I found myself swimming in your mouth...
Two thousand and ten has been a year of surprises and mostly, I have surprised myself. I have pushed my limits over the edge to then wrap them about myself tightly, once again. I am no more comfortable in my skin than I was this time last year but I know that I can break almost all the way the way through and still survive. There is hope for me yet.
I went back to school and I took the academic world by storm. Me, a drop out. The girl that went to high school for barely two years and only went as a social experiment. I proved to myself that I can conquer when I apply myself, even after a decade has gone by. A perfect 4.0GPA and even after the second and third quarter exhausted me and burned me through at both ends, I still came out on top with a 3.6GPA. I barely tried the third quarter and had to drop the fourth and yet still, I'm ahead.
Through one financial crisis after another, I kept proving that I am resourceful, creative and almost magical. I pull rabbits out of hats and they have dollars, son. After the initial freak out, I kept calm and pulled through. I proved that it's better to work hard, but it's better to work smarter. I also proved that for the people I love, I will keep my head under water to keep them from drowning. And I can hold my breath for a very long time, living on barely nothing. It's when I'm happiest, actually.
I have met great people that make me truly smile and I have had private moments of peace and joy. I have followed my own rules and when I've fallen, it's been my own doing and for that I have handfuls of pride. Even through the roughest of times, I have been true to myself, even when the truth was ugly and unworthy. I bought a car, I paid bills, I cut my hair, and slowly, I found things that made me happy, even if for a little while.
But it hasn't all been positive surprises, my friend. I am the worst kind of friend and I am not made to be someone's girlfriend. I'm too unpredictable, too anti-social, too self-involved and prone to heart break of the highest degree. I put my parents first, always, and that, always, creates a conflict in my other relationships. I am private about my pain and I am the least trusting person and that doesn't do when people are trying to get close to you. I accept now that I am looking for something, in both my amicable and romantic relationships, that doesn't exist and I will no longer even think of settling. Until I find someone that ignites a spark within me, I am blessed on my own. This way, I will have a clear enough head to keep my friends close to my heart and in my arms.
This year, my body continued it's unhealthy decline and I spent days suffering through unspeakable pain, alone. I have medicated and numbed myself, willing my mind to shut off, and in doing so I have lost days and nights. I sought oblivion as sanctuary was denied me and oblivion is what I found. At the bottom of a bottle, with a handful of pills, with the breaking of limbs. There were moments this past year that black outs were welcome as an alternative to my working reality. Self-destruction is my release, and everyone needs a way out, some room to breathe.
Also, this was the year that I was deceived and skinned alive. Honestly? I lost myself, completely. There were days that I didn't get out of bed, and then when I looked in the mirror, I had no idea who was looking back at me. I walked around the house like a ghost, running my fingers over my things and wondering who had bought them. Who were those things for? I had to learn to be myself all over again and whereas I'm still limping through my personality, whereas I am still dreaming of broken things and I'm still haunted by dirty loves, I am recovering. My dreams have been uncovered for what they were and my hopes and wishes were thrown away and when I have healed enough, I will have to decide what my new set of desires are, which pains me to no end, but when that moment comes, I hope I have enough grace to take it as an opportunity to reinvent myself and my future.
I am in mourning, for the people and pieces that I've lost. Those that were never mine to begin with. Those that belonged to me all too briefly. Those songs and movies and books and places that I loved but can no longer bare to remember. This year has several gems of happiness to remember one day but for right now, a big can of black paint has been thrown over them and it'll take me a while to clean them off. A long time will pass before my soul is somewhat clean and clear of the India ink and tar that bathes it. But I am hopeful, that day will come; it has to. Maybe it won't be in 2011 but I am okay with that, after all, I am not afraid of the darkness I carry inside of me anymore.
Two thousand and eleven will bring more academic successes and failures, more drama with friends and potential lovers. It will bring more financial strife and moments of pure happiness. I hope that 2011 is the year I heal. I hope that 2011 is the year I succeed. I hope that 2011 is the year that I come alive because 2010 was the year that I kind of, sorta, almost died.
