It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it than to be sane and have doubts
It's cold, but I don't mind. The air has more of a brisk, cleanly cold feeling than just straight-up frigid. I'm wearing my "burglar cap", a hat I impulsively bought sometime ago and never wear because it's unflattering and makes me look like (go figure) a burglar. I sit down on the steps outside my apartment and light up a cigarette. I'm not really sure why I felt the urge to smoke; I only ever really smoke at work (I challenge you to work customer service, in a position of supposed authority no less, and not rely on nicotine to get you through the day in one mental piece). I only step outside at home when I'm feeling particularly shitty. I had been doing this fairly regularly for a couple weeks - I haven't been sleeping which has fucked with my emotional equilibrium, was in a fight with a good friend (which has been resolved, thank goodness), and generally had been letting things get to me even more so than I usually do by nature. But at this very moment I feel good.
It's the first time in a long time that I feel content and at ease. I still have my share of problems, my life still has a tendency to run on the weird and unexpected side of the spectrum, but I'm doing alright for myself. Lately, all in all, I enjoy work and have lightened up on my more workaholic tendencies, which in turn has relieved my usual tension. I'm financially comfortable for, uh, the first time ever. I feel good about myself more often than not despite my usual insecurities. I'm finally feeling more like the apartment is "home" to me. And most importantly, I know some amazing people; I love my friends and am loved by them in return. Things could be much worse and I'm actually well aware of that for once.
Wow. Is this perspective I'm feeling? I'll be damned. I'm usually shit with perspective.
Across the street, an older woman comes out of her apartment building and lights up a cigarette herself. It seems on the few occasions I have smoked while at home, this lady has come out at the same time. In an attempt to have a "moment", I nod my head in acknowledgment at her. But from the distance I am from her, she either doesn't notice or doesn't care. Oh well, cest la vie. I'm getting better at remembering my life isn't the movie it likes to think it is, despite the inner monologue running through my head, along with dramatic delusions of grandeur. I get back to my solitariness and musings. After a few moments, a younger woman and an even younger than that guy come out as well and talk to her. The guy walks towards his car while the older woman calls out to him, probably something along the lines of "Don't be out too late!" or "Call if you need to!" He seems attractive enough from a distance, but he is wearing a white visor. I don't go for dudes with visors. I finish my cigarette, flick it aside, and go back in. I take a nice, long, scalding hot shower and feel my whole body relax. I needed to feel like this, physically and emotionally, for awhile. I'm grateful for the feeling.
I'm not where I thought I'd be. I know I could be doing a lot of other things that would make me happier. Things haven't worked out necessarily the way I'd hoped. But for what I've got and for where I am, I'm ok. That's all a person can ask for, right?
It's the first time in a long time that I feel content and at ease. I still have my share of problems, my life still has a tendency to run on the weird and unexpected side of the spectrum, but I'm doing alright for myself. Lately, all in all, I enjoy work and have lightened up on my more workaholic tendencies, which in turn has relieved my usual tension. I'm financially comfortable for, uh, the first time ever. I feel good about myself more often than not despite my usual insecurities. I'm finally feeling more like the apartment is "home" to me. And most importantly, I know some amazing people; I love my friends and am loved by them in return. Things could be much worse and I'm actually well aware of that for once.
Wow. Is this perspective I'm feeling? I'll be damned. I'm usually shit with perspective.
Across the street, an older woman comes out of her apartment building and lights up a cigarette herself. It seems on the few occasions I have smoked while at home, this lady has come out at the same time. In an attempt to have a "moment", I nod my head in acknowledgment at her. But from the distance I am from her, she either doesn't notice or doesn't care. Oh well, cest la vie. I'm getting better at remembering my life isn't the movie it likes to think it is, despite the inner monologue running through my head, along with dramatic delusions of grandeur. I get back to my solitariness and musings. After a few moments, a younger woman and an even younger than that guy come out as well and talk to her. The guy walks towards his car while the older woman calls out to him, probably something along the lines of "Don't be out too late!" or "Call if you need to!" He seems attractive enough from a distance, but he is wearing a white visor. I don't go for dudes with visors. I finish my cigarette, flick it aside, and go back in. I take a nice, long, scalding hot shower and feel my whole body relax. I needed to feel like this, physically and emotionally, for awhile. I'm grateful for the feeling.
I'm not where I thought I'd be. I know I could be doing a lot of other things that would make me happier. Things haven't worked out necessarily the way I'd hoped. But for what I've got and for where I am, I'm ok. That's all a person can ask for, right?