Walking With A Ghost (5/7)
Title: Walking With A Ghost (5/7)
Author: Irisayame
Pairing: Rachel/Quinn
Rating: PG-13 for the first chapters, NC-17 for the last.
Length: ~ 24000+
Spoiler: Uh, none really, but let's say season 1?
Summary: When Rachel dies, she returns as a ghost. She doesn't know what to do, let alone what's keeping her on earth, until she discovers that Quinn alone can see her. Will Quinn help her, or will the cheerleader let their lifelong animosity get between them?
Disclaimer: Don't own anything I may refer to, and of course, I don't own Glee
A/N: I wrote this for the Glee Femslash Big Bang. It took longer than it should have. It's big AU and I know it, and I can be a sucker for cliches, to warn you, but I hope you like it anyway :) read, enjoy, and I'm REALLY curious what you think about this (I've been kind of obsessing over it for a long time) so please, pretty please, review?
A/N: Lyrics used from She Talks To Angels by the Black Crows
***
On the other side of town, Rachel had closed her eyes in a weak attempt to feign sleep. She had decided to do nothing but wait. Just wait until she would move on. She heard her name.
“Rachel!”
She knew the voice at once and opened her eyes, only to confirm she was in Quinn’s bedroom. The 5th time already that she’d accidentally transported to Quinn’s side that night. Every time she lost her focus, she’d find herself here.
It was getting on her nerves. It kind of made avoiding the girl hard. Then she saw the pained and panic-stricken look on Quinn’s face, and everything else disappeared. She forgot about everything, about every avoiding Quinn in the first place. Everything but the fierce desire to keep Quinn safe.
“What’s wrong, Quinn? Did you have a nightmare?”
Quinn’s breaths were laboured, everything inside her was still in the dream. It was a difficult transition to make.
“Rachel? Are you… here?”
“Of course I am! Why else would you call out my name?”
“It’s… nothing. I just had a nightmare.”
Or something. The first part definitely qualified as a nightmare. The second part, she wasn’t sure what that was or where it came from yet.
“What was it? Unless you do not want to tell me, which would be perfectly understandable and in which case I will just respect your privacy.”
Quinn told her everything up to the conversation with her mother, but made it sound like the dream had stopped there. No need for Rachel to know about the other stuff. Rachel was quiet throughout the whole thing, only commenting after Quinn had finished.
“I hadn’t even thought about Beth yet. Have you told mom?”
“So she’ll have me committed? No, thank you.”
“So you are just going to do nothing?”
“I don’t know what to do! I don’t know how to tell her, but the thought of doing nothing and keeping this possibility open is what kills me on nights like these.”
“I know. I can see it.” Rachel thought for a moment.
“You’ll figure it out. I will help. We’ll figure it out, together.”
Quinn went back to sleep after that, more quiet and peaceful than she’d expected. Rachel stayed up, and set her mind to work. The solution struck her soon, and to her delight, it would possibly help her too.
Maybe the key to moving on was seeing her mother one last time. And maybe the key to Quinn’s peace of mind was there too.
When she explained her plan to Quinn the next morning, the other girl reacted warily. She mostly seemed to want to forget about the whole thing. Eventually, Rachel being the persuasive girl she is, Quinn reluctantly agreed.
It was a fine idea, but part of Quinn feared what Rachel hoped; that meeting Shelby was the catalyst to sending Rachel to the other side.
She still wasn’t exactly sure why, but she had noticed that she was doing the opposite of what she was supposed to do. She was sabotaging Rachel instead of helping her. But even if she was decided to help Rachel, each time it came down to it, her instincts were making her do the exact opposite.
So when Quinn agreed, it was with great reluctancy indeed. It was mostly because she knew she couldn’t stop Rachel, and that if Rachel was going, Quinn would rather go with her than stay behind.
That afternoon, Quinn spent preparing and they agreed to go the day after. Rachel had completely stopped trying to avoid Quinn. Quinn needed Rachel for this. At least that was what Rachel was telling herself. Maybe it was true, she hoped it was.
The next day Quinn was driving to Shelby’s house straight after school, her sweaty hands keeping the wheel in a slippery death grip, knuckles white. Rachel appeared beside her.
“Slow down.” Her voice was soft and kind instead of strict and disapproving. Quinn responded by letting her left hand slip.
“Jezus! Don’t scare me like that, Rachel!”
“I stopped scaring you ages ago, you’re used to it by now! You reacted like this because you are so on edge. You did scare me by allowing your hand to slip, though. With this speed it is practically begging for a lethal accident! You could have gotten us both killed!”
