Fanworksathon Fic: The Ashes Left Behind

Feb 19, 2011 18:46


Title: The Ashes Left Behind
Author: iris_imer 
Pairings: Sulu/Chekov
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 16, 200
Summary: This was written for the Fanworksathon prompt:

5-7 years ago, something went horribly awry on a mission. Chekov blamed himself ~ he already had huge un-dealt-with guilt re: what happened with Spock's mom, and this was devastating for him (though ultimately it wasn't actually his fault!), so he resigned from Starfleet.

Sulu has just made Captain but he's not sure he wants to accept the commission. At the end of his current mission and before he's made his decision, he decides to do some soul searching and ends up at Chekov's residence in Russia.

Chekov is a bitter, cynical wreck. Sulu is soft with him at first, but ends up getting really frustrated and angry, and yet can't let him go. They've both been in a lot of pain without each other, and they attempt to repel each other out of resentment and yet keep reeling each other back in during this week or so that Sulu is allowed to haunt Chekov's unrealized life.

H-happy ending please. ;__;

Hikaru lay on the bed staring at the ceiling. His bag on the bed next to his feet, half packed. He felt sluggish and sleeping for a month sounded like the best plan of action but Starfleet had other ideas in mind for him. He hadn't contacted Admiral Martin since his return to the hotel. Every time he attempted the conversation his throat would close. Perhaps after a few hours on the shuttle he would be able to pull himself together to initiate the conversation. He would accept the commission gladly. Hikaru shook his head. It was getting harder to convince himself but this is how things had played out. He put himself out there finally after so many years and this is what he got. He could finally move on to greater things. Hikaru sighed. Such a fucking liar.

Reaching to the table next to him he pulled one of the bottles toward him, knocking two others to the floor. One rolled away under the bed. He didn't bother retrieving it, it was empty anyway. Pulling himself up on his elbow, he tipped the bottle to his lips, drinking down the last of the burning liquid. He had hated vodka. Truly hated it but he had grown so accustom to the taste of it on Pavel's lips that once he left he began craving it. Over the years it had become the only alcohol he drank regularly. It burned like hell going down his throat. The memory of Pavel's lips burned like hell everywhere else. Throwing the bottle aside, Hikaru's eyes pricked.

What the fuck am I doing?

Walking to the bathroom he avoided the mirror and turning on the tap splashed cold water on his face. Leaning against the sink, he let his eyes close for a minute while he gathered himself together. Grabbing a towel, he wiped his face roughly. He had 20 minutes before the shuttle boarded.

Walking back into the bedroom, the door chimed. Thinking the shuttle had come early and the hotel staff came to notify him, Hikaru gave the command for the door to open as he walked toward it.

Hikaru stopped in his tracks feeling like he had just been sucker punched in the stomach. This was the last thing he would have expected and the very last thing he wanted. He was hung-over and although he hated to admit it, drinking always made his usually thick skin turn paper-thin. Coming back to himself, Hikaru took a deep breath, the air working it's way around the tightening in his chest. Pavel stood in the doorway, his hand touching the doorframe, his face a perfect picture of miserable uncertainty.

"I - I came to say goodbye." Pavel's soft voice stuttered, his lower lip trembling. He made no move to enter the room as he looked at Hikaru, his weight shifting from one leg to the other. Hikaru gave him no invitation, unsure of how he wanted deal with the situation.

"How did you know I was here?” Shaking his head as if asking Pavel to forget the question. Hikaru turned his back to the door. "I believe we said what we needed to yesterday." Walking back into the room he quickly put the rest of his things in his bag, pointedly ignoring the fact that Pavel had slunk into his room and stood next to the door.

"Uh - Yes." Pavel said softly, "I think you did but - " Hikaru slung the bag on his shoulder and turned to face Pavel again. "I need to talk with you." Pavel fidgeted, his hands clasped loosely in front of him, he stared down at his feet. "Please. Before you leave."

Hikaru wanted to run as far away from this moment as possible. He didn't want to hear all the reasons why Pavel couldn't tell him what he needed to hear. He didn't want to hear how unbelievably damaged Pavel had become over the years and how no matter what Hikaru said, no matter what he did, he couldn't bring him back. If he listened, he knew it would break him.

"I have to leave Pavel. My shuttle is waiting." Pavel nodded quickly, his eyes remaining downcast.

Hikaru made for the door, stopping in front of Pavel, he watches as fresh tears slid down his already tear stained face. This was the last thing he wanted to have to see before leaving. His final memory of Pavel would be this broken mess. He almost wished for the angry Pavel to return.

"Well, goodbye." Half raising his hand, Hikaru meant to shake Pavel's, his final parting but he dropped it quickly back to his side. "Please, take care of yourself." Hikaru said quietly, trying to catch a glimpse of Pavel's eyes and failing. Hikaru stepped around Pavel and made for the door.

"No, please!" Pavel shouted as the door slid open, his lips trembling, eyes red rimmed. Pavel launched at Hikaru grabbing him around the waist. "Hikaru, do not leave me. Please." His arms tightened around his waist, a sob shaking his body, his face buried between Hikaru's shoulder blades. Dropping his bag to the floor, Hikaru grabbed Pavel's hands and pulled them apart, his heart hammering in his chest. Pavel's cries came harder.

