FIC: Clean Slate - Epilogue
Title: Clean Slate (Epilogue)
Author: irishka1205
Character: Sam, Dean, Bobby, Ruby, Castiel, Uriel, Anna, Lilith
Spoilers: through 4.14
Disclaimer: I don't own anybody or anything. They all belong to the evil genius that is Eric Kripke.
Rating: PG
Summary: When Dean is attacked by demons, Sam must do whatever it takes to keep his brother safe.
Author’s Note: Huge, gigantic thank you to muses_circle for being my beta and personal cheerleader when it comes to writing and to crazundeadfairy for giving me another pair of eyes on this story and continuing to listen to my fangirly squee on daily basis.
Previous chapters: Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4| Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
All the emotions Dean experienced earlier when Ruby told him about Sam killing Lilith began rising to the top again, but he fought back. The only thing that mattered right this very moment was that Sam was ok. Sam was alive. They’d deal with everything else later. “Once you’re out of here,” Dean said as he leaned back in the chair and put his feet up on the bed stand, “We’re going to celebrate.”
******
Epilogue
Sam rolled up his shirt and stuffed it into the duffel bag, packing the last of his belongings while Dean finished up checking out the car outside. He reached for the pair of jeans hanging off the side of the bed when suddenly he felt a presence in the room.
"You know, it's polite to knock before you come in," he said as he turned to face his visitor.
Uriel was sitting on the old faded chair in the corner of the room staring at Sam, his face absent of any emotion.
"Was it worth the risk?" the angel asked, his voice quiet but strong.
Assuming the angel was referring to him almost dying, Sam didn't even pause before replying. "Lilith is dead, Lucifer is...wherever the hell he is, Dean's safe. Of course it was worth it."
"And what about your soul, Sam Winchester? Was it worth risking your soul?"
Sam held the angel's gaze. A few seconds passed before he responded with a simple "Yes."
Uriel's expression darkened and before Sam could even register the movement, the angel was mere inches away from him. "You're using powers that you can't understand. Forces that are not meant for a human to know. One day they will overtake you and there will be no coming back from that."
The two were now face to face and even though Uriel was almost whispering now Sam heard him loud and clear.
"One day you will become what you hate, Sam."
Sam stared down the angel, unwilling to be the first to break eye contact. "Then why did you save me?"
Sam felt an odd sense of pleasure at the fleeting change of expression on Uriel's face. Almost like a shock, surprise maybe at the fact that Sam knew. Sam knew Uriel healed him, that he was the one to come to his hospital room and bring him back from the brink of death. And Sam needed to know why. "If I'm such a threat, why didn't you just let me die? Save the trouble for everybody."
Uriel took a step back but did not take his eyes off of Sam. Finally he spoke. "Because today is not that day."
Sam let out an angry laugh. "You mean, I'm still useful."
"Something like that."
Sam wasn't sure why he felt disappointed, it wasn't like he expected anything more.
Uriel turned away, obviously planning on leaving. At the last minute, he turned back and looked at Sam. "Besides," he said, a strange look crossing his face, - "It wasn't really my call." With those parting words and a knowing look directed at Sam, Uriel was gone and Sam was once again alone in the room.
Sam wasn't sure how long he stood like that, rooted to the floor, unable to move, unable to breathe, just staring at the spot where the angel stood just moments before. The look on Uriel's face, the glance upward before he disappeared...Sam could hardly let himself believe what he thought Uriel was implying. Those last parting words gave him such comfort as he hadn't felt in a very long time.
Lost in thought, Sam nearly jumped as the door swung open and Dean entered the room.
Dean paused in the doorway, staring at him for a moment. "You ok?"
Sam cleared his throat, trying to find his voice again. "Yeah," was all he could muster. He walked back over to the bed and picked up his duffel bag again. "The car ready?" he finally managed to get out.
"For the time being. She's going to need a lot of TLC after the abuse you caused her," his brother replied.