“You’re already dead, remember?”
“The rest still applies! And that doesn’t mean I can’t be afraid for you.”
Quinn gave Rachel a look and it seemed like she was about to say something important, but Rachel couldn’t contain herself.
“Keep your eyes on the road, Quinn. It is extremely dangerous to get distracted while driving and I am a statistic now.”
Quinn averted her eyes with a mumbled apology, and Rachel sighed. What a way to ruin a potential movie-moment. Quinn drove the rest of the way so extremely careful, Rachel nearly felt guilty herself.
They drove to the outskirts of Lima and quickly found the address that Quinn kept on a yellow post-it, hurriedly scribbled down in Shelby’s handwriting for emergencies.
Quinn seemed decided not to hesitate. She slammed the door of the car and took a couple of long steps before ringing the doorbell. It wasn’t until then that she seemed to realize what she was doing, and she shot Rachel a panic-stricken look.
However, the door was already opening and there, in the doorpost, was Shelby, Beth on her arm.
“Quinn!” She said in a surprised voice. “What are you doing here?”
“I know I should have called, I’m sorry,” Quinn began, speaking faster than usual. Then she thought of something. “Have you heard about Rachel?”
“I do, I’m very sorry about it. Her dads and Mr. Shuester called me.”
“Do you know about tomorrow?”
“I do.”
“Are you going to...” Quinn almost didn’t dare ask. She wondered if she’d have the guts to come to Beth’s funeral, after a lifetime of not knowing her daughter.
“I don’t know yet,” Shelby replied distantly. “You know how complex the situation is.”
It had taken a while, but now Rachel caught on .
“This is about my funeral, isn’t it?”
Quinn fought her instincts to reply out loud and gave Rachel a tiny nod.
“Well, I thought it should speak for itself that my biological mother, who shares my blood, should come to say goodbye!”
Quinn fought a smile and said: “I think you should come. I’d want to. And I think Rachel would have wanted you to come, too.”
“Well, you knew her better than I did,” Shelby said. She paused, repositioning the quiet baby on her arm. “I’ll consider it.”
“Thank you. But actually, that’s not what I came here for. I came because of Beth.”
She noticed Shelby clutching the child a little tighter. “What is it? Do you want to come in?”
“I’d rather not,” Quinn said quickly. The thought of seeing Beth’s nursery, something she’d imagined several times in her head, was simply too painful to even consider.
“I have a favor to ask you. Remember how you made Rachel that tape? Well, I wrote Beth a letter. I would very much appreciate it if you didn’t read it, like Rachel’s dads never listened to that tape, but if you could give it to her when she’s... 9.”
With an understanding smile, Shelby took the letter from Quinn. Quinn’s mouth got dry as she tried to take her eyes from the little girl that had her eyes closed. She finally tore her eyes away, realizing her heart was pounding and she was breathing heavily. Shelby was looking sympathetically at her.
“I know what you’re going through, Quinn. I’ll do it, I know how hard it is. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“No thank you,” Quinn said quietly. “Just come tomorrow.”
“We’ll see. I’ll try, alright?”
Quinn swallowed painfully before nodding, mumbling a goodbye and stalking back to her car, not hearing Shelby’s soft: “Goodbye, Quinn.”
~ She paints her eyes as black as night ~
Quinn sped away in her car, her eyes filled with tears nearly brimming over. This time, she wasn’t shocked to find Rachel beside her. Rachel’s voice was filled with sympathy, like her mother’s had been just moments ago.
“Pull over.”
Quinn didn’t react audibly, but her lower lip started trembling. She bit it to keep it still.
“Quinn, you are a danger to everyone around you right now. Your behavior is reckless. Look at what happened to me. Really, how many times do we have to go over this, ms. Fabray?”
She received a tiny smile. Quinn, torn between the desire to get as far away from Shelby and her daughter as possible and the knowledge that she shouldn’t drive right now, caved because of Rachel’s soft tone and pulled over.
The second the motor fell quiet, the first tear fell. She looked at Rachel who had a hand stretching to touch Quinn, looking sorrowful herself.
“You’ve been alive for so long and I knew you all that time, and I never touched you in a friendly way, and now I just wish you could hold me. I feel like I’ve wasted all that time that you were alive,” Quinn blurted out.
She was a little shocked at herself for admitting it, and Rachel seemed equally astonished, but recovered quickly.
“I know, Quinn. I feel the same.” Quinn suddenly felt the foolish desire to reach out and touch Rachel’s hand stronger than ever before. Just to see... but she wasn’t stupid. And when her hand would pass through - which she knew darn well it would - it would hurt her and puzzle Rachel.
