coming clean
...i'm in the middle of a crisis that i'm ashamed to talk about, but if i don't just come out with it to whoever might be reading this, i'm going to be up all night crying.
essentially, i've been cut off. i know i'm 21 and an adult and should be able to take care of myself, but that's not what i was told by my parents my entire life. and now it seems that they've changed their minds. i grew up in the lap of luxury, essentially. i had an idyllic family. i was told that school was my job and that i'd always be taken care of as long as i was pursuing my dreams.
but now i'm not so sure that my dreams are going to come true. the cold reality is, things change, and people are selfish. my dreams have changed drastically over the years. when the opera thing didn't work out for really unfair reasons, i decided to become a linguistics professor/author. but i don't know if i'll be able to do that. as it stands, i barely have enough money to eat. i want to help people, but i can't even help myself right now. and i just feel so powerless. right now, my dream is just to survive my 20's.
i am in no way asking for money right now. and if you offer it to me i will cry and feel really really bad, so just don't. i have a job which doesn't pay a lot and is keeping me up at night and putting a strain on my relationship because stephen and i lead such different lives now. i feel horrible for resenting him for not having to work like i do. i just need more help than it's fair for him to give, i guess. my gpa is currently 3.93 which entitles me for scholarships in grad school, provided i ace the gre. now the pressures on to keep it up, and feel failure looming over me because i just don't have the time to be so goddamn exceptional but i HAVE to be. i have no other choice, lest i consent to be in enormous amounts of debt for the rest of my life.
what hurts the most is feeling neglected by my parents. i understand that they've been through a tough divorce and feel like now is the time to enjoy their new lives. they want to take vacations, have babies, buy new cars, show each other up. in the process, they're using me and josh as guilt fuel-- "are you really going to let chelsea go hungry?" that's the thing; neither will give in. my mom says her money is "spousal" not "child" support, and we're not children anyway. my dad is guilting us out for the fact that my stepmom sometimes helps with our expenses, and so essentially he just wants me to pay him back for everything.
it wasn't like that for the golden child. they continued to take care of him until he was 24. my mom gave jason her inheritance so he could edit his movie. my dad paid his rent (in new york fucking city) until he got his first paycheck from nbc. there's no way i could land a job like that with a bachelor's in linguistics, summa cum laud or not. i owe it to myself to be dr. chelsea. there's nothing i want more than a phd and a really beautiful wedding one day. i'm just feeling those things slipping away from me.
UGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHG. i hate that i just went on for paragraphs feeling sorry for myself and i hate that i'm draggin stephen down with me and i hate that i'm so worried all the time about what i'm costing everyone and feeling bad when i buy a side of potatos to eat for my lunch. it's just not fair. had i KNOWN it was going to be this way, i never would have thought to dream at all.
so now i've come clean. and i still feel rotten.
essentially, i've been cut off. i know i'm 21 and an adult and should be able to take care of myself, but that's not what i was told by my parents my entire life. and now it seems that they've changed their minds. i grew up in the lap of luxury, essentially. i had an idyllic family. i was told that school was my job and that i'd always be taken care of as long as i was pursuing my dreams.
but now i'm not so sure that my dreams are going to come true. the cold reality is, things change, and people are selfish. my dreams have changed drastically over the years. when the opera thing didn't work out for really unfair reasons, i decided to become a linguistics professor/author. but i don't know if i'll be able to do that. as it stands, i barely have enough money to eat. i want to help people, but i can't even help myself right now. and i just feel so powerless. right now, my dream is just to survive my 20's.
i am in no way asking for money right now. and if you offer it to me i will cry and feel really really bad, so just don't. i have a job which doesn't pay a lot and is keeping me up at night and putting a strain on my relationship because stephen and i lead such different lives now. i feel horrible for resenting him for not having to work like i do. i just need more help than it's fair for him to give, i guess. my gpa is currently 3.93 which entitles me for scholarships in grad school, provided i ace the gre. now the pressures on to keep it up, and feel failure looming over me because i just don't have the time to be so goddamn exceptional but i HAVE to be. i have no other choice, lest i consent to be in enormous amounts of debt for the rest of my life.
what hurts the most is feeling neglected by my parents. i understand that they've been through a tough divorce and feel like now is the time to enjoy their new lives. they want to take vacations, have babies, buy new cars, show each other up. in the process, they're using me and josh as guilt fuel-- "are you really going to let chelsea go hungry?" that's the thing; neither will give in. my mom says her money is "spousal" not "child" support, and we're not children anyway. my dad is guilting us out for the fact that my stepmom sometimes helps with our expenses, and so essentially he just wants me to pay him back for everything.
it wasn't like that for the golden child. they continued to take care of him until he was 24. my mom gave jason her inheritance so he could edit his movie. my dad paid his rent (in new york fucking city) until he got his first paycheck from nbc. there's no way i could land a job like that with a bachelor's in linguistics, summa cum laud or not. i owe it to myself to be dr. chelsea. there's nothing i want more than a phd and a really beautiful wedding one day. i'm just feeling those things slipping away from me.
UGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHG. i hate that i just went on for paragraphs feeling sorry for myself and i hate that i'm draggin stephen down with me and i hate that i'm so worried all the time about what i'm costing everyone and feeling bad when i buy a side of potatos to eat for my lunch. it's just not fair. had i KNOWN it was going to be this way, i never would have thought to dream at all.
so now i've come clean. and i still feel rotten.