Blindsided
I've never written of our troubles that much, except for our first few weeks when I found that you had very outdated expectations when it came to boyfriend-girlfriend stuff, but now I turn to my trusty blog to vent out what I feel. I will not put this on private, because I felt that hiding what I've felt, what I've thought, what I've wished, was the greatest downfall of this relationship.
I'm not good, I've known that for a long time. I've been burned, wounded, scarred all my life and I doubted that I could ever find that someone who could just take me for what I am. Or so what I think I can be.
I've always wanted to be the girlfriend that every guy wanted, the one who wouldn't demand too much time, too much attention, too much love, too much caring. I tried. But I guess I'm still too much of a girl. I still had hormones. I still needed things. I think too much. I bitch. A lot.
And that was something that I wanted you to understand or get used to, if we were in something that would run for the whole of our lives. I am not always the good-natured girl you can drag along to anywhere you want to go to just because I'm your girlfriend. I always have a reason, no matter how petty it may seem, it still is a reason. I say the word no, because it exists, and the situation calls for it. I say it because I have to put my foot down somewhere before I get mistaken for the kind that just says yes all the time.
And yeah, you have some quirks that really do merit that kind of bitchiness. Because you just never seem to pay attention to details. To where you're headed, what you're going to do, and especially how it can affect me.
I just try to forget it, even if it irks me so much. I blow up when these small inanities happen, maybe because I've had enough. And I know you've had enough of my tantrums and my silences.
But for me, the other night's silence is valid. After all, in the three years that we've been together, this is the first time that I've actually caught you lying to my face. What do you expect me to feel or do after I catch you wearing your shirt inside out? So I was set on fuming in silence, let the night pass, probably not even wake you up the next day as punishment.
Hurting still, you dropped another bomb: " that you couldn't take my attitude anymore. That we may have lost that chemistry. That you didn't want to spend your life with someone as spoiled, as cheeky, as maldita, as evil as I am. That I may not be the one. Not that you're changing the subject, but I have been difficult and you have been difficult so what if we break up? What are your fucking thoughts on this?"
I went from wounded to dead in the few minutes between two text messages.
Up to now I'm still confused about feeling anger or sadness. I felt like all my life just flushed down the pipe where the kitty poop goes through during the weekly cleaning. What am I supposed to feel or do when the person whom I've changed my life for, the reason I went into advertising for, the pillar I hang on to everyday I wake up suddenly tells me "I'm sorry, I never wanted this to happen. I don't want to spend my life with you."
I'm not good, I've known that for a long time. I've been burned, wounded, scarred all my life and I doubted that I could ever find that someone who could just take me for what I am. Or so what I think I can be.
I've always wanted to be the girlfriend that every guy wanted, the one who wouldn't demand too much time, too much attention, too much love, too much caring. I tried. But I guess I'm still too much of a girl. I still had hormones. I still needed things. I think too much. I bitch. A lot.
And that was something that I wanted you to understand or get used to, if we were in something that would run for the whole of our lives. I am not always the good-natured girl you can drag along to anywhere you want to go to just because I'm your girlfriend. I always have a reason, no matter how petty it may seem, it still is a reason. I say the word no, because it exists, and the situation calls for it. I say it because I have to put my foot down somewhere before I get mistaken for the kind that just says yes all the time.
And yeah, you have some quirks that really do merit that kind of bitchiness. Because you just never seem to pay attention to details. To where you're headed, what you're going to do, and especially how it can affect me.
I just try to forget it, even if it irks me so much. I blow up when these small inanities happen, maybe because I've had enough. And I know you've had enough of my tantrums and my silences.
But for me, the other night's silence is valid. After all, in the three years that we've been together, this is the first time that I've actually caught you lying to my face. What do you expect me to feel or do after I catch you wearing your shirt inside out? So I was set on fuming in silence, let the night pass, probably not even wake you up the next day as punishment.
Hurting still, you dropped another bomb: " that you couldn't take my attitude anymore. That we may have lost that chemistry. That you didn't want to spend your life with someone as spoiled, as cheeky, as maldita, as evil as I am. That I may not be the one. Not that you're changing the subject, but I have been difficult and you have been difficult so what if we break up? What are your fucking thoughts on this?"
I went from wounded to dead in the few minutes between two text messages.
Up to now I'm still confused about feeling anger or sadness. I felt like all my life just flushed down the pipe where the kitty poop goes through during the weekly cleaning. What am I supposed to feel or do when the person whom I've changed my life for, the reason I went into advertising for, the pillar I hang on to everyday I wake up suddenly tells me "I'm sorry, I never wanted this to happen. I don't want to spend my life with you."