avoiding treatment...among other things
twice in one day, its like a record! actually i just needed to vent. Im having a rough day...make that a rough weekend.
I feel....like im ignorant to how people see me, or maybe im just being paranoid im not sure. I feel like i take everyone i know for granted. I feel like theres so much that i could be doing to make things better, relationships, friendships, my schoolwork, my family, my life.
I'm attacking myself, making myself feel less pretty, less worthy. I've basically just been over analyzing things. I got upset because i was looking at this girl/my friend's photo album on facebook. What upset me was that i wasnt in any of her pictures. Wouldnt you put your friends in your pictures? i feel like maybe she sees me as..i dont know. I feel like i try to be social every once in a while, and i always try so hard, and then back out and go antisocial by the end of the night. its like i dont know how to have a good time anymore....if i actually knew how to before. I mean i guess i did. I remember a time in high school when jasmyn told me that she would hear from people how great my parties were...which surprised me. Since when do people rave about going to a sober party? But what do i know. Emily has surprised me so much by how much she actually cares. I just thought she was putting up with me. That i annoyed her less then most people. But she actually cares. She actually thinks that im a good person. I wish i could show her how much i care. How much shes supported me. How much it helps to know that shes there...even if she doesnt do the usual cheesy friend things. Just the fact that she cares means more....then i think i'll ever be able to express. Why did i get so blessed?
I was watching mean girls (i had this theory that i focus better on my homework if i have a movie playing in the background. problem is, this time my theory failed and i just watched the movie...I guess it only works when you actually want to do the homework in the first place) And for some reason, i got really depressed cuz i remember a couple people telling me that i looked like lyndsay lohan, and i always took it as a compliment because i thought she was pretty and i got upset because i dont think thats true anymore. I cut my hair off and i miss it. I feel less pretty. I'm always looking at other girls trying to figure out how i want to look, what would make me pretty. I used to have this amazing self confidence that at times i was almost ashamed of because i was completely comfortable with myself, but thats gone. I'm just as self conscious as everyone else. I feel stupid when i dress differently, nicer, "preppier" i feel like i put myself in my own hole of unattractiveness when i dont try and not put on makeup or jsut go to class in my pjs or some loose fitting clothing thats comfortable. And when i do dress up to go out to a club or something to try and make me feel better i always dress like a whore. I always go for the maxium amount of attention. Why? I always feel like shit everytime i go home at the end of the night, why would i continue to think it'll help time after time?
I remember last year having so much trouble focusing in class because i was so interested in everyone else in the room, what guys thought about me, why they wouldnt check me out (as if they were actually paying attention to the profesor...) I depended so much on just getting some sort of reaction from people and i never got that. When i was with mat i realized a huge change in that. I was completely content with going to class looking like crap because i didnt care what people thought. I only cared what mat thought, and mat loved me so thats all that mattered. I could actually focus in class, i was semi motivated. It was a nice feeling. I wonder where that feeling went.
I feel like everytime someone gives me a compliment that i can never see me like they do.
I was looking at movie quotes online for the crow movie to see if they had some of the ones me and grey were cracking up over and i found one that really hit me kinda hard. i never noticed it in the movie. "childhood is over the minute you know you're going to die" It made me realize that if you look at it that way, my childhood was so short. I remember crying in my moms lap when i was 8ish and being so scared of what happened after you die. Why did i get stuck with the curse of growing up so fast and being so sensitive to big world things that make all the little things i worrying about so trivial?
i wish i could just appreciate the trivial stuff. I mean its all ive got right now. After this comes real life. Ive had enough of real life already. I really need to just be happy with what ive got....but i cant.
why cant i?
I got an email from my mom earlier on in the week. Ive looked at it a couple times since then. It reminds me not to be so ungrateful. This is what it said, maybe you can understand better...
Subject: Worried
You sounded bummed out this morning before I said something about the Security deposit and still seem to sound bummed, whats up?? When is the security deposit due? I'll work on bills tonight and we'll figure out a way to help out. I'm sorry, it sucks right now money wise. I actually have an interview with Meijers on Monday. Its not really what I want but that other job never called back, so I might as well take what I can get. Hopefully they will understand me going away the first weekend in November. Anyways, I'm here if you need to talk. ((HUGS & KISSES))
It still makes me cry everytime i read it. Im so selfish. Im so ungrateful. Im so blessed. I have such an amazing mother. I have amazing friends. I have people that care about me. And when i'm in the hole, i leave myself to dig myself out. I wish i could let someone help. I wish i could believe someone could help me. Its times like these that my worst fear of being put on medication seems like the only answer to make me better.
Today she dresses
For the change she's facing now
And the storm that's raging
A safe haven she has found
She doesn't care
What the prophets say anymore
For the love she had
She has no more
So she gathers rain
She gathers rain
To rinse away all her guilt and pain
She gathers rain
She gathers rain
To wash and cleanse and make
her whole again
Her imagination
Has started stretching wide
And her new conviction
No longer will she hide
She's not branded
When prophets speak words of fire
The same love she gives
She requires
So she gathers rain
She gathers rain
To rinse away all her guilt and pain
She gathers rain
She gathers rain
To wash and cleanse and make
her whole again
Collective Soul "she gathers rain"
...i just want to be whole again.
