RP Log with cameronpreston | Rescue Mission
Cameron was having one of those days where everything just felt hard and lethargic. After not sleeping so well, he woke up really early, only to be met with the sound of Pat and Aiden getting it on when he slowly made his way to the bathroom for a pee. They bloody got an early start the mornings they had to work, and it just served to make Cameron cranky that sex wasn't anywhere on his menu. Not that he would deny his brother after all the issues he had recently, but still. Cameron had a pee and went back to bed, putting the pillow over his ears and somehow managing to pass out cold again. The second time he woke up, it was after eleven in the morning, and he realised he must have really gone into a deep sleep. He didn't feel so groggy now, but his knee was hurting. He slept funny and all he wanted was a hot shower to try and get some circulation back in his leg.
There was a chair in the shower so he could sit, having to take the brace off so it didn't get wet. Today, he was grateful it was there and it was tempting to just sit there in the hot water for hours. He knew somewhere in the huge house Iz was there. She had been there for a few days now, and things were okay. There wasn't really any tension, even if it did feel weird for him knowing that she was staying in the room she cheated on him in. He mostly avoided it, and the subject. A lot of the time Pat or Aiden were there as a buffer, anyway, or there was visitors. It could have been worse. A whole lot worse.
He had to reluctantly shut the shower off and get out so he didn't turn into a prune. He shut the taps off and was standing in the cubicle, reaching up for his towel hanging over the top of the glass when everything suddenly felt like it was going in slow motion. His foot of his good leg slipped on the wet tiles and before he even had a chance to grab for something to stop it, he slipped and fell hard onto his side... onto his injured knee. He cried out probably more in shock than pain, but in the wake of it, the pain set in with a vengeance and he was close to tears as he gritted his teeth. He was scared to even touch his leg in case it wasn't connected to him or something. He was stuck, and it really, really sucked.
Isabel had been working her way towards the bathroom until she realised Cameron must have been in there having a shower. The sex noises from Pat and Aiden's room hadn't been lost on her either, and she was tempted to get the vibrator out and satisfy herself, only it was never going to be the same. She wanted proper, man on woman, sweaty limbs, passionate sex. And instead she opted for Ben & Jerry's. The boys had been kind enough to let her use most of their freezer space for her ice cream, realising it wasn't smart to argue with a pregnant woman. She was starting to find it harder to get around given the bulk she was carrying, so her journey back from the kitchen to her room was slow going. Her stupid room that she wished to god she could rewrite history in. It was hard not to think of cheating on Cam with James, and the nights were hard to sleep through when all she wanted to do was cry, or wallow in her emotions and hormones. But Pat had wanted her to stay, and it was enough for her.
It was while she was passing the bathroom that she heard Cameron cry out, and Iz paused. It was possible that he'd just jerked his knee in a bad way, and that nothing had really happened, but a chill ran down her spine and she set the ice cream down on a nearby end table before she knocked on the door. "Cam? Cam, it's Izzy. Are you okay? Do you want some help?"
Cameron wondered for a moment if maybe he hit his head, because he felt hazy. It was probably just the pain, though, and he had knocked the wind out of him when he fell, so his chest felt tight. Tears pricked his eyes and there was preventing it when they escaped. Something had to give, right? He gritted his teeth and tried to move, but a bolt of red hot pain shot through his knee and a hoarse gasp fell from his lips. "Iz... it's just... shit," he cursed, taking some deep breaths to try and pull himself together. The jury was out whether she would even be able to help him, too. She couldn't even see her feet by this point. Pat and Aiden would both be gone. Lachlan was probably the next best thing if there was no one else to help him get up, but there wasn't exactly a phone in easy reach. "I think I need some help," he had to relent.
Iz instantly pushed open the door, not even knocking. If Cameron was naked, it wasn't like she hadn't seen it all before. She gasped when she saw him on the floor, and waddled over to where he was. "Jesus, Cameron..." She tried to look down his body to check he was all in one piece. His injured leg looked a little crooked, but she wasn't sure if it was just her, or if it was how it was supposed to be. "Just, um, hang on... I need to work out how I'm going to get you up." Izzy bit her lip, looking around the bathroom to see if anything jumped out at her. How she was she supposed to lift him up off the ground when she wasn't even sure about getting herself up off the bed half the time. She saw the chair in the shower and considered moving it, but realised she couldn't move it without moving Cameron first.
Iz manoeuvred herself to the edge of the bath tub, and sat down as she leaned forward to reach for Cameron. "We're just going to have to do this one step at a time, okay? Because I can't stand and lift you, so first we'll get you sitting, and then we'll get us both standing. Somehow. What about your leg? Is it okay?"
"I don't know," Cameron admitted in a hoarse voice. He swallowed, trying to brace himself. This was going to fucking hurt no matter what, and the anxiety of that was making him feel slightly sick. "I thought you could just call someone to help... or something. I dunno. I didn't manage to think that far." It hadn't actually passed through the shock that he was naked. He didn't really care about that, he just had that feeling of dread he might have just really made a bad move. He managed to shift, and slowly get himself into a sitting position, but he was panting and out of breath by the time he did, the shower defunct now because he was covered in a sweat of exertion. He rubbed a hand over his face and then grabbed the edge of the shower cubicle and reached for her hand. "Stay sitting. We can't have you fallen over too, it'll be... it can't happen. Just stay there. I just need to pull myself up with your hand."
