some way to cope with it all, and what does he do best? He works. It was his way of trying to deal with things, by just throwing himself into work. Hell, Liam told me Ethan did the same thing when Tom was hurt, and worked himself into illness. It doesn't mean it was right, it just means it's the only way he knows. That's probably not something that will ever change with him, Soph. What would you have done if he had said something earlier? Cried and tried to apologise? But would that have really made anything better? I think the problem really was just that neither of you were really ready deep down, and because Ethan's life is so... intense and full on, it was a lot more impact than most people facing a surprise pregnancy." She sighed and looked at Sophie uncertainly. "I've had one conversation with Braden. The second was begging him to be my babysitter. I... don't know. I hardly know anything about him beyond the fact he is Stuart's brother, a paramedic, freakishly wonderful with babies, and looks fucking fantastic in underwear. As models do. I think he just felt sorry for me."
"I was already apologising too much, screaming too much, crying too much. I was a mess, Nay. It wasn't me, and I hate that I was so much not myself that he just didn't want to be around me. I know he throws himself into his work, but he shouldn't have to. He's been learning to just chill at home, to hang out with me, and stuff. It's only when things really go wrong that he reverts to hiding at the office. I don't know what I would have done, but maybe I could have got some medication, or something. Fixed my moods... What if I'm going to be like this the next time we try? If we even try again..." Sophie pulled out the bib again and showed it to Renee. "He bought this. It was a girl. In the end he wanted the baby, but it was me still freaking him out. He couldn't just enjoy it. And now the baby's gone." She glanced at Renee and smiled a little. "He's still someone outside the family, and those Evans genes really are something special."
Renee nodded. "Yeah, that's what Liam said. That Ethan's different at home to what he is at work. I haven't been around long enough to see much of it. He always looks immaculate to me, except for this morning. This morning he looked really terrible. I was worried about him. I didn't think you would appreciate if we didn't take care of him for you, but then... he wouldn't come near us. He seemed to let Tom near, but he's avoiding the rest of us. It's just hormones, Soph. You shouldn't take unnecessary medication when you're pregnant. The thing is, if the baby wasn't... okay, healthy isn't the right word, because the baby was healthy, but the pregnancy wasn't. There was an abnormality there. Your body might have just reacted worse than it normally would have. It wasn't a natural progression, and there was the fear there that is wasn't the right time, too. Plus everything going on with Liam. No one has been themselves. At all. Hell, you should have seen what a wanker I was to Liam at the birth when he was just trying to help me. This was before I even knew I was in labor. It just fucks with your head. Some people get lucky and it's amazing, others just really have a shit time with it. But I don't know that it could be all pregnancy to blame it on. It was still a fucked up situation. This whole year has been fucked." She took the bib and ran her fingers along the soft lace with a smile. "She would have been best buddies with James. I bet we would have had our hands full, yeah? It's those Morgan genes. He's... I don't know him, Soph. At all. He was just someone who I felt like I could trust. He was amazing with James. And he was so sweet. Gorgeous smile."
Sophie watched her sister with the bib before her big sister mojo kicked in just a little despite it all. "So get to know him. Friendships start somewhere, don't they? And if it becomes more, then hey, it's more. He is single now apparently. That's promising. Sounds like you could both just use a little friendship." She nodded slowly. "Yeah, I bet they would have. It would have been amazing to see them as best buddies, to see the trouble they'd get into. They'd drive us crazy, but as if we could ever stay mad at them, huh? I wanted her to look like Ethan. To have his dark hair, and amazing eyes. She would have been unstoppable. He's been avoiding you because I don't think he knows what to say. I'm pretty sure he's thinking that you'd all blame him for what happened. As amazing as he's been with all of you, with understanding that I have a big family, he's still unsure of it. Of trying to get close to you guys."
