FIC: Grey
Title: Grey
Rating: G
Characters: Remus, Sirius
Word count: 372
Disclaimer: I disclaim.
A/N: Finally. This fic was starting to burn my computer. Inspired months ago by my favourite His Face Shines in the Gloom of My Parents’ House by
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Rating: G
Characters: Remus, Sirius
Word count: 372
Disclaimer: I disclaim.
A/N: Finally. This fic was starting to burn my computer. Inspired months ago by my favourite His Face Shines in the Gloom of My Parents’ House by
( Read more... )
Yes, I love the brief sparkling moment. I must confess that I didn’t remember that fear was mentioned in the canon scene. Years of reading fic which idealizes Sirius must have made me think he looked perfectly brave until the end in Harry’s eyes, too. Besides, I remember too clearly the GoF scenes in which he acts as if he were not damaged at all.
This piece made me feel I should have written more about OotP period a long time ago - before being influnced too much by you, so that I’ll have to say I’ve just rewritten situations developed by ishonn or something. You know, I wrote so much of my Remus’s story before I was exposed to much fanon influence that I’m not as used to sharing ideas as probably a lot of other fanfic writers are. I think I’ve avoided this period, because I’d rather use my own settings, and also because more people write about it than about the lost years. Or perhaps I’m still afraid of Sirius.
I use dashes too much, but not at the end of a broken thought, so I always separate the dash with a space on each side. When I use an ellipsis to mark a broken thought, there is, of course, no space before the three dots (unlike when I use it when quoting excerpts of a text), so I should understand the way you wrote some of yous dashes. They just look strange when attached to the words. I’m still not used to seeing two hyphens replacing m dashes either - with or without spaces. I prefer using a single hyphen with spaces around it.
I’d be happy to hear about the results of your checking the use of “had used to”. I haven’t been taught English grammar for such a long time - except on this forum in FAP.
Your idea that Remus here gives an account to Harry appeals to me, because my Remus writes his letters (not always managing or even trying to keep his emotions down, though). Well, once again my comment gets self-centered, or my-fic-centered. Of course, we don’t need to believe that Remus actually says aloud or writes this, and I prefer it that way.
And you know I prefer first-person in short stories focusing on a single character’s experience - at least in well-written ones (like yours and mine)! Perhaps it would have looked redundant, if you’d written about his seeing another him act like this and that. Then it could have been tempting to leave Remus out altogether and only show us how Sirius acted and looked like - and we would have had the roles of Sirius fans, not the role of the person who loved him in the reality of the story. Perhaps I’m exaggerating, as Remus does do something else, besides witnessing, in the story - like take part in a meeting and try to provoke whisper (although you don’t actually show how he does that either) - so including him as another third-person character could be justified. I wonder how much sense that made, but thanks for another chance for babbling.
I’m thrilled you actually loved my five new drabbles. As you must have seen, I got some feedback on the Snitch, but since I still haven’t heard from expositionary, they’ve remained untouched, not posted on lj, and they must feel ignored. At the same time it’s been wonderful to look at Change in Direction more closely again.
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… very few R/S fans can be satisfied with fic without proper slashy touches (kisses etc.). I think I'm beginning to know what you mean. I'm not sure if you noticed, but the last two fics (Nightly Light and Grey) I posted on remusxsirius got no or hardly any attention. I've been wondering if it was due to a coincidence (too many fics posted at the same time), lack of proper/good summary or the fics as such - their form, their content. I'm not really worrying, because I don't doubt the stories are what I wanted them to be. But, like you said, they might not be what the reader wants them to be. I'm considering whether to post “In Your Lap” and see what happens; thanks to the wonderful feedback on ff.net I started to believe in this story. However, I was inclined to think that pieces like Nightly Light and Grey would be appreciated on remusxsirius more than nice and pretty pointless fluff. Thus I’m now reluctant to post Stolen Time.
Yes, I’ve been posting everything on ff.net and received some wonderful feedback; you can find the reviews through my profile. Unfortunately, as my fics are exceptionally short, I cannot submit them on FictionAlley, which was my goal. Like you said once in a letter, it’s sometimes hard to go on despite lack of attention, even if you know you’re doing well. I feel lucky to find reassurance from a few people, you in the first place.
The previous shape of Grey definitely required throwing away quite a lot. I think I needed to let this story grow on me, it was too important to be blotched.
I don’t seem to be able to forget the canon fear on Sirius’s face. I think I actually intended at first to let Sirius sparkle until the very end, to let him fall black and white. But then I felt it wouldn’t be right nor true - both canonically and humanly. So regretfully I extinguished the sparkle, and perhaps this made the scene in my fic more poignant, too.
You made me ponder how much I get influenced by other authors’ fiction. Not too much, I think. As I once said, I still see separate scenes from Remus and Sirius’s possible live(s), I don’t narrate a whole story, so I can see one thousand different outcomes. I’m sure I’m very much inspired by other authors, though - it seems I need to read in order to write.
I believe I know what you mean by being afraid of Sirius. His post-Azkaban state is complicated and very demanding to write about. I suppose that was another reason why I took so long to finish Grey.
I’ve read a few notes on dashes and ellipsis in the forum you mentioned, and they seem to confirm my choices. I positively hate double dash and always choose to take the long way and copy-and-paste my favourite long dash from a Word document. I should be able to get a full answer on “had used to” today, so I hope to post it in another comment in the evening.
I prefer first-person in short stories focusing on a single character’s experience - at least in well-written ones (like yours and mine)! That is- That is so much. Thank you.
I see your point about including Remus in this story, and you’re not babbling at all. Yes, Remus does act in the story, but only inasmuch as I need him to trigger Sirius’s reactions. I’m afraid I pretty much used him as my eyes, rather uninterested in his own role in the story. Do you think this, or the fact that I don’t show how he provokes Sirius’s whisper, is wrong for the narration?
