Part One of many
Okay. I promised myself I'd sit down and write about it. Problem is, sitting is not so fun, as I bruised my tailbone skiing this weekend. ouch. That, however, is irrelevant. I'm calm now, collected, and in denial. I will start with a play-by-play. You all know about the breakdown in communication that happened last Saturday, but I haven't let you in on the repeat performance Monday afternoon. I'm not sure why or how that one started, but we basically came to the same conclusion. Oh yeah, and the part where I said "I love you" and he hesitated. So we continued with the "meaning of I love you" conversation. He said he wasn't sure he meant it in the same way, but then we dropped the issue. Okay, the rest of the week went as follows: didn't see him Tuesday--went to fencing and stayed out late. Wednesday: saw him at lunch for a half hour, in the evening he went to the club sports meeting, didn't see him. Thursday: same as Tuesday. Friday took the cake. He went to go repair weapons which he said would take 3 hours at most. This was at 6:00. I didn't see him again until Saturday at 7:30. He never came back that evening and couldn't find two seconds to call me. Not that it matters anymore. At 8:00, he met up with his mom and I watched Zoolander, he got back at 11:45 and that's when it happened. He gave me a massage and said
"I don't want to be in this relationship anymore." Sat there for 5 minutes. As he said it I felt something draining away from me, or maybed smothering me. It started at my head and oozed its way down to my feet. Cold, empty, alone. Like being possessed. It's still there, but I can't deal with it just yet. It hurts. It covers my whole body and if I let it, it will paralyze me.
"Why?"
"Because we just don't click."
" Okay, I think you're wrong.... We've been dating for a year and everything worked out fine until this week."
" Well, our life goals just aren't the same."
I'm thinking, you don't have life goals... 15 minutes pass.
"You need someone who can support you."
"You've been there until right now."
Something about being inadequate in general, I don't remember the exact quote but that was the implication.
I think that what happened now was a ramble on all the things that we'll change, wondering if we can be friends, wondering if maybe there's something else going on, lots of other stuff...
"relationships don't deteriorate in two weeks. how long have you been cooking this up?"
" I dunno, awhile."
My thought: when a relationship ends, you can pretty much say that the last third of it was deliberation about it ending. THat puts us in October or so. We went through his birthday, Christmas, and our anniversary without him saying anything. And I didn't even notice until after he got back from Arizona.
"Talking to my mom tonight, she said that when you're in a relationship the person you're with should inspire you to be a better person and make you want to be more." 5 minutes pass. Thinking: I absolutely don't understand this. What does that even mean? How am I supposed to inspire you? Did I ever? Are you doing this because your mom told you to? What the hell are you even talking about? How does that relate to anything?
"I don't understand. I don't inspire you? I've always been taught that you shouldn't seek to change the person you're with, you should love them exactly the way they are. And I do love you just like you are, with the execption of the calling thing. But we can fix this. Or do you even want to fix it?"
No.
I start to cry. I really want to hit him, to smack him around and do to him physically what he's doing emotionally. But I didn't. Fine. I think that what happened now was a ramble on all the things that we'll change, wondering if we can be friends, wondering if maybe there's something else going on, lots of other stuff...
"relationships don't deteriorate in two weeks. how long have you been cooking this up?"
" I dunno, awhile."
"any closing remarks?"
" Nope you've about covered it."
"Fine. Go, then."
And he got up and put his shoes on, but waited at the door like I was going to get up and kiss him goodnight as always. I managed to maintain my composure and nodded at him to leave. He sighed and walked out the door.
So how am I? Better than I expected, but in denial.
How do you fill in all the holes that they occupied? He was there under my skin for a year. Maybe that's what left, that extra layer of security, knowing that there was someone who loves you and cares about you who's waiting for you at the end of the day. Maybe that was what slithered out of my body. How do I wake up every morning and remind myself that we aren't together, that we're broken? How do I keep from holding out for him to come to his senses? How do I tell everyone we know that we are just me now? I never get to see his family again. It's so much easier if this is a clean break. I don't want it to be complicated. Life goes on and eventually I'll get over it. I'm angry but a different angry. It's a resigned kind of anger that just sighs and walks out the door. It's a cool simmering confusion that boils into fury. He backed out at the first sign of confrontation. Or he found someone else. Or I did something wrong and he doesn't want to tell me. Or he's got some other issue going on and he doesn't want to tell me. Or he cares deeply for me and it freaks the hell out of him. I don't know what's the worst. He's weak or he's selfish or he's an asshole or he's an idiot. Or he's all four. Or something. This is so impossible because I'm still in love with him. It's not so easy just to fall out of it. Maybe that's what that feeling is, falling out of love. Missing a step on stairs.
