RP Log with cameronpreston | Biting the Bullet

[isabelowens]

The day before, Cameron let the hours slip away in Mel's company and he would be lying if he didn't admit that it was nice to just chill out and relax for awhile. The recent moments of panic he kept getting hit with everytime he let himself overthink things were uncomfortable and just really weren't helping him come to terms with everything and find a place in his head he could cope with it all. But then when he spoke to Pat about it the night before, Pat had gently pointed out that avoiding Isabel wasn't helping either. That it was going to be even more awkward and stressful for him to be expected to just show up on the day of the birth and try to deal with it all in a large rush. Pat told him he needed a toolkit of ways to cope with everything, that he could draw on as he needed. One tool might be talking about how he was feeling, another might be sitting and processing what Izzy did so he could move on from it. One of those tools had to starting to breach the gap with Isabel, or, as Pat explained also, once he babies were born, they would tap into the negativity. Bonding with them would be impossible, and he would lose the window of opportunity to just end up becoming a name in a bank account where he paid maintenance and nothing more.


It wasn't going to be easy, but Cameron decided to make the trip to New York with Pat and Aiden that morning. James had gone undercover, apparently, and Harri was on her own with the baby. Pat and Aiden were stepping up to the godfatherly plate and doing all they could to help, so spending the week in New York was part of that. Plus, it would cross with Aiden's birthday and they were having a party at Luke's New York bar for it. The family were happy to have any excuse to get together. Cameron was starting to get used to it. But he was now standing at the door of the Izzy's sister's apartment, and he leaned on the crutches to get the small piece of pink paper from his pocket with the address Pat had written down, checking it was the right number. He was tired, and his knee was really sore that day, but at least he wasn't drunk. The more it hurt, though, the more he knew more surgery was inevitable if he wanted to reduce the chances he would lose full use of it forever. He had to make the choice in the New Year, but for now, he kept shoving it out of it mind. He pressed buzzer and had to scratch at the top of the brace through his jeans where it was itching. He wasn't really apprehensive about this, just nervous. He had no idea what the outcome of his visit was supposed to be, and that was unnerving.

"Just a minute!" Isabel called out.

There was the sound of something heavy hitting the ground followed by a string of cursing that got louder as she got closer to the door. She yanked it open, her dark hair a mess, and her long-sleeved top covered in splatters of paint, and slipping down one shoulder while she had one leg of her pants rolled up to under her knee, and the other down. Her feet were bare and she looked flushed, and stressed. It took her a moment to process that it was Cameron at her door, and her entire face changed. It shifted from stressed to surprised, and ended on a mixture of fair and happiness. It wasn't a combination that many could pull off, but Iz had it down pat from running into Cameron lately.

"Cameron," she breathed out, almost like she was uttering a sacred word. "Hey. Um, come in. Please."

Cameron cleared his throat and if he had his hands free and not holding onto the crutches, he probably would have rubbed the back of his neck, which he did when he was uncomfortable, just like Pat did. It was one of the traits they both shared, however few of them there were. "Hey," he began. "Um... I was just... not going to say I was in the neighbourhood, but it's sort of true. Pat and Aiden were coming up because... yeah, Harri's on her own, so... twin pep talk, just thought I'd stop by because I was here and... stuff." It was so not smooth and he felt like a dickhead. Why couldn't he just have an idea of what to say to stick to his plan? He wasn't used to doubting himself like this. It felt strange, but second guessing was all he managed to do lately.

Izzy laughed a little, and manoeuvred herself aside carefully to let Cameron pass. She was still getting used to having the bump out of the front of her, even after this long. She put her hand up to her hair, wondering what she must have looked like. Inside Fiona's apartment there was a sheet on the floor of the main space where an easel sat, and the canvas easy had been painting now sat awkwardly against the sofa after she had knocked it off. "It's okay, I'm just as shit with excuses these days. In fact, most days I can't even remember what I was doing. I think I have double the baby brain. I just feel so... useless. Harri's on her own? Oh wait, James... Yeah, I got a brief call from him before he disappeared. Is she okay? Are you okay? How's the leg? How's Pat, and Aiden?" She hadn't wanted to come across as eager, but the questions had tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them, and she held her hand up. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to become the Spanish Inquisition."

