(no subject)
I’m alone. This feels so weird. I hate being alone. But now I am. And yes, I do know that saying that I’m alone is unfair to Giles and Spike and other Scoobies, but I do feel alone. And can you really blame me? I mean... I lost my mom, I lost my sister and I doubt my father even cares that I exist. Of course the existence is bit weird taking the fact that I used to be a ball of energy, but we’re not talking about that now...
And now I’m a slayer. That means I will die young as did Buffy. What kind of super power doesn’t let you live even till you’re 25? A fucking useless super power, that’s what! I don’t want to be a slayer! I mean, yeah, I did want to be one when I found out about Buffy’s power, but somehow seeing Buffy dying changed my mind. Wonder why, eh?
She shouldn’t be dead. I should. It was my fault that portal got opened. It was my blood. My stupid Key power. I should have died to stop it. But no, Buffy always had to be the hero, she jumped. And left me alone. And I hate her for that. I hate her because she didn’t let me die. Me. Instead of her. If she would let me, now she could be here. Happy. And everyone else would be happy too. Giles, because he would have his perfect slayer. Willow and Xander, because they would have their beloved best friend. Tara and Anya, because then Willow and Xander would be happy...
And Spike. Spike would be so much happier. He loved Buffy. More than anyone else ever has. I know it, he knows it, Tara knows it, and I think that Giles knows it too. Sometimes I just look at Spike and I wish I could change this all. I wish I could give Buffy back to all of them. And to myself. I miss her like crazy. I miss my sister. Awfully lot.
Spike’s napping on the couch as I walk in the living room. Wow! Tara really has cleaned nicely. It was a real mess, which that stupid robot couldn’t clean. Tara’s much more better than that idiotically Buffy-Bot, but Giles says we can’t get rid of it, at least not till I’m fully able to take over Buffy’s duties. As if I would want that! But no one asks me, of course...
“Are you gonna be snoring all evening or do we have plans?” I ask jumping on the couch and shaking Spike, so he would wake up.
And now I’m a slayer. That means I will die young as did Buffy. What kind of super power doesn’t let you live even till you’re 25? A fucking useless super power, that’s what! I don’t want to be a slayer! I mean, yeah, I did want to be one when I found out about Buffy’s power, but somehow seeing Buffy dying changed my mind. Wonder why, eh?
She shouldn’t be dead. I should. It was my fault that portal got opened. It was my blood. My stupid Key power. I should have died to stop it. But no, Buffy always had to be the hero, she jumped. And left me alone. And I hate her for that. I hate her because she didn’t let me die. Me. Instead of her. If she would let me, now she could be here. Happy. And everyone else would be happy too. Giles, because he would have his perfect slayer. Willow and Xander, because they would have their beloved best friend. Tara and Anya, because then Willow and Xander would be happy...
And Spike. Spike would be so much happier. He loved Buffy. More than anyone else ever has. I know it, he knows it, Tara knows it, and I think that Giles knows it too. Sometimes I just look at Spike and I wish I could change this all. I wish I could give Buffy back to all of them. And to myself. I miss her like crazy. I miss my sister. Awfully lot.
Spike’s napping on the couch as I walk in the living room. Wow! Tara really has cleaned nicely. It was a real mess, which that stupid robot couldn’t clean. Tara’s much more better than that idiotically Buffy-Bot, but Giles says we can’t get rid of it, at least not till I’m fully able to take over Buffy’s duties. As if I would want that! But no one asks me, of course...
“Are you gonna be snoring all evening or do we have plans?” I ask jumping on the couch and shaking Spike, so he would wake up.