Fuck, this hurts. I feel stupid for feeling. Boys aren't worth crying over. But this one is. I don't even have the words for it. How...do I find it again? How do I trust again? I knew it all along. I knew that something was wrong and that the "I need some space" conversation was a death knell.
It's over. Really over. Black to white. Over. End. Dead. I still have the phantom feeling though. I have to remind myself every two seconds that it's over. Really over, end, dead, broken. But broken sounds like you can fix it. We can't fix it. Well, he thinks we can't. That's where I am right now. But I'll live.
"I don't want to be in this relationship anymore." Sat there for 5 minutes. As he said it I felt something draining away from me, or maybed smothering me. It started at my head and oozed its way down to my feet. Cold, empty, alone. Like being possessed. It's still there, but I can't deal with it just yet. It hurts. It covers my whole body and if I let it, it will paralyze me.
"Why?"
"Because we just don't click."
" Okay, I think you're wrong.... We've been dating for a year and everything worked out fine until this week."
" Well, our life goals just aren't the same."
I'm thinking, you don't have life goals... 15 minutes pass.
"You need someone who can support you."
"You've been there until right now."
Something about being inadequate in general, I don't remember the exact quote but that was the implication.
I think that what happened now was a ramble on all the things that we'll change, wondering if we can be friends, wondering if maybe there's something else going on, lots of other stuff...
"relationships don't deteriorate in two weeks. how long have you been cooking this up?"
" I dunno, awhile."
My thought: when a relationship ends, you can pretty much say that the last third of it was deliberation about it ending. THat puts us in October or so. We went through his birthday, Christmas, and our anniversary without him saying anything. And I didn't even notice until after he got back from Arizona.
"Talking to my mom tonight, she said that when you're in a relationship the person you're with should inspire you to be a better person and make you want to be more." 5 minutes pass. Thinking: I absolutely don't understand this. What does that even mean? How am I supposed to inspire you? Did I ever? Are you doing this because your mom told you to? What the hell are you even talking about? How does that relate to anything?
"I don't understand. I don't inspire you? I've always been taught that you shouldn't seek to change the person you're with, you should love them exactly the way they are. And I do love you just like you are, with the execption of the calling thing. But we can fix this. Or do you even want to fix it?"
No.
I start to cry. I really want to hit him, to smack him around and do to him physically what he's doing emotionally. But I didn't. Fine. I think that what happened now was a ramble on all the things that we'll change, wondering if we can be friends, wondering if maybe there's something else going on, lots of other stuff...
"relationships don't deteriorate in two weeks. how long have you been cooking this up?"
" I dunno, awhile."
"any closing remarks?"
" Nope you've about covered it."
"Fine. Go, then."
And he got up and put his shoes on, but waited at the door like I was going to get up and kiss him goodnight as always. I managed to maintain my composure and nodded at him to leave. He sighed and walked out the door.
So how am I? Better than I expected, but in denial.
How do you fill in all the holes that they occupied? He was there under my skin for a year. Maybe that's what left, that extra layer of security, knowing that there was someone who loves you and cares about you who's waiting for you at the end of the day. Maybe that was what slithered out of my body. How do I wake up every morning and remind myself that we aren't together, that we're broken? How do I keep from holding out for him to come to his senses? How do I tell everyone we know that we are just me now? I never get to see his family again. It's so much easier if this is a clean break. I don't want it to be complicated. Life goes on and eventually I'll get over it. I'm angry but a different angry. It's a resigned kind of anger that just sighs and walks out the door. It's a cool simmering confusion that boils into fury. He backed out at the first sign of confrontation. Or he found someone else. Or I did something wrong and he doesn't want to tell me. Or he's got some other issue going on and he doesn't want to tell me. Or he cares deeply for me and it freaks the hell out of him. I don't know what's the worst. He's weak or he's selfish or he's an asshole or he's an idiot. Or he's all four. Or something. This is so impossible because I'm still in love with him. It's not so easy just to fall out of it. Maybe that's what that feeling is, falling out of love. Missing a step on stairs.
Fuck, this hurts. I feel stupid for feeling. Boys aren't worth crying over. But this one is. I don't even have the words for it. How...do I find it again? How do I trust again? I knew it all along. I knew that something was wrong and that the "I need some space" conversation was a death knell.
It's over. Really over. Black to white. Over. End. Dead. I still have the phantom feeling though. I have to remind myself every two seconds that it's over. Really over, end, dead, broken. But broken sounds like you can fix it. We can't fix it. Well, he thinks we can't. That's where I am right now. But I'll live.