Iz slid her fingers around his wrist so her grip was stronger, and her green eyes stayed fixed on his as she watched his every move. She was so frustrated that even if something went wrong, she probably wouldn't be quick enough to rescue him. She really would have to go call someone. She really did hate that right now there wasn't anything she could do to help him other than just sit there and offer her hand. She reached out to offer her other hand in case he needed that as well, and braced her feet as best she could so she was prepared to take his weight. "Not much of a rescue crew, am I? I probably should have called someone, but I guess I wasn't even thinking. I just thought I'd be able to help. I can't get used to being so useless."
Cameron was trying to work up to moving more. He had his lips pressed together and was still sucking in some sharp breaths. "It's okay... better if I can do it on my own, anyway. Lachlan's... the baby's got a cold. He doesn't need to be dragging in out in this weather. Aiden's in New York, Pat's in surgeries all day... I can't think of anyone else right now. I can't think straight." He probably wouldn't even remember how he managed to get himself up, but did. He wouldn't have been able to do it without Izzy, though. He was more than aware of that. He managed to get seated on the closed toilet seat and pulled a towel into his lap, but it's as far as he could manage before the pain just got too much and he leaned forward, clutching at his thigh because touching his knee was impossible. Silent tears dripped down his face while he just tried to ride out the wave of agony and he soon managed to draw in a shaky breath and glanced up at her. "I think I might need some Tylenol and a stiff drink."
Isabel was off the bathtub as soon as Cameron had got himself onto the toilet seat, and reached out to brush the tears from his face, her expression still one of concern as she watched him. "You don't have to think, sweetheart. It's what... friends are for. I'll do the thinking for you as best I can. The drink isn't going to mess with any medication, is it? I think I should call a doctor, too. Do you have one of your own? They can make house calls, right? Because I don't think either of us are capable of getting in a car." She bent down and kissed his forehead softly. "I'll be right back, okay? I promise. Just let me get the phone, the Tylenol, and the drink."
"No, no," Cameron jumped in, realising he was shivering from the shock of slipping over. "I mean, I have a doctor, but they don't need to be called. It'll be fine. I just need to get the brace back on and put it up a little. Right now, I'll be happy for the booze to mess with the medication. Being high has got to be better than this." He dared to peel his hands away from his leg and look down at his knee. It was an odd reddish colour, almost like the skin was burned, and it was swollen. No way was he getting the brace back on that. He was trying desperately not to panic for freak out, but the sight was terrifying the hell out of him. All those months of hard rehab and physio might have just gone down the shitter. "I feel sick," he admitted in a small voice, the emotions all twisting together, not sure what he was supposed to think.
"Cameron," Izzy whispered softly, changing her mind as she stuck close to him, and rest her hands on his arms as she started to rub them to help him with the shivers. "Cameron, you're in shock. You're bound to feel sick. And it's okay. You're allowed to be, you're allowed to just work through this. You don't need to be strong right now. You've hurt yourself, and you're in pain... I'm going to do whatever I can, okay? But I need to call a doctor. I'd rather be safe than sorry. Please, Cam. I can't watch you suffer like this."
Obviously Cameron's first inner reaction was to want Pat. It was always the way when something went wrong. But he knew that Izzy wasn't a bad second option, not at all. He was glad he wasn't alone, because he was admittedly scared. Maybe even more scared than the original accident because he knew his prognosis had already been precarious. He just wasn't sure he was ready to deal with the outcome just yet. He wanted to bury his head in the sand and pretend nothing had happened. He absent-mindedly wrapped the towel around his waist, even if it was twisted and didn't actually serve much purpose. "I'll just... I'll... try some ice... and some painkillers..." It was at least worth a shot. He was convincing himself he had just twisted it and it would be fine if he got it up.
Iz pushed his wet hair back from his face, and looked at the pain lines etched into it. She really did feel helpless right then. And ridiculously big. Luckily she was managing not to poke him with her stomach so far. She would have felt better getting a doctor, and was still contemplating whether she could call one on the sly, but she had no idea who his doctor was, or where the number would be. "Alright, but I still think you should get it checked out. I'll be back, okay? Right back... I'm still here." Izzy leaned back down so she could bring her eyes level with his. "I'm not leaving you."
Cameron grabbed for Izzy's hand again, not even realising how tight he managed to get the grip. "Wait. Where are you are going?" he found himself asking, which took him by surprise, but if he stopped to analyse it right now, he would probably lose it. His eyes, still damp, were locked on hers as he swallowed again, and then he looked down at their joined hands. He wanted to tell himself it was just because he was in agony and didn't want to be alone, but he wasn't a fool. He wasn't deluded, he was just really good at stamping down his true feelings and concealing them to protect himself. Just like his twin brother. When she cheated on him, he had been furious and hurt, he hadn't ever wanted to see her again or speak to her. But that didn't mean the feelings he had for her stopped and just switched off. He just knew he couldn't stay on them any more because she had made her choice, and now he was scared to need her again.
