Humor me, again.
Some things have been bothering me a lot. And I'm going to start from the things on the top of my head, and work to the bottom of my list and hopefully work deeper into my issues. If you're going to comment with sympathy, or something useless (not to be a jerk, but telling me what I’m saying is wrong and I’m being to hard on myself is not helping me) you can stop reading now or please hold your tongue, er fingers.
One thing that I'm really tired of, is the ridiculous fan-base. Granted, at first I enjoyed the constant flattery and reassurance every five minutes, but It got old kind of fast. I feel completely uninteresting, and that the only thing I can provide is my presence as the gay kid with pretty eyes. People don't come and talk to me because I can hold a conversation, or for any valid reasons. A bunch of high school kids fascinated by the fag. Seriously, I'm goddamn tired of "OMFG GAY BOI!!!!(*$&$!!111" I'm done with meaningless trivial bullshit. I want people to talk to me and find me interesting because I actually possess some quality they're seeking. And no, my sexual preference isn't a quality, it's genetics. And on the same note, I hear "Your eyes are beautiful" everyday, and that's started to bother me almost as much. I almost want to get hazel contacts, just so I don't have to hear it anymore. I don't like feeling like all I have is pretty eyes and a screwed up sexual preference to attract friends. You'd be surprised, I have more then one dimension. I swear. So please don't be surprised If you scream my name and get giddy and run to me with open arms and I shrug it off. I can't take anymore empty friendships with shallow and empty conversations about trivial crap. There is more to me then a set of eyeballs, wearing make-up, the color blue, and kissing boys. So please, if that's all you seek from being my friend, this is goodbye. Nothing personal, but I need you to find something better in me than that, and I need to find a better reason than ego inflation to reciprocate.
Now, I can't blame the forming of the above on anyone but myself. I allowed this to happen because of my own stupidity. Dan's upset and insecure, so lamely enough, he seeks temporary comfort by the empty minded compliments and reassurance of people who's names he seldom knows. Half of the kids that give me cigarettes and money and hugs and praise are just faces. I don't even know there names, and that's pathetic. I can bitch all I want about how it's obnoxious, but It's important that I do admit that any and all of the changes I've undergone in personality and mind-state are my fault. I can say a person hit a nerve, and set me in a direction, but I chose to walk that path. I kept going, too. This is my doing, and I am the only one who can fix this. And I need to do it on my own, with only criticism from the outside. No more candy coatings, no more bullshit. I need to find the person that exists inside me somewhere between the pussy I was, and the prick I've become.
There was a time where I was a nice, sympathetic, sensitive individual, If I may say so myself. I was everyone's advocate, and the only person I advocate for now is myself. I've become bitter, insensitive, callous to the emotions of those I care about, and in general, a selfish prick. I've become rude and indecent, and It's appalling.
I used to be a defendant of anyone. If someone was upset and crying in the corner, I didn't have to know them to ask them if they were alright. If someone needed an ear, I'd listen. When someone needed help, I would offer. Now, when someone cries I sit there awkwardly with no words of comfort. I shrug off other people's problems, because I have "enough of my own". I used to defend any pioneers of individuality. I always thought "You do your thing, I'll do mine, and we'll get along nice and easy." Now? I make fun of the kids who have styles I don't like. If you're a scene kid, I've probably said something rude to you. I never ever wanted to create more enemies, and more problems. Now I find myself going out of my way to just get a laugh at someone's expense. What business is it of mine if you wear girls pants? None, whatsoever. I've allowed myself to allow my own insecurities and complexes to be directed and taken out on other undeserving people. That's ridiculous, and we all know it.
I need to rediscover my good qualities, without returning to the person who set himself up to be used, and walked all over. I need to look in the mirror, and see the better side of me. Because, I don't like what I've become. I see why I've lost friends, and why the people who talk to me outside a handful are mere acquaintances infatuated with my sexual preference. I'm not a good person. I can see why people, for example Ryan, stop talking to me. I made fun of his friends, I criticized him, I was a dick. And all along, I should have been directing that criticism at myself. I have no one to blame but myself for where I am now.
And this ego. Ego's are making up for insecurities. I need to ditch the fake over confidence, grow up a bit, and deal with my flaws. Change what I can, live with what I can't, and stop my bitching. I wouldn't be internally complaining about how lonely I am if I wasn't such an ass. No one wants to be around a shallow imbecile.