Sam rolled his eyes. Ever since he got out of the hospital, Dean had been giving him a hard time about the car - how he didn’t take care of her correctly and in a timely manner. Sam of course realized what this was all about - Dean trying to talk to him about losing his memory and the role Sam played in that. A huge part of Sam wished Dean would just bring it up and get it over with. Another part of him dreaded that conversation. But if history taught him anything, it was that things got bad when the two of them kept secrets from each other. They needed to have this conversation.
He tossed the bag back on the bed and raised his eyes once again. "Why don’t you say what’s really on your mind?”
Dean stared at him with a confused look on his face. “Uh…the fact that my car is falling apart is what’s on my mind.”
“Oh, come on, Dean, we both know it’s not what this is all about. The bitching about the car…”
"Hey, I don't bitch. You're the bitch."
Dean's attempt at humor didn't amuse Sam and he just stood there staring back at his brother.
Dean‘s face grew serious. "What do you want me to say, Sam?"
Suddenly regretting even bringing it up, Sam shook his head. "Nothing. Forget it."
But now Dean wasn't letting it go. "No, you started it. Let’s finish it.” His voice rising, he continued. “Do you want me to say that you had no right to do it? That you had no right to wipe out my memories like that? That it wasn’t your decision to make? What do you want me to say?”
Even though he expected it, Sam still felt as if he was sucker punched. He had his arguments ready - that this was the only way to save Dean’s life, that he had no other choice. But finally facing his brother's anger, Sam found himself unable to respond.
Dean let out a loud sigh. “Look, honestly, I just can‘t believe you did it. Just like that, just decided to take everything that made me…me. But..." Dean paused for a moment. "I understand why you did it."
Sam didn't even try to hide the surprise at hearing Dean say those words.
"I get it, ok, Sammy? Being at the end of your rope, not knowing what to do? Being so desperate that you'd cut your own heart out if only you thought it would help. I get it. You had no choice. You did what you had to do."
Sam slowly let out a sigh, feeling as if the weight had been lifted off his chest. "Do you...remember? What happened, I mean."
Dean held his gaze for a moment before responding. "Some of it. Just the beginning. When the hallucinations just started. Not much though." Dean walked over to the mini fridge and got two bottles of beer out of it. He paused for a moment as he handed one to Sam, as if studying Sam‘s face. "It wasn't your fault," he finally said.
Sam startled, meeting his brother's eyes once again.
"What happened wasn't your fault, Sam," Dean repeated as he walked over to the chair that Uriel occupied just minutes before and sat down.
Sam took a chug out of the bottle and swallowed hard. Unable to look at his brother, he sat down on the edge of his bed, eyes fixed on the bottle in his hand as the events leading up to Dean being taken by the demons so many months before once again played in his head.
They had a fight earlier that day. Yet another one. They had been having a lot of those after the showdown with the Siren. Sam kept arguing that they should go after Lilith. Dean kept badgering Sam about his trust in Ruby and his lying. It was the same argument over and over again. And that day in Rockford it was no different.
Except Dean finally had had enough and walked out on Sam. Took the car and just drove off. If Sam could, he would have done the same. Instead he was stuck in the motel room. At first fuming. Then packing to leave. That was until he found signs pointing to demon activity in the area. When Dean did not return any of his calls, Sam started looking for him. To this day Sam didn't know just how long the demons had Dean, how long he was tortured for. But whatever the time was, the end result was the same - the demons responsible were back in hell and Dean was quickly going insane from hallucinations.
"I should have gone after you sooner," Sam finally spoke up, his voice barely audible.
"You couldn't have known," Dean countered.
Sam's had this argument many times before with himself. "I should have known."
"Sammy..."
"Forget it," Sam interrupted him. There was really nothing that Dean could tell him that could elevate the guilt he had felt all these months. He knew he was responsible for what happened to his brother. And he tried to make it right the only way he could. "Do you want to make a stop at Rochester?"