"More? Come on. He nearly ruined a wedding over some break up apparently. I'm nay being anyone's fucking rebound. I deserve better than that," Renee said, frowning when she thought of just being someone's sloppy seconds. She would rather be single for the rest of her life than that. She nodded. "Well, I can understand that. We come on strong, and from what I hear of it, Dec, Zac, Neil and Liam all gave Ethan a hard time when he was trying to court you. Which maybe you don't know about and I just dumped them in it, but seriously, they had him jumping through hoops, and he leapt through every single one without fail. But he still has a different outlook on life to all of us. Of course he does. He's looking at it through billionaire glasses. He has set high ideals for himself and when they don't quite go right, he knocks himself down and punishes himself for failing. This probably feels like a failure. And you know him, you're married to him. Failure doesn't come easy. He just needs help understanding that sometimes, horrible things like this just happen. Babies die, little brothers get hurt, and best friends' lives are put in danger. It's not a failure, it's just a fucking terrible turn of events."
Sophie's eyebrows shot up and she bit back a groan when she sat forward too quickly. "They made him jump through hoops?! What kind of hoops? Oh my god, no wonder he pisses his jocks when he sees my brothers, or thinks about my brothers being near us. Not to mention he's probably only seen Neil when they were making him jump through those hoops. I just don't know how to make him understand that he's anything but a failure. He's so amazing. He's been having nightmares about being a terrible father as well. That his child wouldn't even know what he looked like, or he wouldn't know what they looked like. He's worried about how he's going to find balance for family and work. I think this really is the wrong time, but I just wanted a family so badly with Ethan." Sophie reached out for Renee's hand again and gave it a squeeze. "Of course you deserve better than that. Just blame it on me being exhausted. I'd blame it on drugs, but I don't think I'm on any."
Renee shrugged slightly. "Maybe you just can't. We all have crosses to bear, and faults. Maybe this is just Ethan's that you can't fix, but just have to deal with. He comes across as so strong and powerful, but deep down, he's really not. In that business world he is, for sure. He has them wrapped around his pinkie finger. But he seems to lose his footing in his personal life where he is just a normal bloke, just like the rest of us. He has worries and he has fears and he's not always perfect. Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like he has been feeling like this whole marriage, and family, and being a parent thing is something that he has to be the patriarch of, just like he runs his company. That he has to get it right, and make sure everyone is okay for the formula to run smoothly. But yeah, it's just not the right time. Trust me, I know how how extremely bloody hard life is when you do something you aren't ready for. There is not a minute that goes by without stress or worry on some level, and it's exhausting."
Sophie looked away briefly as she rubbed her forehead. "He can't really be the patriarch until we have kids, can he? All I want is for him to just be able to be himself when he is home. I think that's only fair if that's all he asks for with everything he's done for me. I asked him if he'd take time off when we get back home. We're thinking that now might be the time for the trip to France. Take Euan, Gee, and Ciaran, but it's still something for us to just reconnect. Are you okay, Nay?" Sophie finally asked. "With James, with being back here?"
"You were going to have a baby. It was just a position he reflexively slotted himself into and he lost his balance because he wasn't ready. No one is to blame here. If the baby had come along, you would have just dealt with it. Things would have stopped being perfect, I can guarantee you that wholeheartedly, but you would have just rolled with it and found a new way to cope with everything." Renee drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly as she shook her head. "Not completely, no. Being back here, of course I am. It's my home. Japan was always just like an extended holiday. But my situation and life how it turned? No. It's fucking hard being a single mother. Some days I don't get any sleep. I still have to survive, still have to do the shopping, and housework, and all of life's little things on my own, but I also have this tiny person who needs me for everything, and it's hard, Soph. It's not a fairytale ending at all. Babies are really hard."
"You're not totally alone though, Nay. You have to know that. If you ever just want some time to yourself then any one of us would step in with James. I think in Liam you definitely have a devoted uncle for life. He'd do anything for his little nephew. They've bonded in the most amazing way. And I know Ethan was freaked with the baby at first, but we'd take him too. You're not rubbing anything in, and I love James." Sophie tucked her hair behind her ears as she let out a sigh. "I didn't expect it all to be perfect, but I just didn't think it would make us nearly implode so easily."