I feel....like im ignorant to how people see me, or maybe im just being paranoid im not sure. I feel like i take everyone i know for granted. I feel like theres so much that i could be doing to make things better, relationships, friendships, my schoolwork, my family, my life.
I'm attacking myself, making myself feel less pretty, less worthy. I've basically just been over analyzing things. I got upset because i was looking at this girl/my friend's photo album on facebook. What upset me was that i wasnt in any of her pictures. Wouldnt you put your friends in your pictures? i feel like maybe she sees me as..i dont know. I feel like i try to be social every once in a while, and i always try so hard, and then back out and go antisocial by the end of the night. its like i dont know how to have a good time anymore....if i actually knew how to before. I mean i guess i did. I remember a time in high school when jasmyn told me that she would hear from people how great my parties were...which surprised me. Since when do people rave about going to a sober party? But what do i know. Emily has surprised me so much by how much she actually cares. I just thought she was putting up with me. That i annoyed her less then most people. But she actually cares. She actually thinks that im a good person. I wish i could show her how much i care. How much shes supported me. How much it helps to know that shes there...even if she doesnt do the usual cheesy friend things. Just the fact that she cares means more....then i think i'll ever be able to express. Why did i get so blessed?
I was watching mean girls (i had this theory that i focus better on my homework if i have a movie playing in the background. problem is, this time my theory failed and i just watched the movie...I guess it only works when you actually want to do the homework in the first place) And for some reason, i got really depressed cuz i remember a couple people telling me that i looked like lyndsay lohan, and i always took it as a compliment because i thought she was pretty and i got upset because i dont think thats true anymore. I cut my hair off and i miss it. I feel less pretty. I'm always looking at other girls trying to figure out how i want to look, what would make me pretty. I used to have this amazing self confidence that at times i was almost ashamed of because i was completely comfortable with myself, but thats gone. I'm just as self conscious as everyone else. I feel stupid when i dress differently, nicer, "preppier" i feel like i put myself in my own hole of unattractiveness when i dont try and not put on makeup or jsut go to class in my pjs or some loose fitting clothing thats comfortable. And when i do dress up to go out to a club or something to try and make me feel better i always dress like a whore. I always go for the maxium amount of attention. Why? I always feel like shit everytime i go home at the end of the night, why would i continue to think it'll help time after time?
I remember last year having so much trouble focusing in class because i was so interested in everyone else in the room, what guys thought about me, why they wouldnt check me out (as if they were actually paying attention to the profesor...) I depended so much on just getting some sort of reaction from people and i never got that. When i was with mat i realized a huge change in that. I was completely content with going to class looking like crap because i didnt care what people thought. I only cared what mat thought, and mat loved me so thats all that mattered. I could actually focus in class, i was semi motivated. It was a nice feeling. I wonder where that feeling went.
I feel like everytime someone gives me a compliment that i can never see me like they do.
I was looking at movie quotes online for the crow movie to see if they had some of the ones me and grey were cracking up over and i found one that really hit me kinda hard. i never noticed it in the movie. "childhood is over the minute you know you're going to die" It made me realize that if you look at it that way, my childhood was so short. I remember crying in my moms lap when i was 8ish and being so scared of what happened after you die. Why did i get stuck with the curse of growing up so fast and being so sensitive to big world things that make all the little things i worrying about so trivial?
i wish i could just appreciate the trivial stuff. I mean its all ive got right now. After this comes real life. Ive had enough of real life already. I really need to just be happy with what ive got....but i cant.
why cant i?
I got an email from my mom earlier on in the week. Ive looked at it a couple times since then. It reminds me not to be so ungrateful. This is what it said, maybe you can understand better...
Subject: Worried
You sounded bummed out this morning before I said something about the Security deposit and still seem to sound bummed, whats up?? When is the security deposit due? I'll work on bills tonight and we'll figure out a way to help out. I'm sorry, it sucks right now money wise. I actually have an interview with Meijers on Monday. Its not really what I want but that other job never called back, so I might as well take what I can get. Hopefully they will understand me going away the first weekend in November. Anyways, I'm here if you need to talk. ((HUGS & KISSES))
It still makes me cry everytime i read it. Im so selfish. Im so ungrateful. Im so blessed. I have such an amazing mother. I have amazing friends. I have people that care about me. And when i'm in the hole, i leave myself to dig myself out. I wish i could let someone help. I wish i could believe someone could help me. Its times like these that my worst fear of being put on medication seems like the only answer to make me better.
Today she dresses
For the change she's facing now
And the storm that's raging
A safe haven she has found
She doesn't care
What the prophets say anymore
For the love she had
She has no more
So she gathers rain
She gathers rain
To rinse away all her guilt and pain
She gathers rain
She gathers rain
To wash and cleanse and make
her whole again
Her imagination
Has started stretching wide
And her new conviction
No longer will she hide
She's not branded
When prophets speak words of fire
The same love she gives
She requires
So she gathers rain
She gathers rain
To rinse away all her guilt and pain
She gathers rain
She gathers rain
To wash and cleanse and make
her whole again
Collective Soul "she gathers rain"
...i just want to be whole again.