Hrmm, Muchness of things to do.
Since Shani will be back in about 3 hours, I should really EAT at some point. But there's no WAY to get everything done that I need to in that amount of time, and I feel pretty relaxed right now, SO! I shall relax away. ^_^
Shani and I are going to the BEACH today! Whoo hoo! It's been AGES. The beach is always like ... this sacred time of, "We're off, being friends, TOGETHER." So, just the phrase, "Let's go to the beach!" is special. <3 I'm really excited.
I skipped worship practice this morning. Why does it have to be SATURDAY morning? Then I ... have to get up early and accomplish stuff EVERY morning! Blegh. But I skipped today. Worked out on the wii fit. That was fun. ^_^ I forgot how much I love that thing. I'm glad I had a good experience this morning, because ... I really need to get back in the habit, and I'm quite reluctant too. :3 So, that was a good thing.
I need to practice guitar this morning. ^_^ Man, I just need more TIME ... Things are so hard right now, it's like AAACK! Everywhere. @_@
I had a good time yesterday tho'. Jordy and I went out on the town ... if you can call hanging out around COTTAGE GROVE "on the town." Lol. We went bowling, it was really fun. We sucked. 53 - 57 and 64-75. Majar. Suckage. But we had a blast. There was only US, and 3 - 4 lanes of old guys who KNEW what they were doing. But they were far away, so we could just be like, "... BWAHHA! NOTHER GUTTER BALL!" and it was cool.
The evening wasn't so hot. I'm really ... nervous around Caleb right now. I know he loves me, (shock!) I'm just not sure ... how to act around him, what's okay, what's not okay just ... nervous and edgy. What I really want is for him to just say "Hey! I love you!" and hug me until I feel secure. But I don't think that's going to happen any time soon. >_>;;
He was REALLY sweet yesterday. Pretty atentive and everything, but gah, I was just so on edge, and I really don't know why. It makes me feel awful. =_= Blarg.
And then, he was GOING to go to the beach with us, and we were gonna drop him off, and leave him to fish while we went around, but then he was all, "No, I would feel like I'm just trying to please you." And then he and Shani had a fight, (something about trying to run his life, or whatever. o___O How he got that out of an invitation to come along, I don't KNOW.) and I was all stressed out and ... yeah. I dunno. I DON'T KNOW.
There's a very large part of me that says, "Y'know what, just back totally off, and let him have his space, until he realizes he misses you and *wants* to spend time with you on his OWN initiative." But I don't know if that's the hurt part of me talking, or a smart part, or ... what. I don't know. I'm a little worried, because I know that there's a large part of me thats very, very reluctant to see him right now. Just ... afraid I'll get hurt. Not because he's going to HURT me, but just because ... well, I hurt. So, ... I dunno what to do. Eh. Hate that.
ANYWAY, that being said, I won't be seeing him today, I'll see him briefly in church tomorrow (but I hate that, because half of the time at church, he's crabby or in a bad mood, and ... I don't like seeing him at church, okay? It usually ends in misery.), I won't see him monday, and Tuesday night is fellowship group. I'm thinking of just going straight in to FG with SHani instead of taking micah (Caleb's brother) home and hanging out there for awhile.
But see, I don't know if not being around is going to make him think we're angry with him (I know I'm not ANGRY ...) or, make him feel like we're trying to manipulate his feelings (am I? by trying to wait until he's ready/wants to see us? I dunno.) or control his life ... or whatever. Sigh.
And it's frustrating, because he was like, "I need some space." And now he's not TAKING any. So ... I feel like I can't have my friend back until he's taken some space and feels better about things, even if he's physically present right now, so I'm like, "Dude, you said you were gonna take some space, please TAKE IT, so you can be okay, so we can do what *I* need to be okay, and then we can ALL be okay, and maybe move forward doing regular maintanence from there!!!"
But I don't tell him things like this, because I don't know how much is MY tangled up feelings, how much is ACCURATE, and he tends to get angry if he feels you're telling him to do stuff. (That whole controlling-my-life thing ...) So I'll just be priavetly miserable in the Caleb part of my heart until things calm down.
I'm pretty sure *I* am not going to be totally okay towards Caleb until I know that he actually MISSES me when I'm not there, and indicates in some way OTHER than words that he actually WANTS to spend time with me. But ... that's a me problem. Heh. So ... *shrug* Off I toddle.
I do love him. So much. Just as much as I love my Shani. *sigh* I guess ... Shani and I just have things figured out a heck of a lot better. >_> BUT WE'VE HAD TIME. And ... we both work on it. We're both ... um ... hrmm. Shani and I are both really determined people. Sometimes this means when we try to figure things out, we'll hurt each other a bit, but we're both moving TOWARD each other. Caleb is really, REALLY passive about stuff. So ... I really feel like he's NOT moving "toward" me ... I'm sure he feels he is (because he said that he feels like he's the only one trying last time we talked.) It just ... doesn't show up on my radar. And I don't know what to do about that. Whether to be like, "Oh, I just have to completely change my radar." Or "Caleb, I need you to do these things which is stuff I UNDERSTAND." Or a mixture of both. Probably a mixture of both. But I feel so insecure in the relationship right now, I'm too nervous to ask him anything. *shiver*
*whimper* Caleb, please don't leave me. I really want to get this figured out, and I know I make it really hard and frustrating to figure, but please, don't stop trying. Please. *hug*
*sigh* Okay. I gotta go do stuff. Like ... go to the bathroom, make food, practice guitar, get dressed and work on cleaning my room. ^_^ Too much stuff to get done before my shani gets home, but I can get SOME progress, ne?