"What for?" Dean appeared to be genuinely surprised by the direction the conversation took.
Sam shrugged. "Get some of your things? Maybe say good bye to your friends." One look at Dean's face told him that maybe it was a much crazier idea than he thought it was.
"Those are not my things and those people are not my friends," Dean countered.
"You were close to them, weren't you? And that girl...you liked her. It was obvious you cared about her."
Dean shook his head. "None of it was real, Sam. It wasn't my life."
"It could be," Sam insisted.
Dean sniggered. "What, being Kyle Johnson for the rest of my life? The white picket fence type of life?"
"Well,” Sam hesitated for a moment, unsure of how Dean would take what he was about to say. “Why not? You could have it, Dean. The normal life, no hunting.”
Dean‘s stared at Sam in bewilderment. "It's not who I am."
"You lived that life, Dean. For months. For months you lived it and you were happy. Maybe now that Lilith is dead..."
"Sam, no." Dean said firmly, getting out of the chair. "Yes, I lived it. But it wasn't me. That life, yes, sometimes it's nice to imagine what it'd be like, but it's not us. It's not our lives. We weren't meant for normal. And just because Lilith is gone, doesn‘t mean evil just seized to exist."
Sam swallowed the lump in his throat as he held his brother’s gaze. Finally he just nodded in acceptance.
"You're packed?" Dean asked, seemingly satisfied that the conversation was over and done with.
Still not completely in control of his emotions, Sam gave him another nod.
"Good," Dean said as he grabbed his bag off the floor and opened the door to leave.
Sam picked up his duffel bag and followed his brother, stopping short as Dean paused and turned to face him. "I will tell you one thing. You ever take my car away from me like that again and going up against Lilith will seem like a walk in the park in comparison to what I‘m gonna do to you."
With that, Dean walked out of the motel room, leaving Sam no chance to defend himself. Sam stared after him for a moment, then chuckled. He had his brother back. Whatever else happened, whatever else was in their future, for now Sam had his brother back. And that was good enough for him.
The End.
Author: irishka1205
Character: Sam, Dean, Bobby, Ruby, Castiel, Uriel, Anna, Lilith
Spoilers: through 4.14
Disclaimer: I don't own anybody or anything. They all belong to the evil genius that is Eric Kripke.
Rating: PG
Summary: When Dean is attacked by demons, Sam must do whatever it takes to keep his brother safe.
Author’s Note: Huge, gigantic thank you to muses_circle for being my beta and personal cheerleader when it comes to writing and to crazundeadfairy for giving me another pair of eyes on this story and continuing to listen to my fangirly squee on daily basis.
Previous chapters: Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4| Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
All the emotions Dean experienced earlier when Ruby told him about Sam killing Lilith began rising to the top again, but he fought back. The only thing that mattered right this very moment was that Sam was ok. Sam was alive. They’d deal with everything else later. “Once you’re out of here,” Dean said as he leaned back in the chair and put his feet up on the bed stand, “We’re going to celebrate.”
******
Epilogue
Sam rolled up his shirt and stuffed it into the duffel bag, packing the last of his belongings while Dean finished up checking out the car outside. He reached for the pair of jeans hanging off the side of the bed when suddenly he felt a presence in the room.
"You know, it's polite to knock before you come in," he said as he turned to face his visitor.
Uriel was sitting on the old faded chair in the corner of the room staring at Sam, his face absent of any emotion.
"Was it worth the risk?" the angel asked, his voice quiet but strong.
Assuming the angel was referring to him almost dying, Sam didn't even pause before replying. "Lilith is dead, Lucifer is...wherever the hell he is, Dean's safe. Of course it was worth it."
"And what about your soul, Sam Winchester? Was it worth risking your soul?"
Sam held the angel's gaze. A few seconds passed before he responded with a simple "Yes."
Uriel's expression darkened and before Sam could even register the movement, the angel was mere inches away from him. "You're using powers that you can't understand. Forces that are not meant for a human to know. One day they will overtake you and there will be no coming back from that."