Instead, she grabbed a tissue from her purse, wiped her eyes and blew her nose.
“Are you mad I told you to go?”
“No,” Quinn choked out. “It’s better. Sorry for you though,” she shot Rachel a look. “I know you hoped.”
“There was never a great chance... I didn’t think she was the reason I was stuck on earth.” Now more than ever. She doesn’t matter enough.
“I know. But you had hope anyway.”
Rachel looked away, locking her eyes on the dashboard. “I always do.”
There was a silence, while Quinn wiped more tears and blew her nose again. Rachel said in her typically upbeat tone: “You think she’s coming tomorrow?”
“Well, I would, but I don’t know. You need to stop talking about your funeral like it’s a party, though. Why the hell are you so excited?!”
“It’s all about me! You know how admittedly self-centered I can be, and I cannot wait to see how sad everyone will be because of my demise. And I’m thinking that that probably will be the cue for me to move on. Isn’t that what you said?”
“Maybe it won’t be. You just said you don’t know why you’re stuck here. You could be here for ages!”
“What?! You told me most ghosts can move on after their funeral!”
“It’s not a guarantee, alright?! I don’t know! Maybe you won’t be able to leave at all!”
“I wish to give you some useful advise on the subject of truth and tact in that case. Do not ever sound so sure of something you don’t actually know again, because it does nothing but giving a ghost false hope. Especially not if you want to shoot it down brutally later. It is mentally destructive.”
Quinn’s jaw was clenched. There were a million hurtful remarks at the tip of her tongue, the kind that old Quinn used to say, the kind that would destroy Rachel easily and thoroughly.
But this really wasn’t Rachel’s fault, despite what Quinn was trying to convey. She gritted her teeth, frustrated with her own, stupid behavior.
If she had been a bigger person, she’d be hoping Rachel would be able to move on tomorrow, so Rachel would be happy. But she was Quinn Fabray, so she never was the bigger person.
She’d rather have Rachel less happy with her, than a delighted Rachel saying goodbye, and she couldn’t stand the thought, much less Rachel talking about it like it was the party of a lifetime.
She started her car.
“I’m sorry,” she lied. “I hope you can move on tomorrow.” We both can.
Part 6!
Author: Irisayame
Pairing: Rachel/Quinn
Rating: PG-13 for the first chapters, NC-17 for the last.
Length: ~ 24000+
Spoiler: Uh, none really, but let's say season 1?
Summary: When Rachel dies, she returns as a ghost. She doesn't know what to do, let alone what's keeping her on earth, until she discovers that Quinn alone can see her. Will Quinn help her, or will the cheerleader let their lifelong animosity get between them?
Disclaimer: Don't own anything I may refer to, and of course, I don't own Glee
A/N: I wrote this for the Glee Femslash Big Bang. It took longer than it should have. It's big AU and I know it, and I can be a sucker for cliches, to warn you, but I hope you like it anyway :) read, enjoy, and I'm REALLY curious what you think about this (I've been kind of obsessing over it for a long time) so please, pretty please, review?
A/N: Lyrics used from She Talks To Angels by the Black Crows
***
On the other side of town, Rachel had closed her eyes in a weak attempt to feign sleep. She had decided to do nothing but wait. Just wait until she would move on. She heard her name.
“Rachel!”
She knew the voice at once and opened her eyes, only to confirm she was in Quinn’s bedroom. The 5th time already that she’d accidentally transported to Quinn’s side that night. Every time she lost her focus, she’d find herself here.
It was getting on her nerves. It kind of made avoiding the girl hard. Then she saw the pained and panic-stricken look on Quinn’s face, and everything else disappeared. She forgot about everything, about every avoiding Quinn in the first place. Everything but the fierce desire to keep Quinn safe.
“What’s wrong, Quinn? Did you have a nightmare?”
Quinn’s breaths were laboured, everything inside her was still in the dream. It was a difficult transition to make.
“Rachel? Are you… here?”
“Of course I am! Why else would you call out my name?”
“It’s… nothing. I just had a nightmare.”
Or something. The first part definitely qualified as a nightmare. The second part, she wasn’t sure what that was or where it came from yet.
“What was it? Unless you do not want to tell me, which would be perfectly understandable and in which case I will just respect your privacy.”
Quinn told her everything up to the conversation with her mother, but made it sound like the dream had stopped there. No need for Rachel to know about the other stuff. Rachel was quiet throughout the whole thing, only commenting after Quinn had finished.