Cameron stopped at the closest chair to sit down, needing to get his weight off his knee, which he really wanted to just chop off and be done with it. He didn't mean to sit without being invited to, but if he didn't, he would probably end up in a heap on the floor beside the painting and she didn't really look like she had the ability to help him up. "To be honest, Pat just basically told me I was a dick for avoiding you, and that wasn't achieving anything. That it was going to make things harder, so I just... I came along." He tried not to wince at the mention of James' name, which was another thing he really needed to get over, especially considering the baby was Pat's godson. "Aiden wanted to make sure she was okay, to help out if she needs it. I guess it's a natural reaction for him. They're okay... been some tensions. Pat's... broken again, for the moment, so to speak. This time around, he's dealing with it by being a bitch queen with Aiden in the firing line. The leg is..." He just shrugged. He wasn't sure how it really was. He cleared his throat again. "How's everything with..." he gestured his hand briefly in the direction of her stomach.

Isabel grunted as she managed to get the painting off the floor, and put it back on the easel upside down. She didn't really care. It was abstract anyway, so it probably wasn't going to matter which way she put. She just wanted her attention on Cameron, but the painting was blocking her seat on the sofa. She dropped down with another grunt, one hand braced against her swollen stomach, and the other braced against her back. She got her hand out from behind herself, and pushed her fingers through her hair with a relieved sigh. She gave Cameron a lopsided smile. "I'm sorry Pat's broken again. It must be hard when he thinks he's failing as a husband, and as a... man. I'm also sorry if he chewed you out on my behalf. He really didn't have to. I meant it when I said I wasn't going to ask you for anything, but the door's always open. I suppose I can understand where he's coming from, though. And he's looking out for his nieces, or nephews. And you." Iz frowned a little when she caught the semblance of a wince, and even winced herself. It was hard not to mention James, and she kicked herself everytime she did. "Everything with..." she mirrored his gesture at her baby bum, "... is good. They're still healthy, and I'm still in ignorance as to what they are. B&J have taken to using my ribcage as a workout machine. And I'm not entirely sure, but I think one of them assumes my bladder is a good footstool."

"He hasn't been chewing me out. The opposite. He's become my therapist. Spending too much time with Yodalan of late must have done it," Cameron said with a small smile. "Tara's home but with RJ hitting the one year notch, he's a bit of a handful. Curious, wants to get into everything. Starting to talk, nearly walking. Everyone feels like they need to be getting around carrying a tracking device for the laddie. He can be there one minute, and across the room the next. Still can't get how Pat is blind to how amazing with kids he is. Aiden's got the mojo with Campbell, too." He shook his head a little. "When are they... um... due?" he asked, feeling sutpid asking for the pure reason it was something he should know. Pat knew, but wouldn't tell him. The bitch knew that Cameron would have to ask himself then. It was also tempting to call Riley up and ninja the information out of him. Riley would know, on account of the fact he did the original ultrasound.

Iz laughed softly again. Thinking about Pat warmed her heart. She had always loved Cameron's twin. He'd been nothing but kind to her, and she was grateful to him for embracing being an uncle so readily. Not to mention the fact he would be a great uncle to her kids. Same as Aiden. Even if Aiden still wanted to look like he would kill her. "It's scary to think we'll have to go through that with two. They'll probably go to opposite ends knowing our luck. My luck. Your luck!" Iz wanted to facepalm after the confusion. She had been trying not to use 'our' so Cameron didn't get scared, but it was impossible. They were their kids. They had both made them. "February 27th. Just scrape it in so there's no leap year bullshit. And I really wish they would think about surrogacy. They'd be amazing parents. Really amazing."

