My Friends
Hello, my friends. It is I, John McSomething. I regret to inform you I lost the election. I realize it was over a week ago, but I was just reminded ten minutes ago. So I better get this heartfelt message out of the way before it slips my mind for the fifty-third time.
It's sad when something you want so badly is within your grasp, only for it to stay out of your withered reach. It doesn't help when some Gook beat the life out of your hands a long time ago. It reminds me of the time my grandmother Agitha baked me an apple pie that was too hot to touch at first. She assured me that the crumb dumpling would be cooled off by noon. Back then apple pies were called crumb dumplings because of their texture and insides. "Give me two crumb dumplings for a buffalo coin", you'd say. We'd call pennies sand circles, nickles were buffalo coins, dimes were small nickles, and quarters were big nickles. Anyway, grandma Beatrice lectured me on the virtue of a good wait before the reward of a delicious treat, which served me well when...
Fly lands on window
WHAT THE FUCK? I'LL KILL EVERY ONE OF YOU FAGGOT LOVIN' HIPPIES!! I DIDN'T KILL TWENTY SLANT EYES WITH A RUSTY SPOON JUST SO I COULD LOSE NOW! I'M NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT THE WAR WHEN I REFER TO A GOOD KILLIN', I'M TALKING ABOUT STABBING THE DAMN OWNERS OF THAT THERE KOREAN CONVENIENCE STORE DOWN THE STREET! JOHN BALLS-ON-FIRE MCCAIN AIN'T DONE YET, MY FAT FUCKFACE FRIENDS! I'LL BE BACK FOR THE NEXT ELECTION, AND IF MY ASS IS DEAD THEY'LL ROLL MY ROTTING CARCASS OUT ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL! MARK MY WORDS: I'M GONNA FUCK YER MOTHER BEFORE THIS IS ALL OVER!
My friends.