This Silence Is Deafening
There was a speck of hope on Saturday, but it didn't last long. I'm torn in half. Half of me feels an odd mixture of broken and numb, while the other half of me is very calm and rational. I didn't want a relationship with him, and that's exactly what I'm getting. Be careful what you wish for, ladies and gentlemen. I should have learned that lesson by now. I sent him a long text explaining that I just wanted him to be happy and if he could accept what I was telling him, then I could always be there for him. He hasn't responded. I'm a crazy mess, as predicted.
I feel like I'm always waiting. I really hate waiting.
The emotional roller coaster of the past couple of weeks have made me face terrible facts about myself, and I'm having the hardest time vocalizing them. I miss the late night conversations I had with DC, before Life got in the way. I miss being so into someone that the time spent talking to them passes by so slowly, where the seconds feel like years and the connection feels unbreakable. I miss having a man in my life, a man that I can have those epic conversations with. I miss finding a man that I think is perfect for me. I miss the ways DC was perfect for me. I miss that fire, that spark, that special dynamic that gets my blood pumping. I feel like this was my last chance. There's such an innocence in my relationship with DC, and I think it's because I still feel like that girl of fifteen when I talk to him. Yet, there are those moments where I also feel like a worldly woman of thirty, it's an intoxicating combination. I miss how easy it used to be for me, to open myself up to someone. I feel like I'm finally jaded enough that I only view men as one-night options. I miss his laugh, and the pet names he used to call me. I miss our particular brand of sexual tension. I miss his random phone calls. I fear that our friendship has been put up on hiatus, again. I want him to be in my life, I hate feeling like I'm always feeling like I'm losing him. I hate feeling like I have no right to him. I hate that I fell in love with him again and I can't even begin to think of how I'm going to fall out of it.
He's officially heartbreak #4. I've never cried over DC before -- it took me almost fourteen years.
I feel like this was my last chance. I feel like I've used up all of my great love cards. I feel like I've just lost the greatest one.
I feel like I'm always waiting. I really hate waiting.
The emotional roller coaster of the past couple of weeks have made me face terrible facts about myself, and I'm having the hardest time vocalizing them. I miss the late night conversations I had with DC, before Life got in the way. I miss being so into someone that the time spent talking to them passes by so slowly, where the seconds feel like years and the connection feels unbreakable. I miss having a man in my life, a man that I can have those epic conversations with. I miss finding a man that I think is perfect for me. I miss the ways DC was perfect for me. I miss that fire, that spark, that special dynamic that gets my blood pumping. I feel like this was my last chance. There's such an innocence in my relationship with DC, and I think it's because I still feel like that girl of fifteen when I talk to him. Yet, there are those moments where I also feel like a worldly woman of thirty, it's an intoxicating combination. I miss how easy it used to be for me, to open myself up to someone. I feel like I'm finally jaded enough that I only view men as one-night options. I miss his laugh, and the pet names he used to call me. I miss our particular brand of sexual tension. I miss his random phone calls. I fear that our friendship has been put up on hiatus, again. I want him to be in my life, I hate feeling like I'm always feeling like I'm losing him. I hate feeling like I have no right to him. I hate that I fell in love with him again and I can't even begin to think of how I'm going to fall out of it.
He's officially heartbreak #4. I've never cried over DC before -- it took me almost fourteen years.
I feel like this was my last chance. I feel like I've used up all of my great love cards. I feel like I've just lost the greatest one.