Creature Features
God bless the SyFy channel!
Volcanic eruptions in Los Angeles unleash a swarm of gigantic, lava-breathing tarantulas.
I HATE spiders but there was no way I was NOT going to see a film where massive fire breathing spiders chase most of the cast of Police Academy. Steve Guttenberg looked like a punch-drunk potato, the foxy blond one...well, the years haven't been kind, the squeeky one was somehow a sassy mama and do you think the one who did the funny noises did some funny noises? Damn right skippy! All of that talent plus a wild Leigh Whannel appears, still being as cute as a button. :)
The rest of the cast was made up of a woman and her plastic tits, some wooden 'teenagers', one of who I'm sure was in his mid 30s, a random selection of 'kooky' characters waiting to be incinerated and the the bloke from Sharknado in the films funniest scene. Well, it would have been funny if it wasn't in the trailer.
The CGI was legendary. You truely believe LA was in the middle of a volcanic eruption, and not just the editor hammering the 'Volcano' button on his computer several thousand times a minute. The massive giant spiders themselves were as scary as one of those bastard spiders that crash out from behind the telly during the autumn. Oh no, hang on, scratch that. The massive giant spiders were as scary as those money spiders you let run over your hand cos if they do that then you're gonna get loads of money or something.
The script was Pulitzer winning, despite the clever scientist bloke saying spiders were insects. I'm as thick as shit and even I know that spiders are aracnids. And bastards, all spiders are bastards.
It was never going to be as good as Sharknado (cos nothing is as good as Sharkndo. Praise be!) and it was more knowingly jokey but it was dumb enough to pass 90 minutes.
Jen rating: 4/10
When rednecks on a fishing trip kill a great white shark, its spirit comes back for revenge, and soon turns its sights on the town of Smallport. Teenage Ava, her younger sister Cicely and friend Blaise witness the start of the ghost shark's rampage but the authorities don't believe their story. With the help of a crotchety lighthouse keeper named Finch the teens discover that the spectral shark can hunt wherever there's water, and that the town's dark past may provide the clues they need to defeat it.
Sticking to the tried and tested formula of having a massive shark chasing big girls in small bikinis, but this time its different. This time its a ghost shark. Its a shark. Who is a ghost. Its a ghost shark! How cool is that??
After hearing the news her father has been slaughtered on a boat (by the ghost shark) and witnessing her top-heavy best friend being decapitated on a jet ski (by the ghost shark) yer woman mourns and grieves and breaks down in bitter tears of anger and vows to.....oh no, hang on, she watches the video of her fathers death over and over again before running off to a pool party, where everyone gets killed by a shark (whos a ghost).
Despite figuring out the shark (whos a ghost) moves around though any mass of water (a pool, a bath, a bucket of water and - in a very memorable scene - a water cooler) yer woman and her bland boyfriend vow to stay dry. So they immediately head straight for the local lighthouse in the middle of swamp. Mystical bollocks happen, people die, some dont, then it ends.
Again, not as good as Sharknado (praise be) but it was truely stupid in a dumb stupid dumb way.
Jen rating: 5/10
When an oil company unwittingly unleashes a prehistoric shark from its icy prison, the Jurassic killer maroons a group of thieves and beautiful young female college students on an abandoned piece of land. Unable to escape the fearsome beast, the two groups of strangers must put aside their differences and come together to fight off the extinct, ferocious monster whilst battling for their lives. What started out as some fun in the sun, ends up as a survival of the fittest as nature's cruelest creation has come back from extinction and he wants revenge!
At the moment this has the lowest imdb rating of 1.5. This means it is worse than all the rom coms (*spit*) ever made evers, lower than Human Centipede and all the other splattery nastyness evers, even lower than all of Adam Sandlers movies! But I like a challenge :)
Following a heart stopping pre-credits sequence of two beach bunnies stripping down to their bikinis and splashing in a lake it powers along at the rate of a glacier with a bad hip to a juddering climax of bad acting, bad CGI and bad everything else. Plus the threat promise of a sequel which we all need like a hole in the head.
I'd like to say it was crammed full of actors but it was basically crammed full of people, some of them were dreadful, most of them were appalling. I'm guessing they were rounded up from the pool of Canadian talent judging by the amount of 'aboots' flying aboot about.
The CGI shark (which we only saw a total of 3 times, the rest was padded out with stock shots from the Natural History channel) was cobbled together on a ZX Spectrum and the script made no sense at all (the baddies lose their bounty in the water on the east side of an island, they walk west for 5 hours to the other side, then they find their bounty. On the west side of the island. When they lost it on the east side. I must have slipped into a coma and missed a plot point. Or a plot)
Admittedly the camera work was in focus but they couldn't have locked the tripod off as it was wobbling all over the place and they needed an extra light as half of it was in darkness. And a microphone as well, that would have been handy as often I couldn't hear a bloody thing. Not that there was much to hear as the dialogue was delivered with as much emotion as the scenes you FFW in porn. It was so stilted I expected them all to strip off and just start rutting. They didn't though. Shame. That would have perked things up by at least 1000000000%
Not even bad enough to call good. It was just bad. BAD! But its on YT if you need to see it :)
Jen rating: 2/10
Volcanic eruptions in Los Angeles unleash a swarm of gigantic, lava-breathing tarantulas.
