RP LOG with cantbuy_me | Lines of communication

[richandlovingit]

Sophie had been out of Recovery for about an hour now, but she had been very groggy and sleepy. She had slept ever since, and although it was probably going to piss her family off to the max, he had told them all he wanted to be alone with her. Somewhere out beyond the walls were all the Morgan siblings along with Phillipe and his twin brother, Tom and Stuart. Stuart, apparently having no interest in playing the submissive wife part, had shown up to the hospital despite Tom telling him he would be fine on his own. Any other time, Ethan probably would have found that highly amusing, but right now, he wasn't sure he was ever going to find anything amusing again.

He was sitting beside Sophie's bed in her private room, holding her hand in both of his. His head was resting down on her fingers as he just sat there numbly. The initial shock was diluting now, giving way to just an achy flatness. He was exhausted and drained, but his body couldn't even fall asleep despite Tom suggest Ethan try and nap while Sophie slept the anaesthetic off. After the talk with Tom, Ethan had spent close to an hour in men's room throwing up on and off when everything started to catch up with him. Now he just found that sitting still was the best option. He really didn't want to be anywhere but waiting with Sophie anyway. He didn't want to talk to anyone else. He didn't want to pretend to be strong and in control of everything like he always did when things took bad turns. He was always in control so everyone else could fall apart. This time, he didn't have the strength.

Sophie scrunched up her face as she started to wake up. Truth was she didn't want to wake up. Everything seemed to hurt less when she was asleep. Everything was easier to ignore when she was asleep. She could feel a weight on her hand and she tried not to move. She did make a moaning sound though as she worked on opening her eyes again. She just seemed to find it hard, like her eyelids were heavier than usual. Eventually she got them open though, and managed to recognise the thick head of dark hair next to her. She smiled as she slowly reached out with her other hand and touched Ethan's hair softly. "Hi," she croaked out.

Ethan lifted his head when he heard her talk, blinking to try and ease the woozy spinning in his head. He hadn't eaten, he hadn't slept. It was just all catching up. "...hey," he greeted her hoarsely, giving her a tiny smile. "Are you okay? I... they said you wouldn't be in pain or anything. I mean, not physically." The frown set across his forehead felt like a permanent feature now. He still had on his wedding clothes, and he was in desperate need of a shave. But Sophie was the only one he cared about seeing right now. Everyone else could go fuck themselves.

Sophie touched her fingers to Ethan's brow as she tried to rub away the frown. Her bottom lip trembled like she was about to start crying again, but she managed to keep the tears back. She gave a small nod. "I'm okay. As much as I can be. I feel... I'm just tired, I think. I wanted to keep my eyes shut, but when I realised it was you, I had to get them open. I know I haven't been me. I know I've been... mental. I've missed us, Ethan. I'm sorry. I never meant to make it so hard. Are you okay? Have you eaten? Have you even slept?"

Ethan gave a small, slow shake of his head. Tom had suggested he do both, but Ethan hadn't been able to face it. Getting anything into his mouth would be a disaster, but his body refused to let him shut down and switch off. He was functioning on autopilot, and it was a miracle rational words were still coming out of his mouth. "Tom just... um..." He wet his lips and pointed vaguely in the direction of the main hospital. He was trying to explain Tom said Ethan should talk to Sophie, but whatever seemed like a good idea at the time felt hazy now. "I-I spoke to the doctor. The surgeon."

"You need to eat," she told him gently, still wanting to take care of him despite everything. She glanced at the door where she caught a brief sight of Neil pacing back and forth. Her family were there. As much as she loved them, she really did just want to be left alone with Ethan. Her fingers dropped to his chin and she ran them over his stubble. "I'm glad he's here. He should be here. What did the surgeon say?"

"I can't. If I eat, I'll throw up again," Ethan told her, a helpless edge in his tone like he was almost begging her not to make him try. "They, um... he... she... there was two surgeons. One was a student, I think. I can't remember so clearly. But the female doctor said that there was no infection or disfigurement. It was just probably an abnormality in the, um, the way it was fertilised into the lining or something. Not so uncommon, they said. That she just... died. She. It was a baby girl," he told her, tearing up again.

