For just_muse_me | 23.9.6 Wedding Ring Pic
Co-written with agentfraser
[Follows THIS]
Izzy sat outside PPTH as she waited for James. It had been a little over three hours, but given it was a hospital, she was giving him time to find a park. Hospitals were a bitch regardless of state. She was still replaying her conversation with Cameron through her mind, trying to work out what kind of sick woman it made her to actually love a guy more because he was giving her permisson to find 'closure' with her ex, and not call it cheating.
She looked down at her hand, her green eyes fixed on the gold band on her middle finger. It was her wedding ring, but she hadn't worn it on her ring finger in a long time. Truth was, if it was going to get down to cheating, it was Cameron who was the other guy considering she was married to James still. Iz wet her lips and wondered if Harri would be so accepting of this scenario, and willing to let James do this.
Or if James would even say yes. Hell, Izzy wasn't even sure what she was actually going to ask him. Did she want sex with him? Was that really how closure was going to be achieved? Could you say goodbye with sex, and not want it again? She had no idea how this was going to work, but they had to do something. Cameron was right, none of them were in a good headspace regardless of how much they wanted to be.
James was stifling a yawn as he walked up the sidewalk in front of the looming hospital. He was still dressed from work and working way through a double strength latte, skim milk and unsweetened, of course. Ever since the coma, his doctor had been riding his back about keeping a strict diet. Putting himself into glucose shock hadn't been the best move for his body, even if it was vital for his life. It meant he had to kiss goodbye to a lot of junk food while his system tried to find some normalcy again. He was also on large insulin doses and the new needles hurt like a bitch. It was his punishment, though, and he knew it. He found Izzy sitting not far from the entraceway and he cleared his throat to get her attention. "You know how to pick your spots, don't you? You're, like, four feet away from where Lachlan got shot," he revealed to her, remembering the case notes he had read and the fact Alex had pointed the spot out to him once before. He handed over her sundae and another bag of junk food he couldn't even remember what he bought. "I hope you don't mind melted ice cream. I got into a verbal fight with the drive-thru bloke."
Izzy looked up with a frown before she looked down at the ground. "Fuck..." she said, really not intending to have picked the spot. She stood up as she clutched at her sundae, and bag of goodies, moving away already to find another spot. She trusted James to follow. Iz was already starting to drink the melted concoction. "Hey, it'll be like a thickshake. I'm sure I'll cope. What did you have a verbal with the drive-thru bloke about? And thanks for coming, and bringing the sundae. I really appreciate it."
"Sure you don't want to stay, take in the Princeton highlights?" James followed, but pointed to a patch of the sidewalk a few paces away. "It's lighter than the rest of the sidewalk because they had to clean away the blood. You must really be pregnant, squeamish about a crime scene. Pierce is going to have a field day with you," he teased, sipping his coffee. His watch buzzed and he looked at her, eyebrows raised. "Are you going to barf if I take my injection in front of you?"
"I just don't want to be somewhere morbid," Iz countered as she glanced at the patch of sidewalk again. Her stomach did churn though, and for a moment she thought she was about to bring back up the sundae she'd all but finished inhaling. "Pierce can kiss my ass. I'll be fine. Just need to not have this conversation where Cameron's brother's best friend got shot. I won't barf, I can still handle needles and hospitals." She stopped at another bench sheltered by a tree and sat down again. "It was a pretty shitty time for all of them. Seems unfair they need to keep getting reminded."
James tilted his head. "Not just shot, his heart stopped beating. I'm stopping now. I know it's weird, and you haven't even read the case notes. That's why Alex is here playing Dr Feelgood. Lachlan's case, it's still open in the SS. It's all hush hush." He sat down beside her and unhooked his black satchel from over his shoulder to find his injection kit. "Some things you just never forget. Nice people, though. Are you going to marry into their family?" As if to emphasise, he reached into his pocket and held out a gold band to her, offering her a sad smile.
"What's this?" Izzy asked as she took it. She turned it over, and for a long moment it didn't click. When it did, she held it back out to him. "No, I don't want it. I already have one. You should keep it. Even if it's in a drawer somewhere. It still means something..." She made a face as she looked away, the ring still in her hand for now. "I don't know. I still have to get through marrying the parents, and apparently shattering his brother's dreams. Why is the case still open? Or shouldn't I ask?" She turned back to look at James, her eyes watching his face closely. "What would you say if I told you Cameron gave us permission to get closure?"
James didn't take the ring back, he just watched her face closely, his kit sitting between his hands. "Drugs. He was shot by a chick with links to a large drug ring. Riley Browne's patient who stabbed him with a needle is a person of interest too because it all happen in a very short space of time. It's technically not my jurisdiction, it's Alex's, but it crosses to my team's investigation, which is why we work together." He unzipped the small pack and took out the needle and syringe. "What did you do, spike his coffee to get him lucid? I thought you hadn't spoken to him."
Iz sighed as her fingers curled around the ring and she held it tightly. "I hope Alex realises they're still open wounds if he starts digging in their lives. Time might have passed, but given how public Lachlan's shooting was, he still gets reminded constantly. And he's still suffering PTSD. Riley's having trouble as well, his whole life's been turned upside down. These fuckers are just... I hate them. The drug runners, not Lachlan and Riley, clearly." Izzy cleared her throat. "I had three hours to talk to him. I didn't even have to bring it up, he volunteered it. I think he just gets how fucked up it's been. Actually, he brought it up because he admitted to thinking the baby was yours for a few crazy moments when I first told him. He'd just assumed we'd fucked. Maybe fucked more than once."
