(no subject)
what constitutes as a good or bad day? is it bad if you sleep in without meaning to and are late for your first class or that you have a hard test or that even after your hard test there are four more waiting and the stress doesn't seem to go away? is it a bad day when the one person who always makes you feel better fails miserably, leaving you to try and find some kind of peace all alone? or is it a good day when amidst all the bad you can find that inner peace deep in your soul where you can push all of the people who have failed you, all the tests you've failed, and all the people you've let down out of your brain long enough to cut a small hole in your soul and allow it to drain out onto a piece of paper. "scalpel, sutured, made whole again"
i'm tired... tired of so many things. i'm tired of working so hard to be average. i'm tired of the knots in my shoulders, living proff of the extreme tension my life is filled with, two new ones with every bit of drama, four with every test. i'm tired of keeping secrets so i don't lose everything, even though i know if i was important enough i wouldn't lose anything, but i can't bring myself to take that risk. i'm tired of being tested and having to prove myself and my worth to society. i am tired of wondering with every missed call, every voice mail, every unanswered ring if there is more to interpret. i'm tired of hit or miss actions that i can't bring up my feelings about because it will cause a fight and an accusation that nothing ever satisfies me, that nothing is ever good enough. what if it is simply that i have been satisfied and deemed it good enough before, so when all i've gotten when i need satisfaction are things that leave me lacking, i want you to try harder and put forth more effort to get back to that level at perfection at which you normally thrive. "man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she's had, but it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all"
what if i can't achieve my dreams? what do i do if i'm not smart enough, good enough, pretty enough? what if i don't want it enough, but what if i want it too much? do i let the dream go or do i hold on never accepting the truth? is that kind of like beating my head into a wall? i don't think i'm that stupid but what if i can't see it? what if i don't want to see it? i have so many questions but i'm not sure who has the answers.
i wish i could fast forward my life to see where i'm fighting tooth and nail to end up. i'd rewind and live it out, but sometimes you've just got to skip ahead in the book, just so you can be sure the things you fear are going to happen, don't. "i'm dying to live"
my greatest fears, being alone and not being able to fulfill everyone's (including my own) expectations for me. it seems like everyone wants so much i don't know who its safe to disappoint, i don't know if its okay to disappoint anyone. how do i know which goal is the most important? what if i've already failed at the most important one? they say to live every day as if it were your last, but if i had to do that i think i would be a very unhappy person. there is no way i can accomplish absolutely everything i want to in one day. somethings just have to wait until tomorrow like traveling to europe or having kids or getting married or buying a house or having an amazing career. i mean if i died today there is no way i wouldn't have unfinished business or have said every "i am so resilient, i recover quickly, i'll convince you soon that i am fine"
i'm tired... tired of so many things. i'm tired of working so hard to be average. i'm tired of the knots in my shoulders, living proff of the extreme tension my life is filled with, two new ones with every bit of drama, four with every test. i'm tired of keeping secrets so i don't lose everything, even though i know if i was important enough i wouldn't lose anything, but i can't bring myself to take that risk. i'm tired of being tested and having to prove myself and my worth to society. i am tired of wondering with every missed call, every voice mail, every unanswered ring if there is more to interpret. i'm tired of hit or miss actions that i can't bring up my feelings about because it will cause a fight and an accusation that nothing ever satisfies me, that nothing is ever good enough. what if it is simply that i have been satisfied and deemed it good enough before, so when all i've gotten when i need satisfaction are things that leave me lacking, i want you to try harder and put forth more effort to get back to that level at perfection at which you normally thrive. "man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she's had, but it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all"
what if i can't achieve my dreams? what do i do if i'm not smart enough, good enough, pretty enough? what if i don't want it enough, but what if i want it too much? do i let the dream go or do i hold on never accepting the truth? is that kind of like beating my head into a wall? i don't think i'm that stupid but what if i can't see it? what if i don't want to see it? i have so many questions but i'm not sure who has the answers.
i wish i could fast forward my life to see where i'm fighting tooth and nail to end up. i'd rewind and live it out, but sometimes you've just got to skip ahead in the book, just so you can be sure the things you fear are going to happen, don't. "i'm dying to live"
my greatest fears, being alone and not being able to fulfill everyone's (including my own) expectations for me. it seems like everyone wants so much i don't know who its safe to disappoint, i don't know if its okay to disappoint anyone. how do i know which goal is the most important? what if i've already failed at the most important one? they say to live every day as if it were your last, but if i had to do that i think i would be a very unhappy person. there is no way i can accomplish absolutely everything i want to in one day. somethings just have to wait until tomorrow like traveling to europe or having kids or getting married or buying a house or having an amazing career. i mean if i died today there is no way i wouldn't have unfinished business or have said every "i am so resilient, i recover quickly, i'll convince you soon that i am fine"