Iz was surprised when Cameron reached for her hand, and she froze as she looked at him, searching his eyes for a long moment. She couldn't work out at first if it was the injury and pain causing him to start to panic, or if there was something more behind it. She knew she would never be able to make up the cheating to him. She was half expecting to be paying for it for the rest of her life, but that didn't stop her loving him. She'd made the biggest mistake she could, and she kicked herself mentally for it every day. Iz moved in a little closer to him, and used her free hand to cup his face as she rubbed her thumb against his cheek. She had to shift to sit down on the edge of the tub near the toilet, but still kept a hold of his hand. "I don't have to go anywhere, sweetheart. I'll stay right by your side."
Cameron had heard that before, but this time he didn't want to cringe when she said it or get out of her presence ASAP. Not that he could. He needed to just sit here for a bit longer before he could even think about moving. He was feeling nauseous from the pain, but he had gotten to the point where pain was just expected. He had stopped even wondering if he would ever not be in pain, and just wasted energy stressing over other things probably as equally out of his control. He didn't even know what he was doing anymore, or what he was supposed to be doing, or what he could do to try and stop getting hurt again. Then he wasn't even sure what he was hurting over anymore, especially when he was a spectator to Pat's relationship and how hard that could be by no force of their own. He didn't know if he would regret it or not, but he forced himself to stop thinking even just for a few moments and leaned in to kiss her.
Iz wasn't sure at first if she was even allowed to kiss him back. Every time he'd kissed her she'd had that same hesitation while her heart skipped a beat, and wanted her to immediately kiss him back. She switched off her brain, and listened to her heart as she kissed him back, making sure she kept it gentle, and followed his lead. She could feel a lump grow in her throat, and fought the sudden urge to cry. Her free hand rest on his arm, and her fingers curled around his bicep as she braced herself. A soft moan escaped before she could stop it, and she just hoped it wasn't enough to spook him.
Cameron still felt a little strange, and still harboured some feelings that he would never be able to live up to what she valued in James. He was never going to be James, and probably never even be like him, and he feared that he would forever be sub-par if he relented and gave her a second chance. No one had actually told him he should, all they had coaxed him with was accepting the kids as his, and he had done that, even if it was a slow process for him. All this, he was in a realm of his own. He knew that Pat, or Lachlan, or anyone would tell him to give Izzy a second chance because they were his feelings and his heart that had been hurt in the whole process. He pulled out of the kiss and closed his eyes briefly. It wasn't an ideal situation, he knew that. In fact, it downright sucked, but sometimes it was the suck that could help you see the forest through the trees. He did suddenly start to feel extremely exposed and vulnerable. He was naked, she wasn't, and the towel really was only just bunched up in his lap. For a heavy few moments, he just felt plain lost and confused. "I... just..." But words failed him, and instead he drew his lips between his teeth and gradually met her eyes again.
Iz tried to subtly lick her lips after the kiss as she savoured his taste that still lingered there, maintaining eye contact as she gave him a small smile. She had made sure after their last talk that he never felt like she expected anything from him. She had been prepared to wait however long, and still was. He wasn't James, and she didn't want him to be. She wanted Cameron for Cameron. That was all, and it wasn't anything he would probably believe any time soon. She had forgotten he was naked, not even thinking about it while she was concerned about his leg, but now her gaze dipped down briefly, and she tried to bite back a big smile she could feel threatening to appear. "You just?"
Cameron tried to readjust the towel a little, not being able to shake the stark naked exposed feeling. "I... don't know," he admitted to her with a hint of sheepishness. He cleared his throat and then let out a shaky breath, glancing just briefly at all the trendy and expensive toiletries lining the bathroom shelves neatly. The joys of living with gay guys. Cameron wasn't even sure he could pronounce some of the names of those things. But he did soon look back at her, even if he was grateful of the male cosmetic metrosexual shit to give him a brief distraction. "I'm not sure what to... think... feel... much these days," he admitted to her quietly.
Iz nodded as she watched him. "That's okay. You don't have to be..." Her teeth caught her bottom lip, and she winced slightly when she felt one of the twins push against her rib cage. "I'm not... I'm not asking you to know. I don't want to pressure you into anything because I know it's hard. I guess it's why I wait until you kiss me before I try and reciprocate anything. But I get it. It's confusing, and I'm me, and why would you ever want anything to do with me."
"Because I never just stopped loving you when you fucked around on me," Cameron murmured and looked down at his lap, his hands tucked around the towel like it was some sort of protective shield. "I wanted to hate you. There was only one other time I felt angrier in my whole life and that was when Pat nearly died. But I... still loved you."
Izzy's hand slipped down from his arm to rest on his wrist, and she felt the lump break a little as a couple of tears escaped. She wasn't going to apologise again because she didn't want it to be meaningless, but she had no idea what else she was supposed to say. She was better at the running, than the staying. "I know I... It's fucked up, and I fucked up royally, and I hurt you when I never wanted to, but... I'm here. I stayed. I didn't run like I could have. I didn't bolt because I knew it would just prove you right, and give you justification to hate me if you wanted to." She sucked in a breath, and looked at him. "Cam, I love you. I love you with everything in my heart. I know you don't believe me, but I do. All I want to do is spend the rest of my life taking care of you, and trying to make you happy again, and make everything up to you. I want to be a good mother to your babies, and I want to just... love you. And I can wait. I'll wait for as long as I need to. I'm not going anywhere. Even if you go back to England, I'll still be right here."