"They don't even know Alex is an Agent. As far as they're concerned, he's the Paediatrician who diagnosed the bub's diabetes, and nothing else," James assured her, amused how close she had gotten herself to the group. It was easy to do, they were wonderful people. He just wondered if she realised it yet. He listened to what she was saying closely, the syringe twirling slowly between his fingers. "And he was okay with that? There I was not sure how much credit to give the guy."
"You should give him a lot," Izzy said quietly, her green eyes flashing briefly. "He's not some dumb jock. He's actually pretty switched on. I think he understood things better than I did. He gets it, and I think he just wants to do the right thing. He wants us to be able to have whatever closure we need because it'll be better for everyone in the long run. And he just thinks it'll be better now than leaving it too late."
James smirked. "No, don't give me the bloody death glare, alright? You're forgetting how attached I am to Pat and Aiden. They're going to be my kid's godfathers. I've only had how Cameron reacted to them getting married to go on. I haven't had a whole lot of time to get to know the guy otherwise. I just know that Pat and Aiden were devastated. But I get it. I'm hardly one to judge of misguided emotions. At all. I was just referring to the fact that he's got a lot on his plate right now, yet he is still man enough to try and help you out with this. It's admirable. How do you feel about his suggestion?" He took the vial of insulin and turned it over a few times before drawing the injection up. He untucked his shirt and neatly injected his stomach, something she had seen him do hundreds of times over the years.
"Can't you add in the fact that I'm with him as being enough to go on? All the other exes aside, don't you think my taste would have improved since you? And I don't mean that the way it sounds. I mean, you improved my taste. The bar was set higher after you. I never expected anyone to fill the hole, and maybe they haven't. You came back, and the hole was plugged in and smoothed over... Until I start thinking about what we used to have, and what we might have had... Cameron had to make his own hole, and he's got to live with that knowledge." Iz watched him, all too aware of the fact that she actually used to do a lot of his injections. She leaned forward as she felt the tears she'd held back since being in the hospital room with Cameron surge forward, and she bit down on her lip to stifle a sob. She wasn't sure why everything was hitting her again now, but maybe it was because she knew she didn't have to hide it from Cameron anymore. Which automatically meant she didn't need to hide it from James, either. He was now going to get an undiluted, and hormonal Isabel Owens. Another sob, not so successfully stifled slipped out, and she watched a couple of tears hit the pavement in front of her. "You were my husband! I fucking loved you!"
James looked at her calmly. "Yeah, I'm just going to politely remind you that one of those other exes belted my face in, okay? Let's just leave it at that. Why should I take him on face value, Iz? You were my fucking world for over two years. And yeah, I know it took me long enough to get my finger out of my arse, but it wasn't an open and closed case. It could never be! We were partners and you came into my life just when I thought I could never trust letting anyone close to me again. It took me that long to learn that I wanted to take that risk with you. You know I was fucked up and why, you were one of the only ones who really did know everything. So, no. I can't just take it that this bloke isn't going to hurt you, alright? I need to see for myself that he deserves to be with you, because fuck knows I didn't! I didn't deserve you, Izzy! I was so crazy about getting justice for David, and you know why? Because I convinced myself in my head that if I got justice for him, it would protect you. That's why I went away. I thought if I did the job well, I could come back one day and if we were meant to be, it would all work out. I didn't just love you, Isabel, you fucking saved me from myself! I worshipped you!" he told her, tears forming in his own eyes. "But you deserved better," he added hoarsely.
"No, I didn't! You don't get to make that fucking choice for me. You never got to make that choice for me. Who gave you the right, Camp--Fraser? Who gave you the fucking right?!" Iz all but screamed at him. Luckily her voice gave out halfway through and it came out more of a loud whisper. She rest her head in her hand, tears streaming down her cheeks as she glanced at him. "I gave you everything for more than two years. I worshipped you, too! All I wanted was for you to realise you loved me, and you wanted me just as much, and then when you did, you left! You broke my heart. You broke it, and you tore it up, and you set it on fucking fire... And I still love you. I still wish sometimes I was waking up to you and not--and I'm such a fucking bitch! I thought I'd dealt with it, but I hadn't. I'd just run away like usual, and then you were there and I could touch you, and taste you, and feel you, but you had Harri... You weren't you. You weren't mine."
James reached up and brushed the tears from his eyes roughly. His lips were pressed tightly together as he stared ahead across the carpark, the spent injection still in his hand. "No, I wasn't me," he said lowly. "I can't apologise anymore. I fucked up. I'm going to pay for that for the rest of my life. I never planned for what happened with Harri to happen, but it did. See? I fucked up again. From the get go, it was all one big fuck up and every single fucking person I loved got caught in the tangled mess of shit." He turned back and looked at her. "By the time I came back, things were... I don't even know what they were. I don't even know if Harri knows who I am even now, and I can only take each day to try and fix that. But she's having my son. My kid, Izzy. It wasn't planned, none of it was. Welcome to the club, but you know what? It's not just about you and me anymore. Your kid and my kid, any move we make now is going to impact on them. I can't change what's happened and I don't regret trying to do what I did in the SS to make a difference so someone else in David's shoes doesn't get slaughtered in a drug raid and leave their family behind. You or me, what happened to David could have been us... still could be. I don't know how to fix any of this. I don't know what to say anymore. Every time we try to work to breach the gap, you end up yelling at me for everything I took away from you! Maybe you should be thinking about everything you gained because of it?"