I HATE spiders but there was no way I was NOT going to see a film where massive fire breathing spiders chase most of the cast of Police Academy. Steve Guttenberg looked like a punch-drunk potato, the foxy blond one...well, the years haven't been kind, the squeeky one was somehow a sassy mama and do you think the one who did the funny noises did some funny noises? Damn right skippy! All of that talent plus a wild Leigh Whannel appears, still being as cute as a button. :)
The rest of the cast was made up of a woman and her plastic tits, some wooden 'teenagers', one of who I'm sure was in his mid 30s, a random selection of 'kooky' characters waiting to be incinerated and the the bloke from Sharknado in the films funniest scene. Well, it would have been funny if it wasn't in the trailer.
The CGI was legendary. You truely believe LA was in the middle of a volcanic eruption, and not just the editor hammering the 'Volcano' button on his computer several thousand times a minute. The massive giant spiders themselves were as scary as one of those bastard spiders that crash out from behind the telly during the autumn. Oh no, hang on, scratch that. The massive giant spiders were as scary as those money spiders you let run over your hand cos if they do that then you're gonna get loads of money or something.
The script was Pulitzer winning, despite the clever scientist bloke saying spiders were insects. I'm as thick as shit and even I know that spiders are aracnids. And bastards, all spiders are bastards.
It was never going to be as good as Sharknado (cos nothing is as good as Sharkndo. Praise be!) and it was more knowingly jokey but it was dumb enough to pass 90 minutes.
Jen rating: 4/10
When rednecks on a fishing trip kill a great white shark, its spirit comes back for revenge, and soon turns its sights on the town of Smallport. Teenage Ava, her younger sister Cicely and friend Blaise witness the start of the ghost shark's rampage but the authorities don't believe their story. With the help of a crotchety lighthouse keeper named Finch the teens discover that the spectral shark can hunt wherever there's water, and that the town's dark past may provide the clues they need to defeat it.
Sticking to the tried and tested formula of having a massive shark chasing big girls in small bikinis, but this time its different. This time its a ghost shark. Its a shark. Who is a ghost. Its a ghost shark! How cool is that??
After hearing the news her father has been slaughtered on a boat (by the ghost shark) and witnessing her top-heavy best friend being decapitated on a jet ski (by the ghost shark) yer woman mourns and grieves and breaks down in bitter tears of anger and vows to.....oh no, hang on, she watches the video of her fathers death over and over again before running off to a pool party, where everyone gets killed by a shark (whos a ghost).
Despite figuring out the shark (whos a ghost) moves around though any mass of water (a pool, a bath, a bucket of water and - in a very memorable scene - a water cooler) yer woman and her bland boyfriend vow to stay dry. So they immediately head straight for the local lighthouse in the middle of swamp. Mystical bollocks happen, people die, some dont, then it ends.
Again, not as good as Sharknado (praise be) but it was truely stupid in a dumb stupid dumb way.
Jen rating: 5/10
When an oil company unwittingly unleashes a prehistoric shark from its icy prison, the Jurassic killer maroons a group of thieves and beautiful young female college students on an abandoned piece of land. Unable to escape the fearsome beast, the two groups of strangers must put aside their differences and come together to fight off the extinct, ferocious monster whilst battling for their lives. What started out as some fun in the sun, ends up as a survival of the fittest as nature's cruelest creation has come back from extinction and he wants revenge!
At the moment this has the lowest imdb rating of 1.5. This means it is worse than all the rom coms (*spit*) ever made evers, lower than Human Centipede and all the other splattery nastyness evers, even lower than all of Adam Sandlers movies! But I like a challenge :)
Following a heart stopping pre-credits sequence of two beach bunnies stripping down to their bikinis and splashing in a lake it powers along at the rate of a glacier with a bad hip to a juddering climax of bad acting, bad CGI and bad everything else. Plus the threat promise of a sequel which we all need like a hole in the head.
I'd like to say it was crammed full of actors but it was basically crammed full of people, some of them were dreadful, most of them were appalling. I'm guessing they were rounded up from the pool of Canadian talent judging by the amount of 'aboots' flying aboot about.
The CGI shark (which we only saw a total of 3 times, the rest was padded out with stock shots from the Natural History channel) was cobbled together on a ZX Spectrum and the script made no sense at all (the baddies lose their bounty in the water on the east side of an island, they walk west for 5 hours to the other side, then they find their bounty. On the west side of the island. When they lost it on the east side. I must have slipped into a coma and missed a plot point. Or a plot)
Admittedly the camera work was in focus but they couldn't have locked the tripod off as it was wobbling all over the place and they needed an extra light as half of it was in darkness. And a microphone as well, that would have been handy as often I couldn't hear a bloody thing. Not that there was much to hear as the dialogue was delivered with as much emotion as the scenes you FFW in porn. It was so stilted I expected them all to strip off and just start rutting. They didn't though. Shame. That would have perked things up by at least 1000000000%
Not even bad enough to call good. It was just bad. BAD! But its on YT if you need to see it :)
Jen rating: 2/10