Renee pointed. "I knew you were going to say that before the words were even out of your mouth, and thank you for the sentiment. But you all have your own lives, and are all dealing with a whole lot of things right now. I appreciate the help when it's there, but I am mostly on my own, Soph. It's just a fact of life. I still have to cope with being a mum and raising him on my own. It's just the way it is. Liam is amazing, but he doesn't have the strength or energy to be around a newborn for too long right now. You and Ethan both work, Neil's schedule is off the charts, Dec is busy with school and Zac is busy being with his work and being a player. Loz and Jess, both career girls. Can you see what I mean here? And why wouldn't it make you implode if it was just going to cause you problems all the time? From what I can gather, marriage works when you keep communicating and enjoying each other, a lot of that would be gone with a baby around. It would just be different. There is no staying the same after kids. Your body will be different, your mindset will be different, your time schedules would be different. Life is different."
"But can't it be good and still different?" Sophie asked in a small voice. "Why does it automatically have to just be the end of everything. Mum and Dad are still happy even after seven kids. How did they keep it working, keep it going? I just don't know what to think anymore. I wanted a family, but not at the cost of everything else. Not at the cost of losing my husband." Sophie shrugged when she just couldn't work it out in her head, or come up with any answers. "And yes, I see what you mean. All of us are far too absorbed in our careers to be ready for any of this."
"I asumme it is good if you're ready," Renee replied quietly and then just looked at Sophie for a long time without saying anything once her next comment came. "You know, I'm starting to wonder if it really was anything to do with the pregnancy making you a bitch," she added and then handed the bib back to Sophie, looking away. No sense trying to open her heart and explain if she was just going to hit a brick wall anyway.
Sophie frowned as she looked from the bib to her sister, and then her shoulders slumped. "Renee, please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It has to be good even when it's an accident. Euan's got Ciaran and as hard as things have been, he seems to really be embracing the fatherhood deal. Ciaran's an amazing young man."
"I didn't say it wasn't good! I said it was hard! Stop twisting what I'm saying!" Renee cried, starting to get upset now. "I'm only trying to help you here, but I'm starting to think I'm really, really not the right one for the job. It's got nothing to do with not embracing your own child, but that doesn't mean it's easy and it doesn't mean it's all hearts and roses. Would I have gone back and not fallen pregnant if I had a choice? Yes! I would have. If that makes me a horrible person who doesn't embrace her own baby, then so be it. But no matter how you meant it, I'm still raising my son all on my own, and yay, I have babysitters now and again when you aren't all busy. It's fantastic. I want you all in James life, but being alone is never something you have to worry about Sophie, because you have an amazing guy who worships the ground you walk on and I can't blame him in the slightest for not being ready for children when you have so much to enjoy with marriage first. Some people just aren't, and some people find the prospect really, really hard. It doesn't make them cripples. It also doesn't make those who embrace it and nail it any better than the rest of us!"
"Renee," Sophie said again quietly as she tried to pull her sister closer. "I'm sorry! Shit, I don't mean to make you think that you're a horrible person or anything like that. I think you're amazing. I really can only imagine what it's like for you to be doing it on your own, and I'm sorry none of us can be there all the time for you. That's what I meant when I said we were all too focused on our careers. We're all working, we all have different priorities. That doesn't mean we wouldn't be there when you needed us. Just like you're all here now for me. Nay, I'd be lost without you. You are the right person for this job."
Renee wet her lips. "You all still have your own lives, dealing with your own things, and I have my life, that just happens to be a baby boy who needs me like no one else in this world needs me. And that terrifies the life out of me most days, because I'm scared I'm going to do wrong by him, and I'm scared that I won't be able to give him everything he needs. But I think I'm doing okay with it, it's just a really, really lonely job and the last thing I want is anything to go wrong with it just to need you guys to rally around. That's not how it should work. It's fine. You just asked how I was, and that was my answer. I wasn't looking for a way to fix the situation, because I don't think it's broken. It's just... different, like I said. It's nothing how I expected my life to be, and James owns me now anyway. That's what it is when you're a parent. The time will come for you to be a mum, Soph, but isn't it enough for you right now to have an amazing husband who wants you and wants to give you the world? But the one thing he can't give you yet is the one thing that could break everything if you don't just stop and realise that you really don't need to start a family with him yet. It would have worked if you did, but enjoy him, because there are shitloads of girls out there just like me who would cut off both our legs for someone like Ethan. And the thing is, he thinks exactly the same thing about you."