Now with his hands free, Cameron had the luxury of rubbing the back of his neck. That didn't seem very long away at all. Where had all the time gone? His head was still trying to think of her as barely pregnant with months and months to get his head around it. Only that was all gone now. Eight weeks wasn't very long at all and he moved to fold his hands over in his lap in case they started to shake with the anxiety. Thinking about the kids getting around like RJ was right now was beyond his comprehension, so he didn't comment on it or he'd end up just saying stupid things. The sex with Mel the day before had helped him get his mind off things for awhile, but it couldn't erase it all. He didn't want it too. He just wanted to be able to handle all this like a sane person. "He really avoids the subject when his willy isn't coming out to play, too. I don't think any of us have any hope. Meanwhile, Aiden had the whole issue hanging in his face with Harri's baby being born. I think it's all adding to the tension. The guy has to be thinking that it could have been his kid..." He glanced around the apartment, sort of glad her sister wasn't there. He had met her at Ali and Andrew's wedding, but he felt akward in the conversation and took the first opportunity to escape that he could. "I, um, got an apartment. Sort of. It's a new building, not too far from Pat and Aiden's. It'll be available in late March. Should have a better idea then of what's going to go down in general. I've paid for it, anyway."

Izzy's eyebrows went up. "You got an apartment? Really? Wow, that's... I'm glad. I mean, you'll be close to your brother. That's great." She gave him a soft smile before she ducked her head, and rubbed her hand against her stomach. Even without the bonding the twins seemed to know when their father was in the room. They got more exciteable. Eight weeks... It was hard to believe. She still wasn't sure she was ready, and was tempted to hold her legs together to keep them in longer. "I'm sorry Aiden didn't get his kid with Harri. It really does have to be hard watching her with Campbell. It doesn't have to be the end of it, though. The must be other women. Maybe not his best friend, but still viable."

Cameron sighed a little. "I'm doing it for the kids. I told you that. I just don't want to live in New York. I like Princeton better." He played with his team ring on his hand, curling it around his finger. "That's the thing. Aiden's really well-known. Sometimes it feels like he knows everyone, and he's hot, he's gay, he's got the whole queer eye thing going on. He would have chicks flinging their uteruses at him if he wanted. He won't if Pat doesn't. Pat is... not even wavering. He has this way of weaving a conversation to help people, and listening like he's a gigantic ear on legs. When I try to do the same for him, it's like I hit a brick wall."

Izzy held her hands up with her palms facing Cameron. "I didn't say anything! Not about the Princeton part. I'm happy you chose there. I think you should be near Pat. And the me forgetting the plan needs to be chalked up to baby brain. I wasn't joking about forgetting stuff. Try and ask me what I had for dinner." Iz frowned a little. "And you really don't know why he's not wavering?"

Cameron felt like a dick. He had been stressing over the plan for weeks, and she didn't even remember it. He figured it would be a little bit more prominent to her than what she had for dinner. He rubbed his fingers over his lips, sitting on his thoughts and trying to push them to the back of his head. "I do know, it just makes me feel sick to say it out loud. He thinks he won't recover from an attack, that he'll die and leave Aiden with the baby. A little less morbid, he thinks if he does get sick, the same thing will happen. Aiden will be left with a baby, and the burden of nursing Pat. Some days, Pat can't even get out of bed, he can't do the most basic of every day things. That's all it comes down to."

Iz felt the guilt wash over her like a wave that threatened to drown her. She struggled to sit foward on the sofa so she could take Cameron's hand. She could read his looks, even if she was sure she would have been rusty on it. "Hey, no, that's not... I remember. Just not everything. I don't think my head really filled in the blanks well. I remember you being here, and in England. Because of on-off season. I'm just glad it was an apartment in Princeton, that's all. Do you... Should I move closer to Princeton? You shouldn't have to travel on your leg when it's hard. I can't imagine it's comfortable driving." Iz wet her lips. "But Aiden won't be left alone. He's got a whole family behind him. A whole network of friends."