Cameron's free hand had come to grip around his thigh again now the pain was shifting from sharp to a dull, throbbing ache, but it was just reflexive, like he could cut the pain off if he squeezed it hard enough. "Can you just... I just..." Words were spinning around in his head, but he had to force himself to form something rational to come out of his mouth. "I just need to know why you chose him over me. I know the whole closure thing, and whatever. But why wasn't I enough back then if you say I am now? I've been trying to understand that for so long and I just can't seem to get it. I'm not vindictive or holding a grudge over it. I'm too tired for that anymore, I just... need to know."
Iz let out a sob when her thoughts didn't quite become words, and she raised a hand to wave at her nose. The crying was easy lately with the pregnancy, and she hated it. There was a time when she wasn't so prone to emotional outbursts. When she could hold it together. "Because I didn't think I was good enough for you. I've never... I've never let myself feel good enough for anyone except maybe James. I was scared. Why would you want me? Why would anyone want me? James was the only one... Before he died, anyway. I didn't want him instead of you, I just... I wanted to know I could have a relationship without feeling like I was fucking it up just by being me, only with you I really fucking fucked it up. I regret it every day, Cameron. I regret the moment I slept with James. It was the stupidest fucking mistake I've ever made. You're not him, and I don't want you to be him. I just want you because you have no idea how fucking amazing you are, and I'm sorry I could never let you see that. That I made you doubt it. You were enough. It was me that wasn't."
"You cheated on me because you weren't good enough?" Cameron couldn't help but ask skeptically. He really wasn't trying hard to understand it, he wanted to. "Well, uh, thanks? Thanks for, you know, not being good enough and cheating on me. Saved me a lot of hurt, I'm sure..." He sucked in a breath and wet his lips so he didn't let the anger build up in him again. "I hate to break it to you, but I'm not sure what else I could have done to show you I did want you and now it just feels like I won't be able to convince you. Ever. I thought we actually had something pretty cool. I know it wasn't easy, and I wasn't in any sort of rush, but I guess I was stupid in thinking I had the luxury of time on my hands. I needed you, and I was only just learning to need someone else other than Pat, I needed help too. You lost James, but I lost my mobility, maybe my career. You know the only thing I'm doubting right now? That no matter what I do, it'll always just fall flat because of this... I don't know, I don't get it. You had three guys... four, if you count James, who wanted to marry you. I'm finding it hard that 'I'm not good enough' was why you chose him over me. I'm trying, Iz. I really am, it's just making me feel even less adequate to pull it all off because there wasn't a lot else I could do to convince you I wanted you. I was doing it, and you looked elsewhere. I'm not in any better position right now to give you more than I did before it all blew up."
"I know, but I wasn't... I'm not..." Iz let out a soft grunt of frustration. She had never been good at deep and meaningfuls. Even with Ali she usually wound up failing epically. "I'm not pretending I had any of it figured out logically. Shit... But here's the thing, I don't need more. I don't need anything you haven't got because it means fuck all if there isn't love. And I do love you. And I'm not worried about not being good enough for you because if you can just find it somewhere to forgive me, then that's all that I'll ever ask you for, or need from you. Anything else is a bonus. I don't know how to explain any of it... I'm not good at this part of things. I've never stuck around long enough to talk it out with anyone, so I have no practice. I got scared, and I panicked. Things had changed so I didn't recognise anything, and I clung to the wrong person, and I'm sorry."
Cameron couldn't help looking scared by this point. Somewhere in his head he could hear a voice sounding like Pat's giving him a little pep talk that it would be okay. Without a doubt, Pat would be on the phone soon, anyway. He'd get the twin vibes on some level. "Did you get your closure?" he asked in barely more than a whisper, the question that had been burning away in his gut since the penny dropped that Izzy had turned around and slept with James again.
It was inappropriate, but Isabel let out a nervous burst of laughter before she snorted loudly to keep from turning into a damp, snotty mess. "Yeah, I did. It's long over. We just both took the wrong route to realise it. He's where he should be, and I'm finding my way to where I'm supposed to be."
Cameron didn't share in the laughter, but he was watching her closely. "It's gotta be weird for you seeing him fathering someone else's kid, managing to actually be a good father," he murmured, but he sighed softly. There was no ill intent behind his words, it was just an observation more than anything. Probably on the same level of weirdness when he first saw Pat wearing a wedding ring, even if he completely blew up about that after the fact. "I'm sorry... I'm not trying to trap you. It's okay if you say it's weird. Kinda like when I see Pat holding a baby and see the way Aiden looks at him when he's doing it, only you know it's not... I have no idea what I'm trying to say. I guess I'm just trying to let you know that I get it that he's always going to be... something to you. Whatever that something is. And it's okay."
Iz wiped at the tears on her cheeks, and gave him a grateful smile. "Thank you. And yeah, it's weird, but more because he's breeding. Not so much that it's him fathering someone else's kid. Just the fact that James is even having a kid. It's... huge. And I just want to be a good aunty to them." She reached out to brush her fingers against his jaw, and bit her lip as she kept watching him quietly for a moment. Then she leaned in to kiss his lips softly. "I'm glad he's a good father, and I'm even glad he's a good partner to Harri. He loves his family with everything, he'll make sure they get everything they deserve. I just want to make sure you get everything you deserve."