I must say I kept looking for the new drabbles, checking your LJ now and then, as I was afraid I could miss the update on my f-list. And nothing. So when I got your letter with the link, I virtually ran for The Snitch :-)
I think I already know what I want to say, I just need to reread the drabbles in peace. I hope to get there by Saturday.
Once again thank you for your wonderful remarks and reassurance.
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Yes, I’ve actually kept checking if you get more comments, since I’m interested in emotions and thoughts evoked by these wonderful pieces in other readers. Now I’ve read the reviews on ff.net and I’m happy you’ve managed to get attention and even regular readers on that site. What is the word-count limit on FA again?
I think you should post both In Your Lap and Stolen Time on remusxsirius, too. You’ll see what happens - and you’ll never be sure why. My stories have always been what I want them to be - at least at the moment I’ve posted them. They’ve been important to me. and I’ve written and edited and sometimes revised them later as well as possible. And I’ve gone on, trying to make ever better stories, even when I’ve been forced to believe that they are not what many people want to spend their time on.
I don’t think it would have contradicted canon too badly, if Remus had seen Sirius sparkle until the very end, regardless of what Harry saw. Still, in my view, the story is better and more poignant when his sparkle is not extinguished only by the veil. Or by a mere coincidence.
I must have said something about this when discussing His Face Shines. I wanted to show - as I wanted to believe together with Remus - that Sirius was recovering. As you saw in the drabble you’ve just reviewed, this year had a positive impact on my Remus (who won’t be like Lupin in HBP). We’ll never know whether Sirius would have recovered well enough to live a long life with some happiness, if Remus had had more time to help him. Still, I’m grateful to you for making me pay more attention to inevitable setbacks, even though they could have been only temporary, if several unfortunate elements had not coincided. Well, perhaps I’m still not ready to believe that Sirius was bound to… disappear.
I’m not sure I’ve been too much afraid of Sirius’s post-Azkaban state, as I’ve dared to tackle his voice in the three LLAL stories as well as in His Face Shines. Instead, I’ve perhaps been humble enough to postpone showing Remus in the immeadiate aftermath of either loss of Sirius. Perhaps I’ll have the courage to touch those times towards the end of Revolt. Or in short stories after several years when nobody cares about my books-one-to-five-consistent Remus.
No, I don’t think it was wrong not to show how Remus tried to provoke the laughter. It didn’t occur to me that anything was missing, until I started to ponder how the story would have looked, if written in the third person. This must be what separates me from the Show Don’t Tell enthusiasts, some of whom condemn all use of first-person narration.
Your narration here is clearly different from my own favourite way of taking the reader to share the first-person protagonist’s current experience in its concrete details. Now my Remus, too, has learnt to write in this way, resorting to present-tense episodes so as to make his memories of the Marauders vivid in Harry’s mind as well. However, in his letters there are still parts with abstract conclusions and summaries of his deeds, like “I tried to…” Sometimes the characters (the writers) can leave it for us to draw the conclusions, and sometimes it’s the right choice to leave it up to us to imagine the details - in my view especially when it would be a bedroom scene or a bathroom scene, while I have tackled Sirius in the bath and Remus on the toilet, too.
I’m looking forward to your comments on the portrait sketches. I trust you’ll inspire me further. Your comment on my very first drabble exceeded all expectations. Thank you again for everything.
Oh, I reply here to the additional comment, too. It seems I end up sticking to the grammatically correct forms I was taught thirty years ago. Perhaps I’m too slow a learner,or too suspicious to follow when everyone else has accepted changes in the language. To be sure to use the right tense, I’d say had sounded, but the other alternative doesn’t sound too bad, either.
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Yes, I am going to post my other fics on remusxsirius. I believe in them, and you’re right: no attention or lack thereof can make me stop writing what I need to write. I’m still writing for myself, even if about someone else’s life. I just felt slightly discouraged, which might have had to do with my general condition at the moment, too. In such moments, however, feedback from the few readers was deeply reassuring. And the curiosity to see what others think has to win :-)
I agree with you: Remus could have seen Sirius’s last minutes quite differently than Harry did. And yet I wanted to include this moment, to let Sirius be human. It’s rewarding that you appreciate my choice.
I think that in His Face Shines… Sirius did seem to be recovering, yes. And yet, although inspired by your images, I show him fall deeper and deeper, until the final Fall appears to be only a natural consequence. Which is a horrible thought (and another excuse for taking so long to finish this fic). I entertain it also in a poem Moria, which I hope to post soon. But I’m not sure whether Sirius could have made it or not. Perhaps with more help from Remus and Harry, and more understanding from Dumbledore, he could have had better conditions to recover. Definitely I don’t want to believe he was bound to disappear.
I touched Remus’s dealing with the two times he loses Sirius only in my very first fic (which I’m proud to have hidden deep in my drawer never to see the light of day again). I expect it is extremely hard to write about these experiences and avoid screaming, instead keeping balance between drama and realism. And on top of that, it means plunging deep into this suffering while writing.
I’m glad you didn’t think anything was missing. Actually, it seems to me I achieved here some blend of the first- and the third-person narration: it is Remus who tells the story, but he himself remains mostly transparent, his emotions hardly ever mentioned. He is completely subordinate to my aim.
I’m afraid I’ve just reread your portrait sketches for the fourth or fifth time and still I can’t comment. I’ll try to include my remarks in the letter, which I hope to send tomorrow.
Thank you again for your help in editing my mistake. I’m inclined to reject most changes in my mother tongue and I also spur the tendency in my attitude towards English. Here I must have had a (hopefully) temporary mental block.
I feel so lucky to receive all this wonderful feedback from you. Thank you so much &hearts
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