The two were now face to face and even though Uriel was almost whispering now Sam heard him loud and clear.
"One day you will become what you hate, Sam."
Sam stared down the angel, unwilling to be the first to break eye contact. "Then why did you save me?"
Sam felt an odd sense of pleasure at the fleeting change of expression on Uriel's face. Almost like a shock, surprise maybe at the fact that Sam knew. Sam knew Uriel healed him, that he was the one to come to his hospital room and bring him back from the brink of death. And Sam needed to know why. "If I'm such a threat, why didn't you just let me die? Save the trouble for everybody."
Uriel took a step back but did not take his eyes off of Sam. Finally he spoke. "Because today is not that day."
Sam let out an angry laugh. "You mean, I'm still useful."
"Something like that."
Sam wasn't sure why he felt disappointed, it wasn't like he expected anything more.
Uriel turned away, obviously planning on leaving. At the last minute, he turned back and looked at Sam. "Besides," he said, a strange look crossing his face, - "It wasn't really my call." With those parting words and a knowing look directed at Sam, Uriel was gone and Sam was once again alone in the room.
Sam wasn't sure how long he stood like that, rooted to the floor, unable to move, unable to breathe, just staring at the spot where the angel stood just moments before. The look on Uriel's face, the glance upward before he disappeared...Sam could hardly let himself believe what he thought Uriel was implying. Those last parting words gave him such comfort as he hadn't felt in a very long time.
Lost in thought, Sam nearly jumped as the door swung open and Dean entered the room.
Dean paused in the doorway, staring at him for a moment. "You ok?"
Sam cleared his throat, trying to find his voice again. "Yeah," was all he could muster. He walked back over to the bed and picked up his duffel bag again. "The car ready?" he finally managed to get out.
"For the time being. She's going to need a lot of TLC after the abuse you caused her," his brother replied.
Sam rolled his eyes. Ever since he got out of the hospital, Dean had been giving him a hard time about the car - how he didn’t take care of her correctly and in a timely manner. Sam of course realized what this was all about - Dean trying to talk to him about losing his memory and the role Sam played in that. A huge part of Sam wished Dean would just bring it up and get it over with. Another part of him dreaded that conversation. But if history taught him anything, it was that things got bad when the two of them kept secrets from each other. They needed to have this conversation.
He tossed the bag back on the bed and raised his eyes once again. "Why don’t you say what’s really on your mind?”
Dean stared at him with a confused look on his face. “Uh…the fact that my car is falling apart is what’s on my mind.”
“Oh, come on, Dean, we both know it’s not what this is all about. The bitching about the car…”
"Hey, I don't bitch. You're the bitch."
Dean's attempt at humor didn't amuse Sam and he just stood there staring back at his brother.
Dean‘s face grew serious. "What do you want me to say, Sam?"
Suddenly regretting even bringing it up, Sam shook his head. "Nothing. Forget it."
But now Dean wasn't letting it go. "No, you started it. Let’s finish it.” His voice rising, he continued. “Do you want me to say that you had no right to do it? That you had no right to wipe out my memories like that? That it wasn’t your decision to make? What do you want me to say?”
Even though he expected it, Sam still felt as if he was sucker punched. He had his arguments ready - that this was the only way to save Dean’s life, that he had no other choice. But finally facing his brother's anger, Sam found himself unable to respond.
Dean let out a loud sigh. “Look, honestly, I just can‘t believe you did it. Just like that, just decided to take everything that made me…me. But..." Dean paused for a moment. "I understand why you did it."
Sam didn't even try to hide the surprise at hearing Dean say those words.
"I get it, ok, Sammy? Being at the end of your rope, not knowing what to do? Being so desperate that you'd cut your own heart out if only you thought it would help. I get it. You had no choice. You did what you had to do."
Sam slowly let out a sigh, feeling as if the weight had been lifted off his chest. "Do you...remember? What happened, I mean."
