i dont know what to call this.
i'm so fed up with being angry. with being hurt and with being unhappy.
im fed up with not talking. with dancing to steps i don't really know, or maybe know too well. with holding a grenade missing its pin in my chest.
i'm fed up with awkwardness.
IM FUCKING FED UP WITH BEING DEPRESSED. WITH BEING SUICIDAL. I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS AND I CANT MAKE IT STOP SOMETIMES.
i want it all to go away. i want to be happy again like i was in july and august, sort of. like i was the first week of school.
i hate that i take things personally. like the guys at practice today. i realize you guys HAVE dicks, you dont need to BE one. just cuz a chick is leading your run and GOD FORBID she's doing what she's told.
i hate that the doctors dont know whats wrong. i hope the ultrasound will say something more.
I HATE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE DARKNESS. the one that overwhelms my mind sometimes. the one that just drains me of everything. the one that brings the devil back and the one that whispers in my ear "just one more time. it wont hurt that much."
i hate it all. i think i might elaborate on this later. there's food waiting for now, and work i have to do.
xx.
ETA. this is selfish. but. i think i might actually cry if i dont get to go to india in march.
and II. i like my comfy clothes. they make me feel better.
im fed up with not talking. with dancing to steps i don't really know, or maybe know too well. with holding a grenade missing its pin in my chest.
i'm fed up with awkwardness.
IM FUCKING FED UP WITH BEING DEPRESSED. WITH BEING SUICIDAL. I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS AND I CANT MAKE IT STOP SOMETIMES.
i want it all to go away. i want to be happy again like i was in july and august, sort of. like i was the first week of school.
i hate that i take things personally. like the guys at practice today. i realize you guys HAVE dicks, you dont need to BE one. just cuz a chick is leading your run and GOD FORBID she's doing what she's told.
i hate that the doctors dont know whats wrong. i hope the ultrasound will say something more.
I HATE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE DARKNESS. the one that overwhelms my mind sometimes. the one that just drains me of everything. the one that brings the devil back and the one that whispers in my ear "just one more time. it wont hurt that much."
i hate it all. i think i might elaborate on this later. there's food waiting for now, and work i have to do.
xx.
ETA. this is selfish. but. i think i might actually cry if i dont get to go to india in march.
and II. i like my comfy clothes. they make me feel better.