Sophie bit her lip as she listened, and when Ethan got to the last part, the tears broke. She couldn't help it. "A girl?" she asked quietly. Sophie squeezed her eyes shut tightly as she tried to move closer to Ethan. Being in the bed, it was hard just trying to hug him, but it was all she wanted to do. "It was a girl... Oh my god, it was a girl. Now I can't stop picturing little pink booties, or a pink blanket. I know pink is stereotypical... So if there was nothing wrong, just an abnormality, does that mean we could try again if we wanted to?"

Ethan reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny pink baby bib with frilly pink lace around the edge of it. He held his palm out, offering it to Sophie sadly. "I... it was in the gift shop. It's handmade. Newborn size. I don't know why I bought it, but I just... felt like we should have something," he admitted in a small voice when a couple of tears dripped down his cheek. "They said there's no physical reason not to try. In a couple of months, things will be healed and back to normal. I just know if..." He shook his head, wetting his lips as he sat back in the seat. "All your family are here. Your parents are on their way. Renee's here, but she, um, she didn't bring James."

Sophie took the bib in her hands and stared down at it as she felt the tears roll down her cheeks. It was so tiny, and cute, and pink. It would have been perfect. She gave Ethan a watery smile and took his hand again so she could kiss his fingers. "I think we should have something to. She can't just be forgotten. You just know if what, sweetheart? I saw Neil... I don't know if I can see them all just yet. I'm still not really awake. Why didn't she bring James?"

"She didn't want to rub it in your face. She left him with Braden, apparently. I don't even know how that happened, but Stuart confirmed it. Seems a strange choice considering his own... yeah." Ethan wiped his face with his fingers. "I can't go through this again, Soph. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle trying again. All this, I... I don't want it again. I didn't like it. What's been happy about it? All that to lead to this?"

Sophie's eyebrows went up slightly as she thought about Renee and Braden, and she had to admit she wanted to find out what was behind it. "He's my nephew," she said quietly. "I know what I said before, but she wouldn't be rubbing my face in it. She's my sister. Braden's actually really good with kids. He's a natural. Which is cruel of course." Sophie kept a hold of the bib as she looked at Ethan and nodded. "I know. Trust me. I don't know If I can go through with it either."

Ethan watched her face, pressing his lips together when he wrapped his arms stiffly around his middle. "I didn't like what it did to us," he admitted in a hushed, choked whisper. He had promised Tom he would at least try to talk about it, but he still wanted to choke on the words, not to face it. He was ashamed for admitting it, but it was the truth. When they found out about the pregnancy, he had freaked out to the max, panicked, got angry. Then she was angry, and even before that, there was anger. This wasn't how he imagined marriage at all.

Sophie shook her head slowly. "Neither did I. It was never how I wanted it to go. At first I was happy about it, but I know it wasn't something you were ready for and I never meant to go off at you, but I thought it would be a good thing. I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. I became a monster. I hated myself, Ethan. I just didn't know how to stop."

With a shaky hand, Ethan wiped at the stray tears on his cheeks that just seemed to keep wanting to escape. He couldn't believe how deeply this had all hit him. "I have to tell you something," he admitted in a tiny voice as his eyes came to rest on the sweet pink baby bib. "I've been staying at work longer hours, longer than I needed to. There was just some days I couldn't face coming home feeling like a wanker, like I couldn't get anything right with you. I know I freaked out about the pregnancy thing, but when I started to get used to it, I thought it would be pretty cool. That we would get closer and could think about when it all happened, even if I was shitting myself. But it was just like, hands off, more often than not. I didn't even know how to talk to you about it, without you just... crying and say sorry all the time. I didn't know how to handle any of it, so I just steered clear, like a gutless arsehole."

Sophie just looked at Ethan for a long moment when she struggled to know what to say. She couldn't apologise, she couldn't even begin to verbalise how awful she felt knowing that she'd made her husband so adverse to coming home that he stayed away. She'd just assumed he had to work that late, and that she would just need to go along on her own. She did have to admit it was part of what was making her so snippy when he was around. She had been struggling to cope without him, and her anger had just been slipping out at the wrong times. She looked away, the tears coming thick and fast as she felt the utter despair that came with knowing she'd pushed Ethan so far away. "All I ever wanted was for you to be there with me," she finally choked out between the sobs.

