hollow sounds
i have been alone for going on three weeks now
my roommate went home for a week three weeks ago because her family farm burned down so i was living alone
i stayed in the room a lot because it was a busy busy week and i had so much to get done.
the next week my roommate was back but over the weekend i seemed to have lost touch with my friends. my mom came up and spent the night with me and all of their families were up as well so we didn't exactly hang out well we didn't last week either. i wasn't invited to anything and found myself quite oblivious to anything going on in their lives. it hurt because i felt so out of the loop when i was with them and they all seemed so self absorbed... i know this is a horrible thing for me to say but i must simply vent this for a moment
they are so insanely spoiled... anyone who ever thought i was spoiled must take it back immediately because you have not met these people... they get jealous when someone gets a present and they don't and everytime they see their parents they get multiple presents.. it's like their love and devotion must be bought i just simply can't believe it...
so in a sense i suppose i have distanced myself from all of them on purpose but i hate being alone
my roommate is gone again until tuesday because her grandmother died.. it's been a hard month for her please keep her in your prayers...
so my worst fear is again upon me, you see the thing in my Room 101 would be nothing i would be left completely and utterly alone... abandonment... odd i know but we cannot explain our fears
the odd part is though that although at times being alone is nice right now i do not desire it but at the same time i don't wish to put myself in the company of others because even when surrounded by people i feel alone. this scares me very much
i don't want to be slipping towards that big black hole of my past again... i cannot go back there i have too much perfection in my life to screw it all up.. i cannot lose what i have for that i must be strong
but how am i going to acheive strength if i push everyone away??
how can i hate to be alone and hate company at the same time
will someone explain to me why i'm so damn confusing
please God, don't let me be sick...please i'm begging... i don't want this again
and yet i do...
<3 me
my roommate went home for a week three weeks ago because her family farm burned down so i was living alone
i stayed in the room a lot because it was a busy busy week and i had so much to get done.
the next week my roommate was back but over the weekend i seemed to have lost touch with my friends. my mom came up and spent the night with me and all of their families were up as well so we didn't exactly hang out well we didn't last week either. i wasn't invited to anything and found myself quite oblivious to anything going on in their lives. it hurt because i felt so out of the loop when i was with them and they all seemed so self absorbed... i know this is a horrible thing for me to say but i must simply vent this for a moment
they are so insanely spoiled... anyone who ever thought i was spoiled must take it back immediately because you have not met these people... they get jealous when someone gets a present and they don't and everytime they see their parents they get multiple presents.. it's like their love and devotion must be bought i just simply can't believe it...
so in a sense i suppose i have distanced myself from all of them on purpose but i hate being alone
my roommate is gone again until tuesday because her grandmother died.. it's been a hard month for her please keep her in your prayers...
so my worst fear is again upon me, you see the thing in my Room 101 would be nothing i would be left completely and utterly alone... abandonment... odd i know but we cannot explain our fears
the odd part is though that although at times being alone is nice right now i do not desire it but at the same time i don't wish to put myself in the company of others because even when surrounded by people i feel alone. this scares me very much
i don't want to be slipping towards that big black hole of my past again... i cannot go back there i have too much perfection in my life to screw it all up.. i cannot lose what i have for that i must be strong
but how am i going to acheive strength if i push everyone away??
how can i hate to be alone and hate company at the same time
will someone explain to me why i'm so damn confusing
please God, don't let me be sick...please i'm begging... i don't want this again
and yet i do...
<3 me