(no subject)
Listen. Im gliding. I'm just kind of going on left over momentum. I think this might be the worst summer ever. Really, this whole college thing is killing me I think. I never really wanted to go. I really only went because I thought I should. I wanted to move, as fast as I could. But I came here and now I dont really have anywhere else to go.
I don't want to do what I should. I never really got to be irresponsible. I called my mom today, she doesn't know what I'm majoring in, or where I live for that matter. Never asked to visit, always complains when I don't call and makes a big deal that I sound enthusiastic when I say I love you before I hang up. She told me I could do better on my grades. She always does but she hasn't seen one of my report cards since elementary school. I don't know where my dad is. All my grand parents are dead. I'm a theoretical orphan. I wish I could say something like that with out sounding so theatric. I wish I weren't so self conscious that I had to point out the fact that I realize something like that is over dramatic.
I just kills me to be held back by my parents. Maybe I should have gotten a job strait out of high school. I mean, it would be consistent and thats really all I want. I just want things to be okay for an extended period of time. I've moved about every two years since I was born. I'm always terrified about money. I need new shoes so bad I can't explain it. I just want someone to call and check on me and see if I'm okay, do something about it if I'm not.
I'm working pretty close to full time this summer. Usually I just sit around and do nothing all summer, atrophy. I never liked it, my mom wouldn't let me go out. Its kind of stuck with me, I've got so much going on in my head now that theres almost no room for other people. I just kind of feel unsteady and out of touch with everything. I don't know how I feel about the library job. Sitting and doing nothing for hours is exactly what I want to avoid, but I keep telling myself that I'll have time to fill up my notebook. I've always wanted to but its always felt wrong. I think if I could just get started I might make something.
I wish I could just write in notebooks and let people read them rather than talk. I think its the daycare thats keeping alright, and its more than the money. I don't know how to explain how I feel when I'm playing with them.
really. I'm just tired of living in filth. and I'm tired of living in the shadow of my parents mistakes. I'm tired of talking to myself all the time. I'm tired of taking care of myself, I just want to act a little younger for a while. I don't know, I should probably just tell someone what I'm actually thinking for once. I'm just tired of playing who's got the bigger problems with my parents, because I just cant win that one. But fuck, I need something to fall back on sometime.
I don't want to do what I should. I never really got to be irresponsible. I called my mom today, she doesn't know what I'm majoring in, or where I live for that matter. Never asked to visit, always complains when I don't call and makes a big deal that I sound enthusiastic when I say I love you before I hang up. She told me I could do better on my grades. She always does but she hasn't seen one of my report cards since elementary school. I don't know where my dad is. All my grand parents are dead. I'm a theoretical orphan. I wish I could say something like that with out sounding so theatric. I wish I weren't so self conscious that I had to point out the fact that I realize something like that is over dramatic.
I just kills me to be held back by my parents. Maybe I should have gotten a job strait out of high school. I mean, it would be consistent and thats really all I want. I just want things to be okay for an extended period of time. I've moved about every two years since I was born. I'm always terrified about money. I need new shoes so bad I can't explain it. I just want someone to call and check on me and see if I'm okay, do something about it if I'm not.
I'm working pretty close to full time this summer. Usually I just sit around and do nothing all summer, atrophy. I never liked it, my mom wouldn't let me go out. Its kind of stuck with me, I've got so much going on in my head now that theres almost no room for other people. I just kind of feel unsteady and out of touch with everything. I don't know how I feel about the library job. Sitting and doing nothing for hours is exactly what I want to avoid, but I keep telling myself that I'll have time to fill up my notebook. I've always wanted to but its always felt wrong. I think if I could just get started I might make something.
I wish I could just write in notebooks and let people read them rather than talk. I think its the daycare thats keeping alright, and its more than the money. I don't know how to explain how I feel when I'm playing with them.
really. I'm just tired of living in filth. and I'm tired of living in the shadow of my parents mistakes. I'm tired of talking to myself all the time. I'm tired of taking care of myself, I just want to act a little younger for a while. I don't know, I should probably just tell someone what I'm actually thinking for once. I'm just tired of playing who's got the bigger problems with my parents, because I just cant win that one. But fuck, I need something to fall back on sometime.