I went back to school and I took the academic world by storm. Me, a drop out. The girl that went to high school for barely two years and only went as a social experiment. I proved to myself that I can conquer when I apply myself, even after a decade has gone by. A perfect 4.0GPA and even after the second and third quarter exhausted me and burned me through at both ends, I still came out on top with a 3.6GPA. I barely tried the third quarter and had to drop the fourth and yet still, I'm ahead.
Through one financial crisis after another, I kept proving that I am resourceful, creative and almost magical. I pull rabbits out of hats and they have dollars, son. After the initial freak out, I kept calm and pulled through. I proved that it's better to work hard, but it's better to work smarter. I also proved that for the people I love, I will keep my head under water to keep them from drowning. And I can hold my breath for a very long time, living on barely nothing. It's when I'm happiest, actually.
I have met great people that make me truly smile and I have had private moments of peace and joy. I have followed my own rules and when I've fallen, it's been my own doing and for that I have handfuls of pride. Even through the roughest of times, I have been true to myself, even when the truth was ugly and unworthy. I bought a car, I paid bills, I cut my hair, and slowly, I found things that made me happy, even if for a little while.
But it hasn't all been positive surprises, my friend. I am the worst kind of friend and I am not made to be someone's girlfriend. I'm too unpredictable, too anti-social, too self-involved and prone to heart break of the highest degree. I put my parents first, always, and that, always, creates a conflict in my other relationships. I am private about my pain and I am the least trusting person and that doesn't do when people are trying to get close to you. I accept now that I am looking for something, in both my amicable and romantic relationships, that doesn't exist and I will no longer even think of settling. Until I find someone that ignites a spark within me, I am blessed on my own. This way, I will have a clear enough head to keep my friends close to my heart and in my arms.
This year, my body continued it's unhealthy decline and I spent days suffering through unspeakable pain, alone. I have medicated and numbed myself, willing my mind to shut off, and in doing so I have lost days and nights. I sought oblivion as sanctuary was denied me and oblivion is what I found. At the bottom of a bottle, with a handful of pills, with the breaking of limbs. There were moments this past year that black outs were welcome as an alternative to my working reality. Self-destruction is my release, and everyone needs a way out, some room to breathe.
Also, this was the year that I was deceived and skinned alive. Honestly? I lost myself, completely. There were days that I didn't get out of bed, and then when I looked in the mirror, I had no idea who was looking back at me. I walked around the house like a ghost, running my fingers over my things and wondering who had bought them. Who were those things for? I had to learn to be myself all over again and whereas I'm still limping through my personality, whereas I am still dreaming of broken things and I'm still haunted by dirty loves, I am recovering. My dreams have been uncovered for what they were and my hopes and wishes were thrown away and when I have healed enough, I will have to decide what my new set of desires are, which pains me to no end, but when that moment comes, I hope I have enough grace to take it as an opportunity to reinvent myself and my future.
I am in mourning, for the people and pieces that I've lost. Those that were never mine to begin with. Those that belonged to me all too briefly. Those songs and movies and books and places that I loved but can no longer bare to remember. This year has several gems of happiness to remember one day but for right now, a big can of black paint has been thrown over them and it'll take me a while to clean them off. A long time will pass before my soul is somewhat clean and clear of the India ink and tar that bathes it. But I am hopeful, that day will come; it has to. Maybe it won't be in 2011 but I am okay with that, after all, I am not afraid of the darkness I carry inside of me anymore.
Two thousand and eleven will bring more academic successes and failures, more drama with friends and potential lovers. It will bring more financial strife and moments of pure happiness. I hope that 2011 is the year I heal. I hope that 2011 is the year I succeed. I hope that 2011 is the year that I come alive because 2010 was the year that I kind of, sorta, almost died.