Twilight: official rant.
Why, it's two in the morning, mere days before the new year, and I think it's time for a new entry! Too bad it has to be about Twilight. Really, though, I've been meaning to rant about it properly back when I finished reading it a few weeks ago but never did, and the only reason I feel compelled to now is because I keep thinking it would be amusing to write a story where my paranormal investigator character gets a case involving sparklepires, and so I was trying to get my thoughts back on this wonderful piece of literature.
I had decided, long before I had a chance to read Twilight, that when I did read it, I would try to remain neutral and not dislike it just because I've read all the snark. I wouldn't be reading for the lulz. I would form my own opinions.
Yeah, that didn't work.
It was simply too hard to not think about all the hilarious reviews when everything they warned about was all there. The Mary Sues, the bizzare mood swings, the abusive relationship, the inexplicable sparkling... Everything I've read about it, it really wasn't exaggeration.
Regardless of this, there are a few things I would have had a problem with regardless. First, my Mary Sue-o-Meter is in perfect working order, and Bella had every warning sign of being one, so I have no doubt I would have called her out on that. Seriously, having every single male character who is not already in a stable relationship or physically out of her age range be completely enraptured by her the first moment they see her? WHY, Stephenie Meyer? Second, the romance. Dear Lork, the romance. Now, I'm not inherently opposed to a story about a romance (well, maybe a little), because there are stories out there where the romance actually makes me gleeful. I've even drawn up this list of guidelines, what it takes to make me not want to gag at romance, and Twilight failed epically on every last one of the points, so I would have had some issues there.
Now, onto my other opinions, however influenced they were.
1. It was boring. This is pretty much the summary of my thoughts, put in the most polite way possible, and thus will be what I tell my obsessed friends when they want to know what I thought of it. The lack of plot was simply too prominent. There was no conflict to keep me interested, no mystery I was anticipating an answer to (though this might have been in part to already knowing everything that happens prior). Did I mention there was no conflict? You can't have plot without conflict. It was just one scene after another without anything to tie it all together as a unified story. Now, if there had been some antagonist alluded to from the beginning instead of thrown in three quarters into the book, that might have been something, but no. It was absolutely devoid of any kind of suspense until that point three quarters into the book, which is a shame because there were so many opportunities for conflict that were just ignored entirely. And even after Evil Vampire Dude is introduced, he is the sole conflict, and everything goes back to being sparkly and perfect once he's taken care of, even though Bella had to say some pretty harsh things to her dad so she could leave home in accordance with her plan, but no one cares how parents feel, so the aftermath of that was just skipped over. I assume she went back to living at her dad's house in Forks again no questions asked.
What else was I going to say? Oh, I'll just move on to the next point.
2. Edward is annoying. Like, seriously annoying. I had to try to like Edward and it didn't work. Which part of all this was the crack-happy wish fulfillment fluff I hear so much about? Did I borrow a defective copy? How are so many teenage girls finding him attractive? You know, before I read it I was actually afraid I might fall into the "like it for the guilty pleasure" category of readers, but I honestly cannot figure out what the pleasure is with Edward. For one, he has his aforementioned crazy mood swings. Is he amused? Annoyed? Happy? Angry? I can't figure it out anymore; it all blurs together. Also, his way of constantly laughing and smirking at Bella and everything she says came off as majorly condescending, especially considering how he never answers her questions but makes her answer all his questions, and it made the brief moments when he's actually being serious seem insincere. And let's talk about the abusive relationship theories out there. I definitely got that vibe, again with the way he forces her to do everything his way and never lets Bella have a say. Where the hell is the fantasy in that? He's always withholding information she wants to know for no particular reason other than he doesn't want to tell her, which would annoy the living snot out of me, especially for someone who's supposed to be hopelessly in love. I really think Robert Pattinson was on to something when he said Edward was a manic depressive who hates himself. His behavior is a lot easier to understand if you look at him as having unchecked psychological issues, I thought. And do I even need to go into the stalking?