"It's hard," Izzy breathed out as she tried to stem the flow of tears. She sat up, automatically moving into James' side as she rest her head on his shoulder. "You're my best friend, and the man I love. It's hard to forget that. I'm sorry I keep yelling at you, but I can't... My heart still hurts. I looked at Harri when you came back, and she was pregnant and whatever, and all I could think was that I wished it was me. And now I'm pregnant, and you said you wanted it to be you. I know it's not just us, and I know it's never going to be just us ever again..." She looked up at him, her green eyes shining with tears. "But maybe for one last night it can be? Let's just say goodbye..."
James felt something tug sharply in his chest and before he could stop himself, he breached the gap between them and was kissing her, his hand cupping the back of her head so her long, thick hair slipped through his fingers. It felt like coming home after a long, tiring trip. Or putting your daggy old bathrobe on that you had for years when you didn't feel well. But he soon pulled back and put his hand up to his lips as he still tasted her there. He closed his eyes momentarily and looked down at his lips with a small sigh. "You know that song, the fucking cheesy Whitney Houston one that gets right in your ear drums and stabs away at the migraine centre of your brain? I hate Whitney Houston, but that's not my point. The song, have you ever listened to the words? That's us, you know. That's me, to you. How are we supposed to know it will stop at one night? What if it starts everything all over again and we can't walk away?" he asked her.
Iz whimpered as he pulled away, her hand gripping his shirt to stop him escaping too far. God, she'd missed the way he tasted. She had to keep looking at his mouth day in and day out, and she'd wanted to kiss it repeatedly but couldn't. It was like waving the best whiskey in front of an alcoholic and telling them it was only for looking at. Actually, that's exactly what she felt like. She felt like an alcoholic, and James was her favourite drink. She let her head fall against his chest as she breathed him in, and just pretended for one really long moment, that nothing else existed. "We've already started everything all over again by wanting each other, and not giving in. You and me wrote the book on UST. And I can't do this. I can't spend my working hours wanting you, when I should be thinking about Cameron. Even if we're the Whitney Houston song. I just... I need to know that maybe we can take the chance, and risk it, and know it'll help us heal..."
James was searching her eyes as she spoke and he couldn't help but smirk a little for a moment. "You realise I'm going to pay Lachlan to sing that song to you next time we're altogether. He might kill me for it, and then we wouldn't be in this mess," he said with a slight laugh and then put the injection on the bench beside him so he could rub both hands over his face with a heavy sigh. "I'm terrified. I have never in my life been this terrified of what's going to happen, and I don't even know how to talk to Harri about this with Aiden in the state he's in. Where do I start?"
"I don't know, same place Cameron did? I can't even believe he just knew... He didn't even really... he just got it. For all I know he's going to freak out later, but I think he maybe won't let himself love me until he knows I'm free. I keep telling him I love him, and I do. I just love you at the same time, and I just... It's hard not to think all the other stuff that comes with it. You're still technically my husband." Iz moved away from him again, trying to gather herself as she wiped at her eyes and let out a heavy sigh. "You pay Lachlan to sing that song, and I will put Tobasco in your drink. I should have known you'd pick a shit song to be ours."
James smirked again. "You're so going to go home and put it on the CD player and sob into my jacket over it," he teased, neither of them ever really being able to stop the piss-pulling, despite that pain and drama they had to drag themselves through. "And I know you kept my jacket. Ali told me, and then smacked me in the head for leaving again. She's going to give me brain damage one of these days. You know the ironic part? I always told Mark I would never, ever fucking follow in his footsteps. Now I'm standing on the edge of it and about to plunge in head first."
"And then I might burn the jacket because it just brings me bad memories," Iz smirked as she flicked her hair over her shoulder. "If I find out you kept some of my underwear... I'll just lose all respect for you." Iz reached out to take his hand, her fingers curling around it as she held it. "I wouldn't let you be him. I wouldn't let you do that to Harri. I'm not asking for a relationship, I'm just... asking to fuck my dead husband once. Let it be the goodbye you should have given me months ago. Please. Just tell me everything you should have told me then, and let me cry and yell just once more and get it out of our systems. You're not mine, James. I know you're not. I just need to grieve my way. Please?"
"I didn't just keep it, I wear it," James threw back jokingly and then sniggered, feeling around in his pocket for his smokes. He lit up without thinking and it took a few moments for the penny to drop before he was stubbing it out on the bench hastily. "Fuck, sorry. I didn't even think. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the fact you're pregnant. Jesus... I'll-I'll talk to her. But if she can't, I... can't. She might just think differently to Cameron. Maybe he's just messed up over Pat. I know he's tapping into the twin voodoo, which is kinda freaky, but I respect it. It's not like I've ever been a twin to understand it. But I'll talk to her," he promised.
Izzy looked forlornly at the discarded cigarette, and opened her the paper bag of stuff he'd got her. She gave a little nod, and unwrapped the burger to toss the pieces of tomato in it aside. She hadn't been able to eat the red fruit-slash-vegetable since she'd been pregnant. Now she knew why. Before it had just been a weird anomaly in her diet. "Yeah, of course. I wouldn't if she didn't... I'm not like that. Well, not much."
James leaned over and stole a bite of the burger before she even managed to get it to her mouth. He chewed slowly, licking some of the sauce from the corner of his lips. He was quiet in thought for a few moments and then he loosened his tie and unbuttoned a couple of his shirt buttons to get a little more comfortable. "Life sucks," he finally piped up with, not really revealing the true extent of his thoughts. The words were slightly choked when the regret clenched in his gut again as he realised he really was wishing somewhere deep inside it was him and Izzy having a kid.