Dean held his gaze for a moment before responding. "Some of it. Just the beginning. When the hallucinations just started. Not much though." Dean walked over to the mini fridge and got two bottles of beer out of it. He paused for a moment as he handed one to Sam, as if studying Sam‘s face. "It wasn't your fault," he finally said.
Sam startled, meeting his brother's eyes once again.
"What happened wasn't your fault, Sam," Dean repeated as he walked over to the chair that Uriel occupied just minutes before and sat down.
Sam took a chug out of the bottle and swallowed hard. Unable to look at his brother, he sat down on the edge of his bed, eyes fixed on the bottle in his hand as the events leading up to Dean being taken by the demons so many months before once again played in his head.
They had a fight earlier that day. Yet another one. They had been having a lot of those after the showdown with the Siren. Sam kept arguing that they should go after Lilith. Dean kept badgering Sam about his trust in Ruby and his lying. It was the same argument over and over again. And that day in Rockford it was no different.
Except Dean finally had had enough and walked out on Sam. Took the car and just drove off. If Sam could, he would have done the same. Instead he was stuck in the motel room. At first fuming. Then packing to leave. That was until he found signs pointing to demon activity in the area. When Dean did not return any of his calls, Sam started looking for him. To this day Sam didn't know just how long the demons had Dean, how long he was tortured for. But whatever the time was, the end result was the same - the demons responsible were back in hell and Dean was quickly going insane from hallucinations.
"I should have gone after you sooner," Sam finally spoke up, his voice barely audible.
"You couldn't have known," Dean countered.
Sam's had this argument many times before with himself. "I should have known."
"Sammy..."
"Forget it," Sam interrupted him. There was really nothing that Dean could tell him that could elevate the guilt he had felt all these months. He knew he was responsible for what happened to his brother. And he tried to make it right the only way he could. "Do you want to make a stop at Rochester?"
"What for?" Dean appeared to be genuinely surprised by the direction the conversation took.
Sam shrugged. "Get some of your things? Maybe say good bye to your friends." One look at Dean's face told him that maybe it was a much crazier idea than he thought it was.
"Those are not my things and those people are not my friends," Dean countered.
"You were close to them, weren't you? And that girl...you liked her. It was obvious you cared about her."
Dean shook his head. "None of it was real, Sam. It wasn't my life."
"It could be," Sam insisted.
Dean sniggered. "What, being Kyle Johnson for the rest of my life? The white picket fence type of life?"
"Well,” Sam hesitated for a moment, unsure of how Dean would take what he was about to say. “Why not? You could have it, Dean. The normal life, no hunting.”
Dean‘s stared at Sam in bewilderment. "It's not who I am."
"You lived that life, Dean. For months. For months you lived it and you were happy. Maybe now that Lilith is dead..."
"Sam, no." Dean said firmly, getting out of the chair. "Yes, I lived it. But it wasn't me. That life, yes, sometimes it's nice to imagine what it'd be like, but it's not us. It's not our lives. We weren't meant for normal. And just because Lilith is gone, doesn‘t mean evil just seized to exist."
Sam swallowed the lump in his throat as he held his brother’s gaze. Finally he just nodded in acceptance.
"You're packed?" Dean asked, seemingly satisfied that the conversation was over and done with.
Still not completely in control of his emotions, Sam gave him another nod.
"Good," Dean said as he grabbed his bag off the floor and opened the door to leave.
Sam picked up his duffel bag and followed his brother, stopping short as Dean paused and turned to face him. "I will tell you one thing. You ever take my car away from me like that again and going up against Lilith will seem like a walk in the park in comparison to what I‘m gonna do to you."
With that, Dean walked out of the motel room, leaving Sam no chance to defend himself. Sam stared after him for a moment, then chuckled. He had his brother back. Whatever else happened, whatever else was in their future, for now Sam had his brother back. And that was good enough for him.
The End.