fed up. i hate change.

[irishangel515]

Unfortunately this post is about the people I hoped to never be in this situation with. But I can't keep it all inside anymore. I'm tired of defending you to myself and to my family when they ask about you. A year ago my live was about you guys and only you. I loved (and still love) you morefthan anyone, and my life revolved around my time with you. I completely blew off my family all summer to be w ith you. I always thought "theyd just always be there" but I feared losing you and wanted to spend as much time with you as I possibly could. I now realize I was right, my family will always be there for me and I don't give them half of the credit they deserve, and I think I was right about being afraid of losing all of you, even though we promised it would never happen. A ton has happened in the past year. I'm glad to see you guys had such a great time. That's all I wanted for you. I just wasn't ready to be pushed to the outside of all of it. Things I feel that I'm often blamed for (which is beyond my control) are the reason that we can't go back to the way it was, and for my role in that I'm sorry. No matter how much I've told you (which wasn't NEARLY the whole story) you'll never understand the pain I felt and what I went through in my first semester of college, and the life altering loss of a friend. I just have enough respect for you not to drag you into the problem, I'm sorry it has to affect you so much but theres nothing I can do about it. As hard as I try, and believe me I'm trying, its just not something I can let go or move past. You just have no idea, and you'll never know what really went down. That's enough of that. I'm just so heartbroken to realize that I lost my best friend and a good number of my really close friends. As much as everyone missed me and blah blah blah, I'm not so convinced, since when I want to see any of you I have to call and ask. I remember what it's like to be in high school or leaving high school. Your life, and especially your friends that you spent the entire year with seem like the most important thing in the world. DONT FORGET YOUR FAMILY, and don't forget promises you made. Things change, but how much you mean to me never will and I'll defend you as my best friend until I'm blue in the face. I'm just getting tired of wondering if thats coming back to me. As much as I smile and hug and kiss you all, simply put youre breaking my heart. I know how much I've changed too, and made new very close friends, but that can never change what was and how youre all in the best memories I have. You shared in the happiest time of my life, and I'll always have a special place in my heart for all of you. I want everything back to the way we had it. I want my best friend back. I want all of my other great friends back. I want everyone to be friends again. I'm trying to let all of this out before it balloons into something and I lose anyone else the way I already have. Im not strong enough to deal with that again. I can't live with change. I want you all to be the hugest part of my life again, we were all so happy. I guess all in all I'm just really tired of feeling so left out of EVERYTHING. And obviously if I didn't adore you that wouldnt bother me.
As for my friends who went away to college, again, I'm sorry for everything on my end. You know I love you, and I know I get wrapped up in my stuff. And to one of you I'm sorry for my part in something that happened that I know kills you on the inside. I've learned that very few of my friends that went away to college are really true friends to me, you've been the biggest part of my life since I got home and I love the two of you more than I can even say. Kerry and Kyle, I'm so lucky to have you both. And Christina, I'm so happy to have you back.
Lastly, to Dave, Kaitlyn, Erin, Marissa and Nicole, you guys are the reason I stayed in Fredonia and grew to love it. You're my family away from home, and my love and gratitude for you is undying.