More Than I Thought Could Exist
My head felt heavy today. I have had a headache, right behind my eyes, that no matter what I do, I can't shake it. I feel myself approaching a crossroads with DC and the more I try to talk out my options, the more torn I feel. Everyone has an opinion of what I should do, and all of them are relevant, however I haven't heard the right one yet. I have a sneaking suspicion I already know what I need to do. I also have a feeling that it's something I'm not going to want to do.
My heart's a mess. My head's a mess.
And because I'm so in my own head, I answered positively to Nicole's invitation for some girl talk. We ended the night at Big Sal's and though I had an amazing time, I kept looking at my phone, at his contact info, with this feeling in my chest. This heavy, heavy feeling.
I told Nicole about my declaration to DC and she was shocked. She knows me as a woman that doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve, as a woman that doesn't get taken with men. She was there at work the next day after Kevin threw me away. She was there the morning after I had my first one night stand after him. She was there at work after I miscarried. Her surprise brought out in stark relief, this habit I have of keeping everyone at arm's length. And because of her shock, I evaluated the opportunity to admit the one thing I have skirted around all of these years.
I love him.
I love DC. After all this time, how could I not? I am perpetually falling in and out of love with him.
And I have to let him go.
My heart's a mess. My head's a mess.
And because I'm so in my own head, I answered positively to Nicole's invitation for some girl talk. We ended the night at Big Sal's and though I had an amazing time, I kept looking at my phone, at his contact info, with this feeling in my chest. This heavy, heavy feeling.
I told Nicole about my declaration to DC and she was shocked. She knows me as a woman that doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve, as a woman that doesn't get taken with men. She was there at work the next day after Kevin threw me away. She was there the morning after I had my first one night stand after him. She was there at work after I miscarried. Her surprise brought out in stark relief, this habit I have of keeping everyone at arm's length. And because of her shock, I evaluated the opportunity to admit the one thing I have skirted around all of these years.
I love him.
I love DC. After all this time, how could I not? I am perpetually falling in and out of love with him.
And I have to let him go.