Struggled to post this...
Written last night.
Mom texted 7500centfish and I that Tito Nic died. Which was weird... B/c I asked how he was yesterday. 7500centfish had seen a party favor from Cherry's wedding which brought about my question. Anyway... I was then watching Project Runway and I could have sworn he had once said he wasn't a dress maker, he was a designer. I mean, we're not blood relatives, but... I'm still sad. Like we kinda grew up together with thier kids, even geebs has a connection via going to school with Rodney and being in Jennie's Sweet 16. Anyway, his wake and stuff is next week. 7500centfish will try to come down for the funeral. Jennie and I'm assuming, the aunts won't be making it b/c Jennie has to focus on Tita Mena right now. She broke her shoulder and needs surgery. Anyway, he had pancreatic cancer which metastasized to his bones.
There was 0 traffic today, so I ended up at work like 20 minutes early. I texted Marna asking if I could come in early / leave early b/c I had an MD appt. Well... I got a holter placed. She recently had one too. She has an arrhythmia. As far as I know I just have tachycardia. It says to write my activities in a diary... I wonder if I should write I just preformed a valsalva maneuver. I mean... I know it causes changes in a tracing, so should I make note of it or have them just assume?
Anyway, what I really wanted to write about... I actually wanted to write about it around new years. Kinda in response to things sent to family chat. Talking about blessings from God and another cousin mentioning to me about going to church / seeing a hot priest... Lol. Once again, I wonder why that is. Like why bring up going to mass with me? Like I said, back in the day people were under the impression I was ultra religious carrying around a prayer book. Anyway, it makes me wonder... I no longer think it's OK to just be spiritual. And it's not good enough to be Catholic in name. I mean... Like I said, I was going to church for years and receiving communion in a state of mortal sin! Ok, I was only aware of that recently and I resolved it after building up some courage... And like I said, even when I said I hadn't gone to confession / missed church a couple of times not one of the Aunts / Mom freaked out and made me go to confession. Like... Is it at this point every man for himself? Then back to being raised in the church... As I said, I went to Catholic school, but I don't know how good it did me. And... I don't know if it was it just didn't sink in or if I was actually poorly catechized. Would having gone to public school / CCD been better? That being said, I did like Catholic school b/c in a sense I was free to do things I wouldn't have done in Public school and there was no shame in... Like we'd have a substitute teacher who would ask if we prayed the rosary in our homes and I was the only one. No shame in raising my hand. I probably wouldn't have read the bible if I wasn't forced to, etc. But that being said... It's not enough. And... Yes we prayed the Rosary growing up and went to church weekly, went on "pilgrimages" and still... I really don't know what else you're supposed to do to raise someone Catholic and have them stick with it. As I said with me... I go through these phases where I feel like I want more and... I took classes in college, now I turn to podcast and youtube. I mean, I had a moment in mass where I was like... Not gonna lie, I love the "ritual" of the Catholic Church. Like I had this moment during the Eucharistic prayer and it like hit me.
Anyway, CSYSK reintroduced me. But Fr. Mike Schmitz... He needs to shut up and stop speaking truths!
I mean, with CSYSK... I don't know the exact podcast or if it was many... But it made me realize I need to go to confession. In one, Fr. Nathan was like please don't take communion if you've missed mass or something. Then they had another on Baptism calling Godparents liars. That hit me. Oh and "random" note. I saw a vid of Fr. John Nepil talking about the Church and Mary. MIND BLOWN!!! Basically the church and Mary cannot be seperated. Mary is the mediatrix between God and Man, just like the Catholic Church is. The Church is a woman...
But then Fr. Mike... Well long before I saw a vid on what makes you a Practicing Catholic and at the time... I realized I wasn't b/c 1. I hadn't been to confession in years and 2. I don't contribute anything financially... (I'm not sure my small percentage of my Amazon Smile counts). And 3. I don't really fast b/c... IMO, eating 2 smaller meals is lame and... I don't know how to control my BS if I don't eat. I then saw a speech he made at a FOCUS conference on John 6, about the true presence. Then another about participation during the mass. How... At baptism we are anointed priest, prophet and king. How we're called to participate in the Eucharistic prayer. Even the priest says "my sacrifice and yours"... But this video... Do All Good People Go To Heaven? really messed me up. I'm now worried / almost to a point of despair about my calling in life.
Anyway, I was listing to CSYSK in the car with 7500centfish... I mean... More cause I just don't want to listen to anything else. And... I want 7500centfish in on what I'm going through even when we may not 100% agree.