Hikaru took a deep shuddering breath and turning he pulled Pavel's head to his chest, the other wrapping around his shoulders. God, yes. Closing his eyes he listened to Pavel's open-mouthed cries. Grabbing furiously at Hikaru's back, Pavel pushed his face into his chest, muffling his cries.

"Why should I?" Hikaru whispered into Pavel's too short hair, feeling Pavel's choke at the words. "Tell me."

"I am sorry. I was wrong- " Pavel mumbled. "You almost died. You almost left me and I did it -"

Something snapped in Hikaru. Goddam it! Hikaru pushed Pavel away from him and grasping his shoulders slammed him back against the wall. Pavel's head shot up with the force of it, his eyes wide and panicked. "Stop it Pavel!" Hikaru said, shaking him angrily. "Just stop!" Hikaru reached his hand to grasp behind Pavel's neck, his body going limp in Hikaru's hands. "Tell me why should I stay!"

"Because-" Pavel whispered, his eyes meeting Hikaru's for what truly felt like the first time that week. "I love you."

Pavel let out a surprised shout as Hikaru's lips silenced him, Hikaru's tongue teasing Pavel's own into his mouth. Pressing him further against the wall, Hikaru pushed his leg between Pavel's thighs, almost coming at the sharp hungry sounds escaping his lips. Pavel pulled at Hikaru's chest, his hair, his back, trying to feel as much of him as possible, his hands confirming what his head couldn't yet understand. Pulling back, Hikaru looked at Pavel, his eyes half lidded.

"I thought - " He gasped, his head swimming from the soft moans coming from Pavel. "I thought I would leave and never again be able to -" Hikaru shook his head, doubling over with a sharp pain in his chest, his hands cupping Pavel's face, his forehead against Pavel's chest.

Pavel's breath hitched. Pulling Hikaru's face up to his own he leaned his forehead against Hikaru's and just breathed.

****

Hikaru placed a soft wet kiss against Pavel’s bare hip, the feeling causing Pavel to shudder. Looking down the length of his side, Hikaru watched Pavel follow his every move, his tongue tracing the line of Pavel’s hip causing a happy sigh to rise out of him. Yesterday felt like it had passed by years ago. Hikaru had taken Pavel's hand and brought him to his bed where they both, without words, lay down and pressed closely against each other, their hands and mouths affirming each other’s presence. There hadn't been any more words and nothing had surpassed their fevered caresses. It had been enough for that moment. Pavel had drifted into a relaxed sleep, the feel of Hikaru's lips against his neck.

"I always loved this." Hikaru said roughly, his voice gravely from sleep. Pavel smiled and closed his eyes. When they were together, Hikaru would always wake Pavel by kissing and nuzzling the skin just above his waistband as if teasing himself with what he knew he could just take. "This spot right here." Hikaru continued, licking a line from his hip to the beginning groove of his groin. Pavel moaned softly.

"I did not want to remember," Pavel said, his hand in Hikaru' hair as he continued. "How much I-" Pavel stopped himself from continuing, not wanting to offer more apologies for his forced isolation, for all the years that Hikaru hadn't touched him.

Hikaru continued, pulling Pavel's pants lower as he pressed small kisses to his skin. "God Pavel, I could never forget."

Pavel drew his arm up and over his eyes, the feeling of Hikaru on him too much. Lifting his hips, Hikaru draw Pavel’s pants down and off him, his cock jumping with expectation. There was a soft shuffling sound as Hikaru stretched himself over Pavel's body, his naked hips grinding down on Pavel's groin. Pavel tightened his arm over his eyes.

"Don't hide. Stay with me." Hikaru whispered, his mouth pressing lightly against Pavel's own. Pavel pressed back against Hikaru's lips, a small groan feeding into Hikaru's mouth, his arm staying firmly in place. Hikaru's hand traced along Pavel’s forearm to his wrist, and circling his fingers around it he drew Pavel's arm away. The tears Pavel had tried to hold back rolled out down his cheek.

"Why?" Hikaru said, his concerned eyes searching Pavel's, his hand cupping his cheek as his thumb skimmed over the wetness there.

"No, it's not-" Pavel choked, more tears leaking out of his eyes. "It's been so long, Hikaru." His bottom lip trembled.

Hikaru kissed Pavel's cheek, his eyes, his forehead. Taking the hem of his shirt, Hikaru pulled it over Pavel's head and threw it to the floor. His lips trailed down Pavel's body as he positioned himself between his legs.

"Tell me what you need baby." Hikaru said in a husky voice, his hand stroking Pavel's cock slowly.

"I need - " Pavel whimpered, his hand grasping the blankets firmly. "You.” Hikaru's eyes grew darker.

Hikaru hadn’t come prepared for this. He had thought, before leaving the Academy, of the possibility of this moment but the idea had been too much for him to handle. He killed the thought before it went any further.