"And doesn't even swallow. It's a full on tease," Iz commented as she took a bite of her burger and chewed hungrily. She was starving all over again, the sundae milkshake a distant memory after the emotional onslaught of the past few minutes. There was no way she was ever going to be able to be near James without feeling drained. Not when she still felt like she was being smothered, like a huge part of her was being held back. She realised she was still awkwardly hanging onto his wedding band in her hand, and held it out to him while she took another bite.
James looked at the ring in her hand and then slowly reached for it, holding it between his fingers. "Maybe we should get Ali to slap us both around," he murmured, feeling a small shiver of something creep up his spine. For a few moments, it got too much again and a couple of tears escaped. This time, he made no move to brush them away and just let them slip down his cheeks as his hand closed around the ring so it was out of sight.
"See, now I'm just thinking about you, me, and S&M. I am so fucking sex starved right now... I know it's not Cameron's fault or anything, but shit... Add that to the whole big ball of mess that you and me are, and I'm ready to explode. Think they'd sell vibrators in the gift shop?" Iz asked as she glanced at him. If she said anything serious, she'd cry. And probably wouldn't stop.
James rested his head in his hand and looked at her with a smirk, his eyes still damp. "I'm getting too sensitive in my old age for S&M," he sniggered. "You and Ali can slap each other around naked, and I'll watch," he offered mischievously. "Then get murdered by the paramedic and the footballer for getting off on it. Now there is a Hollywood murder thriller if ever we saw one."
Iz snorted. "Only if I get approval over who plays me. I'm not letting it be some tramp. I'm going to be sexier than anyone they come up with."
"Gotta be Paris Hilton," James through back with a snort. "Ali can be played by... some chick with really sharp claws and crippling death glare." The tip of his finger curled into the wedding ring in his palm as he wet his lips, his face falling serious. "You need to really think about all this, you know. I'm not... I'm not going to do anything rash. Your pregnant with his kid. You need to know what you're doing and not just caught up because he told you that you should. The guy's hurting. He thought the kid was mine. He might just be trying to be chivalrous, wondering if you ever really will love him 100%."
"I was relieved. He gave me permission, and I was relieved. I don't know what kind of person that makes me. I just know I can't keep carrying around all this shit." Izzy finished off the burger in a couple of bites, and licked at her lips. "I know I'm pregnant with his kid. I know this is serious. I know this could all blow up... but I can't stop feeling relieved of some heavy burden. Which is kind of funny, because if I really wanted to be a bitch I could just make a lot of noise about being your wife still. But I'm not... And I wouldn't. I just figured you should know."
James scratched at his forehead with his thumb. "I'm glad you didn't, because apparently my kid is in there growing ears and can hear shit, or something along those lines." He held his hands together in the size of a small bundle, the ring having come to be around his pinkie finger. "It's, like, a real kid in there. My kid. Some days that sounds so cool, and other's I just... wonder where my old life went. And I'm an arsehole for that."
"Guess we're both pretty shit people... I haven't even had an ultrasound yet. And I should. Just not sure how to tell Cameron when it means he'd have to leave his brother. He hasn't even told anyone yet." Iz looked at James' hands. "You'll be a great dad. I know you will."
James shrugged. "You're my wife, you've got to say that," he said with a slight laugh. "You should get to that ultrasound. Make sure everything is alright in there, according to our resident Earth Mother, Ali... not," he added in amusement. "You should talk to Riley. He's Harri's doctor, she really trusts him, and he's Cameron's mate. You're in his stamping ground here. You should take advantage of it. And Pat's a nurse. He'll probably wake up and bitch slap you both for poor pregnancy healthcare."
"No, I think right now I'm supposed to say you'll be a shit dad since I'm somehow both your estranged wife, and your best friend." Iz laughed a little, and bumped her knee against his. "I'll see if Riley's around... Give Cameron some more rest before I try and convince him Pat will be okay long enough to have the ultrasound. What are the chances of Riley agreeing to do it in Pat's room just in case? Are you going to see Harri while you're here?"
"Riley's a good doctor, but I don't think he's good enough to drag an ultrasound suite to the ICU. I think only actual patients get that courtesy," James said with a smirk and gestured out towards the car park. "Nah, I figured I should go the whole hog with the cheating boyfriend thing and just get back in my car and fuck off home without saying hello. Doesn't matter that her Man Bag's husband is seriously ill or anything. She'll cope," he told her, looking at her in amusement.
Iz looked at him, and stuck her tongue out. "I'm allowed to have a brain spasm moment when I'm a confused pregnant lady."
James stood up, brushing the back of his pants off. "And on that note, I really should go make sure they're okay. Harri told me Aiden's struggling. I might be able to help her out as a sounding board or something. Not that I even now how I'm supposed to help, but I want to. Pat's a really great guy. I assume that stems to his twin." He pointed to her slightly. "See, I didn't totally assume your other half was a wanker. Just that he might have potential for it."
Izzy smirked, staying sitting for a moment longer. "Just remember the potential wanker is letting you fuck your wife if you want. So you play nice, Fraser."
"I'll still smash the potential wanker's face in if he hurts you," James had to add as he stuffed his things back into his bag and slung it over his shoulder. He stopped to give her a brief kiss, smiling as he squeezed her shoulder. "Don't eat too much junk food. I don't want my step kid in there going into glucose shock."
"Step kid, huh? I'll make sure they're okay," Iz promised as she smiled up at him. "Take care of your woman, loser."
