fermenteds
i know that everyone always talks about how they are going to stop drinking (or maybe they don't, perhaps everyone else just keeps on drinking oblivious to the surrounding chaos with its increasing voracity)
but this time, I am for fucking real.
I realized that among my problems, the most distressing are easily my tendencies towards the drink and being selfish. I am beginning to understand how being selfish is really a foundation for most of my unhappy situations, and I wonder how I didn't realize this before. I also wonder if other people think about being selfish. Most people are self-involved, but not really selfish. It's more that all of our misery (especially mine) is rooted in our inability to see how selfish we really are, and I am, of course, not an exception but a really good example of how that whole scenario plays out.
Drinking has become a way to deal with that. Obviously, it has not worked. I am still a miserable, wretched person with a distinct lack of skills and a woebegone void of talent that echoes with my overworked chants of how I am misunderstood, how good my life used to be, and how interesting I once was, drenched in liquor and sex. I don't think anyone ever really liked me so much as either loved me because we had an understanding as friends do or had the extreme misfortune of encountering me when I was drunk and feeling jubilant as I showered the surrounding metropolitan population with all the affection and adoration I had to give.
I have fucked up royally. It's not even that I have done something really terrible, like kill a biker with my car while driving drunk (although I had a freaky premonition about that very thing) or cheated on my boyfriend (although I have done that in other relationships, in previous years, and the guilt alone has given me nightmares). It's that I have made myself very unhappy, gained twenty pounds, destroyed another person's psyche, and wasted hundreds of dollars with a liquid that does nothing but make me disoriented and has caused all the previous maladies. I have become uninteresting and in fact very difficult to be with because, sadly, I am a has-been with zero motivation to do anything except swish my cocktail around in my throat until I get drunk enough to wax nostalgic without being embarrassed or feeling like an idiot. There is no point to this anymore.
There is no more glamor in being a crazed drunk. I am not crazed when I'm drunk. I'm sedated and shitty. I fall asleep. I say ridiculous things that are uninspiring and convey pretty clearly how boring my life is to prompt such rigidly adhesive drinking habits. I don't want to do this anymore because it has ceased to do anything good.
It's going to be hard to stop drinking, but I think the hardest thing is going to be accepting the fact that drinking is NOT the critical connector to my past. The only thing that will make me feel alive again is to put down the fucking bottle, get a grip, and find joy in being aware of how vibrant this life really can be for me.
I'm going to need a lot of help. Jason has already said he would go to AA meetings with me. I don't want to be one of those assholes who tells EVERYONE how much more rocking life is when you don't drink, or, God forbid, when you go back to church or whatever. I do, though, want some partners in crime for this psychotic journey. I have a feeling that I will break down at some point and head for the freezer, but I do NOT want to relapse and wake up with a bad feeling and strange bruises. Coming back to Grand Rapids this summer is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done, I think. Every part of my life will be converging in one fucked up city, and I am sure that the connector will assumed to be drink, but I don't want fermenteds to be the only way for me to be in touch with my past and my future and to acquaint them with one another. I don't know how my friends are going to react to my boyfriend and me if we are not drunk. Not to name names, but I have no idea how I am going to be with Ken, Lydia, Tim Novak, Ted, Stevie, Kaaren, Katie, Jenny, and so on if I cannot drink. These are some of my most loved peoples, but our history is so laced with drugs and alcohol that I am afraid that we won't even know each other anymore. I am afraid.
I am really afraid. I need to get a job with the State.
Stevie once said that living in Oly is like living in rehab. I wonder if this was meant to be.
Nichole once wrote about giving up fermenteds and playing in her garden. I want to do the same. I want to be as vibrant and amazing as Nichole, in love with life without destroying it slowly with cancer-causing and age-advancing liquors.
I really want to be sober. but I am afraid.
but this time, I am for fucking real.
I realized that among my problems, the most distressing are easily my tendencies towards the drink and being selfish. I am beginning to understand how being selfish is really a foundation for most of my unhappy situations, and I wonder how I didn't realize this before. I also wonder if other people think about being selfish. Most people are self-involved, but not really selfish. It's more that all of our misery (especially mine) is rooted in our inability to see how selfish we really are, and I am, of course, not an exception but a really good example of how that whole scenario plays out.
Drinking has become a way to deal with that. Obviously, it has not worked. I am still a miserable, wretched person with a distinct lack of skills and a woebegone void of talent that echoes with my overworked chants of how I am misunderstood, how good my life used to be, and how interesting I once was, drenched in liquor and sex. I don't think anyone ever really liked me so much as either loved me because we had an understanding as friends do or had the extreme misfortune of encountering me when I was drunk and feeling jubilant as I showered the surrounding metropolitan population with all the affection and adoration I had to give.
I have fucked up royally. It's not even that I have done something really terrible, like kill a biker with my car while driving drunk (although I had a freaky premonition about that very thing) or cheated on my boyfriend (although I have done that in other relationships, in previous years, and the guilt alone has given me nightmares). It's that I have made myself very unhappy, gained twenty pounds, destroyed another person's psyche, and wasted hundreds of dollars with a liquid that does nothing but make me disoriented and has caused all the previous maladies. I have become uninteresting and in fact very difficult to be with because, sadly, I am a has-been with zero motivation to do anything except swish my cocktail around in my throat until I get drunk enough to wax nostalgic without being embarrassed or feeling like an idiot. There is no point to this anymore.
There is no more glamor in being a crazed drunk. I am not crazed when I'm drunk. I'm sedated and shitty. I fall asleep. I say ridiculous things that are uninspiring and convey pretty clearly how boring my life is to prompt such rigidly adhesive drinking habits. I don't want to do this anymore because it has ceased to do anything good.
It's going to be hard to stop drinking, but I think the hardest thing is going to be accepting the fact that drinking is NOT the critical connector to my past. The only thing that will make me feel alive again is to put down the fucking bottle, get a grip, and find joy in being aware of how vibrant this life really can be for me.
I'm going to need a lot of help. Jason has already said he would go to AA meetings with me. I don't want to be one of those assholes who tells EVERYONE how much more rocking life is when you don't drink, or, God forbid, when you go back to church or whatever. I do, though, want some partners in crime for this psychotic journey. I have a feeling that I will break down at some point and head for the freezer, but I do NOT want to relapse and wake up with a bad feeling and strange bruises. Coming back to Grand Rapids this summer is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done, I think. Every part of my life will be converging in one fucked up city, and I am sure that the connector will assumed to be drink, but I don't want fermenteds to be the only way for me to be in touch with my past and my future and to acquaint them with one another. I don't know how my friends are going to react to my boyfriend and me if we are not drunk. Not to name names, but I have no idea how I am going to be with Ken, Lydia, Tim Novak, Ted, Stevie, Kaaren, Katie, Jenny, and so on if I cannot drink. These are some of my most loved peoples, but our history is so laced with drugs and alcohol that I am afraid that we won't even know each other anymore. I am afraid.
I am really afraid. I need to get a job with the State.
Stevie once said that living in Oly is like living in rehab. I wonder if this was meant to be.
Nichole once wrote about giving up fermenteds and playing in her garden. I want to do the same. I want to be as vibrant and amazing as Nichole, in love with life without destroying it slowly with cancer-causing and age-advancing liquors.
I really want to be sober. but I am afraid.