Fever Pitch
So, I'm thinking - or rather, contemplating - What Is Wrong With Me. I hate this time of year, things are so incredibly tense, busy, crushed together ... and there's nothing I can do about it. The past two days, I have been very aware of how tense I am. Almost as if I have wound myself up to a "fever pitch" in order to keep from being submerged by the torrent of THINGS TO ACCOMPLISH so near the end of the school year.
I woke up this morning with the very clear concept of What I Wanted. I want to be carried. I want to be picked up, carried downstairs, assisted in the morning "routine" (breakfast, clean clothes, dishes, preparing lunch, COFFEE, etc.) and then helped out to my truck (or preferably, NOT my truck!), driven to school, and then just ... assisted throughout the day. I don't mind doing all my duties, I don't mind accomplishing them, and I'm very aware of what I can delegate, and what has to get stuck with Melissa, Personally.
For some reason though, I can't do that. I can't even voice the thoughts. Heh. I'm actually surprised I was able to voice them INTERNALLY. (I guess that shows how much progress I've made. Maybe.) I'm so tired, and just overwhelmed. I want to be taken care of.
Somehow, the very desire seems wrong to me. The thought of voicing it makes me shiver. Somehow "It's Not Okay to Ask for Help" has been etched into the bedrock of my spirit. But ... I want someone to carry me right now. I'm too tired to make it on my own. I can still get "everything done," but the weight of myself is ...
I'm really curious as to why the things I want, or the desire to just collapse in somebody else's arms is so ... impossible for me. I've at least become aware of the desire, but the ability to do so escapes me.
For example, I desperately want to go home tonight, and have my Shani or Caleb hold out their arms, and say "Come here." and then just hold me and cuddle while I cry - if I can. But, not only will this not happen, if they DID so offer, I would be highly likely to ... refuse. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Ah well. Why do I have this concept of strength that never involves weakness? *sigh* Ah well. I guess ... I'll carry on. I'm desperately tired though. @_@
In other news, I was very encouraged by Exodus 14:13 - 14 today. I'm just overwhelmed by ... well, there's a lot. I'm totally wigging out about finances for one thing, and other things completely beyond my control. And I was just praying and praying that God would DO SOMETHING. I was reminded of the story of Moses & the Israelites (it took me 3 tries to get that I capitol. Tsk!) leaving Egypt. So I read it. "Moses answered the people, Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today ... The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Oh my goodness. That's what I'm talking about here too. HOW DO I BE STILL!? Why can't I just collapse into God's arms? (And, incidentally, shouldn't God's arms be enough?) *sigh* Ah well. I know people are praying for me today. I feel all right, even though circumstances have not changed. I have to go work on things now. Ta ta!
I woke up this morning with the very clear concept of What I Wanted. I want to be carried. I want to be picked up, carried downstairs, assisted in the morning "routine" (breakfast, clean clothes, dishes, preparing lunch, COFFEE, etc.) and then helped out to my truck (or preferably, NOT my truck!), driven to school, and then just ... assisted throughout the day. I don't mind doing all my duties, I don't mind accomplishing them, and I'm very aware of what I can delegate, and what has to get stuck with Melissa, Personally.
For some reason though, I can't do that. I can't even voice the thoughts. Heh. I'm actually surprised I was able to voice them INTERNALLY. (I guess that shows how much progress I've made. Maybe.) I'm so tired, and just overwhelmed. I want to be taken care of.
Somehow, the very desire seems wrong to me. The thought of voicing it makes me shiver. Somehow "It's Not Okay to Ask for Help" has been etched into the bedrock of my spirit. But ... I want someone to carry me right now. I'm too tired to make it on my own. I can still get "everything done," but the weight of myself is ...
I'm really curious as to why the things I want, or the desire to just collapse in somebody else's arms is so ... impossible for me. I've at least become aware of the desire, but the ability to do so escapes me.
For example, I desperately want to go home tonight, and have my Shani or Caleb hold out their arms, and say "Come here." and then just hold me and cuddle while I cry - if I can. But, not only will this not happen, if they DID so offer, I would be highly likely to ... refuse. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Ah well. Why do I have this concept of strength that never involves weakness? *sigh* Ah well. I guess ... I'll carry on. I'm desperately tired though. @_@
In other news, I was very encouraged by Exodus 14:13 - 14 today. I'm just overwhelmed by ... well, there's a lot. I'm totally wigging out about finances for one thing, and other things completely beyond my control. And I was just praying and praying that God would DO SOMETHING. I was reminded of the story of Moses & the Israelites (it took me 3 tries to get that I capitol. Tsk!) leaving Egypt. So I read it. "Moses answered the people, Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today ... The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Oh my goodness. That's what I'm talking about here too. HOW DO I BE STILL!? Why can't I just collapse into God's arms? (And, incidentally, shouldn't God's arms be enough?) *sigh* Ah well. I know people are praying for me today. I feel all right, even though circumstances have not changed. I have to go work on things now. Ta ta!