it's funny.
life, that is.
i'm home for the 4th christmas since "leaving home" and it doesn't get any easier with my parents. i hate the whole cliched life most young girls lead - they don't get along with their parents which turns to angst and rebellion and blah blah blah...and i don't know why i've resorted to writing in my livejournal, which i've virtually stopped using...but alas, here i am.
it's taken so much to get me to where i am. i can see something that looks like happiness and it's right within my reach. usually, i'm the one standing in the way of that happiness, i figure out why, then i step out of the way and allow myself the solitude that i deserve after 21 years of on and off again depression and anxiety. but when i'm home, it's sooo different. i'm surrounded by people with no desire to be happy and i don't understand that anymore. . i can't believe i lived here. i mean, i can. it explains a lot, now that i've gone out there and been around people that know how to deal with life. i don't know how to deal with life right now. i'm working on it, but it takes time.
what i'm saying is....and this is SO BAD...do you ever wonder if you really love your parents? god i'm a horrible person...but i don't know if i do. i try to talk to my mom and dad about things and they put a wall up. they don't want to hear it, but they need to. how can you love someone if they're not open to you? is it possible to love someone, an emotion that i associate with the heart and soul, when you can't see the other person's heart and soul. i spent my whole life listening to arguements, hearing my mother badger my father about mistakes he made that she'll never forgive him for, and i never said anything. i went numb and then it all exploded. is that my fault? i'm trying so hard not to blame them, but honestly...i can't help but notice a drastic change in my personality when i'm in raleigh and when i'm home in greensboro.
i started getting therapy last semester and it's been so wonderful. i didn't know i was allowed to forgive myself for mistakes i've made...again, the family, not so forgiving. and honestly, i didn't realize my childhood affected me as much as it did until i actually opened up my heart and started talking about it. i mean, my god, a whole WORLD opened up to me....reasons why it's so hard for me to trust men, trust myself, trust ANYONE, let things go, why i cut my arms, why i made myself throw up for 2 years, why, why, why...my parents wanted me to talk to someone, but now that i have, they're upset that they might have done something to cause whatever "problems" i have. i don't resent them for being the way that i am, i just wish they'd figure out a way to be happy. because i'm constantly working on myself and at the end of the day, i'm proud of who i've become. i'm smart, pretty, i have a good heart, a great boyfriend and best friend, and i'm passionate about life and everything that it has to offer...sincerely, that's how i feel. when i come home, none of that seems to matter. this place is like a dark hole and it's so sad. there are so many scars that want to heal over, but no one is letting them. i try so hard to say what i feel, but they're both sensitive, that they refuse to listen. instead, they put up a wall so high, that i can't even see the sky anymore...i have no hope, whatsoever. i've suggested counciling to my mom, but she won't do it unless my dad does...and at this point, she just needs to take care of herself. she's so unhappy.
at this point, i'm glad i'm graduating. i'm glad i'm doing something with my life and with what i've worked so hard on for the past 4 years. i'm happy to have a career and have a family. i want to instill so many values in my children that i weren't instilled in me. i want my children to mess up every single day and know that it's ok. i never want them to hear me screaming and yelling. i just want them to be happy and know how important happiness is. i didn't know how important happiness was until i was around people who were. it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders...people can just....be happy? what? they can let go of issues from the past, forgive one another, and live their life? once i learned that, baby, there was no stopping me.......until, that is, i come back to raleigh.
i know that life is hard and situations like this are put in front of us for a reason. i'll learn from this...i guess i just needed to get this out. without someone putting a wall up or interrupting me...without yelling or screaming. and maybe people will actually read this and actually hear me. sometimes, i just need to be heard. it took me so long to believe that the thoughts in my head were important enough to be shared. i never want to think that my mind is irrelevent.
ugh...happy new years everyone! i mean that from the bottom of my heart - make it a good one!
xo,
ash
i'm home for the 4th christmas since "leaving home" and it doesn't get any easier with my parents. i hate the whole cliched life most young girls lead - they don't get along with their parents which turns to angst and rebellion and blah blah blah...and i don't know why i've resorted to writing in my livejournal, which i've virtually stopped using...but alas, here i am.
it's taken so much to get me to where i am. i can see something that looks like happiness and it's right within my reach. usually, i'm the one standing in the way of that happiness, i figure out why, then i step out of the way and allow myself the solitude that i deserve after 21 years of on and off again depression and anxiety. but when i'm home, it's sooo different. i'm surrounded by people with no desire to be happy and i don't understand that anymore. . i can't believe i lived here. i mean, i can. it explains a lot, now that i've gone out there and been around people that know how to deal with life. i don't know how to deal with life right now. i'm working on it, but it takes time.
what i'm saying is....and this is SO BAD...do you ever wonder if you really love your parents? god i'm a horrible person...but i don't know if i do. i try to talk to my mom and dad about things and they put a wall up. they don't want to hear it, but they need to. how can you love someone if they're not open to you? is it possible to love someone, an emotion that i associate with the heart and soul, when you can't see the other person's heart and soul. i spent my whole life listening to arguements, hearing my mother badger my father about mistakes he made that she'll never forgive him for, and i never said anything. i went numb and then it all exploded. is that my fault? i'm trying so hard not to blame them, but honestly...i can't help but notice a drastic change in my personality when i'm in raleigh and when i'm home in greensboro.
i started getting therapy last semester and it's been so wonderful. i didn't know i was allowed to forgive myself for mistakes i've made...again, the family, not so forgiving. and honestly, i didn't realize my childhood affected me as much as it did until i actually opened up my heart and started talking about it. i mean, my god, a whole WORLD opened up to me....reasons why it's so hard for me to trust men, trust myself, trust ANYONE, let things go, why i cut my arms, why i made myself throw up for 2 years, why, why, why...my parents wanted me to talk to someone, but now that i have, they're upset that they might have done something to cause whatever "problems" i have. i don't resent them for being the way that i am, i just wish they'd figure out a way to be happy. because i'm constantly working on myself and at the end of the day, i'm proud of who i've become. i'm smart, pretty, i have a good heart, a great boyfriend and best friend, and i'm passionate about life and everything that it has to offer...sincerely, that's how i feel. when i come home, none of that seems to matter. this place is like a dark hole and it's so sad. there are so many scars that want to heal over, but no one is letting them. i try so hard to say what i feel, but they're both sensitive, that they refuse to listen. instead, they put up a wall so high, that i can't even see the sky anymore...i have no hope, whatsoever. i've suggested counciling to my mom, but she won't do it unless my dad does...and at this point, she just needs to take care of herself. she's so unhappy.
at this point, i'm glad i'm graduating. i'm glad i'm doing something with my life and with what i've worked so hard on for the past 4 years. i'm happy to have a career and have a family. i want to instill so many values in my children that i weren't instilled in me. i want my children to mess up every single day and know that it's ok. i never want them to hear me screaming and yelling. i just want them to be happy and know how important happiness is. i didn't know how important happiness was until i was around people who were. it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders...people can just....be happy? what? they can let go of issues from the past, forgive one another, and live their life? once i learned that, baby, there was no stopping me.......until, that is, i come back to raleigh.
i know that life is hard and situations like this are put in front of us for a reason. i'll learn from this...i guess i just needed to get this out. without someone putting a wall up or interrupting me...without yelling or screaming. and maybe people will actually read this and actually hear me. sometimes, i just need to be heard. it took me so long to believe that the thoughts in my head were important enough to be shared. i never want to think that my mind is irrelevent.
ugh...happy new years everyone! i mean that from the bottom of my heart - make it a good one!
xo,
ash