“I hadn’t even thought about Beth yet. Have you told mom?”
“So she’ll have me committed? No, thank you.”
“So you are just going to do nothing?”
“I don’t know what to do! I don’t know how to tell her, but the thought of doing nothing and keeping this possibility open is what kills me on nights like these.”
“I know. I can see it.” Rachel thought for a moment.
“You’ll figure it out. I will help. We’ll figure it out, together.”
Quinn went back to sleep after that, more quiet and peaceful than she’d expected. Rachel stayed up, and set her mind to work. The solution struck her soon, and to her delight, it would possibly help her too.
Maybe the key to moving on was seeing her mother one last time. And maybe the key to Quinn’s peace of mind was there too.
When she explained her plan to Quinn the next morning, the other girl reacted warily. She mostly seemed to want to forget about the whole thing. Eventually, Rachel being the persuasive girl she is, Quinn reluctantly agreed.
It was a fine idea, but part of Quinn feared what Rachel hoped; that meeting Shelby was the catalyst to sending Rachel to the other side.
She still wasn’t exactly sure why, but she had noticed that she was doing the opposite of what she was supposed to do. She was sabotaging Rachel instead of helping her. But even if she was decided to help Rachel, each time it came down to it, her instincts were making her do the exact opposite.
So when Quinn agreed, it was with great reluctancy indeed. It was mostly because she knew she couldn’t stop Rachel, and that if Rachel was going, Quinn would rather go with her than stay behind.
That afternoon, Quinn spent preparing and they agreed to go the day after. Rachel had completely stopped trying to avoid Quinn. Quinn needed Rachel for this. At least that was what Rachel was telling herself. Maybe it was true, she hoped it was.
The next day Quinn was driving to Shelby’s house straight after school, her sweaty hands keeping the wheel in a slippery death grip, knuckles white. Rachel appeared beside her.
“Slow down.” Her voice was soft and kind instead of strict and disapproving. Quinn responded by letting her left hand slip.
“Jezus! Don’t scare me like that, Rachel!”
“I stopped scaring you ages ago, you’re used to it by now! You reacted like this because you are so on edge. You did scare me by allowing your hand to slip, though. With this speed it is practically begging for a lethal accident! You could have gotten us both killed!”
“You’re already dead, remember?”
“The rest still applies! And that doesn’t mean I can’t be afraid for you.”
Quinn gave Rachel a look and it seemed like she was about to say something important, but Rachel couldn’t contain herself.
“Keep your eyes on the road, Quinn. It is extremely dangerous to get distracted while driving and I am a statistic now.”
Quinn averted her eyes with a mumbled apology, and Rachel sighed. What a way to ruin a potential movie-moment. Quinn drove the rest of the way so extremely careful, Rachel nearly felt guilty herself.
They drove to the outskirts of Lima and quickly found the address that Quinn kept on a yellow post-it, hurriedly scribbled down in Shelby’s handwriting for emergencies.
Quinn seemed decided not to hesitate. She slammed the door of the car and took a couple of long steps before ringing the doorbell. It wasn’t until then that she seemed to realize what she was doing, and she shot Rachel a panic-stricken look.
However, the door was already opening and there, in the doorpost, was Shelby, Beth on her arm.
“Quinn!” She said in a surprised voice. “What are you doing here?”
“I know I should have called, I’m sorry,” Quinn began, speaking faster than usual. Then she thought of something. “Have you heard about Rachel?”
“I do, I’m very sorry about it. Her dads and Mr. Shuester called me.”
“Do you know about tomorrow?”
“I do.”
“Are you going to...” Quinn almost didn’t dare ask. She wondered if she’d have the guts to come to Beth’s funeral, after a lifetime of not knowing her daughter.
“I don’t know yet,” Shelby replied distantly. “You know how complex the situation is.”
It had taken a while, but now Rachel caught on .
“This is about my funeral, isn’t it?”
Quinn fought her instincts to reply out loud and gave Rachel a tiny nod.
“Well, I thought it should speak for itself that my biological mother, who shares my blood, should come to say goodbye!”
Quinn fought a smile and said: “I think you should come. I’d want to. And I think Rachel would have wanted you to come, too.”
“Well, you knew her better than I did,” Shelby said. She paused, repositioning the quiet baby on her arm. “I’ll consider it.”
“Thank you. But actually, that’s not what I came here for. I came because of Beth.”
She noticed Shelby clutching the child a little tighter. “What is it? Do you want to come in?”
