Love, Hate, and Forgiveness
Alright I get it, I’ve been quite. I have been trying to sort through all the emotions and raw data that I feel. I am in transition. I’m going from worker monkey to study monkey. I’m riding my motor bike of life and I’m going full speed I see the precipice approaching and I’m hoping like hell that when I jump I make it to the other side. I thrive on a certain amount of risk. I just am not as impulsive as I may have once been. I don’t think I’m being impulsive going to school despite what some of my coworkers have said. I see my education as an investment and as a way out of my go nowhere job at the museum.
I have been terribly distracted by the needs of everyday life.
Do we have clean clothes? Buy food or gas? Have I told John I love him and made him comfortable in the 1.5 hr he has between working, getting home looking at the text books and then sleep by 9pm?
In addition to the responsibilities and heart pangs of dealing with my mother and brother
Love: My cats have been giving me a lot of love, particularly Maude who will seek me out when I’m in most need of cuddles or a furry head bump. She has taken to sleeping on my left side between the nightstand and my pillow like a furry barrier between me and the gap, and the wall. It is not feng shui to have different night stands on either side of the bed so maybe my little cat is helping me out and deflecting some of the chi.
+Love: John is love. Even after working 15 HOURS with one 15 minute break and one 20 minute break for lunch he still sat in a chair and talked with me as I sautéed the two bundles of swiss chard for my diabetic friendly ground chicken meatloaf with garlic, chard, parmesan cheese, and fancy middle eastern spices. I stayed up till it was ready. I awoke him for a little taste of the experiment once it was done, I need to get something in his stomach for dinner because all he had eaten all day was four chicken strips L
Hate: Last night after I ran to safeway to buy a meat thermometer and bread crumbs to be purchased on my CC, one of our big tomato plants were stolen. I tried to rationalize but it does not compute.
Exhibit A: he/she could have taken a smaller pot with 1-2 plants in it.
Exhibit B: maybe he/she was desperate but none of my plants have big hearty fruit on them yet so it’s not like they were lured by the fruit on the vine.
Exhibit C: John informed me that the dispersement for school happened 2 days ago so it’s not like the cash flow isn’t there if they are a student.
Overall I’m fine. It was just shocking and disappointing.
Hate: My brother is not himself and is deep in the enemy’s counsel (my apologizes to J.R.R Tolkien for that line)
Hate: the New China Design Now florescent lights can be seeing from outer space. The florescent hurts my eyes! The lights reflect on the glass doors 30 ft away even on a sunny day! I am relieved I won’t be working during that mess. (read: three different prices for admission depending on what you want to see $12, $15, or $17 for one admission)
Forgiveness: I have been trying to learn to forgive myself for various things. I am seeking to forgive myself for not loving my mother more in her old age. I am forgiving myself for not necessarily wanting to be a totally career driven artist/woman and want to have a home life. To be a Georgie O’keeffe of sorts and paint, sculpt, admire the land, and make love when my husband he is home. I am learning to forgive my love of the weed and with that forgiveness has come a letting go. Finally. I’m learning to forgive the PAM for its shittiness because had it been a place of growth and advancement I most likely would not be a degree seeking student now.
I also wish to forgive the art world as a whole for its consumer based “gotta make it big gotta making it now” burden it places on artists young and old alike. Were it may serve other artists to make art with the dollar amount in mind when create a piece it does not serve me. I AM AN ARTIST. Regardless if I use my art to survive or if implement any and all talents at my disposal to support my art. My art does not support me. This world is big enough for all different sorts of artists but my point is I think we need not all buy into what society says or expects an artists to do. Artists can be responsible, articulate, altruistic, involved and relevant to their communities. If they channel their energies to an outlet that can serve them as well as those around them then everyone is golden.
I just came back from DHS. I will be losing my FS because you either need 1 work study hour or 20 working hrs to get aid.Just as I suspected :( So goodbye free $18 a month it was sweet but it’s time that your free-ness go to someone else in need. Of course if I had a kid it would be a different story but I don’t want to go there today. If you are unemployed and not in school you can get up to $200 in FS monthly. Srsly? Somethings I’ll never understand. It’s all good. When I least expect it there is abundance. I know others are worse off and so in the universal order of things everything evens out. I hope I can learn to get my balance soon. I truly am grateful for all that I have.
transmission terminated.