Cameron shook his head right away. "No, you're family and friends are here. Your job. My leg... it's... I need more surgery. If that doesn't work, I'm screwed for the game, but it's just a matter of waiting and seeing. The other treatment hasn't worked how they hoped. If the surgery doesn't, they'll put pins in there. I'll be fine, just won't be able to play anymore." He pushed his hair back, rubbing his head just a little as he pressed his lips together. "One thing worse than thinking you're going to die is thinking about life after you're gone," he murmured.

"Is there anything I can do?" she asked him quietly. "Anything at all? Do you want a drink? I'm sorry, I forgot to ask. I'm a shit hostess." Isabel gave his hand a squeeze and just stayed there quietly for a moment. "I'm sorry."

"No. It's fine. Really." Cameron sighed, looking down at their hands. He didn't say anything for a few moments before he shrugged slightly. "I'm sorry this is so awkward. I'm trying. I just don't know how to deal so well with any of this. I look at Pat who's fighting an uphill battle every day of his life with things, and it makes me realise I need to get my head out of my arse and be a man, but at the same time, decisions like that don't come with an instruction manual."

"No, they don't. And it's okay. I put you in a shit position, and I really am sorry. I will spend my life making it up to you, Cameron. I just want our kids to grow up knowing both their parents." Izzy rubbed her thumb against the back of his hand. "I don't want you to feel pressured. At the same time, I'm not really sure that I'm the right person to give you advice."

Cameron just shrugged again. "I don't know. I don't know a lot of things anymore. I've got a... friend, in Princeton. She's been great. Sort of just an independent factor who's easy to talk to." He frowned a little in thought as he wet his lips. "Everything in my life just... it got taken away. It feels like the game, the fall, all over again, only I can't seem to find my footing and get back up again. Knowing that nothing is ever going to be the same again is terrifying."

Iz couldn't help the pain that twisted her face briefly at hearing Cameron had a 'friend'. She wasn't in any position to judge. How could she be? She'd fucked around on him with James. Left him out in the cold while she tried to get back something she'd lost. "Good. You need someone. It helps to be able to... talk." She still had a hold of his hand, and a part of her just didn't want to let it go. Not while he was still letting her hold it. "I know, and I wish I could fix it for you. We're all going through change. Maybe not the same changes, but it's all been so... fluid. And that doesn't mean smooth. None of it has been smooth. Just quick, and rapid, and we've all been drowning. Just some of us more than others."

Cameron couldn't help but think how easy it would be to just be with Mel. There would be no complications, and they got along well. He liked her, and he enjoyed her company. In fact, she could give him things he needed that he didn't realise he did. But it wasn't right, and they both knew it. Cameron had baggage that he didn't even know if he had the strength to carry. He was hurt, painfully hurt, because he had let himself fall in love with Isabel and before he even had a chance to enjoy that, it was gone. It had been hard for him to wrap his head around the fact that she was all for closure and that James had been taken from her without warning, but then she did the same thing to Cameron, made him hurt in exactly the same way. She had been honest about the running away thing. He just couldn't go through this again. He couldn't be sure she wouldn't run again, like she had with every other guy but James. James, who she ran from Cameron to. "She just wants to understand and help me feel better," he murmured. "She's a twin too, I guess it's easier for her to understand that everything I do is in consideration of me, and of Pat. I find it really hard to just make decisions and make changes just for me. When I do, and Pat's not involved, it just always seems to go wrong for me. I met you... when I was fighting with Pat, and then it all went down the toilet."