Sophie nodded. "Of course it's enough. It's more than enough. I still don't even know how I got so bloody lucky with him, but I did. I also can't believe I thought he was such a wanker in the beginning. I never would have made him work so hard if I realised what Ethan was like. I wasn't expecting a family to be started so soon. It was an accident, but neither of us would have been able to go through with an abortion. Instead we get this... And it hurts. It hurts so badly, and it's hurting my husband and I just want to stop him from hurting." She looked at Renee before reaching for her water cup. "I don't think you'll do wrong by James, Nay. I know you're scared, but it's also scary just how much you suit having him in your arms, and being all mum-like."
"No, I'm just having lusty, impure thoughts about his babysitter because I haven't had sex in a year, but he's all stopping weddings and crying in his brother's arms, and being in a break up. I really wish I could find some sweet guy who wants to sweep me off my feet and bend over backwards to date me. Only, that's not going to happen anymore. I didn't even get hit on once at the wedding, didn't even have some cute Scotsman buy me a drink." Renee tucked her hair back off her face. "Of course it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt for awhile, Sophie. Anything like this does. Maybe you could talk to someone else who has a lost a baby or been in a similar situation. It might help to know you aren't alone. Ethan will bounce back. He just needs to put the brakes on and stop. That's probably where you step in to trip him up for a little while. Marriage is all about support, right?"
"Oh, sweetie," Sophie said as she gave her sister an amused look. "I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone that wouldn't be having those sorts of thoughts about Braden Evans. He does look awfully good in underwear. Even I've had unintentional lusty thoughts when flipping through a magazine. It's just as well Ethan's never around. And then I'll just look up and see my husband, and Braden's forgotten. How do you know it's not going to happen anymore? There's single mums around and I'm sure not all of them are lacking dates. Obviously the Scotsmen at the wedding were either gay, or married. I don't know anyone else. How do I even start to find someone who's been through this? That's why I said he should take some leave, but France was his idea. I just want him to eat, sleep and drink. He just refuses."
Renee rested her tongue between her lips. "I saw it in the flesh. He answered the door in just these tight little tartan boxers, and I think if I wasn't so upset, I would have had an immediate orgasm. And he's tanned! No Scotsmen are tanned, are they? He just took James without question, too. James did a whole really huge baby puke at the wedding, all over Braden's shirt when he was nursing him. Got him to stop crying and everything. I think my ovaries are just in lust. I don't know, but there must be people out there who have been touched by something like this. Someone to talk to about it." She nodded. "Ethan was really sick for about an hour there while you were in surgery. He probably isn't hungry at all."
Sophie pursed her lips in a silent whistle as she looked at her sister. "You really do have it bad. Maybe you should look up Jesse. I don't mean it in any kind of sloppy seconds way, but he always liked you and he'd be good for a tumble to clear your system. He'd never mind about James. No, no Scotsmen are tanned. Just like Neil shouldn't be tanned. Maybe it's fake? Did it look fake? Does he have a smell? Stuart's always said that Braden had a mojo with kids. It just sucks that he can't have any." Sophie frowned as she glanced at the door again like she thought she'd be able to see Ethan. "He just needs to stop. He needs to rest, but I know he won't. He means it when he says he'll wait until London."
"He's your ex! And I'm not going to be anybody's random lay. I don't want that. I'd rather go with nothing. No offense to Jesse, but no. You think I was going to stand there and smell him?! I think it's natural, it looks natural. It's not overdone. He- wait. What? What did you just say? He can't have any what? Kids?" Renee asked, looking at Sophie in disbelief. She gave a slight shake of her head. That couldn't be true. Wouldn't he have said something? Though, why would he? She was a stranger. "I hope you're going to fly and not drive."
