Up Too Early
it shouldn't come as any surprise that I'm up way too early. With no prompting, I was up just after 3. No matter how sure I think I am, when something ends, it hits me like a tidal wave. And that's how it feels this morning. It feels like a tidal wave.
Against my better judgment, I gave him a call last night after I got back from my sister's. He sounded cold, which I know is a defense mechanism that he's putting up. I know that he is extremely hurt and shocked. There are so many features to this that remind me of Scott and how things went with him. As we discussed things, he mentioned his weight loss and it made me think about how incredibly thin Scott got as well and how emaciated he was when we broke up. This relationship took on a lot of the same characteristics, including Matt's physical shape as he left Columbiana. It made me feel bad. But it also made me say that I'm doing the right thing.
I think he held out hope that I would ask him to come back. He got really frustrated in the course of our discussion and he yelled, "it shouldn't be like this." I wavered at that point, wanting to tell him to come back so that we could work things out. But I know that is not the sensible thing to do. That was just emotion. That was me thinking that I don't want to be single again and even an unsatisfactory relationship is better than none at all. But I know better. The sleeplessness and shock will go away eventually, and a different day will dawn.
In the meantime, I will simply be gentle with myself and go about the regular routine. Everything will be okay. Eventually, everything works out. I did the right thing. I'm staying true to myself and that's always the right thing.
Until we meet again...
Against my better judgment, I gave him a call last night after I got back from my sister's. He sounded cold, which I know is a defense mechanism that he's putting up. I know that he is extremely hurt and shocked. There are so many features to this that remind me of Scott and how things went with him. As we discussed things, he mentioned his weight loss and it made me think about how incredibly thin Scott got as well and how emaciated he was when we broke up. This relationship took on a lot of the same characteristics, including Matt's physical shape as he left Columbiana. It made me feel bad. But it also made me say that I'm doing the right thing.
I think he held out hope that I would ask him to come back. He got really frustrated in the course of our discussion and he yelled, "it shouldn't be like this." I wavered at that point, wanting to tell him to come back so that we could work things out. But I know that is not the sensible thing to do. That was just emotion. That was me thinking that I don't want to be single again and even an unsatisfactory relationship is better than none at all. But I know better. The sleeplessness and shock will go away eventually, and a different day will dawn.
In the meantime, I will simply be gentle with myself and go about the regular routine. Everything will be okay. Eventually, everything works out. I did the right thing. I'm staying true to myself and that's always the right thing.
Until we meet again...