FIC: Grey

[ishonn]

Title: Grey
Rating: G
Characters: Remus, Sirius
Word count: 372
Disclaimer: I disclaim.
A/N: Finally. This fic was starting to burn my computer. Inspired months ago by my favourite His Face Shines in the Gloom of My Parents’ House by

Comments

[randygrapes]

I said this on FA, but in case you didn't get around to reading (and also because it's nice to leave comments here, too) I'll leave my feedback/constructive criticism here:

1) The idea behind this was inspired, in my view. I liked the way you showed Remus' worry that he couldn't stop the changes occurring in Sirius, couldn't take back what damage Azkaban had caused.

2) I loved the tragedy that comes with seeing how, just as Sirius is "black and white again", he falls through the veil, and Remus loses everything... again.

3) I think this is just being finicky, but I didn't like the simplicity of the tone. Remus, to me, is a complex and intelligent man, and his thoughts and speech should reflect this. Also, I can't see him being so matter of fact about someone he loves fading away so insistently. It felt to me like there was a kind of lack of emotion about his portrayal in this, like he had given up, and I don't think this fits with JKR's characterisation of him.

4) On the other hand, some of the simplicity ("They would never come back" and "I don't know when it started") worked really well, showing the difficulties of the situation, and how hard it is for Remus to deal with.

[ishonn]

First of all many thanks again for reviewing. It took me four months to complete and post this fic, so I can say we have a history ;-) I haven’t got much concrit so far (generally, not just on “Grey”), and I truly appreciate it that you took your time not just to read and review, but to offer some constructive criticism, too, which is more demanding from the reviewer, I think (and I always find just praising much easier).

It’s great to hear you like the general idea of the fic. You might like to read the story that inspired it, namely “His Face Shines In the Gloom of My Parents’ House” by paulamcg. It’s a brilliant piece about OotP Sirius, and I highly recommend it. Coming back to “Grey”, though, it’s reassuring to know that the fic is received as I meant it to be.

I’m positively thrilled that you enjoyed the fall’s description! I found it hard to write, in fact, perhaps because this scene always moves me very much, and replaying it in my mind again, watching it through the filter of my interpretation, was nearly painful. But I feel rewarded knowing what emotions the part stirred in you.

I agree with you about Remus’s being intelligent and complicated, as well as more emotional about his loss. I also wouldn’t normally write Remus’s voice this way. However, in this fic I imagined him kind of retelling the story to someone, perhaps to Harry, perhaps to himself, as if trying to sort it out, because it’s time to accept it. I see him remembering this year at 12 Grimmauld Place, recalling image after image with quiet pain as screaming won’t help. Definitely I didn’t think of this story as set immediately or even short after Sirius’s fall.

Thank you for pointing out the good sides of the simplicity you mention. You see, this is exactly what I’ve just said: Remus’s trying to keep matters simple in order to finally sort it all out: his memories, thoughts, his t and sense of loss. I think he’s trying to understand why it had to be this way. I’d like to know if you find this justification convincing.

[randygrapes]

Ah, yes, thinking of this in terms of Remus' retelling (perhaps to Harry) definitely changes the perspective, and in this case I think you got the tone quite right. So, to answer your question, I do find the justification convincing.

It would be interesting to read the same tale in a different time and see how it differs - ie. very shortly after *it* happened... maybe Remus telling the tale to someone who wasn't present/didn't see.

xxx

[ishonn]

I’m glad my explanation makes sense to you.

As for an “immediately after” story, I wrote it once - it was my very first fic, “Promises”, and a pretty bad one ;-P Anyway, I think if Remus were to tell someone about Sirius’s fall shortly afterwards, he’d be much more focused on the incident itself. I believe it was the passing time that allowed him to see and recognise all the signs of Sirius’s turning grey, withdrawing. On the other hand, perhaps that’s exactly what would make it so interesting to write and read Remus’s relation shortly after the fight.