"At least he's got good genes and the kid's not one of those you resort to complimenting the nappy brand because it's got a face like a smashed badger," Cameron pointed out with a small smirk. "It seems like he's found something to give him a reason to stand still for once, even if he didn't realise it's what he needed. Sometimes we just don't always realise what we need until it's there, or until it's gone," he added quietly.
"No, we don't," Izzy agreed softly. "And here's hoping out kids don't have faces like smashed badgers. Because if they do, we're definitely getting the best damn nappy brand ever."
There was a chair in the shower so he could sit, having to take the brace off so it didn't get wet. Today, he was grateful it was there and it was tempting to just sit there in the hot water for hours. He knew somewhere in the huge house Iz was there. She had been there for a few days now, and things were okay. There wasn't really any tension, even if it did feel weird for him knowing that she was staying in the room she cheated on him in. He mostly avoided it, and the subject. A lot of the time Pat or Aiden were there as a buffer, anyway, or there was visitors. It could have been worse. A whole lot worse.
He had to reluctantly shut the shower off and get out so he didn't turn into a prune. He shut the taps off and was standing in the cubicle, reaching up for his towel hanging over the top of the glass when everything suddenly felt like it was going in slow motion. His foot of his good leg slipped on the wet tiles and before he even had a chance to grab for something to stop it, he slipped and fell hard onto his side... onto his injured knee. He cried out probably more in shock than pain, but in the wake of it, the pain set in with a vengeance and he was close to tears as he gritted his teeth. He was scared to even touch his leg in case it wasn't connected to him or something. He was stuck, and it really, really sucked.
Isabel had been working her way towards the bathroom until she realised Cameron must have been in there having a shower. The sex noises from Pat and Aiden's room hadn't been lost on her either, and she was tempted to get the vibrator out and satisfy herself, only it was never going to be the same. She wanted proper, man on woman, sweaty limbs, passionate sex. And instead she opted for Ben & Jerry's. The boys had been kind enough to let her use most of their freezer space for her ice cream, realising it wasn't smart to argue with a pregnant woman. She was starting to find it harder to get around given the bulk she was carrying, so her journey back from the kitchen to her room was slow going. Her stupid room that she wished to god she could rewrite history in. It was hard not to think of cheating on Cam with James, and the nights were hard to sleep through when all she wanted to do was cry, or wallow in her emotions and hormones. But Pat had wanted her to stay, and it was enough for her.
It was while she was passing the bathroom that she heard Cameron cry out, and Iz paused. It was possible that he'd just jerked his knee in a bad way, and that nothing had really happened, but a chill ran down her spine and she set the ice cream down on a nearby end table before she knocked on the door. "Cam? Cam, it's Izzy. Are you okay? Do you want some help?"
Cameron wondered for a moment if maybe he hit his head, because he felt hazy. It was probably just the pain, though, and he had knocked the wind out of him when he fell, so his chest felt tight. Tears pricked his eyes and there was preventing it when they escaped. Something had to give, right? He gritted his teeth and tried to move, but a bolt of red hot pain shot through his knee and a hoarse gasp fell from his lips. "Iz... it's just... shit," he cursed, taking some deep breaths to try and pull himself together. The jury was out whether she would even be able to help him, too. She couldn't even see her feet by this point. Pat and Aiden would both be gone. Lachlan was probably the next best thing if there was no one else to help him get up, but there wasn't exactly a phone in easy reach. "I think I need some help," he had to relent.
Iz instantly pushed open the door, not even knocking. If Cameron was naked, it wasn't like she hadn't seen it all before. She gasped when she saw him on the floor, and waddled over to where he was. "Jesus, Cameron..." She tried to look down his body to check he was all in one piece. His injured leg looked a little crooked, but she wasn't sure if it was just her, or if it was how it was supposed to be. "Just, um, hang on... I need to work out how I'm going to get you up." Izzy bit her lip, looking around the bathroom to see if anything jumped out at her. How she was she supposed to lift him up off the ground when she wasn't even sure about getting herself up off the bed half the time. She saw the chair in the shower and considered moving it, but realised she couldn't move it without moving Cameron first.
Iz manoeuvred herself to the edge of the bath tub, and sat down as she leaned forward to reach for Cameron. "We're just going to have to do this one step at a time, okay? Because I can't stand and lift you, so first we'll get you sitting, and then we'll get us both standing. Somehow. What about your leg? Is it okay?"
"I don't know," Cameron admitted in a hoarse voice. He swallowed, trying to brace himself. This was going to fucking hurt no matter what, and the anxiety of that was making him feel slightly sick. "I thought you could just call someone to help... or something. I dunno. I didn't manage to think that far." It hadn't actually passed through the shock that he was naked. He didn't really care about that, he just had that feeling of dread he might have just really made a bad move. He managed to shift, and slowly get himself into a sitting position, but he was panting and out of breath by the time he did, the shower defunct now because he was covered in a sweat of exertion. He rubbed a hand over his face and then grabbed the edge of the shower cubicle and reached for her hand. "Stay sitting. We can't have you fallen over too, it'll be... it can't happen. Just stay there. I just need to pull myself up with your hand."
Iz slid her fingers around his wrist so her grip was stronger, and her green eyes stayed fixed on his as she watched his every move. She was so frustrated that even if something went wrong, she probably wouldn't be quick enough to rescue him. She really would have to go call someone. She really did hate that right now there wasn't anything she could do to help him other than just sit there and offer her hand. She reached out to offer her other hand in case he needed that as well, and braced her feet as best she could so she was prepared to take his weight. "Not much of a rescue crew, am I? I probably should have called someone, but I guess I wasn't even thinking. I just thought I'd be able to help. I can't get used to being so useless."