Words: 5119 | All muses referred to with permission and come from the princeton2nyc verse
[Follows THIS]
Izzy sat outside PPTH as she waited for James. It had been a little over three hours, but given it was a hospital, she was giving him time to find a park. Hospitals were a bitch regardless of state. She was still replaying her conversation with Cameron through her mind, trying to work out what kind of sick woman it made her to actually love a guy more because he was giving her permisson to find 'closure' with her ex, and not call it cheating.
She looked down at her hand, her green eyes fixed on the gold band on her middle finger. It was her wedding ring, but she hadn't worn it on her ring finger in a long time. Truth was, if it was going to get down to cheating, it was Cameron who was the other guy considering she was married to James still. Iz wet her lips and wondered if Harri would be so accepting of this scenario, and willing to let James do this.
Or if James would even say yes. Hell, Izzy wasn't even sure what she was actually going to ask him. Did she want sex with him? Was that really how closure was going to be achieved? Could you say goodbye with sex, and not want it again? She had no idea how this was going to work, but they had to do something. Cameron was right, none of them were in a good headspace regardless of how much they wanted to be.
James was stifling a yawn as he walked up the sidewalk in front of the looming hospital. He was still dressed from work and working way through a double strength latte, skim milk and unsweetened, of course. Ever since the coma, his doctor had been riding his back about keeping a strict diet. Putting himself into glucose shock hadn't been the best move for his body, even if it was vital for his life. It meant he had to kiss goodbye to a lot of junk food while his system tried to find some normalcy again. He was also on large insulin doses and the new needles hurt like a bitch. It was his punishment, though, and he knew it. He found Izzy sitting not far from the entraceway and he cleared his throat to get her attention. "You know how to pick your spots, don't you? You're, like, four feet away from where Lachlan got shot," he revealed to her, remembering the case notes he had read and the fact Alex had pointed the spot out to him once before. He handed over her sundae and another bag of junk food he couldn't even remember what he bought. "I hope you don't mind melted ice cream. I got into a verbal fight with the drive-thru bloke."
Izzy looked up with a frown before she looked down at the ground. "Fuck..." she said, really not intending to have picked the spot. She stood up as she clutched at her sundae, and bag of goodies, moving away already to find another spot. She trusted James to follow. Iz was already starting to drink the melted concoction. "Hey, it'll be like a thickshake. I'm sure I'll cope. What did you have a verbal with the drive-thru bloke about? And thanks for coming, and bringing the sundae. I really appreciate it."
"Sure you don't want to stay, take in the Princeton highlights?" James followed, but pointed to a patch of the sidewalk a few paces away. "It's lighter than the rest of the sidewalk because they had to clean away the blood. You must really be pregnant, squeamish about a crime scene. Pierce is going to have a field day with you," he teased, sipping his coffee. His watch buzzed and he looked at her, eyebrows raised. "Are you going to barf if I take my injection in front of you?"
"I just don't want to be somewhere morbid," Iz countered as she glanced at the patch of sidewalk again. Her stomach did churn though, and for a moment she thought she was about to bring back up the sundae she'd all but finished inhaling. "Pierce can kiss my ass. I'll be fine. Just need to not have this conversation where Cameron's brother's best friend got shot. I won't barf, I can still handle needles and hospitals." She stopped at another bench sheltered by a tree and sat down again. "It was a pretty shitty time for all of them. Seems unfair they need to keep getting reminded."
James tilted his head. "Not just shot, his heart stopped beating. I'm stopping now. I know it's weird, and you haven't even read the case notes. That's why Alex is here playing Dr Feelgood. Lachlan's case, it's still open in the SS. It's all hush hush." He sat down beside her and unhooked his black satchel from over his shoulder to find his injection kit. "Some things you just never forget. Nice people, though. Are you going to marry into their family?" As if to emphasise, he reached into his pocket and held out a gold band to her, offering her a sad smile.
"What's this?" Izzy asked as she took it. She turned it over, and for a long moment it didn't click. When it did, she held it back out to him. "No, I don't want it. I already have one. You should keep it. Even if it's in a drawer somewhere. It still means something..." She made a face as she looked away, the ring still in her hand for now. "I don't know. I still have to get through marrying the parents, and apparently shattering his brother's dreams. Why is the case still open? Or shouldn't I ask?" She turned back to look at James, her eyes watching his face closely. "What would you say if I told you Cameron gave us permission to get closure?"
James didn't take the ring back, he just watched her face closely, his kit sitting between his hands. "Drugs. He was shot by a chick with links to a large drug ring. Riley Browne's patient who stabbed him with a needle is a person of interest too because it all happen in a very short space of time. It's technically not my jurisdiction, it's Alex's, but it crosses to my team's investigation, which is why we work together." He unzipped the small pack and took out the needle and syringe. "What did you do, spike his coffee to get him lucid? I thought you hadn't spoken to him."
Iz sighed as her fingers curled around the ring and she held it tightly. "I hope Alex realises they're still open wounds if he starts digging in their lives. Time might have passed, but given how public Lachlan's shooting was, he still gets reminded constantly. And he's still suffering PTSD. Riley's having trouble as well, his whole life's been turned upside down. These fuckers are just... I hate them. The drug runners, not Lachlan and Riley, clearly." Izzy cleared her throat. "I had three hours to talk to him. I didn't even have to bring it up, he volunteered it. I think he just gets how fucked up it's been. Actually, he brought it up because he admitted to thinking the baby was yours for a few crazy moments when I first told him. He'd just assumed we'd fucked. Maybe fucked more than once."