3. I could not make the vampires less interesting if I tried. HOW exactly do you write a novel about vampires in which there is not a single instance of someone being devoured to death in a fit of bloody vampiric rage? Apparently by removing every aspect of vampires that makes them interesting to read about, that's how. We are told that they drink blood and we are told that it is terribly difficult to suppress this urge when around normal people, but never is this actually shown. This is the only real "flaw" that is given to these vampires and it's a non-issue, so there is really nothing in the way of my believing that what we have here is not vampires but an entire race of Mary Sues. Their eyes even change colors, how appropriate. We are told constantly how they are inhumanly beautiful, strong, graceful, etc, etc for several hundred pages, and there is no flaw to balance it out, absolutely nothing to support Edward's arguments that they're monsters and Bella should stay human. Meyer really did go overboard in making them indestructible and perfect in every way, and it makes me want to spork every one of them into a pulp. Is there a reason why she couldn't preserve any of the traditional vampire weaknesses instead of replacing them with things like sparkling in sunlight?! I will seriously never get over the sparkling. It's just... there are no words.
To top off their supremely boring vampire perfection, the Cullens are inexplicably rich and none of them have the slightest objection to Edward dating Bella aside from Rosalie, who I think had all of one speaking part, so this goes back to "Bella is a Mary Sue" and "there is no conflict in this damned story." But I think the one thing that annoys me more than their superhuman perfection is that, given their assets, they never do anything interesting with it. I'm sorry, but I must invoke the caps lock of doom for this next sentence...
WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL GOOD LITERATURE WOULD YOU REPEATEDLY GO TO HIGH SCHOOL?!
This is simply beyond me. I mean, I didn't have a completely horrible high school experience, but seriously, once is enough. We're talking about impossibly powerful vampires and all they do is play baseball. And seriously, high school? Tell me that wasn't just a device to have the normal high school student have her life turned inside out, but even then, I could think of better ways to have Edward meet Bella without having to put up with the educational system for all eternity.
I could go on, because I certainly have some thoughts on character depth I could go into, but by now it is 5:00 and I just took three hours typing this.
I had decided, long before I had a chance to read Twilight, that when I did read it, I would try to remain neutral and not dislike it just because I've read all the snark. I wouldn't be reading for the lulz. I would form my own opinions.
Yeah, that didn't work.
It was simply too hard to not think about all the hilarious reviews when everything they warned about was all there. The Mary Sues, the bizzare mood swings, the abusive relationship, the inexplicable sparkling... Everything I've read about it, it really wasn't exaggeration.
Regardless of this, there are a few things I would have had a problem with regardless. First, my Mary Sue-o-Meter is in perfect working order, and Bella had every warning sign of being one, so I have no doubt I would have called her out on that. Seriously, having every single male character who is not already in a stable relationship or physically out of her age range be completely enraptured by her the first moment they see her? WHY, Stephenie Meyer? Second, the romance. Dear Lork, the romance. Now, I'm not inherently opposed to a story about a romance (well, maybe a little), because there are stories out there where the romance actually makes me gleeful. I've even drawn up this list of guidelines, what it takes to make me not want to gag at romance, and Twilight failed epically on every last one of the points, so I would have had some issues there.
Now, onto my other opinions, however influenced they were.
1. It was boring. This is pretty much the summary of my thoughts, put in the most polite way possible, and thus will be what I tell my obsessed friends when they want to know what I thought of it. The lack of plot was simply too prominent. There was no conflict to keep me interested, no mystery I was anticipating an answer to (though this might have been in part to already knowing everything that happens prior). Did I mention there was no conflict? You can't have plot without conflict. It was just one scene after another without anything to tie it all together as a unified story. Now, if there had been some antagonist alluded to from the beginning instead of thrown in three quarters into the book, that might have been something, but no. It was absolutely devoid of any kind of suspense until that point three quarters into the book, which is a shame because there were so many opportunities for conflict that were just ignored entirely. And even after Evil Vampire Dude is introduced, he is the sole conflict, and everything goes back to being sparkly and perfect once he's taken care of, even though Bella had to say some pretty harsh things to her dad so she could leave home in accordance with her plan, but no one cares how parents feel, so the aftermath of that was just skipped over. I assume she went back to living at her dad's house in Forks again no questions asked.