Cameron was trying to work up to moving more. He had his lips pressed together and was still sucking in some sharp breaths. "It's okay... better if I can do it on my own, anyway. Lachlan's... the baby's got a cold. He doesn't need to be dragging in out in this weather. Aiden's in New York, Pat's in surgeries all day... I can't think of anyone else right now. I can't think straight." He probably wouldn't even remember how he managed to get himself up, but did. He wouldn't have been able to do it without Izzy, though. He was more than aware of that. He managed to get seated on the closed toilet seat and pulled a towel into his lap, but it's as far as he could manage before the pain just got too much and he leaned forward, clutching at his thigh because touching his knee was impossible. Silent tears dripped down his face while he just tried to ride out the wave of agony and he soon managed to draw in a shaky breath and glanced up at her. "I think I might need some Tylenol and a stiff drink."
Isabel was off the bathtub as soon as Cameron had got himself onto the toilet seat, and reached out to brush the tears from his face, her expression still one of concern as she watched him. "You don't have to think, sweetheart. It's what... friends are for. I'll do the thinking for you as best I can. The drink isn't going to mess with any medication, is it? I think I should call a doctor, too. Do you have one of your own? They can make house calls, right? Because I don't think either of us are capable of getting in a car." She bent down and kissed his forehead softly. "I'll be right back, okay? I promise. Just let me get the phone, the Tylenol, and the drink."
"No, no," Cameron jumped in, realising he was shivering from the shock of slipping over. "I mean, I have a doctor, but they don't need to be called. It'll be fine. I just need to get the brace back on and put it up a little. Right now, I'll be happy for the booze to mess with the medication. Being high has got to be better than this." He dared to peel his hands away from his leg and look down at his knee. It was an odd reddish colour, almost like the skin was burned, and it was swollen. No way was he getting the brace back on that. He was trying desperately not to panic for freak out, but the sight was terrifying the hell out of him. All those months of hard rehab and physio might have just gone down the shitter. "I feel sick," he admitted in a small voice, the emotions all twisting together, not sure what he was supposed to think.
"Cameron," Izzy whispered softly, changing her mind as she stuck close to him, and rest her hands on his arms as she started to rub them to help him with the shivers. "Cameron, you're in shock. You're bound to feel sick. And it's okay. You're allowed to be, you're allowed to just work through this. You don't need to be strong right now. You've hurt yourself, and you're in pain... I'm going to do whatever I can, okay? But I need to call a doctor. I'd rather be safe than sorry. Please, Cam. I can't watch you suffer like this."
Obviously Cameron's first inner reaction was to want Pat. It was always the way when something went wrong. But he knew that Izzy wasn't a bad second option, not at all. He was glad he wasn't alone, because he was admittedly scared. Maybe even more scared than the original accident because he knew his prognosis had already been precarious. He just wasn't sure he was ready to deal with the outcome just yet. He wanted to bury his head in the sand and pretend nothing had happened. He absent-mindedly wrapped the towel around his waist, even if it was twisted and didn't actually serve much purpose. "I'll just... I'll... try some ice... and some painkillers..." It was at least worth a shot. He was convincing himself he had just twisted it and it would be fine if he got it up.
Iz pushed his wet hair back from his face, and looked at the pain lines etched into it. She really did feel helpless right then. And ridiculously big. Luckily she was managing not to poke him with her stomach so far. She would have felt better getting a doctor, and was still contemplating whether she could call one on the sly, but she had no idea who his doctor was, or where the number would be. "Alright, but I still think you should get it checked out. I'll be back, okay? Right back... I'm still here." Izzy leaned back down so she could bring her eyes level with his. "I'm not leaving you."
Cameron grabbed for Izzy's hand again, not even realising how tight he managed to get the grip. "Wait. Where are you are going?" he found himself asking, which took him by surprise, but if he stopped to analyse it right now, he would probably lose it. His eyes, still damp, were locked on hers as he swallowed again, and then he looked down at their joined hands. He wanted to tell himself it was just because he was in agony and didn't want to be alone, but he wasn't a fool. He wasn't deluded, he was just really good at stamping down his true feelings and concealing them to protect himself. Just like his twin brother. When she cheated on him, he had been furious and hurt, he hadn't ever wanted to see her again or speak to her. But that didn't mean the feelings he had for her stopped and just switched off. He just knew he couldn't stay on them any more because she had made her choice, and now he was scared to need her again.
Iz was surprised when Cameron reached for her hand, and she froze as she looked at him, searching his eyes for a long moment. She couldn't work out at first if it was the injury and pain causing him to start to panic, or if there was something more behind it. She knew she would never be able to make up the cheating to him. She was half expecting to be paying for it for the rest of her life, but that didn't stop her loving him. She'd made the biggest mistake she could, and she kicked herself mentally for it every day. Iz moved in a little closer to him, and used her free hand to cup his face as she rubbed her thumb against his cheek. She had to shift to sit down on the edge of the tub near the toilet, but still kept a hold of his hand. "I don't have to go anywhere, sweetheart. I'll stay right by your side."