Isabel nodded, feeling a lump lodge in her throat. She didn't even know why. She could see how it would be easier for him to be with someone else. She could see that it would make him happy. Only the selfish side of her still wanted to believe she could be the only one that could make him happy. Even when she'd fucked up so badly. She used her free hand to rub at her eye, trying to do the guy thing of pretending she had something in it when she could feel tears start to build. "You should have what makes you feel better, Cameron. You don't need to explain it to me. I'm glad you have someone that gets you, that understands the twin thing. You deserve it." She wet her lips and let out a shaky breath. "And I was messed up because of... you know who. Makes me wonder what could have happened if we'd met now. With you with Pat, and me as just... me. No closure. No bullshit. Just us. It's not going to happen, though."

"But then you wouldn't be pregnant with my kids, and I'm glad you are," Cameron told her quietly. "And I don't want to be with Mel. She knows, she gets it. Maybe in the past when I had no strings, yeah, we would have worked out okay together. She's great, and she's helped me a lot. She's become a really close friend to me, and that's probably always going to be. But I'm not in love with her. She deserves someone who can give her the world, and she'll find him. Someone will snap her up and I'll pull the piss out of her for it when it happens. I'm... I'm terrified you're going to hurt me again and I really have no idea how to get over that. I can't be another chapter in your history book of broken engagements and marriages you didn't rock up for. I'm sorry, Iz. I just can't be. I don't have my brother's strength. I can't get knocked down this much and keep getting back up. I still haven't managed to get up from when you knocked me down the first time."

"You're glad?" she asked in all but a whisper, the tears starting to roll down her cheeks quietly now as she looked at him. Her green eyes fixed on his face, determined to hold his gaze even if all she wanted to do was hide her head, or have the sofa swallow her up. "Cameron, I... I don't even know how to start making it up to you, but I want to. I want to prove that I won't hurt you like this again. I want to prove that you really are the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. Cameron, I still love you. So much it hurts, and I know everything I've done will be argument for me not loving you, but I do. I just... Can we just start with talking? On the phone. You don't even need to see me. Just talking. Even if it's awkward as all fuck to begin with. I'm not asking you to forget... I just want you to maybe consider forgiving."

Cameron pressed his lips together, swallowing as he nodded. His knee was throbbing again, knowing it had become one of his tension centres because it was weakened. When he stressed, it seemed to hurt more and he didn't have much control over that. Pat also accurately pointed out that the cold weather would fuck with it too. Cameron was just apprehensive to give the green light to the surgery because he knew it would be the make or break of what happened with his career. He was hanging in a delusional limbo for the moment, and maybe that was part of his problem? He shifted in the seat to gradually stretch his knee out, using his hands to move it. He didn't mean to release the hold she had on his hand. Once his leg was in a little more comfortable position, he just took her hand again, even if he was quiet for a little longer. "Okay. But I just... things need to be just... slow. I don't even know if that's what I mean. Maybe just each day at a time. I'm just tired. I don't know how else to explain it. I'm not angry, I'm not... vindictive. I'm just tired."

Isabel nodded, a small smile tugging at her lips even if she was watching him closely to see if his knee was playing up badly. She felt like a heavy weight on her heart had been lifted. Cameron was at least agreeing to take things slow. She could live with that. She could more than live with that. And she'd take the close friend who was his support, even if she was now curious as to what this Mel was like. "Okay. We can do slow. We can do each day. Do you... I know it's not... Do you want to lie down?" she asked, indicating the small hall that lead to her bedroom.

Cameron really didn't have anything else pressing to do. He figured Pat and Aiden would have their hands full if Harri needed help. It wasn't like he could go walking around shopping, he barely had the patience to go to the supermarket in Princeton when his leg was hurting. It was just fortunate they had a disabled ticket for the car and he was going to bloody use it, too. He was a little conflicted, but not as much as he had been lately. There was at least a few doors opened now and it was a relief for him. He drew in a slow breath and let it out calmly. He shrugged a little again and nodded. "Okay," he agreed. He didn't know what it meant, or even why he was agreeing. It was probably best to just stop thinking at this point, take it easy and let things just happen how they were supposed to.