-Carolina
.
I have been terribly distracted by the needs of everyday life.
Do we have clean clothes? Buy food or gas? Have I told John I love him and made him comfortable in the 1.5 hr he has between working, getting home looking at the text books and then sleep by 9pm?
In addition to the responsibilities and heart pangs of dealing with my mother and brother
Love: My cats have been giving me a lot of love, particularly Maude who will seek me out when I’m in most need of cuddles or a furry head bump. She has taken to sleeping on my left side between the nightstand and my pillow like a furry barrier between me and the gap, and the wall. It is not feng shui to have different night stands on either side of the bed so maybe my little cat is helping me out and deflecting some of the chi.
+Love: John is love. Even after working 15 HOURS with one 15 minute break and one 20 minute break for lunch he still sat in a chair and talked with me as I sautéed the two bundles of swiss chard for my diabetic friendly ground chicken meatloaf with garlic, chard, parmesan cheese, and fancy middle eastern spices. I stayed up till it was ready. I awoke him for a little taste of the experiment once it was done, I need to get something in his stomach for dinner because all he had eaten all day was four chicken strips L
Hate: Last night after I ran to safeway to buy a meat thermometer and bread crumbs to be purchased on my CC, one of our big tomato plants were stolen. I tried to rationalize but it does not compute.
Exhibit A: he/she could have taken a smaller pot with 1-2 plants in it.
Exhibit B: maybe he/she was desperate but none of my plants have big hearty fruit on them yet so it’s not like they were lured by the fruit on the vine.
Exhibit C: John informed me that the dispersement for school happened 2 days ago so it’s not like the cash flow isn’t there if they are a student.
Overall I’m fine. It was just shocking and disappointing.
Hate: My brother is not himself and is deep in the enemy’s counsel (my apologizes to J.R.R Tolkien for that line)
Hate: the New China Design Now florescent lights can be seeing from outer space. The florescent hurts my eyes! The lights reflect on the glass doors 30 ft away even on a sunny day! I am relieved I won’t be working during that mess. (read: three different prices for admission depending on what you want to see $12, $15, or $17 for one admission)
Forgiveness: I have been trying to learn to forgive myself for various things. I am seeking to forgive myself for not loving my mother more in her old age. I am forgiving myself for not necessarily wanting to be a totally career driven artist/woman and want to have a home life. To be a Georgie O’keeffe of sorts and paint, sculpt, admire the land, and make love when my husband he is home. I am learning to forgive my love of the weed and with that forgiveness has come a letting go. Finally. I’m learning to forgive the PAM for its shittiness because had it been a place of growth and advancement I most likely would not be a degree seeking student now.
I also wish to forgive the art world as a whole for its consumer based “gotta make it big gotta making it now” burden it places on artists young and old alike. Were it may serve other artists to make art with the dollar amount in mind when create a piece it does not serve me. I AM AN ARTIST. Regardless if I use my art to survive or if implement any and all talents at my disposal to support my art. My art does not support me. This world is big enough for all different sorts of artists but my point is I think we need not all buy into what society says or expects an artists to do. Artists can be responsible, articulate, altruistic, involved and relevant to their communities. If they channel their energies to an outlet that can serve them as well as those around them then everyone is golden.
I just came back from DHS. I will be losing my FS because you either need 1 work study hour or 20 working hrs to get aid.Just as I suspected :( So goodbye free $18 a month it was sweet but it’s time that your free-ness go to someone else in need. Of course if I had a kid it would be a different story but I don’t want to go there today. If you are unemployed and not in school you can get up to $200 in FS monthly. Srsly? Somethings I’ll never understand. It’s all good. When I least expect it there is abundance. I know others are worse off and so in the universal order of things everything evens out. I hope I can learn to get my balance soon. I truly am grateful for all that I have.
transmission terminated.
-Carolina
.