Cameron had heard that before, but this time he didn't want to cringe when she said it or get out of her presence ASAP. Not that he could. He needed to just sit here for a bit longer before he could even think about moving. He was feeling nauseous from the pain, but he had gotten to the point where pain was just expected. He had stopped even wondering if he would ever not be in pain, and just wasted energy stressing over other things probably as equally out of his control. He didn't even know what he was doing anymore, or what he was supposed to be doing, or what he could do to try and stop getting hurt again. Then he wasn't even sure what he was hurting over anymore, especially when he was a spectator to Pat's relationship and how hard that could be by no force of their own. He didn't know if he would regret it or not, but he forced himself to stop thinking even just for a few moments and leaned in to kiss her.
Iz wasn't sure at first if she was even allowed to kiss him back. Every time he'd kissed her she'd had that same hesitation while her heart skipped a beat, and wanted her to immediately kiss him back. She switched off her brain, and listened to her heart as she kissed him back, making sure she kept it gentle, and followed his lead. She could feel a lump grow in her throat, and fought the sudden urge to cry. Her free hand rest on his arm, and her fingers curled around his bicep as she braced herself. A soft moan escaped before she could stop it, and she just hoped it wasn't enough to spook him.
Cameron still felt a little strange, and still harboured some feelings that he would never be able to live up to what she valued in James. He was never going to be James, and probably never even be like him, and he feared that he would forever be sub-par if he relented and gave her a second chance. No one had actually told him he should, all they had coaxed him with was accepting the kids as his, and he had done that, even if it was a slow process for him. All this, he was in a realm of his own. He knew that Pat, or Lachlan, or anyone would tell him to give Izzy a second chance because they were his feelings and his heart that had been hurt in the whole process. He pulled out of the kiss and closed his eyes briefly. It wasn't an ideal situation, he knew that. In fact, it downright sucked, but sometimes it was the suck that could help you see the forest through the trees. He did suddenly start to feel extremely exposed and vulnerable. He was naked, she wasn't, and the towel really was only just bunched up in his lap. For a heavy few moments, he just felt plain lost and confused. "I... just..." But words failed him, and instead he drew his lips between his teeth and gradually met her eyes again.
Iz tried to subtly lick her lips after the kiss as she savoured his taste that still lingered there, maintaining eye contact as she gave him a small smile. She had made sure after their last talk that he never felt like she expected anything from him. She had been prepared to wait however long, and still was. He wasn't James, and she didn't want him to be. She wanted Cameron for Cameron. That was all, and it wasn't anything he would probably believe any time soon. She had forgotten he was naked, not even thinking about it while she was concerned about his leg, but now her gaze dipped down briefly, and she tried to bite back a big smile she could feel threatening to appear. "You just?"
Cameron tried to readjust the towel a little, not being able to shake the stark naked exposed feeling. "I... don't know," he admitted to her with a hint of sheepishness. He cleared his throat and then let out a shaky breath, glancing just briefly at all the trendy and expensive toiletries lining the bathroom shelves neatly. The joys of living with gay guys. Cameron wasn't even sure he could pronounce some of the names of those things. But he did soon look back at her, even if he was grateful of the male cosmetic metrosexual shit to give him a brief distraction. "I'm not sure what to... think... feel... much these days," he admitted to her quietly.
Iz nodded as she watched him. "That's okay. You don't have to be..." Her teeth caught her bottom lip, and she winced slightly when she felt one of the twins push against her rib cage. "I'm not... I'm not asking you to know. I don't want to pressure you into anything because I know it's hard. I guess it's why I wait until you kiss me before I try and reciprocate anything. But I get it. It's confusing, and I'm me, and why would you ever want anything to do with me."
"Because I never just stopped loving you when you fucked around on me," Cameron murmured and looked down at his lap, his hands tucked around the towel like it was some sort of protective shield. "I wanted to hate you. There was only one other time I felt angrier in my whole life and that was when Pat nearly died. But I... still loved you."
Izzy's hand slipped down from his arm to rest on his wrist, and she felt the lump break a little as a couple of tears escaped. She wasn't going to apologise again because she didn't want it to be meaningless, but she had no idea what else she was supposed to say. She was better at the running, than the staying. "I know I... It's fucked up, and I fucked up royally, and I hurt you when I never wanted to, but... I'm here. I stayed. I didn't run like I could have. I didn't bolt because I knew it would just prove you right, and give you justification to hate me if you wanted to." She sucked in a breath, and looked at him. "Cam, I love you. I love you with everything in my heart. I know you don't believe me, but I do. All I want to do is spend the rest of my life taking care of you, and trying to make you happy again, and make everything up to you. I want to be a good mother to your babies, and I want to just... love you. And I can wait. I'll wait for as long as I need to. I'm not going anywhere. Even if you go back to England, I'll still be right here."
Cameron's free hand had come to grip around his thigh again now the pain was shifting from sharp to a dull, throbbing ache, but it was just reflexive, like he could cut the pain off if he squeezed it hard enough. "Can you just... I just..." Words were spinning around in his head, but he had to force himself to form something rational to come out of his mouth. "I just need to know why you chose him over me. I know the whole closure thing, and whatever. But why wasn't I enough back then if you say I am now? I've been trying to understand that for so long and I just can't seem to get it. I'm not vindictive or holding a grudge over it. I'm too tired for that anymore, I just... need to know."