"Then why did you marry me? Why me?!" Ethan cried helplessly. "I've been there with you through everything! Through all the crap your family went through, putting them up when they had nowhere else to go, making sure Liam had everything he needed to get through! I never had a problem being pushed aside for all of them until I could feel you slipping away! Then when you were pregnant, it was just... just... and you can't blame that all on me! I only started that when your moods were getting unbearable! I was there for you, just like I swore I could be, but there is only so many times someone can be glared at and edged away before they start taking the hint! I spend my life pulled in a hundred different directions every day! All I wanted was to be able to come home to my family and feel normal, not the arsehole I'm made out to be just for being successful! You know why I freaked out about the baby? Because all I could see was that whatever time we did manage just for us, would be gone! You share me with my work, and I share you with your whole family. When was it ever going to be time for us?"

"Because I fucking love you!" Sophie all but screamed in frustration. "I love you, Ethan. You're the best man I've ever known, ever been with. You're more amazing at the family than you ever seem to give yourself credit for, and it's that bottomless patience with me and my family that I appreciate above everything else. I don't know why I was such a bloody bitch when I was pregnant, but it wasn't me! It's not me. I just couldn't control it no matter how hard I tried, and then you just kept being held back at work, and that was getting to me. We didn't have time together because I was so sodding mental, and because you couldn't stand to be around me. Why did you marry me? You knew I had a big family, you knew there could be times that everything went wrong. I just thought we'd find time for each other because we wanted it bad enough, because we loved each other enough to make it work. We've just hit a rough patch. I never thought my little brother would be attacked, I never imagined Nay would come home with a baby. We would have found a way to get time together. It's not as if I don't have enough family to act as babysitters."

Ethan shook his head and more tears started to escape rapidly now. "I wasn't ready. I really wasn't ready. I was terrified. And I know everyone says they are when they're going to be new parents, but I could never find my footing. I'm barely in my early thirties and I've built everything I have from scratch. I kept having these bad dreams where our kids came home from school with drawings of our family with me missing from them, or kids thinking their dad was Batman because he was never around! Or picking our kids up from school and me not recognising which ones they were because I didn't know their faces! I look at your family and wonder how the fuck anyone can do it, and do it so amazingly. You all just always seem to have it going on, but I never had that, Soph. I never had brothers or sisters, I never had a ready-made support system. I had busy parents, and Tom. Everything you just naturally wanted, I didn't get that mojo, and I wasn't ready. And I was scared shitless I would be a bad father."

Sophie set down the bib as she twisted in her bed and rolled onto her side so she could reach out for Ethan and tug his arm away from his body so she could take his hand. "Ethan, I never wanted you to feel rushed. I never wanted this to happen so that you had to have nightmares about having a kid. About not knowing them. This wasn't part of my plan either. I knew we'd wait until you were ready. I didn't want you to just get thrown into the deep end with this. I know I've always wanted a family, but this was something that we should have done together, that we should have been building up together. You would never be a bad father. I know that in my heart, Ethan. You'll be an amazing father when the time really is right."

"I just barely even knew how to handle a thirteen year old. A sweetheart of a kid, mind, but I felt like I had put my underwear on backwards and started tucking my dick to the opposite side. I did want kids. I do... I always have. Just not like this. Seeing how we were during the pregnancy, we would have imploded. We would have ended up hating each other." Ethan brushed his fingers through his hair and then rested his palm on the top of his head to try and ease the ache taking residence there. "And I feel sick for admitting to that."

"I feel sick hearing it, knowing you're right. I can't believe we would have just ended... And now it feels like I'm saying that I'm glad the baby's dead, but I'm not. It was still our baby." Sophie wiped at her eyes and tried to take a deep breath. "I don't want us to implode. I don't want this to be the end. Please, Ethan. Can we fix it? I want to fix this. I want us to be us again."

Ethan looked at her tiredly and swallowed to wet his dry mouth. "I hope so," he murmured. "I really do. I guess we just have to roll with it and see how we feel when this all eases and we get back to London. Hopefully you don't keep feeling like you want to bite my head off, and I won't work the long hours unless I really need to. Nothing is really the same anymore. Everything has changed. I guess we need to find our feet again."

