(no subject)
I want him back
I feel weak
stupid
insecure
ridiculous
the heart wants what the heart wants
He was an ass, a complete tool, and was so difficult to just be around
the last few weeks we were together
Something always pulls me back though
To the time even before we dated when he would comment on everything i posted on FB
The smiley faces, the hearts, the cute comebacks and playful banter
it reassures everything yet makes things now that much more painful
Wedding for my cousin is tomorrow. he's supposed to be there
And he wont be.
What did i do?
Where did i go wrong?
Was it him and his insecurities?
Little does he know
I don't mind that he works at Shaw's
I dont mind that he has issues with his family
I don't mind the constant time with his friends that he needs
I don't mind the personal issues we had
I wanted us to work out
I wanted us to have this awesome kick ass
"We were great in the beginning, hit a rough patch not too far into it, but was strong enough to survive it and made it" story
I wanted everyone to be wrong.
I didn't want to hear "I told you so"
The urge to cry is teetering on the cusp of my brain
I just cant though. If i cry it becomes even more real
The anger turns to sadness
The resentment turns to desire
It's like openly admitting i made a huge error
And I'm not sure I'm quite ready to take it to that level
Things were going all wrong.
I was fed up
Anxious
worried
I tried everything
I tried being supportive
Being sorry
Being affectionate
passive
Aggressive
Direct
Indirect
Eventually i tried being a cold hearted bitch
That lasted for all of 37 hours
I'm not used to this feeling
I don't feel like really anyone would understand because from the outside
It looks like i don't know better, that i don't know that i deserve better
That i should strive for being with the best out there And I'm settling for mediocre
What they don't know, is that Ryan made me feel things in the beginning that I've truly never felt before
its bizarre i know, we were only together for two months, the last month being void of real emotion and passion. But he showed me that he wanted more than just to be with me, he wanted to actually make me happy, please me, make me smile, love me.
Something changed
Maybe things between us didn't change at all
And we got caught up in outside drama totally irrelevant to US as a couple
And granted i know there is that mantra that despite the outside influences,
Nothing can come between the love that two people have for each other
Bullshit
Things can happen. Events can occur
Distractions
We deal with them differently, and that doesn't mean we aren't right for each other
it just means we have to learn to adapt
It's a bizarre Tango where no one leads, but we both follow.
Are we meant to be? Probably not
But dear Zeus i am not ready to give up yet
Now my next step is assessing how he feels and seeing if this is all worth it
If he wants nothing to do with me then well there's not much i can do
I cant make him love me or want me
Perhaps if i get closure I'll be more in tuned with this situation I'm in
Maybe we took things too fast, and we have no where to go at this point.
What I would give to do this all over again
To get another chance to hold off on things, to be a bit more coy
shy, understanding.
Here's hoping.
I feel weak
stupid
insecure
ridiculous
the heart wants what the heart wants
He was an ass, a complete tool, and was so difficult to just be around
the last few weeks we were together
Something always pulls me back though
To the time even before we dated when he would comment on everything i posted on FB
The smiley faces, the hearts, the cute comebacks and playful banter
it reassures everything yet makes things now that much more painful
Wedding for my cousin is tomorrow. he's supposed to be there
And he wont be.
What did i do?
Where did i go wrong?
Was it him and his insecurities?
Little does he know
I don't mind that he works at Shaw's
I dont mind that he has issues with his family
I don't mind the constant time with his friends that he needs
I don't mind the personal issues we had
I wanted us to work out
I wanted us to have this awesome kick ass
"We were great in the beginning, hit a rough patch not too far into it, but was strong enough to survive it and made it" story
I wanted everyone to be wrong.
I didn't want to hear "I told you so"
The urge to cry is teetering on the cusp of my brain
I just cant though. If i cry it becomes even more real
The anger turns to sadness
The resentment turns to desire
It's like openly admitting i made a huge error
And I'm not sure I'm quite ready to take it to that level
Things were going all wrong.
I was fed up
Anxious
worried
I tried everything
I tried being supportive
Being sorry
Being affectionate
passive
Aggressive
Direct
Indirect
Eventually i tried being a cold hearted bitch
That lasted for all of 37 hours
I'm not used to this feeling
I don't feel like really anyone would understand because from the outside
It looks like i don't know better, that i don't know that i deserve better
That i should strive for being with the best out there And I'm settling for mediocre
What they don't know, is that Ryan made me feel things in the beginning that I've truly never felt before
its bizarre i know, we were only together for two months, the last month being void of real emotion and passion. But he showed me that he wanted more than just to be with me, he wanted to actually make me happy, please me, make me smile, love me.
Something changed
Maybe things between us didn't change at all
And we got caught up in outside drama totally irrelevant to US as a couple
And granted i know there is that mantra that despite the outside influences,
Nothing can come between the love that two people have for each other
Bullshit
Things can happen. Events can occur
Distractions
We deal with them differently, and that doesn't mean we aren't right for each other
it just means we have to learn to adapt
It's a bizarre Tango where no one leads, but we both follow.
Are we meant to be? Probably not
But dear Zeus i am not ready to give up yet
Now my next step is assessing how he feels and seeing if this is all worth it
If he wants nothing to do with me then well there's not much i can do
I cant make him love me or want me
Perhaps if i get closure I'll be more in tuned with this situation I'm in
Maybe we took things too fast, and we have no where to go at this point.
What I would give to do this all over again
To get another chance to hold off on things, to be a bit more coy
shy, understanding.
Here's hoping.