"They don't even know Alex is an Agent. As far as they're concerned, he's the Paediatrician who diagnosed the bub's diabetes, and nothing else," James assured her, amused how close she had gotten herself to the group. It was easy to do, they were wonderful people. He just wondered if she realised it yet. He listened to what she was saying closely, the syringe twirling slowly between his fingers. "And he was okay with that? There I was not sure how much credit to give the guy."
"You should give him a lot," Izzy said quietly, her green eyes flashing briefly. "He's not some dumb jock. He's actually pretty switched on. I think he understood things better than I did. He gets it, and I think he just wants to do the right thing. He wants us to be able to have whatever closure we need because it'll be better for everyone in the long run. And he just thinks it'll be better now than leaving it too late."
James smirked. "No, don't give me the bloody death glare, alright? You're forgetting how attached I am to Pat and Aiden. They're going to be my kid's godfathers. I've only had how Cameron reacted to them getting married to go on. I haven't had a whole lot of time to get to know the guy otherwise. I just know that Pat and Aiden were devastated. But I get it. I'm hardly one to judge of misguided emotions. At all. I was just referring to the fact that he's got a lot on his plate right now, yet he is still man enough to try and help you out with this. It's admirable. How do you feel about his suggestion?" He took the vial of insulin and turned it over a few times before drawing the injection up. He untucked his shirt and neatly injected his stomach, something she had seen him do hundreds of times over the years.
"Can't you add in the fact that I'm with him as being enough to go on? All the other exes aside, don't you think my taste would have improved since you? And I don't mean that the way it sounds. I mean, you improved my taste. The bar was set higher after you. I never expected anyone to fill the hole, and maybe they haven't. You came back, and the hole was plugged in and smoothed over... Until I start thinking about what we used to have, and what we might have had... Cameron had to make his own hole, and he's got to live with that knowledge." Iz watched him, all too aware of the fact that she actually used to do a lot of his injections. She leaned forward as she felt the tears she'd held back since being in the hospital room with Cameron surge forward, and she bit down on her lip to stifle a sob. She wasn't sure why everything was hitting her again now, but maybe it was because she knew she didn't have to hide it from Cameron anymore. Which automatically meant she didn't need to hide it from James, either. He was now going to get an undiluted, and hormonal Isabel Owens. Another sob, not so successfully stifled slipped out, and she watched a couple of tears hit the pavement in front of her. "You were my husband! I fucking loved you!"
James looked at her calmly. "Yeah, I'm just going to politely remind you that one of those other exes belted my face in, okay? Let's just leave it at that. Why should I take him on face value, Iz? You were my fucking world for over two years. And yeah, I know it took me long enough to get my finger out of my arse, but it wasn't an open and closed case. It could never be! We were partners and you came into my life just when I thought I could never trust letting anyone close to me again. It took me that long to learn that I wanted to take that risk with you. You know I was fucked up and why, you were one of the only ones who really did know everything. So, no. I can't just take it that this bloke isn't going to hurt you, alright? I need to see for myself that he deserves to be with you, because fuck knows I didn't! I didn't deserve you, Izzy! I was so crazy about getting justice for David, and you know why? Because I convinced myself in my head that if I got justice for him, it would protect you. That's why I went away. I thought if I did the job well, I could come back one day and if we were meant to be, it would all work out. I didn't just love you, Isabel, you fucking saved me from myself! I worshipped you!" he told her, tears forming in his own eyes. "But you deserved better," he added hoarsely.
"No, I didn't! You don't get to make that fucking choice for me. You never got to make that choice for me. Who gave you the right, Camp--Fraser? Who gave you the fucking right?!" Iz all but screamed at him. Luckily her voice gave out halfway through and it came out more of a loud whisper. She rest her head in her hand, tears streaming down her cheeks as she glanced at him. "I gave you everything for more than two years. I worshipped you, too! All I wanted was for you to realise you loved me, and you wanted me just as much, and then when you did, you left! You broke my heart. You broke it, and you tore it up, and you set it on fucking fire... And I still love you. I still wish sometimes I was waking up to you and not--and I'm such a fucking bitch! I thought I'd dealt with it, but I hadn't. I'd just run away like usual, and then you were there and I could touch you, and taste you, and feel you, but you had Harri... You weren't you. You weren't mine."
James reached up and brushed the tears from his eyes roughly. His lips were pressed tightly together as he stared ahead across the carpark, the spent injection still in his hand. "No, I wasn't me," he said lowly. "I can't apologise anymore. I fucked up. I'm going to pay for that for the rest of my life. I never planned for what happened with Harri to happen, but it did. See? I fucked up again. From the get go, it was all one big fuck up and every single fucking person I loved got caught in the tangled mess of shit." He turned back and looked at her. "By the time I came back, things were... I don't even know what they were. I don't even know if Harri knows who I am even now, and I can only take each day to try and fix that. But she's having my son. My kid, Izzy. It wasn't planned, none of it was. Welcome to the club, but you know what? It's not just about you and me anymore. Your kid and my kid, any move we make now is going to impact on them. I can't change what's happened and I don't regret trying to do what I did in the SS to make a difference so someone else in David's shoes doesn't get slaughtered in a drug raid and leave their family behind. You or me, what happened to David could have been us... still could be. I don't know how to fix any of this. I don't know what to say anymore. Every time we try to work to breach the gap, you end up yelling at me for everything I took away from you! Maybe you should be thinking about everything you gained because of it?"
