The Talk. Oh, and Jehovah's Witnesses Came Today! (and they could not leave fast enough).
I made Mark and I coffee today. Sat him down. He was excited, really almost childishly pleased. Said he was glad I wanted a "brotherly" moment. Okay. Fine. Brotherly moment it is. I said I wanted to talk to him if he was willing to listen.
And I told him, very gently and lovingly, that I am who I am, I love who I am, and it's hurtful to me that he doesn't love me as I am when really, all I want to do is get to know my brother in the time that we've been given.
He listened. He responded. He maintained that it's hard for him to believe I am either "okay" or "happy," as he does not understand how anyone not-completely-female or not-completely-male could ever be happy. He told me, and this is something that I have heard from my parents, that it hurts him to think of what I have to go through.
And I understand that. I'm immune to other people's idiocy at this point, and I don't think much of it, but life as an androgyne is hard, it's not easy, it's full of mockery and misunderstandings from close-minded people, and I know that it's hard on even the people who accept me most (my parents) to see their child treated less than they believe I deserve. I can get behind that, and I told Mark that. But I also reminded him that it was my choice, that it's my identity, that I am willing to walk this path and that really all I want is my family and loved ones to walk on it with me. I told him I do appreciate, so much, that he loves me enough to worry about my wellbeing. But that right now I just want my brother to be happy I'm happy and love me, like that.
He said begrudgingly that he'd think about things and then we talked about random other things, the conversation culminating in a series of jokes about Indiana Jones (...I don't know how we got there either). I mentioned a new IJ movie was coming out, and he said he'd like to see it, and then the den fell completely silent when we realized that the release date was sometime in May, and there's very slim odds he'll live that long.
I cried.
He cried.
But then we hugged and he said it felt good to get everything out of his system. Later, when my sister asked for me, Mark started to say "He's - " then caught himself and muttered, "Isa's right here."
I wanted to cry all over again, but in the best possible way. Maybe we can make something out of this after all, and no matter whether he changes or doesn't change his opinion/treatment of my gender identity, I just want to make his time here so special, and so good.
I want Mark to have a lot of peace.
* * * * *
In other, lighter news: we were visited by Jehovah's Witnesses!
Bahahahaha.
The poor guy came to the door this morning mid-breakfast and knocked, and Luce and I answered. The hilarious conversation went as follows:
Luce: Can we help you?
Jehovah's Witness [JW]: Hi, I'm here with the....[yadda yadda].
Luce: ....you can come in if you want.
JW: Oh, thank you! What's your name?
Luce: Luce.
JW: And your sister?
Luce: Ze isn't my sister.
JW: I beg your pardon?
Luce: Ze is my sibling.
Me: Hi.
JW [confused as he notes my Victoria's Secret pajama pants and fuzzy pink top]: Brother?
Luce: Nope.
Me: You can call me Isa, I identify as androgyne.
JW: ........ah.
JW: Is anyone else at home with you? [stops dead when he sees my Mom in full supplication in the side room to her beautiful Goddess statue]
Luce: My mom is kind of busy, right now.
JW: I....
Luce: She's Wiccan.
JW: A witch?
Me: So'm I.
JW: Wiccan?
Me: No, Feri witchcraft, it's different
JW [looks panicked]
Luce: And I'm a butch dyke.
Me: Our dad's agnostic.
Luce: ....do you still want to come in?
He was gone before she finished the last sentence. HAH!
And I told him, very gently and lovingly, that I am who I am, I love who I am, and it's hurtful to me that he doesn't love me as I am when really, all I want to do is get to know my brother in the time that we've been given.
He listened. He responded. He maintained that it's hard for him to believe I am either "okay" or "happy," as he does not understand how anyone not-completely-female or not-completely-male could ever be happy. He told me, and this is something that I have heard from my parents, that it hurts him to think of what I have to go through.
And I understand that. I'm immune to other people's idiocy at this point, and I don't think much of it, but life as an androgyne is hard, it's not easy, it's full of mockery and misunderstandings from close-minded people, and I know that it's hard on even the people who accept me most (my parents) to see their child treated less than they believe I deserve. I can get behind that, and I told Mark that. But I also reminded him that it was my choice, that it's my identity, that I am willing to walk this path and that really all I want is my family and loved ones to walk on it with me. I told him I do appreciate, so much, that he loves me enough to worry about my wellbeing. But that right now I just want my brother to be happy I'm happy and love me, like that.
He said begrudgingly that he'd think about things and then we talked about random other things, the conversation culminating in a series of jokes about Indiana Jones (...I don't know how we got there either). I mentioned a new IJ movie was coming out, and he said he'd like to see it, and then the den fell completely silent when we realized that the release date was sometime in May, and there's very slim odds he'll live that long.
I cried.
He cried.
But then we hugged and he said it felt good to get everything out of his system. Later, when my sister asked for me, Mark started to say "He's - " then caught himself and muttered, "Isa's right here."
I wanted to cry all over again, but in the best possible way. Maybe we can make something out of this after all, and no matter whether he changes or doesn't change his opinion/treatment of my gender identity, I just want to make his time here so special, and so good.
I want Mark to have a lot of peace.
* * * * *
In other, lighter news: we were visited by Jehovah's Witnesses!
Bahahahaha.
The poor guy came to the door this morning mid-breakfast and knocked, and Luce and I answered. The hilarious conversation went as follows:
Luce: Can we help you?
Jehovah's Witness [JW]: Hi, I'm here with the....[yadda yadda].
Luce: ....you can come in if you want.
JW: Oh, thank you! What's your name?
Luce: Luce.
JW: And your sister?
Luce: Ze isn't my sister.
JW: I beg your pardon?
Luce: Ze is my sibling.
Me: Hi.
JW [confused as he notes my Victoria's Secret pajama pants and fuzzy pink top]: Brother?
Luce: Nope.
Me: You can call me Isa, I identify as androgyne.
JW: ........ah.
JW: Is anyone else at home with you? [stops dead when he sees my Mom in full supplication in the side room to her beautiful Goddess statue]
Luce: My mom is kind of busy, right now.
JW: I....
Luce: She's Wiccan.
JW: A witch?
Me: So'm I.
JW: Wiccan?
Me: No, Feri witchcraft, it's different
JW [looks panicked]
Luce: And I'm a butch dyke.
Me: Our dad's agnostic.
Luce: ....do you still want to come in?
He was gone before she finished the last sentence. HAH!