(no subject)
Kids can be so cruel sometimes
Not everyone can remember the cruelty, most people forget, either because as one gets older, one's memory gets old and foggy as one's memory tends to do Or because we chose, we choose the forget the wrongs we have done to others, but remember the wrongs done to us.
And so I have chosen to visit the past. In an effort to make amends with wrongs I have done to others and in an effort to come to terms with my shameful past in an attempt to control my future. As George Orwell said "He who controls the present controls the past, and He who controls the past controls the future."
So I am going to take this oppertunity to reach back into the depths of my heart and the farthest reaches on of my mind and try to visit the parts of my self that I dare not share with anyone.
I Daniel Bressler being of sound mind and free will, leave this as my last will and testiment, my final words in this life. To the ones that think they know me, feel sad because I fear I have left out my true self from our friendship. To the ones that think they do not know me, feel glad for I feel you have saved yourself from a great pain.
First regret I leave is to my family, I fear that I have caused you great pain. I am sorry to my brothers and sisters and to my parents.
I am sorry to youngest brother for the times I wrestled with you and tackled you for no greater reason then the fact that I was bigger then you. I did not know it at the time but all I truelly desired was to touch and lavash affection on my brother but during those awkward teenage years I was unsure of the protocol for brotherly affection.
To my oldest sister, I am sorry for the times I apposed you, picked on you. I am sorry for the time when we were small children and taking a bath, I pooped in the bath an convinced you that it was yours. I watched the shame on your face when you were scolded and we were forced to take another bath. I feared a parental scorn so I placed blame on your sholders, this was wrong.
To my oldest brother I am sorry for the time that I woke up early as a child and in a whispered rush got myself ready for school so that I could leave you behind. And further more I am sorry that when you caught up to me a block and a half away, I yelled at you saying that you were encroching on my new founf liberty. It was my first year of real school and I wanted to make friends that weren't related to me,what I didn't realise then and have come to fully appreciate now is that I had the best friend anyone could ever ask for right by me.
I am sorry for my youngest sister, the baby of the family that always loved me and I never appreciated her accomplishments. I can look back now and see the thousands of times she came toe beaming with her latest accomplishment looking, searching for a glimmer of accalade and I brushed her off minimizing her achievements all the while feeling that her success was in direct opposition to my achievements.
I am sorry, to my mother, there is countless times I fear I have let you down, I do not know and cannot count the times you have beleived in me full heartedly sending my out with all the faith and love a son could ever ask for, but I did not see it. All I saw the dissapointment, the scorn and the scoldings. Oh how I wish I could go back and change my past.
To my father, I am so very sorry for taking you for granite, you have always held such a huge and mythic place in my mind, I guess I just assumed that you would always be there so I never took the time to enjoy our times together. I beleive that if I live to be half the father you were to me I would feel that have accomplished something worthwhile in my life. However sadly I think that such a feat is near out of my reach and cannot picture myself with the selflessness you have shown me.
To my friends of old and of present. To the ones that I do not see any more either far away or close but far from heart. I leave this apology.
I am sorry to the ones I let fall. I am sorry to the ones that I let seccumb to depression. I am sorry for the times that I neglected your need for a sholder to cry on. I am sorry for the times I look at your pain and and slapped you on the back and said pain is for sissies. I was neither loving nor friendly to you and I was wrong.
I am sorry for the times I got drunk and forced my friends to take care of me. I am sorry for choosing a those moments of quick fading laughter over personel responcibility. I was wrong and forced you carry a man who should have been your partner not you child.
I am sorry to the women I wronged. I cannot hardly bring myself to speak the crimes I have done in such a public forum, however I can say that there is hardly a day that goes by where I do not regret my actions with all my heart. I took advantage of girls that were already hurting I played offender when I should have played defender of the weak, defender of the ones in pain.
And thirdly I the last and final apology I reserve for my God. All that you read here and all that is said in this place cannot even begin to scratch the surface of the apology that I owe you. All that is written here is not even the smallest representation of the many many ways in which I have sinned against you. I cannot begin to name the ways that I have chosen to hurt you in the deepest way. Never once did you hold back any part of your love from me, and all I ever did in return was mock you. I cannot begin to ask for your forgiveness for I cannot for the life of me think of one good thing I have done to merit such a love like yours.I have wronged the one person in this world that never wronged me back. If what is in my heart is correct, if it is true that to ask for forgiveness from you is such a task that I cannot conceive. please I beg that you only allow me the grace to forgive myself. For the shame I carry is greater then I can possibly bear.
Note to the reader: If you intend on leaving an encouraging comment I do not mean to discourage you because a note of encouragement would be greatly desired however my heart has become corrupted for it is shrouded in shame I only warn you that I may not be able to fully grasp the love you give.