“I’d rather not,” Quinn said quickly. The thought of seeing Beth’s nursery, something she’d imagined several times in her head, was simply too painful to even consider.
“I have a favor to ask you. Remember how you made Rachel that tape? Well, I wrote Beth a letter. I would very much appreciate it if you didn’t read it, like Rachel’s dads never listened to that tape, but if you could give it to her when she’s... 9.”
With an understanding smile, Shelby took the letter from Quinn. Quinn’s mouth got dry as she tried to take her eyes from the little girl that had her eyes closed. She finally tore her eyes away, realizing her heart was pounding and she was breathing heavily. Shelby was looking sympathetically at her.
“I know what you’re going through, Quinn. I’ll do it, I know how hard it is. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“No thank you,” Quinn said quietly. “Just come tomorrow.”
“We’ll see. I’ll try, alright?”
Quinn swallowed painfully before nodding, mumbling a goodbye and stalking back to her car, not hearing Shelby’s soft: “Goodbye, Quinn.”
~ She paints her eyes as black as night ~
Quinn sped away in her car, her eyes filled with tears nearly brimming over. This time, she wasn’t shocked to find Rachel beside her. Rachel’s voice was filled with sympathy, like her mother’s had been just moments ago.
“Pull over.”
Quinn didn’t react audibly, but her lower lip started trembling. She bit it to keep it still.
“Quinn, you are a danger to everyone around you right now. Your behavior is reckless. Look at what happened to me. Really, how many times do we have to go over this, ms. Fabray?”
She received a tiny smile. Quinn, torn between the desire to get as far away from Shelby and her daughter as possible and the knowledge that she shouldn’t drive right now, caved because of Rachel’s soft tone and pulled over.
The second the motor fell quiet, the first tear fell. She looked at Rachel who had a hand stretching to touch Quinn, looking sorrowful herself.
“You’ve been alive for so long and I knew you all that time, and I never touched you in a friendly way, and now I just wish you could hold me. I feel like I’ve wasted all that time that you were alive,” Quinn blurted out.
She was a little shocked at herself for admitting it, and Rachel seemed equally astonished, but recovered quickly.
“I know, Quinn. I feel the same.” Quinn suddenly felt the foolish desire to reach out and touch Rachel’s hand stronger than ever before. Just to see... but she wasn’t stupid. And when her hand would pass through - which she knew darn well it would - it would hurt her and puzzle Rachel.
Instead, she grabbed a tissue from her purse, wiped her eyes and blew her nose.
“Are you mad I told you to go?”
“No,” Quinn choked out. “It’s better. Sorry for you though,” she shot Rachel a look. “I know you hoped.”
“There was never a great chance... I didn’t think she was the reason I was stuck on earth.” Now more than ever. She doesn’t matter enough.
“I know. But you had hope anyway.”
Rachel looked away, locking her eyes on the dashboard. “I always do.”
There was a silence, while Quinn wiped more tears and blew her nose again. Rachel said in her typically upbeat tone: “You think she’s coming tomorrow?”
“Well, I would, but I don’t know. You need to stop talking about your funeral like it’s a party, though. Why the hell are you so excited?!”
“It’s all about me! You know how admittedly self-centered I can be, and I cannot wait to see how sad everyone will be because of my demise. And I’m thinking that that probably will be the cue for me to move on. Isn’t that what you said?”
“Maybe it won’t be. You just said you don’t know why you’re stuck here. You could be here for ages!”
“What?! You told me most ghosts can move on after their funeral!”
“It’s not a guarantee, alright?! I don’t know! Maybe you won’t be able to leave at all!”
“I wish to give you some useful advise on the subject of truth and tact in that case. Do not ever sound so sure of something you don’t actually know again, because it does nothing but giving a ghost false hope. Especially not if you want to shoot it down brutally later. It is mentally destructive.”
Quinn’s jaw was clenched. There were a million hurtful remarks at the tip of her tongue, the kind that old Quinn used to say, the kind that would destroy Rachel easily and thoroughly.
But this really wasn’t Rachel’s fault, despite what Quinn was trying to convey. She gritted her teeth, frustrated with her own, stupid behavior.
If she had been a bigger person, she’d be hoping Rachel would be able to move on tomorrow, so Rachel would be happy. But she was Quinn Fabray, so she never was the bigger person.
She’d rather have Rachel less happy with her, than a delighted Rachel saying goodbye, and she couldn’t stand the thought, much less Rachel talking about it like it was the party of a lifetime.
She started her car.
“I’m sorry,” she lied. “I hope you can move on tomorrow.” We both can.
Part 6!