Iz let out a sob when her thoughts didn't quite become words, and she raised a hand to wave at her nose. The crying was easy lately with the pregnancy, and she hated it. There was a time when she wasn't so prone to emotional outbursts. When she could hold it together. "Because I didn't think I was good enough for you. I've never... I've never let myself feel good enough for anyone except maybe James. I was scared. Why would you want me? Why would anyone want me? James was the only one... Before he died, anyway. I didn't want him instead of you, I just... I wanted to know I could have a relationship without feeling like I was fucking it up just by being me, only with you I really fucking fucked it up. I regret it every day, Cameron. I regret the moment I slept with James. It was the stupidest fucking mistake I've ever made. You're not him, and I don't want you to be him. I just want you because you have no idea how fucking amazing you are, and I'm sorry I could never let you see that. That I made you doubt it. You were enough. It was me that wasn't."
"You cheated on me because you weren't good enough?" Cameron couldn't help but ask skeptically. He really wasn't trying hard to understand it, he wanted to. "Well, uh, thanks? Thanks for, you know, not being good enough and cheating on me. Saved me a lot of hurt, I'm sure..." He sucked in a breath and wet his lips so he didn't let the anger build up in him again. "I hate to break it to you, but I'm not sure what else I could have done to show you I did want you and now it just feels like I won't be able to convince you. Ever. I thought we actually had something pretty cool. I know it wasn't easy, and I wasn't in any sort of rush, but I guess I was stupid in thinking I had the luxury of time on my hands. I needed you, and I was only just learning to need someone else other than Pat, I needed help too. You lost James, but I lost my mobility, maybe my career. You know the only thing I'm doubting right now? That no matter what I do, it'll always just fall flat because of this... I don't know, I don't get it. You had three guys... four, if you count James, who wanted to marry you. I'm finding it hard that 'I'm not good enough' was why you chose him over me. I'm trying, Iz. I really am, it's just making me feel even less adequate to pull it all off because there wasn't a lot else I could do to convince you I wanted you. I was doing it, and you looked elsewhere. I'm not in any better position right now to give you more than I did before it all blew up."
"I know, but I wasn't... I'm not..." Iz let out a soft grunt of frustration. She had never been good at deep and meaningfuls. Even with Ali she usually wound up failing epically. "I'm not pretending I had any of it figured out logically. Shit... But here's the thing, I don't need more. I don't need anything you haven't got because it means fuck all if there isn't love. And I do love you. And I'm not worried about not being good enough for you because if you can just find it somewhere to forgive me, then that's all that I'll ever ask you for, or need from you. Anything else is a bonus. I don't know how to explain any of it... I'm not good at this part of things. I've never stuck around long enough to talk it out with anyone, so I have no practice. I got scared, and I panicked. Things had changed so I didn't recognise anything, and I clung to the wrong person, and I'm sorry."
Cameron couldn't help looking scared by this point. Somewhere in his head he could hear a voice sounding like Pat's giving him a little pep talk that it would be okay. Without a doubt, Pat would be on the phone soon, anyway. He'd get the twin vibes on some level. "Did you get your closure?" he asked in barely more than a whisper, the question that had been burning away in his gut since the penny dropped that Izzy had turned around and slept with James again.
It was inappropriate, but Isabel let out a nervous burst of laughter before she snorted loudly to keep from turning into a damp, snotty mess. "Yeah, I did. It's long over. We just both took the wrong route to realise it. He's where he should be, and I'm finding my way to where I'm supposed to be."
Cameron didn't share in the laughter, but he was watching her closely. "It's gotta be weird for you seeing him fathering someone else's kid, managing to actually be a good father," he murmured, but he sighed softly. There was no ill intent behind his words, it was just an observation more than anything. Probably on the same level of weirdness when he first saw Pat wearing a wedding ring, even if he completely blew up about that after the fact. "I'm sorry... I'm not trying to trap you. It's okay if you say it's weird. Kinda like when I see Pat holding a baby and see the way Aiden looks at him when he's doing it, only you know it's not... I have no idea what I'm trying to say. I guess I'm just trying to let you know that I get it that he's always going to be... something to you. Whatever that something is. And it's okay."
Iz wiped at the tears on her cheeks, and gave him a grateful smile. "Thank you. And yeah, it's weird, but more because he's breeding. Not so much that it's him fathering someone else's kid. Just the fact that James is even having a kid. It's... huge. And I just want to be a good aunty to them." She reached out to brush her fingers against his jaw, and bit her lip as she kept watching him quietly for a moment. Then she leaned in to kiss his lips softly. "I'm glad he's a good father, and I'm even glad he's a good partner to Harri. He loves his family with everything, he'll make sure they get everything they deserve. I just want to make sure you get everything you deserve."
"At least he's got good genes and the kid's not one of those you resort to complimenting the nappy brand because it's got a face like a smashed badger," Cameron pointed out with a small smirk. "It seems like he's found something to give him a reason to stand still for once, even if he didn't realise it's what he needed. Sometimes we just don't always realise what we need until it's there, or until it's gone," he added quietly.
"No, we don't," Izzy agreed softly. "And here's hoping out kids don't have faces like smashed badgers. Because if they do, we're definitely getting the best damn nappy brand ever."