“I don’t have -” Hikaru began, his head dropping to Pavel’s stomach with a groan, his hand working Pavel.

"Please, Hikaru," Pavel moaned, is head dropping back on the bed.

Drawing himself up, Hikaru spread Pavel open. He stopped for a moment to look at him. Pavel’s body was flushed with need. A small shudder worked its way through Hikaru’s body before he moved to sweep his tongue across Pavel’s hole causing him to gasp loudly. Pushing his tongue inside, Hikaru wasn’t sure how much longer he could last, the sounds from Pavel going straight to his cock. Working his finger inside him, Hikaru moved to mouth Pavel’s cock, the heat and stretch of him around his digit and the heady weight of him in his mouth causing Hikaru to moan around him.

“No, Hikaru.” Pavel groaned, grabbing at Hikaru’s head. “Please.” Pavel pulled at Hikaru’s shoulders trying to express in actions what he couldn’t in words.

“Ok Baby, ok,” Hikaru said, moving between Pavel’s stretched legs. Grabbing his own cock, he lined himself up with Pavel and pushing in he held his breath, afraid if he moved to fast it would be over too soon.

Pavel cried out as Hikaru entered him, his legs moving around Hikaru’s waist, his hands loosely winding around his neck. Hikaru inched slowly in, Pavel’s body enveloping him in a sweet heat.

"You’re so tight, baby." Hikaru said breathlessly. Dropping his head he sucked on Pavel’s lower lip, enjoying the feeling of being as close to Pavel as he could possibly be. Sweat dripped down between his shoulder blades as he continued to explore Pavel’s mouth.

Pavel pulled back. "I have not - I have only-" Pavel's face flushed a darker pink, his hands trying to find hold on Hikaru's sweat slicked back. "With myself... always thinking of you."

Hikaru growled lowly and thrust shallowly into Pavel. Pavel whimpered and arched into it causing Hikaru to whimper in return. Pushing in harder, Hikaru flexed his hips forward, Pavel met him with equal urgency.

“I tried to- fuck” Hikaru snapped his hips faster. “But, they weren’t you. They didn’t- ugh God, they never felt this good. This right.” Pavel responded with a bruising kiss. Pavel’s kiss, the feel of his body responding to his thrusts was all of a sudden too much for Hikaru. Slowing his pace he pulled Pavel into his lap, Pavel's legs and arms automatically worked their way around Hikaru’s body. Hikaru’s held Pavel in a crushing grip.

“Tell me -“ Hikaru said, snapping his hips. “Tell me you wont leave me again.” Pavel pressed a sob against Hikaru’s lips. "Please, please." Hikaru chanted against Pavel’s shoulder, his lips mouthing the words against his skin.

“Oh, Hikaru -” Pavel worked himself on Hikaru’s cock, his body moving without grace but with feeling. Pavel drew his face back and staring directly into Hikaru’s eyes answered, “Never, never - God, never.” With a loud guttural cry, Pavel shuddered in Hikaru’s lap, the warm feeling of his come splattering his stomach. The sound of Pavel’s cry and the feeling of damp heat on his skin pushed Hikaru over the edge, his own hips pumping a few more times before a low moan signaled his own climax.

Hikaru rolled on his side, his arms remained firmly around Pavel, his lips kissing every inch of his face. Time seemed to drift slowly. Pavel held Hikaru’s hand against his cheek, his fingers lacing in between Hikaru’s own. Hikaru buried his nose in Pavel’s hair, rubbing his cheek against the top of his head. Their legs remained tangled, their breathing coming more slowly than before.

"I - I took your plant Hikaru."

Hikaru backed away to find a sheepish look on Pavel's face. Pavel bit his bottom lip and buried his face against Hikaru’s chest. "I wanted to keep you with me and I did not know any other way-"

A short chuckle forced it's way from Hikaru’s chest and then grew until his entire body shook with laughter, his hand resting against his forehead.

"Do not laugh at me Hikaru!" Pavel pouted, the sheepish look replaced by a growing blush. Pavel always liked to play the sweet child with him, but in truth Hikaru loved it.

His laugh slowed finally and taking Pavel’s face in his hands he kissed his lips slowly. “Well, now you have me so you don’t need any replacements, right?”

A worried look appeared on Pavel’s face. “I do not have you Hikaru. You are leaving.” Sitting up, Pavel grabbed the blanket in his hands as if making to tear it. His face crumpled as his eyes became glassy again.

“Hey,” Hikaru said, sitting up next to Pavel, his hand winding around his waist. Pulling him between his legs, Hikaru rested his back against the wall, Pavel’s head against his chest. “You have me. You aren’t leaving me and I’m not leaving you.”

“But you have a ship to command. It is what you always wanted.” Pavel said, hurt feeding into his voice. “I cannot be the reason-”

“Nothing matters without you.” Hikaru said, lifting Pavel’s face to his own. “We can figure this out but whatever happens it’s together.” Dipping his head down, Hikaru captured Pavel’s lips in his own and although he was sure Pavel remained unconvinced, he knew how things would be for them.

Afterward

my fic, sulu/chekov

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