Detective Verse: If You're Gone
There’s a ghost in Jo’s apartment. The other side of the bed should be warm in the mornings, but there’s a cold spot instead. There’s a presence, a memory in her mind of a man, one who liked to sleep with his arm over her and his chin on the top of her head. That man is gone though, even though some morning she wakes up to the weight of his arm. There’s never any arm and she gets up telling herself not to be afraid of a figment.
She isn’t always afraid of him. Sometimes to get through her physical therapy she thinks about her ghost. She pretends he’s waiting for her, that he’s coming to pick her up, take her home and get her through another afternoon of aches and stiffness. She should work for something like her job, getting back to work and hunting down criminals, but it doesn’t motivate her like he does. He’s not there though. Her mom’s the one that picks her up and she loves how close they’ve become now, but God she wants him bad.
Her physical therapist hasn’t cleared her for desk duty, she has her mom leave her at Ed’s comic book shop. She helps out there, even though Ed would let her sit around and do nothing all day if she wanted. She needs something to do or else she’ll have nothing to do but think about him and feel his presence. She can almost hear him asking her why she’s hanging out with Ed, Harry and Ash, three of the weirdest, geekiest guys ever. There’s just Ed asking her if she needs more Tylenol, Ash rambling about Einstein, and Harry talking about ghosts. These are her friends now because she can’t go home to him.
At night, it’s the worst. Jo dreads going to bed because with it comes a rise in activity. She thinks she hears footsteps, his, down the hall coming to join her. She waits, eyes closed tight for the bed to dip under his weight and him to apologize for waking her up. It never happens, never. There’s no footsteps, no him. He’s not there, he’s in rehab and she’s alone with just her dog for company.
There’s no guarantee she’ll get him back after this either. If Sam isn’t clean, if he doesn’t stay clean she’ll have to kick him out of her life completely. The ghost in her apartment, the ghost of Sam Winchester is all that keeps her going some days. She wants him back, needs his footsteps to be real, needs his arm, his voice, his presence. She needs him and loves him, but he’s gone and all that’s left is his ghost.
She isn’t always afraid of him. Sometimes to get through her physical therapy she thinks about her ghost. She pretends he’s waiting for her, that he’s coming to pick her up, take her home and get her through another afternoon of aches and stiffness. She should work for something like her job, getting back to work and hunting down criminals, but it doesn’t motivate her like he does. He’s not there though. Her mom’s the one that picks her up and she loves how close they’ve become now, but God she wants him bad.
Her physical therapist hasn’t cleared her for desk duty, she has her mom leave her at Ed’s comic book shop. She helps out there, even though Ed would let her sit around and do nothing all day if she wanted. She needs something to do or else she’ll have nothing to do but think about him and feel his presence. She can almost hear him asking her why she’s hanging out with Ed, Harry and Ash, three of the weirdest, geekiest guys ever. There’s just Ed asking her if she needs more Tylenol, Ash rambling about Einstein, and Harry talking about ghosts. These are her friends now because she can’t go home to him.
At night, it’s the worst. Jo dreads going to bed because with it comes a rise in activity. She thinks she hears footsteps, his, down the hall coming to join her. She waits, eyes closed tight for the bed to dip under his weight and him to apologize for waking her up. It never happens, never. There’s no footsteps, no him. He’s not there, he’s in rehab and she’s alone with just her dog for company.
There’s no guarantee she’ll get him back after this either. If Sam isn’t clean, if he doesn’t stay clean she’ll have to kick him out of her life completely. The ghost in her apartment, the ghost of Sam Winchester is all that keeps her going some days. She wants him back, needs his footsteps to be real, needs his arm, his voice, his presence. She needs him and loves him, but he’s gone and all that’s left is his ghost.