"It's hard," Izzy breathed out as she tried to stem the flow of tears. She sat up, automatically moving into James' side as she rest her head on his shoulder. "You're my best friend, and the man I love. It's hard to forget that. I'm sorry I keep yelling at you, but I can't... My heart still hurts. I looked at Harri when you came back, and she was pregnant and whatever, and all I could think was that I wished it was me. And now I'm pregnant, and you said you wanted it to be you. I know it's not just us, and I know it's never going to be just us ever again..." She looked up at him, her green eyes shining with tears. "But maybe for one last night it can be? Let's just say goodbye..."
James felt something tug sharply in his chest and before he could stop himself, he breached the gap between them and was kissing her, his hand cupping the back of her head so her long, thick hair slipped through his fingers. It felt like coming home after a long, tiring trip. Or putting your daggy old bathrobe on that you had for years when you didn't feel well. But he soon pulled back and put his hand up to his lips as he still tasted her there. He closed his eyes momentarily and looked down at his lips with a small sigh. "You know that song, the fucking cheesy Whitney Houston one that gets right in your ear drums and stabs away at the migraine centre of your brain? I hate Whitney Houston, but that's not my point. The song, have you ever listened to the words? That's us, you know. That's me, to you. How are we supposed to know it will stop at one night? What if it starts everything all over again and we can't walk away?" he asked her.
Iz whimpered as he pulled away, her hand gripping his shirt to stop him escaping too far. God, she'd missed the way he tasted. She had to keep looking at his mouth day in and day out, and she'd wanted to kiss it repeatedly but couldn't. It was like waving the best whiskey in front of an alcoholic and telling them it was only for looking at. Actually, that's exactly what she felt like. She felt like an alcoholic, and James was her favourite drink. She let her head fall against his chest as she breathed him in, and just pretended for one really long moment, that nothing else existed. "We've already started everything all over again by wanting each other, and not giving in. You and me wrote the book on UST. And I can't do this. I can't spend my working hours wanting you, when I should be thinking about Cameron. Even if we're the Whitney Houston song. I just... I need to know that maybe we can take the chance, and risk it, and know it'll help us heal..."
James was searching her eyes as she spoke and he couldn't help but smirk a little for a moment. "You realise I'm going to pay Lachlan to sing that song to you next time we're altogether. He might kill me for it, and then we wouldn't be in this mess," he said with a slight laugh and then put the injection on the bench beside him so he could rub both hands over his face with a heavy sigh. "I'm terrified. I have never in my life been this terrified of what's going to happen, and I don't even know how to talk to Harri about this with Aiden in the state he's in. Where do I start?"
"I don't know, same place Cameron did? I can't even believe he just knew... He didn't even really... he just got it. For all I know he's going to freak out later, but I think he maybe won't let himself love me until he knows I'm free. I keep telling him I love him, and I do. I just love you at the same time, and I just... It's hard not to think all the other stuff that comes with it. You're still technically my husband." Iz moved away from him again, trying to gather herself as she wiped at her eyes and let out a heavy sigh. "You pay Lachlan to sing that song, and I will put Tobasco in your drink. I should have known you'd pick a shit song to be ours."
James smirked again. "You're so going to go home and put it on the CD player and sob into my jacket over it," he teased, neither of them ever really being able to stop the piss-pulling, despite that pain and drama they had to drag themselves through. "And I know you kept my jacket. Ali told me, and then smacked me in the head for leaving again. She's going to give me brain damage one of these days. You know the ironic part? I always told Mark I would never, ever fucking follow in his footsteps. Now I'm standing on the edge of it and about to plunge in head first."
"And then I might burn the jacket because it just brings me bad memories," Iz smirked as she flicked her hair over her shoulder. "If I find out you kept some of my underwear... I'll just lose all respect for you." Iz reached out to take his hand, her fingers curling around it as she held it. "I wouldn't let you be him. I wouldn't let you do that to Harri. I'm not asking for a relationship, I'm just... asking to fuck my dead husband once. Let it be the goodbye you should have given me months ago. Please. Just tell me everything you should have told me then, and let me cry and yell just once more and get it out of our systems. You're not mine, James. I know you're not. I just need to grieve my way. Please?"
"I didn't just keep it, I wear it," James threw back jokingly and then sniggered, feeling around in his pocket for his smokes. He lit up without thinking and it took a few moments for the penny to drop before he was stubbing it out on the bench hastily. "Fuck, sorry. I didn't even think. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the fact you're pregnant. Jesus... I'll-I'll talk to her. But if she can't, I... can't. She might just think differently to Cameron. Maybe he's just messed up over Pat. I know he's tapping into the twin voodoo, which is kinda freaky, but I respect it. It's not like I've ever been a twin to understand it. But I'll talk to her," he promised.
Izzy looked forlornly at the discarded cigarette, and opened her the paper bag of stuff he'd got her. She gave a little nod, and unwrapped the burger to toss the pieces of tomato in it aside. She hadn't been able to eat the red fruit-slash-vegetable since she'd been pregnant. Now she knew why. Before it had just been a weird anomaly in her diet. "Yeah, of course. I wouldn't if she didn't... I'm not like that. Well, not much."
James leaned over and stole a bite of the burger before she even managed to get it to her mouth. He chewed slowly, licking some of the sauce from the corner of his lips. He was quiet in thought for a few moments and then he loosened his tie and unbuttoned a couple of his shirt buttons to get a little more comfortable. "Life sucks," he finally piped up with, not really revealing the true extent of his thoughts. The words were slightly choked when the regret clenched in his gut again as he realised he really was wishing somewhere deep inside it was him and Izzy having a kid.