Sophie held her hand up. "It was just a suggestion! I just don't want you going crazy with lusty ovaries because you haven't had sex. There's nothing wrong with some random sex if it helps you get on track with not so random sex. Even Loz had sex with Braden before she managed to get things working with Julien. Sometimes you can just smell the fake tan, that's all I was meaning. You didn't have to have your nose glued to him. I wonder where he got it then." Sophie gave a shake of her head as her eyes went wide and she realised what she'd said. She'd let slip Braden's secret before he'd even had the chance to tell Renee himself. "He can't have kids. He's not capable. His, ah... his sperm isn't mobile enough. I think."
"I don't want random sex. I have a baby to think about now. Random sex leaves you feeling like a shitty offcast, and I'm not interested," Renee said with a shake of her head and then went right back to looking at Sophie in disbelief. "He slept with Lauren?! What the fuck? Is there anyone in this group who hasn't slept with each other all over the place?" She wasn't jealous, just pissed off that her sister had apparently honed in on Braden's territory before moving onto something else. She shook her head, not sure what to make of any of this. "I thought he was dating someone else? None of this makes any sense. Now you're telling me he can't have kids and I don't even know what to think!"
Sophie looked suitably guilty for having let slip more secrets that Renee obviously wasn't going to be able to handle. She cleared her throat and slid down in the bed as she pulled the covers up. "He wasn't dating when they met. Lauren was at a shoot Braden was a part of, and they just got to talking. It's not some giant conspiracy. It was kind of like doing a favour for each other, and they've been friends ever since. And for the record, there's still plenty of this group who haven't slept with each other. Lauren didn't feel like a shitty offcast, and neither did Braden. It was a nice thing between friends. And a once off," Sophie emphasised with a Look before her sister really did get her knickers in a twist. "He hasn't been able to have kids for years, I'm pretty sure that's what ended the last serious relationship he had. Kenzie was pregnant when they hooked up, but neither of them knew it until after. Now they're broken up and I don't really know why."
Renee wasn't sure why this was all bothering her so much. She'd had one conversation with Braden. She couldn't have even called this morning a conversation. More like him sort of just nodding and grunting at her in agreement. But it was bothering her. A lot. She just didn't know what she was supposed to think. She was chewing on her thumbnail and tried to shrug it off. "It doesn't matter. He's just taking care of James for me. It's not like we're about to swap life stories for any reason. Just a family favour because Tom's Ethan's best mate, and Stuart is Braden's brother, and I'm sure there is some workable link there. It's none of my business who he has slept with and whether his ex was pregnant or why they broke up. And he's a paramedic, he's supposed to be good with kids."
Sophie watched her sister with a slight frown before she just nodded along. She wasn't sure she wanted to get into a fight with Renee over this. She didn't have the energy. But she also knew when a Morgan sister liked a boy. Denial was the first instinct when it came to any questions regarding it. "Sure, of course. Look, it's just crazy talk. I'm the bitch, remember? Don't listen to anything I say. I'm sure he's taking really good care of James."
Renee nodded. "Yeah, I... I should go and get Ethan for you. Wherever he is. I'll call Braden and make sure he hasn't changed his mind about being left with a baby, and um... you know, maybe Liam can come in and see you? He's been worried," she explained, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jacket.
Sophie pushed the covers back down as she nodded. "Let Liam come in. I'm okay now. I just needed to take it easy at first. It was just all so fresh. I love you, Nay. I love all of you. Look after yourself, and don't feel like you need to keep James away from me, okay? Please."
"Sure," Renee replied with a small smile as she stood. She gave Sophie's cheek a kiss. "I'll bring him by later for a visit when you've had some rest. You and Ethan just need to get on the same page. It will happen. You two are too tight for it not to. Besides, you could always slip him some cold pills in his water, and knock him out at your bedside for a little while," she added with a smirk. "I'll get Liam." She gave her sister a wave and left, really trying not to give into temptation to call Braden and ask him to bring James here just so she had an excuse to see him again for longer than a few seconds.
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