A life evaluation
[x] today, i spent 8 hours thinking about one thing: my life. more specifically than that, where i am at, and getting even more specific, where i would like to be. i've come to several conclusions, many of which explain my constant state of unhappiness/depression.
>> conclusion 1: since i graduated highschool three years ago, i have been living a mediocre life. i have simply been floating along doing what is necessary to live...i havent really moved forward at all. i went to UAB for two semesters and pretty much dicked around and wasted time/money. now that i am older, i have a great appreciation for learning. lately, all i have been wanting to do is learn and progress, to feel useful and accomplished. as sad as this may sound, i miss writing papers, taking notes, and actually thinking! this problem shall be fixed soon.
>> conclusion 2: fuck what other people think. fuck what's "cool" or "trendy". i've realized that the only way to live and live happily and productively is if you forget what other people think and become and individual. don't waste what little time you have on earth trying to impress people who really do not matter at all.
>> conclusion 3: i've been thinking a lot about the future. i've realized that a lot of my problems have stemmed out of me not thinking about where i would like to be. i instead think of 'ok what's working right now'. in doing this thinking, i've started to realize that what i thought i once wanted to pursue probably isn't the best option for me, and instead i must pursue the other. i've also realized that the two simply can not co-exist.
>> conclusion 4: i've also realized that all the little things that are stuck in the back of my head, the things that i think about and say 'hey i would really like to do that', are the things that will truly make me happy. things like learning a new language, learning the piano, learning how to read sheet music, learning music theory, reading, painting, drawing, etc...are the things i need to be doing in order to have a more fulfilling life. instead, i have constantly put these things off...not anymore. i honestly do have quite a bit of raw, natural talent in these areas...i just don't nourish it. why? because i am a dumbass.
[x] so this week has been pretty decent so far...i haven't watched tv since sometime saturday afternoon...i've been listening to classical music. it's quite amazing as to how clearly you think when you get rid of a lot of unneccesary distractions. think about it: how many hours of life have we wasted sitting in front of a tv when we could be doing something far more productive. that thought hit me like a ton of bricks today.
[x] i've also been thinking about relationships, more specifically dating relationships. it has been about two years since i had an actual relationship with some length, and, unfortunately, it went down in flames and pretty much destroyed me emotionally for a while there. to be honest, ive realized that i am a very scared and nervous individual when it comes to dating. i hate rejection. i think it stems back to my parents/childhood years (my reclusiveness) right now i really dont have many prospects at all. there is one girl who really has my attention, however, i'm not really too sure what she thinks of me. i really like her personality...and it makes me happy to hear her voice. i really like the sound of it. she's very upbeat. i like that. we have a lot in common too. i am just really afraid of messing it up (whatever 'it' may be). and there is another girl i dont really know too well. she intrigues me though.
well this was long and probably boring to most, but i felt the need to put these thoughts into writing.
>> conclusion 1: since i graduated highschool three years ago, i have been living a mediocre life. i have simply been floating along doing what is necessary to live...i havent really moved forward at all. i went to UAB for two semesters and pretty much dicked around and wasted time/money. now that i am older, i have a great appreciation for learning. lately, all i have been wanting to do is learn and progress, to feel useful and accomplished. as sad as this may sound, i miss writing papers, taking notes, and actually thinking! this problem shall be fixed soon.
>> conclusion 2: fuck what other people think. fuck what's "cool" or "trendy". i've realized that the only way to live and live happily and productively is if you forget what other people think and become and individual. don't waste what little time you have on earth trying to impress people who really do not matter at all.
>> conclusion 3: i've been thinking a lot about the future. i've realized that a lot of my problems have stemmed out of me not thinking about where i would like to be. i instead think of 'ok what's working right now'. in doing this thinking, i've started to realize that what i thought i once wanted to pursue probably isn't the best option for me, and instead i must pursue the other. i've also realized that the two simply can not co-exist.
>> conclusion 4: i've also realized that all the little things that are stuck in the back of my head, the things that i think about and say 'hey i would really like to do that', are the things that will truly make me happy. things like learning a new language, learning the piano, learning how to read sheet music, learning music theory, reading, painting, drawing, etc...are the things i need to be doing in order to have a more fulfilling life. instead, i have constantly put these things off...not anymore. i honestly do have quite a bit of raw, natural talent in these areas...i just don't nourish it. why? because i am a dumbass.
[x] so this week has been pretty decent so far...i haven't watched tv since sometime saturday afternoon...i've been listening to classical music. it's quite amazing as to how clearly you think when you get rid of a lot of unneccesary distractions. think about it: how many hours of life have we wasted sitting in front of a tv when we could be doing something far more productive. that thought hit me like a ton of bricks today.
[x] i've also been thinking about relationships, more specifically dating relationships. it has been about two years since i had an actual relationship with some length, and, unfortunately, it went down in flames and pretty much destroyed me emotionally for a while there. to be honest, ive realized that i am a very scared and nervous individual when it comes to dating. i hate rejection. i think it stems back to my parents/childhood years (my reclusiveness) right now i really dont have many prospects at all. there is one girl who really has my attention, however, i'm not really too sure what she thinks of me. i really like her personality...and it makes me happy to hear her voice. i really like the sound of it. she's very upbeat. i like that. we have a lot in common too. i am just really afraid of messing it up (whatever 'it' may be). and there is another girl i dont really know too well. she intrigues me though.
well this was long and probably boring to most, but i felt the need to put these thoughts into writing.