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There is something about sharing your life on the Internet. It has always been the case long before the world wide web and social media - that people will take your words and use them as they seem fit. Now, in this technological age not only can people you know or interact with you on a regular basis see and use your words but total strangers as well. This includes people who's only intent is this world is to poison it with lies and . deceit. Filled with greed for more money, more love, more attention, more drugs, more drink, more vices - anything to fill the gaping hole in their sad little life, they will use your words - claim they are theirs or twist it to fit the narative they wish to share.
Since being on quartine, I have taken the time to look up old online blogs, social media accounts that I no longer use. Some I just left out of boredom, websites that I am shocked are still up and running though the prime passed in the early 2000's. Some, I walked away because there was something or someone that made me sad or feel badly, so I left for what ever reason I thought was valid at the time. I am sure reasons now I would scoff at, espically the times I left sites because I thought that was what I was supposed to do to be accepted.
Reading these old blogs and various entries opened my eyes to a lot of things.
- CHANGING WHO YOU ARE FOR SOMEONE ELSE IS STUPID
Hi, my name is Cheryl and I used to be a human sponge. What is a human sponge you say? (My defenition) A person with little or no self-image or self-esteem who abosorbes the personality of the person or group they are around. For example: A person who does not know anything about football - hangs around some NFL superfans and overnight they become a NFL superfan as well. The list goes on and on. All it takes is a person to show interest in the human sponge and he/she will twist and mold themselves into what they feel will be pleasing to the other person and thus they will be accepted and appericated and loved.
2. TIME CHANGES EVERYTHING
This is one of the most true statements I ever heard BUT it took me so very long to understand that. I think one of the reasons is when you are right in the middle of the storm and even in the aftermath of the destruction. You think this is horrible and this is bad. You can look back sometimes weeks and sometimes many, many years later and realize things happen for a reason and you have changed.
3. YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS THE VICTIM - YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS THE VILLIAN
In 2000 I decided that I was going to own my life. I was going to own all the good and all the bad. Wow, that is so much easier said than done. I mean honestly, it is really easy to say - oh look at all the times life has screwed me over. I was in a couple of really abussive relationships. I had some really shitty jobs. I have people I love and trusted betray me. I have been lied about pubically shamed and humilated by people I have considered to be my very best friends. I have people who hate me and want to destroy me etc. etc. etc. - let me play the victim card. It is easy.
On the other side of the coin - you have the villian. Look, unless you are the perfect person and live life in a complete bubble all your life. You are going to make bad choices and sometimes you are going to either intentionally or unintentionally which like it or not is going to make you the villian. I found a quote online that really hit home - you are always the hero in somone's story but you are also the villian in someone's story. Even as I said before, you are the most kind and perfect person living in a bubble. So, sometimes if you have a big heart or empath tendencies or if you grew up in a household I like I did - it very easy to believe you are the villian. You honestly feel like you are the reason somethign goes wrong. The first time I started feeling this way was when I was 5 1/2 years old and my dad had been in the Emergency Room for a suspected heart attack - I would later come to believe it was a panic attack. I had one in the middle of a resturant once and I thought I was dying. I thought I was having a heart attack in the restroom of one of the nicest resturants in Irivne.
To find the balance between victim / villian is not easy. I have gone through a lot of talk therapy to understand this balance and it is somethign I will work on the rest of my life.
4. BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST - NOT EVERYONE IS YOUR FRIEND
During my human sponge phase of my life, I wanted so much to be loved and accepted I would trust really easy. Overtime, I found out the hard way this was not a good thing. I in short was taken advantage by people who claimed they could be trusted and they couldn't. A hard lesson to learn but once learned, twice learned, three times - ten times learned, I have found
5. YOU SHOULD NEVER ASPIRE TO BLEND - i.e. YOU WERE NOT BORN TO BLEND
For a good 30 - 40 years of my life I feel one of my life goals was to blend. I was the girl who hid in the corner and wanted to fade into the background. Again, back to my human sponge stage - I know I am ranting on that one - I never really embraced who I truly was. I thought I had to fit into a neat little box. Well, I don't fit into a nice little box and that is wonderful.
6. SOME RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LAST FOREVER
Sometimes you meet someone and you think, this person and I have such an amazing bond with this person they are going to be in my life forever. Then life happens and you suddenly find yourself looking back and saying wow - that is a person that I used to know.
Example: My best friend in high school and college. My Kirby. He and I were like twins. Closer than close. Yet, in the past 30 years I have spoken to him a handful of times. We grew apart. He is an amazing part of my memories from that time in my life. He will always be my Kirby, but to the world he is Dave and I wish him nothing but the best. Really.
Well there are a lot more thigns I learned from those blogs but... well that is a story for another day.