Ta ta!
Shani and I are going to the BEACH today! Whoo hoo! It's been AGES. The beach is always like ... this sacred time of, "We're off, being friends, TOGETHER." So, just the phrase, "Let's go to the beach!" is special. <3 I'm really excited.
I skipped worship practice this morning. Why does it have to be SATURDAY morning? Then I ... have to get up early and accomplish stuff EVERY morning! Blegh. But I skipped today. Worked out on the wii fit. That was fun. ^_^ I forgot how much I love that thing. I'm glad I had a good experience this morning, because ... I really need to get back in the habit, and I'm quite reluctant too. :3 So, that was a good thing.
I need to practice guitar this morning. ^_^ Man, I just need more TIME ... Things are so hard right now, it's like AAACK! Everywhere. @_@
I had a good time yesterday tho'. Jordy and I went out on the town ... if you can call hanging out around COTTAGE GROVE "on the town." Lol. We went bowling, it was really fun. We sucked. 53 - 57 and 64-75. Majar. Suckage. But we had a blast. There was only US, and 3 - 4 lanes of old guys who KNEW what they were doing. But they were far away, so we could just be like, "... BWAHHA! NOTHER GUTTER BALL!" and it was cool.
The evening wasn't so hot. I'm really ... nervous around Caleb right now. I know he loves me, (shock!) I'm just not sure ... how to act around him, what's okay, what's not okay just ... nervous and edgy. What I really want is for him to just say "Hey! I love you!" and hug me until I feel secure. But I don't think that's going to happen any time soon. >_>;;
He was REALLY sweet yesterday. Pretty atentive and everything, but gah, I was just so on edge, and I really don't know why. It makes me feel awful. =_= Blarg.
And then, he was GOING to go to the beach with us, and we were gonna drop him off, and leave him to fish while we went around, but then he was all, "No, I would feel like I'm just trying to please you." And then he and Shani had a fight, (something about trying to run his life, or whatever. o___O How he got that out of an invitation to come along, I don't KNOW.) and I was all stressed out and ... yeah. I dunno. I DON'T KNOW.
There's a very large part of me that says, "Y'know what, just back totally off, and let him have his space, until he realizes he misses you and *wants* to spend time with you on his OWN initiative." But I don't know if that's the hurt part of me talking, or a smart part, or ... what. I don't know. I'm a little worried, because I know that there's a large part of me thats very, very reluctant to see him right now. Just ... afraid I'll get hurt. Not because he's going to HURT me, but just because ... well, I hurt. So, ... I dunno what to do. Eh. Hate that.
ANYWAY, that being said, I won't be seeing him today, I'll see him briefly in church tomorrow (but I hate that, because half of the time at church, he's crabby or in a bad mood, and ... I don't like seeing him at church, okay? It usually ends in misery.), I won't see him monday, and Tuesday night is fellowship group. I'm thinking of just going straight in to FG with SHani instead of taking micah (Caleb's brother) home and hanging out there for awhile.
But see, I don't know if not being around is going to make him think we're angry with him (I know I'm not ANGRY ...) or, make him feel like we're trying to manipulate his feelings (am I? by trying to wait until he's ready/wants to see us? I dunno.) or control his life ... or whatever. Sigh.
And it's frustrating, because he was like, "I need some space." And now he's not TAKING any. So ... I feel like I can't have my friend back until he's taken some space and feels better about things, even if he's physically present right now, so I'm like, "Dude, you said you were gonna take some space, please TAKE IT, so you can be okay, so we can do what *I* need to be okay, and then we can ALL be okay, and maybe move forward doing regular maintanence from there!!!"
But I don't tell him things like this, because I don't know how much is MY tangled up feelings, how much is ACCURATE, and he tends to get angry if he feels you're telling him to do stuff. (That whole controlling-my-life thing ...) So I'll just be priavetly miserable in the Caleb part of my heart until things calm down.
I'm pretty sure *I* am not going to be totally okay towards Caleb until I know that he actually MISSES me when I'm not there, and indicates in some way OTHER than words that he actually WANTS to spend time with me. But ... that's a me problem. Heh. So ... *shrug* Off I toddle.
I do love him. So much. Just as much as I love my Shani. *sigh* I guess ... Shani and I just have things figured out a heck of a lot better. >_> BUT WE'VE HAD TIME. And ... we both work on it. We're both ... um ... hrmm. Shani and I are both really determined people. Sometimes this means when we try to figure things out, we'll hurt each other a bit, but we're both moving TOWARD each other. Caleb is really, REALLY passive about stuff. So ... I really feel like he's NOT moving "toward" me ... I'm sure he feels he is (because he said that he feels like he's the only one trying last time we talked.) It just ... doesn't show up on my radar. And I don't know what to do about that. Whether to be like, "Oh, I just have to completely change my radar." Or "Caleb, I need you to do these things which is stuff I UNDERSTAND." Or a mixture of both. Probably a mixture of both. But I feel so insecure in the relationship right now, I'm too nervous to ask him anything. *shiver*
*whimper* Caleb, please don't leave me. I really want to get this figured out, and I know I make it really hard and frustrating to figure, but please, don't stop trying. Please. *hug*
*sigh* Okay. I gotta go do stuff. Like ... go to the bathroom, make food, practice guitar, get dressed and work on cleaning my room. ^_^ Too much stuff to get done before my shani gets home, but I can get SOME progress, ne?
Ta ta!