I'm off to soul search, and find the things buried deep within myself.
One thing that I'm really tired of, is the ridiculous fan-base. Granted, at first I enjoyed the constant flattery and reassurance every five minutes, but It got old kind of fast. I feel completely uninteresting, and that the only thing I can provide is my presence as the gay kid with pretty eyes. People don't come and talk to me because I can hold a conversation, or for any valid reasons. A bunch of high school kids fascinated by the fag. Seriously, I'm goddamn tired of "OMFG GAY BOI!!!!(*$&$!!111" I'm done with meaningless trivial bullshit. I want people to talk to me and find me interesting because I actually possess some quality they're seeking. And no, my sexual preference isn't a quality, it's genetics. And on the same note, I hear "Your eyes are beautiful" everyday, and that's started to bother me almost as much. I almost want to get hazel contacts, just so I don't have to hear it anymore. I don't like feeling like all I have is pretty eyes and a screwed up sexual preference to attract friends. You'd be surprised, I have more then one dimension. I swear. So please don't be surprised If you scream my name and get giddy and run to me with open arms and I shrug it off. I can't take anymore empty friendships with shallow and empty conversations about trivial crap. There is more to me then a set of eyeballs, wearing make-up, the color blue, and kissing boys. So please, if that's all you seek from being my friend, this is goodbye. Nothing personal, but I need you to find something better in me than that, and I need to find a better reason than ego inflation to reciprocate.
Now, I can't blame the forming of the above on anyone but myself. I allowed this to happen because of my own stupidity. Dan's upset and insecure, so lamely enough, he seeks temporary comfort by the empty minded compliments and reassurance of people who's names he seldom knows. Half of the kids that give me cigarettes and money and hugs and praise are just faces. I don't even know there names, and that's pathetic. I can bitch all I want about how it's obnoxious, but It's important that I do admit that any and all of the changes I've undergone in personality and mind-state are my fault. I can say a person hit a nerve, and set me in a direction, but I chose to walk that path. I kept going, too. This is my doing, and I am the only one who can fix this. And I need to do it on my own, with only criticism from the outside. No more candy coatings, no more bullshit. I need to find the person that exists inside me somewhere between the pussy I was, and the prick I've become.
There was a time where I was a nice, sympathetic, sensitive individual, If I may say so myself. I was everyone's advocate, and the only person I advocate for now is myself. I've become bitter, insensitive, callous to the emotions of those I care about, and in general, a selfish prick. I've become rude and indecent, and It's appalling.
I used to be a defendant of anyone. If someone was upset and crying in the corner, I didn't have to know them to ask them if they were alright. If someone needed an ear, I'd listen. When someone needed help, I would offer. Now, when someone cries I sit there awkwardly with no words of comfort. I shrug off other people's problems, because I have "enough of my own". I used to defend any pioneers of individuality. I always thought "You do your thing, I'll do mine, and we'll get along nice and easy." Now? I make fun of the kids who have styles I don't like. If you're a scene kid, I've probably said something rude to you. I never ever wanted to create more enemies, and more problems. Now I find myself going out of my way to just get a laugh at someone's expense. What business is it of mine if you wear girls pants? None, whatsoever. I've allowed myself to allow my own insecurities and complexes to be directed and taken out on other undeserving people. That's ridiculous, and we all know it.
I need to rediscover my good qualities, without returning to the person who set himself up to be used, and walked all over. I need to look in the mirror, and see the better side of me. Because, I don't like what I've become. I see why I've lost friends, and why the people who talk to me outside a handful are mere acquaintances infatuated with my sexual preference. I'm not a good person. I can see why people, for example Ryan, stop talking to me. I made fun of his friends, I criticized him, I was a dick. And all along, I should have been directing that criticism at myself. I have no one to blame but myself for where I am now.
And this ego. Ego's are making up for insecurities. I need to ditch the fake over confidence, grow up a bit, and deal with my flaws. Change what I can, live with what I can't, and stop my bitching. I wouldn't be internally complaining about how lonely I am if I wasn't such an ass. No one wants to be around a shallow imbecile.
I'm off to soul search, and find the things buried deep within myself.