well, here it goes
I just posted this to spacefem.com... I was uneasy about putting this on here at first, but I'm gonna do it.
It's long. I won't judge you if you don't read the whole thing.
So I've had this issue for a long time.. I guess I'll start near the beginning
When I was young I always had this constant and strong fear that someone was going to break into our house. I also have a very over-active imagination. I'd be lying awake in bed at night after both my parents went to bed (maybe it was because I was the only one on the first floor and my parents were upstairs?) and I would hear a noise and get utterly paralyzed with fear. It was always just the cat or the wind blowing or a squirrel outside, but I was always certain that is was someone coming into my house to kill my family and kill me. My imagination would come into play and I could picture the entire thing in my head. Someone killing my parents, me witnessing it, me hiding, them finding me, them killing me, news reporters outside my house, my whole family's funeral, my grandparents and aunts and uncles crying at our funeral... and the whole time I was just completely terrified.
This problem has never gone away. In fact, it has gotten worse. Every time I get into a car I can picture a horrible car accident where me and everyone in the car dies, or maybe just all my friends die and I have to live my life knowing I'm the only one who lived. I'm terrified of red lights, because I'm afraid I or the driver is going to try to run it and fail (car crash, death) or stop too quickly (lose control, car crash, death) or the car behind us wont pay attention (rear-ended, probably not death but still not fun.) This is especially when I'm with my fiance, Jason. We got into an accident this December on the way to Michigan where we went off the highway in the ice and almost went down this huge cliff (no joke, the back tires were hanging off. If we had gone an inch father, we would be dead). I lose sleep at night thinking "What if we had died?" "What if I had lived but he died?" "What if I died and he lived?"
I still have thoughts like I did when I was little about someone coming in. It's worse now that I'm at college. All I can think about is "what if someone in my dorm is like that Virginia Tech kid? What if he comes and kills me?" everytime I hear a loud noise when I'm in the shower (which, I'm sure you dorm inhabitants know is constantly) I automatically think it's someone breaking my door down, shooting my roomate, and I'm in the shower helpless. When I'm home and in bed, I can almost hear someone breaking down the door, coming up the stairs, and intending to kill Jason, his family, the dog, and me.
These thoughts keep me up for hours at night. The fear is paralyzing. I am so tense right now and I feel like I'm about to cry because typing all this out brings those fears to the front of my head and I feel like I'm in danger right now.
I save every voice mails that Jason and my mom leave when they tell me they love me. I do this because I'm afraid it's the last time I'll hear from them. I worry every day that something is going to happen to my mom, mainly because I don't see her very much anymore.
I think these feelings might be mainly because of my new-found love of life that I have these fears. When I used to be depressed, I hated life and didn't fear death at all- I even had suicidal thoughts. Now, I have Jason and we're engaged. We want to have a family and live our life together and I'm terrified that something will happen that will make that impossible. I can't watch movies where someone's husband or boyfriend dies because it drives me into a state of panic. I have vivid nightmares about Jason dying in some car accident or being murdered and I wake up at night so scared that I have to call him immediately and make sure he's okay.
Jason is the only person I've told this to before and when I told him, he sobbed. I felt bad for making him upset, but I had to get it out. Now I'm pretty sure these thoughts are abnormal. I wonder if I should go see a professional about this. I know my school offers free counseling services but I don't know much about it.
It's long. I won't judge you if you don't read the whole thing.
So I've had this issue for a long time.. I guess I'll start near the beginning
When I was young I always had this constant and strong fear that someone was going to break into our house. I also have a very over-active imagination. I'd be lying awake in bed at night after both my parents went to bed (maybe it was because I was the only one on the first floor and my parents were upstairs?) and I would hear a noise and get utterly paralyzed with fear. It was always just the cat or the wind blowing or a squirrel outside, but I was always certain that is was someone coming into my house to kill my family and kill me. My imagination would come into play and I could picture the entire thing in my head. Someone killing my parents, me witnessing it, me hiding, them finding me, them killing me, news reporters outside my house, my whole family's funeral, my grandparents and aunts and uncles crying at our funeral... and the whole time I was just completely terrified.
This problem has never gone away. In fact, it has gotten worse. Every time I get into a car I can picture a horrible car accident where me and everyone in the car dies, or maybe just all my friends die and I have to live my life knowing I'm the only one who lived. I'm terrified of red lights, because I'm afraid I or the driver is going to try to run it and fail (car crash, death) or stop too quickly (lose control, car crash, death) or the car behind us wont pay attention (rear-ended, probably not death but still not fun.) This is especially when I'm with my fiance, Jason. We got into an accident this December on the way to Michigan where we went off the highway in the ice and almost went down this huge cliff (no joke, the back tires were hanging off. If we had gone an inch father, we would be dead). I lose sleep at night thinking "What if we had died?" "What if I had lived but he died?" "What if I died and he lived?"
I still have thoughts like I did when I was little about someone coming in. It's worse now that I'm at college. All I can think about is "what if someone in my dorm is like that Virginia Tech kid? What if he comes and kills me?" everytime I hear a loud noise when I'm in the shower (which, I'm sure you dorm inhabitants know is constantly) I automatically think it's someone breaking my door down, shooting my roomate, and I'm in the shower helpless. When I'm home and in bed, I can almost hear someone breaking down the door, coming up the stairs, and intending to kill Jason, his family, the dog, and me.
These thoughts keep me up for hours at night. The fear is paralyzing. I am so tense right now and I feel like I'm about to cry because typing all this out brings those fears to the front of my head and I feel like I'm in danger right now.
I save every voice mails that Jason and my mom leave when they tell me they love me. I do this because I'm afraid it's the last time I'll hear from them. I worry every day that something is going to happen to my mom, mainly because I don't see her very much anymore.
I think these feelings might be mainly because of my new-found love of life that I have these fears. When I used to be depressed, I hated life and didn't fear death at all- I even had suicidal thoughts. Now, I have Jason and we're engaged. We want to have a family and live our life together and I'm terrified that something will happen that will make that impossible. I can't watch movies where someone's husband or boyfriend dies because it drives me into a state of panic. I have vivid nightmares about Jason dying in some car accident or being murdered and I wake up at night so scared that I have to call him immediately and make sure he's okay.
Jason is the only person I've told this to before and when I told him, he sobbed. I felt bad for making him upset, but I had to get it out. Now I'm pretty sure these thoughts are abnormal. I wonder if I should go see a professional about this. I know my school offers free counseling services but I don't know much about it.