What else was I going to say? Oh, I'll just move on to the next point.
2. Edward is annoying. Like, seriously annoying. I had to try to like Edward and it didn't work. Which part of all this was the crack-happy wish fulfillment fluff I hear so much about? Did I borrow a defective copy? How are so many teenage girls finding him attractive? You know, before I read it I was actually afraid I might fall into the "like it for the guilty pleasure" category of readers, but I honestly cannot figure out what the pleasure is with Edward. For one, he has his aforementioned crazy mood swings. Is he amused? Annoyed? Happy? Angry? I can't figure it out anymore; it all blurs together. Also, his way of constantly laughing and smirking at Bella and everything she says came off as majorly condescending, especially considering how he never answers her questions but makes her answer all his questions, and it made the brief moments when he's actually being serious seem insincere. And let's talk about the abusive relationship theories out there. I definitely got that vibe, again with the way he forces her to do everything his way and never lets Bella have a say. Where the hell is the fantasy in that? He's always withholding information she wants to know for no particular reason other than he doesn't want to tell her, which would annoy the living snot out of me, especially for someone who's supposed to be hopelessly in love. I really think Robert Pattinson was on to something when he said Edward was a manic depressive who hates himself. His behavior is a lot easier to understand if you look at him as having unchecked psychological issues, I thought. And do I even need to go into the stalking?
3. I could not make the vampires less interesting if I tried. HOW exactly do you write a novel about vampires in which there is not a single instance of someone being devoured to death in a fit of bloody vampiric rage? Apparently by removing every aspect of vampires that makes them interesting to read about, that's how. We are told that they drink blood and we are told that it is terribly difficult to suppress this urge when around normal people, but never is this actually shown. This is the only real "flaw" that is given to these vampires and it's a non-issue, so there is really nothing in the way of my believing that what we have here is not vampires but an entire race of Mary Sues. Their eyes even change colors, how appropriate. We are told constantly how they are inhumanly beautiful, strong, graceful, etc, etc for several hundred pages, and there is no flaw to balance it out, absolutely nothing to support Edward's arguments that they're monsters and Bella should stay human. Meyer really did go overboard in making them indestructible and perfect in every way, and it makes me want to spork every one of them into a pulp. Is there a reason why she couldn't preserve any of the traditional vampire weaknesses instead of replacing them with things like sparkling in sunlight?! I will seriously never get over the sparkling. It's just... there are no words.
To top off their supremely boring vampire perfection, the Cullens are inexplicably rich and none of them have the slightest objection to Edward dating Bella aside from Rosalie, who I think had all of one speaking part, so this goes back to "Bella is a Mary Sue" and "there is no conflict in this damned story." But I think the one thing that annoys me more than their superhuman perfection is that, given their assets, they never do anything interesting with it. I'm sorry, but I must invoke the caps lock of doom for this next sentence...
WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL GOOD LITERATURE WOULD YOU REPEATEDLY GO TO HIGH SCHOOL?!
This is simply beyond me. I mean, I didn't have a completely horrible high school experience, but seriously, once is enough. We're talking about impossibly powerful vampires and all they do is play baseball. And seriously, high school? Tell me that wasn't just a device to have the normal high school student have her life turned inside out, but even then, I could think of better ways to have Edward meet Bella without having to put up with the educational system for all eternity.
I could go on, because I certainly have some thoughts on character depth I could go into, but by now it is 5:00 and I just took three hours typing this.