Mom texted 7500centfish and I that Tito Nic died. Which was weird... B/c I asked how he was yesterday. 7500centfish had seen a party favor from Cherry's wedding which brought about my question. Anyway... I was then watching Project Runway and I could have sworn he had once said he wasn't a dress maker, he was a designer. I mean, we're not blood relatives, but... I'm still sad. Like we kinda grew up together with thier kids, even geebs has a connection via going to school with Rodney and being in Jennie's Sweet 16. Anyway, his wake and stuff is next week. 7500centfish will try to come down for the funeral. Jennie and I'm assuming, the aunts won't be making it b/c Jennie has to focus on Tita Mena right now. She broke her shoulder and needs surgery. Anyway, he had pancreatic cancer which metastasized to his bones.
There was 0 traffic today, so I ended up at work like 20 minutes early. I texted Marna asking if I could come in early / leave early b/c I had an MD appt. Well... I got a holter placed. She recently had one too. She has an arrhythmia. As far as I know I just have tachycardia. It says to write my activities in a diary... I wonder if I should write I just preformed a valsalva maneuver. I mean... I know it causes changes in a tracing, so should I make note of it or have them just assume?
Anyway, what I really wanted to write about... I actually wanted to write about it around new years. Kinda in response to things sent to family chat. Talking about blessings from God and another cousin mentioning to me about going to church / seeing a hot priest... Lol. Once again, I wonder why that is. Like why bring up going to mass with me? Like I said, back in the day people were under the impression I was ultra religious carrying around a prayer book. Anyway, it makes me wonder... I no longer think it's OK to just be spiritual. And it's not good enough to be Catholic in name. I mean... Like I said, I was going to church for years and receiving communion in a state of mortal sin! Ok, I was only aware of that recently and I resolved it after building up some courage... And like I said, even when I said I hadn't gone to confession / missed church a couple of times not one of the Aunts / Mom freaked out and made me go to confession. Like... Is it at this point every man for himself? Then back to being raised in the church... As I said, I went to Catholic school, but I don't know how good it did me. And... I don't know if it was it just didn't sink in or if I was actually poorly catechized. Would having gone to public school / CCD been better? That being said, I did like Catholic school b/c in a sense I was free to do things I wouldn't have done in Public school and there was no shame in... Like we'd have a substitute teacher who would ask if we prayed the rosary in our homes and I was the only one. No shame in raising my hand. I probably wouldn't have read the bible if I wasn't forced to, etc. But that being said... It's not enough. And... Yes we prayed the Rosary growing up and went to church weekly, went on "pilgrimages" and still... I really don't know what else you're supposed to do to raise someone Catholic and have them stick with it. As I said with me... I go through these phases where I feel like I want more and... I took classes in college, now I turn to podcast and youtube. I mean, I had a moment in mass where I was like... Not gonna lie, I love the "ritual" of the Catholic Church. Like I had this moment during the Eucharistic prayer and it like hit me.
Anyway, CSYSK reintroduced me. But Fr. Mike Schmitz... He needs to shut up and stop speaking truths!
I mean, with CSYSK... I don't know the exact podcast or if it was many... But it made me realize I need to go to confession. In one, Fr. Nathan was like please don't take communion if you've missed mass or something. Then they had another on Baptism calling Godparents liars. That hit me. Oh and "random" note. I saw a vid of Fr. John Nepil talking about the Church and Mary. MIND BLOWN!!! Basically the church and Mary cannot be seperated. Mary is the mediatrix between God and Man, just like the Catholic Church is. The Church is a woman...
But then Fr. Mike... Well long before I saw a vid on what makes you a Practicing Catholic and at the time... I realized I wasn't b/c 1. I hadn't been to confession in years and 2. I don't contribute anything financially... (I'm not sure my small percentage of my Amazon Smile counts). And 3. I don't really fast b/c... IMO, eating 2 smaller meals is lame and... I don't know how to control my BS if I don't eat. I then saw a speech he made at a FOCUS conference on John 6, about the true presence. Then another about participation during the mass. How... At baptism we are anointed priest, prophet and king. How we're called to participate in the Eucharistic prayer. Even the priest says "my sacrifice and yours"... But this video... Do All Good People Go To Heaven? really messed me up. I'm now worried / almost to a point of despair about my calling in life.
Anyway, I was listing to CSYSK in the car with 7500centfish... I mean... More cause I just don't want to listen to anything else. And... I want 7500centfish in on what I'm going through even when we may not 100% agree.