Sophie nodded. "I know it's asking a lot, but is there any way you could maybe take some time off? I think I'm going to ask work for some leave. I just want a chance to get my head together. Maybe you could just stay home for at least a couple of days. Hang out, stay in bed."

Ethan nodded slowly. "Yeah... of course. Maybe we could think about that trip to France. Ciaran's had a tough time too, it might be nice. And um..." He looked over her face sadly. "I didn't know whether you wanted to name her."

Sophie smiled a little as she wiped her fingers across her cheeks and nodded. "Okay, France would be really good. It might be nice to just get away before we try and find our feet in London again. It would give Euan and Gee their honeymoon, too. They deserve it." Sophie sucked in a breath. "Name her? Oh... well, should we? Do you want to?"

"I don't know. The doctors just said sometimes people do..." Ethan shrugged just a little. "I don't know what the right thing is to do here. I couldn't even spell my name right on the admission sheet. Neil had to fill it in for me to sign. Then Tom came and probably stopped me making an even bigger dick of myself in general," he added with a faint smirk.

"Now that is something I can't imagine," Sophie replied as she gave his hand a squeeze. "I don't know the right thing either. It feels right having the bib. If she has a name then... I just don't know. This seems so hard again all of a sudden. What if it's easier to just not name her?"

Ethan nodded. "Sure, okay," he agreed softly. "Right now, I don't have much decision making power left. I don't have much of anything left. I just want it over. I want to go home."

Sophie let out a slow breath before she reached out for some water sitting by her bed. "Did they say how long I'd have to be here?"

"Overnight, I think. You have to eat and use the bathroom before they'll even consider it. See, I did listen to the important bits. I made notes," Ethan admitted and pulled the scrunched up scraps of paper from his pocket covered in his scrawly messed handwriting. Normally he was so neat and elegant in his writing, but this was like a written trainsmash.

Sophie looked at the scrunched up notes before her gaze flicked back up to her husband's face. This was why she'd married him. "Then if I have to eat, you have to at least drink something. I don't want you winding up in hospital from malnourishment, or dehydration or something. One of us in here is enough."

"I've been drinking. Tom's been threatening me with an array of interesting punishments if I don't. I think someone suggested I go back to the hotel for some sleep, but I can't even remember who it was, and I think I swore at them. I can sleep when I get back to London," Ethan replied, rubbing his hands slowly over his face again.

"You're really going to wait twenty-four hours? Ethan, just ask for a bed to get brought in here. Get some sleep. Please, sweetheart," she urged quietly.

Ethan shook his head from where he was biting on his pinkie nail as he kept his head propped up on his hand. "No. I can't. I'll be around if you need me, but I can't sleep."

Sophie sighed before she hooked her fingers around Ethan's arm and started to rub them against his skin. "I'm always going to need you, Ethan."

Ethan nodded and wiped his fingers roughly over his face. "I might just go and let everyone know you're awake and okay. They've been waiting for news," he told her quietly.

Sophie nodded as she rubbed her hand over her face and then looked back at the door to see if she could get a glimpse of her family. "Thank you. I really wouldn't know what to do without you otherwise, you know. Maybe you could, um... Maybe you could ask Nay to come in?"

Ethan was standing by now, his hands shoved into his pockets to give him some balance now that he was back on his feet. He wondered if this was what a zombie felt like. He could feel himself shutting down. He didn't want to talk anymore, didn't want to make with the positives, didn't want to even think about what happened. He wanted to sit in a corner and be alone. "Sure, I'll ask her. I don't think she's too far away. I'll be back. Might just get some fresh air." He leant over and gave her a soft kiss.

"I love you, sweetheart," Sophie murmured as she touched his arm again briefly and then looked up at him. She was worried about him where his health was concerned, but she really was glad he had been here when she'd woken up. Just like she was glad he was there in general. She would have been lost without Ethan. He also gave her the courage to keep moving, to see her family. It wasn't going to do any good if she just tried to hide under the bed covers. Maybe she'd just do that between visitors. Sophie took the bib in hand again, and held onto it tightly as she let her eyes drift close.

Word Count | 3,910