"And doesn't even swallow. It's a full on tease," Iz commented as she took a bite of her burger and chewed hungrily. She was starving all over again, the sundae milkshake a distant memory after the emotional onslaught of the past few minutes. There was no way she was ever going to be able to be near James without feeling drained. Not when she still felt like she was being smothered, like a huge part of her was being held back. She realised she was still awkwardly hanging onto his wedding band in her hand, and held it out to him while she took another bite.
James looked at the ring in her hand and then slowly reached for it, holding it between his fingers. "Maybe we should get Ali to slap us both around," he murmured, feeling a small shiver of something creep up his spine. For a few moments, it got too much again and a couple of tears escaped. This time, he made no move to brush them away and just let them slip down his cheeks as his hand closed around the ring so it was out of sight.
"See, now I'm just thinking about you, me, and S&M. I am so fucking sex starved right now... I know it's not Cameron's fault or anything, but shit... Add that to the whole big ball of mess that you and me are, and I'm ready to explode. Think they'd sell vibrators in the gift shop?" Iz asked as she glanced at him. If she said anything serious, she'd cry. And probably wouldn't stop.
James rested his head in his hand and looked at her with a smirk, his eyes still damp. "I'm getting too sensitive in my old age for S&M," he sniggered. "You and Ali can slap each other around naked, and I'll watch," he offered mischievously. "Then get murdered by the paramedic and the footballer for getting off on it. Now there is a Hollywood murder thriller if ever we saw one."
Iz snorted. "Only if I get approval over who plays me. I'm not letting it be some tramp. I'm going to be sexier than anyone they come up with."
"Gotta be Paris Hilton," James through back with a snort. "Ali can be played by... some chick with really sharp claws and crippling death glare." The tip of his finger curled into the wedding ring in his palm as he wet his lips, his face falling serious. "You need to really think about all this, you know. I'm not... I'm not going to do anything rash. Your pregnant with his kid. You need to know what you're doing and not just caught up because he told you that you should. The guy's hurting. He thought the kid was mine. He might just be trying to be chivalrous, wondering if you ever really will love him 100%."
"I was relieved. He gave me permission, and I was relieved. I don't know what kind of person that makes me. I just know I can't keep carrying around all this shit." Izzy finished off the burger in a couple of bites, and licked at her lips. "I know I'm pregnant with his kid. I know this is serious. I know this could all blow up... but I can't stop feeling relieved of some heavy burden. Which is kind of funny, because if I really wanted to be a bitch I could just make a lot of noise about being your wife still. But I'm not... And I wouldn't. I just figured you should know."
James scratched at his forehead with his thumb. "I'm glad you didn't, because apparently my kid is in there growing ears and can hear shit, or something along those lines." He held his hands together in the size of a small bundle, the ring having come to be around his pinkie finger. "It's, like, a real kid in there. My kid. Some days that sounds so cool, and other's I just... wonder where my old life went. And I'm an arsehole for that."
"Guess we're both pretty shit people... I haven't even had an ultrasound yet. And I should. Just not sure how to tell Cameron when it means he'd have to leave his brother. He hasn't even told anyone yet." Iz looked at James' hands. "You'll be a great dad. I know you will."
James shrugged. "You're my wife, you've got to say that," he said with a slight laugh. "You should get to that ultrasound. Make sure everything is alright in there, according to our resident Earth Mother, Ali... not," he added in amusement. "You should talk to Riley. He's Harri's doctor, she really trusts him, and he's Cameron's mate. You're in his stamping ground here. You should take advantage of it. And Pat's a nurse. He'll probably wake up and bitch slap you both for poor pregnancy healthcare."
"No, I think right now I'm supposed to say you'll be a shit dad since I'm somehow both your estranged wife, and your best friend." Iz laughed a little, and bumped her knee against his. "I'll see if Riley's around... Give Cameron some more rest before I try and convince him Pat will be okay long enough to have the ultrasound. What are the chances of Riley agreeing to do it in Pat's room just in case? Are you going to see Harri while you're here?"
"Riley's a good doctor, but I don't think he's good enough to drag an ultrasound suite to the ICU. I think only actual patients get that courtesy," James said with a smirk and gestured out towards the car park. "Nah, I figured I should go the whole hog with the cheating boyfriend thing and just get back in my car and fuck off home without saying hello. Doesn't matter that her Man Bag's husband is seriously ill or anything. She'll cope," he told her, looking at her in amusement.
Iz looked at him, and stuck her tongue out. "I'm allowed to have a brain spasm moment when I'm a confused pregnant lady."
James stood up, brushing the back of his pants off. "And on that note, I really should go make sure they're okay. Harri told me Aiden's struggling. I might be able to help her out as a sounding board or something. Not that I even now how I'm supposed to help, but I want to. Pat's a really great guy. I assume that stems to his twin." He pointed to her slightly. "See, I didn't totally assume your other half was a wanker. Just that he might have potential for it."
Izzy smirked, staying sitting for a moment longer. "Just remember the potential wanker is letting you fuck your wife if you want. So you play nice, Fraser."
"I'll still smash the potential wanker's face in if he hurts you," James had to add as he stuffed his things back into his bag and slung it over his shoulder. He stopped to give her a brief kiss, smiling as he squeezed her shoulder. "Don't eat too much junk food. I don't want my step kid in there going into glucose shock."
"Step kid, huh? I'll make sure they're okay," Iz promised as she smiled up at him. "Take care of your woman, loser."
Words: 5119 | All muses referred to with permission and come from the princeton2nyc verse